Husbands that reject natural hair

[Choclatcotton]

SOme of the husbands in my circle of friends have rejected their wifes desire to due the unprocessed and unpressed thing and wear their hair natural. I had one today wisper in my ear of how she tried to wear it out but her husband told her not to?? Anyone else experience this. She was inpressed with my natural growth and wanted to do the same. She says she burnt her hair 3 times trying to get it straighterplexed. ANyone else experience this kind of reaction from a DH?

 

[Lusa]

My experience is the quite opposite, I have told my husband that I will eventually try to transition to natural and he's cool with it. As he put it "I like cute afros". As long as I am happy he's got no problems.

 

[camellia]

My experience is also the opposite.

My hair was natural when we met, but I always wore it flat ironed straight. When I started wearing my natural curls DH was unbelievably happy. He loves the wild curly look.

 

[IrisDaVirus]

My husband has always been accepting of my natural hair. But if he didn't like it I'd still wear it natural. I have too much of a wild hair up my @$$ to let a man's disapproval of my natural hair influence my decision to wear it that way. So if I like it natural, then that's what it's gonna be. IMO any man who can't handle his woman wearing her natural hair out can stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

 

[frostydoll]

I'm not married but I remember when I started transitioning it became a problem for my then boyfriend who everyone thought I would marry. Needless to say we're no longer together and that was just one factor in our breakup.

 

[thefineprint]

thats so sad. my SO actually begged me not to go back to the relaxer because he saw what it was doing to my hair. he never had any problems with my hair out and natural but he is very excited now that i am locking my hair. i think he's excited for the length that is to come

 

[carcajada]

Dh would be extremely upset if I were natural. He doesn't like the look of natural hair at all.

 

[cocoberry10]

SOme of the husbands in my circle of friends have rejected their wifes desire to due the unprocessed and unpressed thing and wear their hair natural. I had one today wisper in my ear of how she tried to wear it out but her husband told her not to?? Anyone else experience this. She was inpressed with my natural growth and wanted to do the same. She says she burnt her hair 3 times trying to get it straighterplexed. ANyone else experience this kind of reaction from a DH?

I'm not married, and I'm not natural (I guess I really don't belong in this thread, lol ). Anyway, I have a friend of a friend that was in a relationship with a Black guy who rejected her decision to go natural. Actually, he "dealt with it" (her decision to go natural), b/c sometimes she wore it pressed or in twists, which was acceptable "natural" styles to him.

But then, she decided to grow locks and he wouldn't have it. They broke up and she ended up with a white guy who accepted her natural look. Now, I'm not saying that only Black men have a problem with this. I guess the difference between our natural and processed hair can be quite extreme!

I think if a guy is with you for the right reasons, he won't really care. If he's with you for superficial reasons, then he will care. In all fairness to our brothers, I've also heard of the same thing happening to white women who dyed their hair blonde for years and then decide to go "natural" (i.e. wear their natural hair color). I've heard some of their husbands/boyfriends reject this. So it's just how some men are!

 

[IrisDaVirus]

thats so sad. my SO actually begged me not to go back to the relaxer because he saw what it was doing to my hair. he never had any problems with my hair out and natural but he is very excited now that i am locking my hair. i think he's excited for the length that is to come

BTW - Your sisterlocks are the bomb! Who did them for you?

 

[Bunny77]

Hmmm... in a way, I can understand if you met a man while you were relaxed that he might be upset if you one day decide to go natural and do a big chop. Obviously when he approached you, it was because he liked the look that you had and you are now doing a "bait-and-switch." It's like if my man did a major change midway through our relationship and changed a feature that attracted me to him in the first place... I'd be a little bothered. So I'm not ready to just crucify a man for that in the beginning...

HOWEVER, I think if a woman wants to go natural, her SO/DH needs to eventually grow to accept it. Maybe not love it, but accept it... I say this only because many women's choice to go natural isn't a frivolous one -- there are usually economical, time-saving and wholistic reasons behind it. I don't think many men understand how much time and effort it truly takes to maintain a great-looking head of straightened hair... and some of the annoyances that come with it (not being able to scratch the head a few days before the relaxer, potential scalp burns, potential breakage, etc., etc.)

A woman who wants to do this needs to sit down with her husband and have a talk about why this is important to her and the last thing he needs to do is "forbid" her to do it... I wish a fool would try to forbid me to do something... then if he keeps insisting, maybe she should tell him to pay for all of her styling and upkeep costs since this is something he wants for her and even suggest that he also get a perm/texturizer so that he can understand what she has to go through and why she wants to change.

Most reasonable men would eventually get the point if presented that way and once the woman becomes comfortable in her natural hair and can style/maintain it well, he might be surprised how nice it can look.

Luckily I won't have this problem -- dudes see me now with my natural hair and they can figure out at the beginning whether or not they're interested... one wasn't, and I wasn't offended... I'd rather him not be interested from jump than have to deal with the hair issue in a relationship!

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Dh would be extremely upset if I were natural. He doesn't like the look of natural hair at all.

My man is the same.

Do you see something wrong with your DH not liking natural hair? Does it bother you?

 

[LocksOfLuV]

I'm not married, and I'm not natural (I guess I really don't belong in this thread, lol ). Anyway, I have a friend of a friend that was in a relationship with a Black guy who rejected her decision to go natural. Actually, he "dealt with it" (her decision to go natural), b/c sometimes she wore it pressed or in twists, which was acceptable "natural" styles to him.

But then, she decided to grow locks and he wouldn't have it. They broke up and she ended up with a white guy who accepted her natural look. Now, I'm not saying that only Black men have a problem with this. I guess the difference between our natural and processed hair can be quite extreme!

I think if a guy is with you for the right reasons, he won't really care. If he's with you for superficial reasons, then he will care. In all fairness to our brothers, I've also heard of the same thing happening to white women who dyed their hair blonde for years and then decide to go "natural" (i.e. wear their natural hair color). I've heard some of their husbands/boyfriends reject this. So it's just how some men are!

I don't know if I agree with this at all.

 

[winterinatl]

Hmmm... in a way, I can understand if you met a man while you were relaxed that he might be upset if you one day decide to go natural and do a big chop. Obviously when he approached you, it was because he liked the look that you had and you are now doing a "bait-and-switch." It's like if my man did a major change midway through our relationship and changed a feature that attracted me to him in the first place... I'd be a little bothered. So I'm not ready to just crucify a man for that in the beginning...

I agree. I would want a man that found me beautiful either way, but really if I met and fell in love with a bald dude and he wanted (and began to) grow LOCKS I would feel the same way.

 

[Ms Red]

I can really see both sides of the issue.

When I met my SO, my hair was about APL, dyed light brown with blonde highlights and relaxed. ETA: Believe me, it was dry and overprocessed, too.

Now after transitioning for over 2 years, my hair is curly, back to my natural color (black) and I don't wear it straight. He's never mentioned anything to me though about not liking it. He'll say "I like your fuzzy head" and things like that . I guess I really don't know how he truly feels about the 180 but since he's not sayin, I'm not askin.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

I agree. I would want a man that found me beautiful either way, but really if I met and fell in love with a bald dude and he wanted (and began to) grow LOCKS I would feel the same way.

I would too (and it doesn't help that I don't like locks at all). My SO had braids when we first got together and I was so upset when he cut his hair. But I got used to it and I love his hair cut.

 

[Bunny77]

I agree. I would want a man that found me beautiful either way, but really if I met and fell in love with a bald dude and he wanted (and began to) grow LOCKS I would feel the same way.

Good example.

And I can sympathize with the women who want to go natural just because I know that's usually a big decision that someone makes -- it's not as simple for most women as something like dying their hair or just cutting it into another style. I like coloring my hair, for example, but if my currently non-existant hubby said he preferred my natural color, it wouldn't make me angry that he'd say that and I wouldn't be all that stressed about it.

With going natural though, I think the partners do need to have a talk because it can be a deeper issue. Folks might be able to meet each other halfway and reach an understanding.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

Just wondering ( I know no one will admit it) but what if someone's white husband didn't like natural hair? Is that bad?

Or what if the SO had type 2c/3a hair himself (along with the rest of his family)? What that be considered a form of self-hate, even tho kinky isn't a part of him?

 

[Cichelle]

My DH asked me not to straighten my hair. He doesn't like that look at all. So, we are in synch on this one. However, he knows that, ultimately, I am going to do what I want with my hair and I expect him to do what he wants with his.

 

[carcajada]

My man is the same.

Do you see something wrong with your DH not liking natural hair? Does it bother you?

I joke with him about it...telling him to break free from the chains of colonialism, but no, it doesn't bother me. I see it as a strong (physical) appearance preference just like any other preferences men have towards the the opposite sex (i.e. thick/thin, tall/short, athletic..etc). *shrug*

Plus he likes to brush my hair and sniff it.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

I joke with him about it...telling him to break free from the chains of colonialism, but no, it doesn't bother me. I see it as a strong (physical) appearance preference just like any other preferences men have towards the the opposite sex (i.e. thick/thin, tall/short, athletic..etc). *shrug*

Plus he likes to brush my hair and sniff it.

Oh okay. I see. I don't know how I feel about my SO not liking natural hair (he likes natural hair in ponytails where you can see the waves [weird, but he loves waves]). Then again his hair type is like a 2c/3a and so is just about everyone else from his family so I don't know if I should even expect him to like it.

But it's not a big deal for him. Hair isn't a big deal to him period. If I did decide to go natural I am sure he will deal with it.

 

[musiclova]

I went from passed bra strap length straight relaxed hair to 1 inch or less of natural hair. My dh loves my hair texture so he likes my hair natural. He doesn't have a problem with it at all but I wanted to add that when he told his best friend that I cut my hair off and sent him a pic of me after my hair was cut his friend asked me why I did it (??) I told him because I wanted to and he gave me his two cents. He went on to say that his wife's hair is "his" hair and he has told her hair stylist not to ever cut her hair too much because that is "his" hair. He went on to say that long hair is associated with femininity and when peope cut their hair all off it looks masculine and it changes your look totally. He added that when he met his wife she had long hair and he did not want her to ever cut her hair because that was one of the things that really attracted him to her and he thinks that one should not make "drastic" changes to their appearance because their s.o. may look at them differently. I responded by telling him he was very superficial and it should not matter the length of a woman's hair if you chose to be with that person for them. He said some more ignorant things but I chose to just mention the main comment that led to a heated discussion between us. I just think that it all boils down to insecurities of the men who feel that a woman is only considered beautiful if she has or wears her hair long and straight and associates long hair with femininity.

Clearly my husband's best friend is very insecure about himself and feels that having a woman on his arm with long hair is going to validate him as worthy of having a woman I guess. This is just my take on the topic. It is not the length or texture of hair that makes a woman beautiful it is
her soul and how she carries herself and presents herself and her hair whether it be nappy,curly, wavy, straight or whatever floats her boat. I personally was extremely happy when I got my hair cut off because I came to a point in my life where I became happy with myself no matter what length or texture my hair was and I could've cared less if my husband or anybody else did not like my hair natural. It is about what works for me and what makes me happy. I think I've said enough. I could go on and on about this but I'll stop here.

 

[carcajada]

Oh okay. I see. I don't know how I feel about my SO not liking natural hair (he likes natural hair in ponytails where you can see the waves [weird, but he loves waves]). Then again his hair type is like a 2c/3a and so is just about everyone else from his family so I don't know if I should even expect him to like it.

But it's not a big deal for him. Hair isn't a big deal to him period. If I did decide to go natural I am sure he will deal with it.

That's not bad at all! Wouldn't be my dh. He use to offer to pay for more relaxers while I was stretching. "Is money the reason why your hair looks like that?" he said. When I got tired of flatironing my hair and was going to go to an event with him with my hair in a twist out, he offered to flatiron it for me.

 

[Ms Red]

Wow. It just sounds like he has a strong preference to straight hair. I can't imagine a twistout on you not looking anything but beautiful!

That's not bad at all! Wouldn't be my dh. He use to offer to pay for more relaxers while I was stretching. "Is money the reason why your hair looks like that?" he said. When I got tired of flatironing my hair and was going to go to an event with him with my hair in a twist out, he offered to flatiron it for me.

 

[Bunny77]

He went on to say that his wife's hair is "his" hair and he has told her hair stylist not to ever cut her hair too much because that is "his" hair.

Okay, see now... I wish a fool would try to say some mess like that to me... This is what I mean about no man will ever tell me that I CAN'T change my hair -- I respect his right to not like it and to disagree with my choice, but he will not be TELLING me that I CAN'T do something.

"His" hair my ass....

And I agree with what everyone else says too... obviously, I love long hair cause I'm on LHCF, but I would hope that if for some reason I don't have it anymore (by choice or against my choice -- like chemo), my husband wouldn't be so superficial as to suddenly forget that he married me for me, not my hair!

 

[cocoberry10]

Hmmm... in a way, I can understand if you met a man while you were relaxed that he might be upset if you one day decide to go natural and do a big chop. Obviously when he approached you, it was because he liked the look that you had and you are now doing a "bait-and-switch." It's like if my man did a major change midway through our relationship and changed a feature that attracted me to him in the first place... I'd be a little bothered. So I'm not ready to just crucify a man for that in the beginning...
HOWEVER, I think if a woman wants to go natural, her SO/DH needs to eventually grow to accept it. Maybe not love it, but accept it... I say this only because many women's choice to go natural isn't a frivolous one -- there are usually economical, time-saving and wholistic reasons behind it. I don't think many men understand how much time and effort it truly takes to maintain a great-looking head of straightened hair... and some of the annoyances that come with it (not being able to scratch the head a few days before the relaxer, potential scalp burns, potential breakage, etc., etc.)

A woman who wants to do this needs to sit down with her husband and have a talk about why this is important to her and the last thing he needs to do is "forbid" her to do it... I wish a fool would try to forbid me to do something... then if he keeps insisting, maybe she should tell him to pay for all of her styling and upkeep costs since this is something he wants for her and even suggest that he also get a perm/texturizer so that he can understand what she has to go through and why she wants to change.

Most reasonable men would eventually get the point if presented that way and once the woman becomes comfortable in her natural hair and can style/maintain it well, he might be surprised how nice it can look.

Luckily I won't have this problem -- dudes see me now with my natural hair and they can figure out at the beginning whether or not they're interested... one wasn't, and I wasn't offended... I'd rather him not be interested from jump than have to deal with the hair issue in a relationship!

I totally agree with your post, especially the bolded parts. But your whole post is on point!

 

[divya]

I'm not married but my father, who is predom. East Indian and has wavy-straight hair, loves my mother's natural hair. He feels relaxers are unnecessary and that my mother is beautiful naturally. She wears her hair in a little short bush. So guess I just tend to think that African/black men who have a big, serious issue with a woman's natural hair usually have issues. And then again, any man who cannot accepts the God-given attributes of a woman usually has issues...

My SO just likes me how he met me, as far as hair anyway. He met me with a head full of curls(texturized) and with quite long hair and so that's what he's happy with. I am transitioning and he can't tell the difference right now. He doesn't really want any drastic change, but he says it's my hair...

 

[carcajada]

I went from passed bra strap length straight relaxed hair to 1 inch or less of natural hair. My dh loves my hair texture so he likes my hair natural. He doesn't have a problem with it at all but I wanted to add that when he told his best friend that I cut my hair off and sent him a pic of me after my hair was cut his friend asked me why I did it (??) I told him because I wanted to and he gave me his two cents. He went on to say that his wife's hair is "his" hair and he has told her hair stylist not to ever cut her hair too much because that is "his" hair. He went on to say that long hair is associated with femininity and when peope cut their hair all off it looks masculine and it changes your look totally. He added that when he met his wife she had long hair and he did not want her to ever cut her hair because that was one of the things that really attracted him to her and he thinks that one should not make "drastic" changes to their appearance because their s.o. may look at them differently. I responded by telling him he was very superficial and it should not matter the length of a woman's hair if you chose to be with that person for them. He said some more ignorant things but I chose to just mention the main comment that led to a heated discussion between us. I just think that it all boils down to insecurities of the men who feel that a woman is only considered beautiful if she has or wears her hair long and straight and associates long hair with femininity.

I've heard a lot of men say this (bolded parts) and I respect their opinion...it seems to be popular and I've heard some people say it has a religious basis as well. At least those who come out and say it are honest. I want to know what he said that led to a heated discussion. I'm curious now.

 

[LocksOfLuV]

That's not bad at all! Wouldn't be my dh. He use to offer to pay for more relaxers while I was stretching. "Is money the reason why your hair looks like that?" he said. When I got tired of flatironing my hair and was going to go to an event with him with my hair in a twist out, he offered to flatiron it for me.

Aww DH! Well atleast he got pro-active instead of just complaining like some husbands would do.

But yeah. I wear my air protected 90% of the time and he doesn't care. He's very nonchalant about hair, but the only reason I found out he didn't likr natural hair is one day I was on a natural's fotki and he went "erplexed You want you hair like that?" I told him yes and he went "Man, I don't like that." I thought maybe he didn't like the STYLE it was in so I showed him more and he went, "Nah, I don't like those hairs." But of course he loves Jcoily's hair since "she got waves for days." But other than that he doesn't like it. He says it looks cool "on older ladies."

But maybe because all the heads were relatively short. I wonder how he would feel about longer natural heads.

 

[carcajada]

Wow. It just sounds like he has a strong preference to straight hair. I can't imagine a twistout on you not looking anything but beautiful!

I won't tell you what he said they look like on me.

 

[tld723]

Just wondering ( I know no one will admit it) but what if someone's white husband didn't like natural hair? Is that bad?

Or what if the SO had type 2c/3a hair himself (along with the rest of his family)? What that be considered a form of self-hate, even tho kinky isn't a part of him?

My SO is white, and when I told him I was going to stop putting relaxers in, he was actually quite happy. He's more concerned about health ( too many chemicals). Not to mention he wouldn't even consider telling me "I couldn't", out of basic respect. I can't seem to keep him out of my new growth, which is a good thing