How to deal with a man with baggage..

M

Mermaid0684

Member
How do you ladies deal with a man with a hang-up? What have been your experiences?

Here's mine:

I met a man online who i've known for a long time. We've hung out on a few occasions and he's pretty cool. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He calls pretty frequently, which is nice cause he's got a yummy accent :lick:. However, he ALWAYS calls from work the number he calls from sends me directly to building's operator(I tried calling it one day). Its no big deal 'cause I really don't want to call him at work. Anyway, he's reluctant to give me his home/cell number 'cause of a past experience with a girl. She basically called him non-stop and began to stalk him. To make matters worse, they worked in the same building.

A hang-up is a hang-up, in my opinion. However, I feel though that his baggage keeps him from coming out to visit (he lives 1 hour & 15 minutes west of me) as often as he would like to. I feel as if he's trying to control our situation based on what happened to him in the past.

We're just friends, by the way, who flirt way in excess...:bdance:
 
Just want to make sure I understand your situation.....What are you looking for and what is he looking for? Are you two entertaining the thought of a possible relationship? Has that been halted because of his past experiences?


Mermaid0684 said:
How do you ladies deal with a man with a hang-up? What have been your experiences?

Here's mine:

I met a man online who i've known for a long time. We've hung out on a few occasions and he's pretty cool. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He calls pretty frequently, which is nice cause he's got a yummy accent :lick:. However, he ALWAYS calls from work the number he calls from sends me directly to building's operator(I tried calling it one day). Its no big deal 'cause I really don't want to call him at work. Anyway, he's reluctant to give me his home/cell number 'cause of a past experience with a girl. She basically called him non-stop and began to stalk him. To make matters worse, they worked in the same building.

A hang-up is a hang-up, in my opinion. However, I feel though that his baggage keeps him from coming out to visit (he lives 1 hour & 15 minutes west of me) as often as he would like to. I feel as if he's trying to control our situation based on what happened to him in the past.

We're just friends, by the way, who flirt way in excess...:bdance:
Click to expand...
 
My answer to that question is to not deal with a man with baggage, at least not in the capacity of relationship status. Especially if he takes the wrong lessons from the past and try to apply them to you out of either fear, or something deeper.

In my experience, just ONE example from dealing with a man with baggage. One of his exes ended up cheating on him with someone she worked with and left him for him. He tells me this in the same breath of not wanting me to work. Dude did not feel secure with me leaving the house every morning!! Something he MET me doing, one of the things that drew him to me, my independence. I tell you men like that, the issues they have are not with women but themselves and they refuse to accept or deny they that have the issues but the woman does and needs to make their woman conform to them, which ends up being an unhealthy situation.

You can still talk to him but he's got ALOT of growing up to do mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
 
kriscarp said:
Sounds like he has a live-in....Have you been to his house?
Click to expand...


This crossed my mind too but it left it when she brought up punishing her for females in his past. Yup yup, could also very well be simply that he's hiding something. The typical of dudes who date online, IMO.
 
kriscarp said:
Sounds like he has a live-in....Have you been to his house?
Click to expand...

Absolute gospel truth there.

A little tip: men who want to justify treating you in a shady manner by blaming another female are often abusive, too. The type who will say he robbed a bank cuz his ex cheated. :rolleyes:
 
Mermaid0684 said:
How do you ladies deal with a man with a hang-up? What have been your experiences?

Here's mine:

I met a man online who i've known for a long time. We've hung out on a few occasions and he's pretty cool. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He calls pretty frequently, which is nice cause he's got a yummy accent :lick:. However, he ALWAYS calls from work the number he calls from sends me directly to building's operator(I tried calling it one day). Its no big deal 'cause I really don't want to call him at work. Anyway, he's reluctant to give me his home/cell number 'cause of a past experience with a girl. She basically called him non-stop and began to stalk him. To make matters worse, they worked in the same building.
A hang-up is a hang-up, in my opinion. However, I feel though that his baggage keeps him from coming out to visit (he lives 1 hour & 15 minutes west of me) as often as he would like to. I feel as if he's trying to control our situation based on what happened to him in the past.

We're just friends, by the way, who flirt way in excess...:bdance:
Click to expand...

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but I think he has a significant other (either a wife/gf). The whole call you from work thing is a huge giveaway. And if he wanted to move on and be in a new relationship, even if burned in the past, he would (so the whole, I don’t want to get stalked thing doesn’t sound right)!
 
joyousnerd said:
Absolute gospel truth there.

A little tip: men who want to justify treating you in a shady manner by blaming another female are often abusive, too. The type who will say he robbed a bank cuz his ex cheated. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

And let the church say Amen! That's what I was trying to get at. It's also an indicator of possessiveness and controlling issues as well. They use it to feel vindicated in their ways, an 'excuse' for the way he is. Men like that will also never take responsibility for their actions, will always expect the impossible out of you but he's excused because he was 'hurt'. Girl..I could write a novel on it.
 
I'm thinking the same thing. Based on his "past experience" I can probably understand him not wanting to give out his home number but what harm can be done with a cellphone number? I'm not trying to be negative but there's sounds like there is more to his story and it's beyond having baggage and control issues.
Look at the facts - he only calls from work and that number leads back to the bldg operator, he lives over an hour away and doesn't visit much and won't give out his phone numbers? Most people that have long-distance type of relationships use the telephone as their way of staying close.

Where do you guys meet when you hang out?

ETA: I'm really not trying to put things in your mind about this person. He may be a sweet guy but something just doesn't sound right.
kriscarp said:
Sounds like he has a live-in....Have you been to his house?
Click to expand...
 
Either way, past experience or a possible live in it ain't good.

You sound as if you are very interested in him, be careful. I would say pump the brakes on this one.

Something is not completely kosher with this situation. If he is so scared of stalking, why is he ON-LINE?

Anyone with past experience would be very leery of this particularly if the last person was met through the internet.

Nope, as my honey says....The math in this is all WRONG!!!! This is not baggage this is a warning sign.

I have two questions. How long is a "Long time" you have been talking and what do you mean by flirt way in excess? You want to be sure he is worth the emotional investment you are placing in this even with flirting.

If the goal is to be happy and grow this into a satisfying relationship then the foundation is already starting a little rocky.
 
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Yeah, this sounds real fishy. He isn't worried about any stalkers because all you have to do is look up the phone number to his job and show up and start trouble there. Now, where would you rather someone who brings drama show up...your house or your job... not where you make money! I would pump the brakes on this one as well.
 
I am not very trusting as it is and someone that would not allow me to have access to all numbers, I don't want to talk to them. If he isn't ready to move on from his past then I couldn't be part of the future. IMHO
 
Cosigning with what everyone said in here so far.

Relationships should be easy/effortless...ESPECIALLY AT THE BEGINNING
If he cannot at least hide the baggage for a couple months then like the others I think he is making excuses.

If you really like him tread lightly.
 
kriscarp said:
Sounds like he has a live-in....Have you been to his house?
Click to expand...
This is exactly what I thought. It sounds like an excuse to me!
Does he have ur home or cell number?
Do you want more from him? If you dont then dont worry about it but if you do, how can you trust a man who wont give you his home number or cell? What if you were on that side of town and got in trouble
Or stranded? He couldnt come help you.

I think he has another woman. Not to be pessamistic or anything but my friend just got out of something that sounds similar to this.

If you are looking to make something strong work with guy, I would take a long hard look at whether or not he can be totally trusted.
 
foxxymami : Neither one of us is looking for a relationship and that was established after a couple of months of talking. We haven’t talked about it since then and that was about 1.5 years ago.

SvelteVelvet: He might be 29, but he still does have a lot of growing up to do. He’s very self- conscious about his accent and how he looks. Let’s just say, he’s much better looking in real life than in pictures.

In regards to possessiveness and controlling issues, my roomie and I were out with him one night and told him a story about how we were hanging over another guy friends house. The next day I got an e-mail from him and he was all like “so what were you doing over his house? I don’t own you, but damn girl.” Uhhh…honey, you don’t know me like that. And he certainly the only guy that I can hang out with.

I haven’t been to his house, yet. Every time we hang out, its in a public place and with a group of people. That’s initiated by me. I may talk to him online, but I’ve only hung out with him a handful of times. I have a little bit of trust in him, but not that much.

cocoberry10: That’s why I don’t fully trust him ‘cause he’s always calling from work. He says he single, he trusts me and that I know more about him than most people around him do. I’m thinking like….ummm yeah…maybe for all the people that u talk to online.

Natasha2005: I’ve had boyfriend who have lived 3 hours away from me and there were no problems. And you are right, there is nothing wrong with giving out a cell phone number.

mscocoface: lol @ The math in this is all WRONG!!!!

I’m not gonna lie, I am interested in him and I’m curious as to how far this will go. However, I’m cautious at the same time. We flirt a lot, more than two platonic friends should. I’ve known him for about 1.5 years.
 
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jturner7156 said:
Yeah, this sounds real fishy. He isn't worried about any stalkers because all you have to do is look up the phone number to his job and show up and start trouble there. Now, where would you rather someone who brings drama show up...your house or your job... not where you make money! I would pump the brakes on this one as well.
Click to expand...

I could totally walk up in that hospital (his place of employment) lookin' all crazy, talking 'bout I'm his baby mama. I'm sure he wouldn't want that.
 
Make up your mind about what you want from him.
From what you've said it sounds like there's someone there, gf, wife or bf who knows.

If he was worried about being stalked he wouldn't give out any no.
Ask yourself if you had a past stalker and were worried about it happenning again would you give out your work no. and let your work collegues know you're business. I'm based in the UK and we can buy SIM cards here very cheaply, you simply put credit on them and chcuk them once you're done with the use of the no. Prob solved.

If he ain't giving out his no's it's cos he's got a significant other on the end of the phone. I don't care what he says about past exp. stalker.

BTW, are you sure it was the woman doing the stalking, huh.
 
Don't want to put ideas in your head, but if you can't give me a direct number to get at u. BYE!!!!! He seems like he has something to hide. Tread lightly.
 
Mermaid0684 said:
foxxymami : Neither one of us is looking for a relationship and that was established after a couple of months of talking. We haven’t talked about it since then and that was about 1.5 years ago.

SvelteVelvet: He might be 29, but he still does have a lot of growing up to do. He’s very self- conscious about his accent and how he looks. Let’s just say, he’s much better looking in real life than in pictures.

In regards to possessiveness and controlling issues, my roomie and I were out with him one night and told him a story about how we were hanging over another guy friends house. The next day I got an e-mail from him and he was all like “so what were you doing over his house? I don’t own you, but damn girl.” Uhhh…honey, you don’t know me like that. And he certainly the only guy that I can hang out with.

I haven’t been to his house, yet. Every time we hang out, its in a public place and with a group of people. That’s initiated by me. I may talk to him online, but I’ve only hung out with him a handful of times. I have a little bit of trust in him, but not that much.

cocoberry10: That’s why I don’t fully trust him ‘cause he’s always calling from work. He says he single, he trusts me and that I know more about him than most people around him do. I’m thinking like….ummm yeah…maybe for all the people that u talk to online.

Natasha2005: I’ve had boyfriend who have lived 3 hours away from me and there were no problems. And you are right, there is nothing wrong with giving out a cell phone number.

mscocoface: lol @ The math in this is all WRONG!!!!

I’m not gonna lie, I am interested in him and I’m curious as to how far this will go. However, I’m cautious at the same time. We flirt a lot, more than two platonic friends should. I’ve known him for about 1.5 years.
Click to expand...


Girrrll....it sounds like u may be a bit confused. I say runnnnnnn far away and don't look back because it seem like you are catching feelings with a mystery. You have been knowing each other for 1.5 years and you have never been to his house??? He is definately hiding something and sounds like he is stringing you along. When you say you are curious as to how far it will go, what are you saying? It sounds like you are catching feelings for him, back away for a minute and analyze the situation.
 
I just got done dealing with this, thanks to some advice from some other ladies on the LHCF. A similar situation, we were friends for a very long time, later became intimate, but it never really felt right. He was a divorced father and used the ex and her treatment of him and the kids as an excuse for everything, including his inability to commit to a relationship although he expected me to be completely committed to him.

I agree with the other ladies. The bottom line is that if a man's intentions towards you whether as a friend or more are sincere, than he tells you, he shows you, and you feel it. As women, we have amazing instincts that we try to ignore by justifying a man's strange or bad behavior. You know something doesn't feel right. Trust your instincts.
 
Mermaid0684 said:
How do you ladies deal with a man with a hang-up? What have been your experiences?

Here's mine:

I met a man online who i've known for a long time. We've hung out on a few occasions and he's pretty cool. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He calls pretty frequently, which is nice cause he's got a yummy accent :lick:. However, he ALWAYS calls from work the number he calls from sends me directly to building's operator(I tried calling it one day). Its no big deal 'cause I really don't want to call him at work. Anyway, he's reluctant to give me his home/cell number 'cause of a past experience with a girl. She basically called him non-stop and began to stalk him. To make matters worse, they worked in the same building.

A hang-up is a hang-up, in my opinion. However, I feel though that his baggage keeps him from coming out to visit (he lives 1 hour & 15 minutes west of me) as often as he would like to. I feel as if he's trying to control our situation based on what happened to him in the past.

We're just friends, by the way, who flirt way in excess...:bdance:
Click to expand...


Sounds like he may be married or have a gf...
 
LOL I swear I thought we were seeing the same guy. But I have all of his numbers and Ive been to his place (he lets me stay there by myself so if I want to snoop I can :grin: I dont though). He has some baggage and we've established that he doesnt want a relationship (Ive changed my mind) so Im right where you are.

But mmh after a 1.5 what is the reason he hasnt given you other numbers and that you've never been to his place? I mean after that long he should know if your crazy or not.
 
Nope. Going thru that right now and as soon as bruhman sees fit to allow me to communicate with him he's gon' hear it. That's way too controlling. We can't talk until YOU'RE ready to communicate? Aw hayull naw.

Deal with your issues, cause I am not paying for your exes mistakes.
 
It's tiime for you to move on. That 'possible stalker' act would have worked the first two months but after 1.5yrs and you still can't get a direct number or an address, something ain't right...ol boy is hiding something. It seems like you like him A LOT so I say protect yourself b/c all the signs are there that he's not telling you everything.
 
sky_blu said:
LOL I swear I thought we were seeing the same guy. But I have all of his numbers and Ive been to his place (he lets me stay there by myself so if I want to snoop I can :grin: I dont though). He has some baggage and we've established that he doesnt want a relationship (Ive changed my mind) so Im right where you are.

But mmh after a 1.5 what is the reason he hasnt given you other numbers and that you've never been to his place? I mean after that long he should know if your crazy or not.
Click to expand...

Exactly!

However, part of me is naturally curious about him and the other part could really care less if I heard from him again. It's easier said than done.
 
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