How would this make you feel?

[*5+5]

My SO has told two of my friends while I wasn't around that he is ready for a baby but has NEVER mentioned that to me. We talk about the future, getting married, buying a home and what roles will play often. But he has never confessed to me that he wants a kid. The 1st time was in May when we were in Cali visiting my sister. I left him in the car w/one of my friends to go and get my friend out of the house. I was gon' all of 3 min. and they managed to have a conversation about him being ready to be a father and that he wants a child by next year

I let that one go, although I felt a lil' awkward about it, b/c I was like man I step out the car and at the time the convo was no where near that, so how did they develop that convo in such a short time. So I blew that one off like whatever.

Well last night, I'm talking to bff and we were talking about having children one day and she asked me if I were to get pregnant now if I would keep the baby. I said, "sure and besides I think SO would kill me". She said, "oh yeah he did tell me the other day that he really wants a baby". So now I'm like WTF? Why do he keep telling my friends that he want a baby and not me? I was so embarrassed when she said that b/c I had to probe for more information to why he said that to her. So after that conversation I was mad, I wanted to call and wake him up but we're doing so well I didn't want to be confrontational.

So I'm lying in the bed just thinking about diff. things and I recall 2 convos when I told him I was excited about getting married, having a kid one day and that being a mom is my biggest dream. <<<<---that was an opportunity to tell me then, if for some reason he isn't comfortable telling me, which I can't see why he wouldn't tell me, he tells me everything else.

For Thanksgiving his mom said she had a dream that we had 8 kids and he was all like noooo, that's way too many and I was saying, "pop em' out, pop em' out". Out of pure jest, but I know I always make the idea of having children welcomed.

Well I have come to the conclusion that maybe he wants a baby, but not w/me....

How would you feel about this? Am I overreacating

 

[FlawedBeauty]

I would wanna know why my is tellin ur friends and not me! that doesnt make any sense to me. I can be optimistic tho and say maybe he just doesnt know how to bring it up to you and doesnt want to scare u off; but then again u mentioned that you already talked about huge life decisions like marriage and such so I don't really know. Perhaps he is telling your friends cuz he knows they will tell you and wants you to bring it up???

Sorry probably not much help erplexed

 

[FlowerHair]

I don't think you should jump to any conclusions without talking to him first. Ask him upfront if and when he wants to have a child.

 

[*5+5]

I would wanna know why my is tellin ur friends and not me! that doesnt make any sense to me. I can be optimistic tho and say maybe he just doesnt know how to bring it up to you and doesnt want to scare u off; but then again u mentioned that you already talked about huge life decisions like marriage and such so I don't really know. Perhaps he is telling your friends cuz he knows they will tell you and wants you to bring it up???

Sorry probably not much help erplexed

I feel like I've initiated the convo more than enough. If he feels that way there has been tons of opportunities for him to tell me. One day we were just laying around and he said c'mon let's go get married right now. I was like okay can we make a baby when we get back? I've tossed around the kid factor enough to make him feel comfortable I thought.

I don't think you should jump to any conclusions without talking to him first. Ask him upfront if and when he wants to have a child.

I guess that's what I'll do but it's going to be pretty darn hard to not bring up him telling my friends.

 

[tiara76]

ask him outright directly....and unless the friends made it point to let you know him telling them was a "secret" I would mention what they said....and be like..is that what you really want..and are you thinking about having kids with me

 

[Taliah]

Are you sure your friends aren't asking him and he's just entertaining them with an answer?
I find it odd that he would bring this up to your friends. Just a thought.

 

[Keen]

You may be reading too much into it. Just ask him about it.

 

[jerseygurl]

I agree too ask him about it.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

this is a very good point!!

Are you sure your friends aren't asking him and he's just entertaining them with an answer?
I find it odd that he would bring this up to your friends. Just a thought.

 

[*5+5]

Update:


He just called and I talked for about 15 min. before I asked him but I wish I hadn't.

First I asked if he talked to bff about wanting to have a kid and he was like I believe I did but I can't remember, why?

Then I told him and asked him why hadn't he told me, he said he figured I knew and that maybe I never took him serious.

I told him I felt as tho' he never communicated that to me directly.

Then he says, "women, always making something out of nothing". I was like baby it's really not that big of a deal. But SO feels when things aren't a big deal they shouldn't be asked. Then he figured bff was being messy by telling me that. So I called it off and was like, no biggie baby it's cool...just wanted to know if that's how you really felt. He took a deep breath and said baby enjoy the rest of your day erplexed

Don't really feel as tho' I was overreacting but maybe so...

 

[Transformer]

I think he was just making social conversation with friends/relatives...saying he likes kids. My spouse NEVER wanted to have kids...but after I became pregnant 5 years into the marriage, he became "FATHER OF THE YEAR" for 25 straight years--the man adores/worships his kids.

While it's good to know whether a person wants to be father, I wouldn't push the conversation until his "intentions" became clearer--such as an engagement or application for a marriage license is tendered!

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

Maybe he is playing around with the idea of wanting kids in his head, but isn't quite ready to entertain the thought right now. I mean it takes men a lot longer than women to let go of their manly freedom lol. But maybe he does want kids, but is scared to think of himself as a "future daddy" right now. It just seems like it's something he thinks about from time to time, but isn't completely sure of right now. I wouldn't overact. Just let this one blow

 

[Dommo]

I feel that my SO and my friends shouldn't be talking about anything that has to do with our relationship unless it's about buying me a gift. I'm very big on privacy and that is a big no no for me. Also if this is your man, why can't he talk to you himself about these things? I find it very immature.

 

[hopeful]

Update:


He just called and I talked for about 15 min. before I asked him but I wish I hadn't.

First I asked if he talked to bff about wanting to have a kid and he was like I believe I did but I can't remember, why?

Then I told him and asked him why hadn't he told me, he said he figured I knew and that maybe I never took him serious.

I told him I felt as tho' he never communicated that to me directly.

Then he says, "women, always making something out of nothing". I was like baby it's really not that big of a deal. But SO feels when things aren't a big deal they shouldn't be asked. Then he figured bff was being messy by telling me that. So I called it off and was like, no biggie baby it's cool...just wanted to know if that's how you really felt. He took a deep breath and said baby enjoy the rest of your day erplexed

Don't really feel as tho' I was overreacting but maybe so...

Listen, please don't minimize this. It is important to you because one, you really want kids and he isn't co-signing you when you talk about it, and two, he has talked to two of your friends about it. If it were me, I'd have one more good discussion about it to get things clear. It may feel awful but this won't be nagging you anymore. Get it clear if he indeed wants to have children with you and how he feels about that and get a few more details on why he's discussing it with your friends. He may get mad, so what, if you are going to marry him and have kids with him, he has to sometimes have conversations he doesn't want to have in order to settle your mind.

ETA: I do not think you are overreacting. Your feelings are important and need to be addressed imo.

 

[JustKiya]

It sounds like he 'assumed' that you knew that he wanted to have kids - and with you - so he never had to make the straight out statement 'Hey, 5+5 - I want to have a baby with you.' and he's kinda confused/wondering as to why him saying it to your friends is such a big thing.

*sigh* Sometimes, with DH & I, what we think we are saying, and the clarity with which we think we are saying it isn't received the same way by the other - and we move on, assuming that we are on the same page/have an understanding - and then something happens, and we realize we actually need to have that conversation to be sure we are on the same page - and that sounds like that might be the point at which ya'll are at.

So, in a way, yeah, I think you are overreacting to think that he has something he needs to 'confess' to you - I think ya'll just need to sit down and have the kids conversation - when? how many? parenting styles? schools? religion? the whole nine......... before you get married.

Honestly the 'if it isn't a big deal, it shouldn't be talked about/asked about' attitude worries me more. EVERYTHING becomes a big deal if you ignore it/don't talk about it until it is one.........

 

[Aviah]

Personally its not really about the baby thing, but its about the fact that you guys are in a relationship. If he feels that way he should tell you first. He must want you to know if he's going to tell your friends. Unless like OP he was just talking for the aske of making conversation...?