How to date?

[Kinkyhairlady]

I know this is a silly question but given my track record I think I have been doing everything wrong. I started off the new year kind of sad but I am better now and I want to get out there and start dating again. All of 2010 I did not date and it was a pretty lonely year. I refuse for the same thing to happen this year. I have a couple of friends who want to introduce me to people but I am nervous because I do not want to screw anything up.

I noticed because I live alone men always suggest coming over which I hate, usually I say
no or lie and say I have relatives staying with me (then they think I am odd because of that). Second I realize I always have to make the plans to go out somewhere like choose a restaurant etc. I don’t want that role anymore, I want someone who will wine and dine me and can think on his own. When do I agree to go on a date, after a couple of days of talking or a couple of weeks, I tend to like to talk for at least 1 to 2 weeks before going out.

I know what I want but I don’t want it to come off as to picky. Also I need to find out if the person is serious or not without sounding like I want to marry him asap. I have to do things different this year to see how it plays out. Years prior I was too in a rush and all over the place. did not know what I was doing but I am more focused but don't know how to play this dating game. Also I don't need every man I date knowing where I live either, how do you do that without offending them?

 

[Dee Raven]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I don't like for people to know where I live either. When you feel comfortable is when it's the right time. And a lot of men try to rush the physical aspect of the relationship by coming over and if that's not what you want then definitely don't do it. I also think it's perfectly acceptable to let someone know that you are looking for a more serious relationship. That doesn't mean that they have to be ready right now for marriage. It just means that if they are looking for a short term hit it and quit it they need to look elsewhere. I have talked to several men about this, and if they are looking for a serious relationship they have no qualms about letting the female know their intentions. And being more clear saves you from wasting time with someone who wasn't going to meet your needs in the first place. Lastly, I think since you are looking for someone for a more long term relationship you do need to be a little more picky about who that person is going to be. If you want someone who is going to take charge, be romantic, chivalrous, or whatever it is your looking for, then that is exactly the person that you need to be looking for. People don't change the core of who they are ever. Certainly not because you ask them too. So you need to make sure that you find the person who is what you want right now. So you have it right, my friend. I wouldn't change one thing about how you are approaching dating right now.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I don't like for people to know where I live either. When you feel comfortable is when it's the right time. And a lot of men try to rush the physical aspect of the relationship by coming over and if that's not what you want then definitely don't do it. I also think it's perfectly acceptable to let someone know that you are looking for a more serious relationship. That doesn't mean that they have to be ready right now for marriage. It just means that if they are looking for a short term hit it and quit it they need to look elsewhere. I have talked to several men about this, and if they are looking for a serious relationship they have no qualms about letting the female know their intentions. And being more clear saves you from wasting time with someone who wasn't going to meet your needs in the first place. Lastly, I think since you are looking for someone for a more long term relationship you do need to be a little more picky about who that person is going to be. If you want someone who is going to take charge, be romantic, chivalrous, or whatever it is your looking for, then that is exactly the person that you need to be looking for. People don't change the core of who they are ever. Certainly not because you ask them too. So you need to make sure that you find the person who is what you want right now. So you have it right, my friend. I wouldn't change one thing about how you are approaching dating right now.

Thank you for breaking it down. Yes I hate when guys want to come over just cause they know I live alone, I know exactly what they are after so I just don't want to to go there. Another thing that is going to be an issue is that I am not giving up the goods until I walk down the aisle. This is a personal choice I made after my last relationship but for some reason men don't respect it. They always say oh so your last bf was better then me or you're not a V so why are you trying to act like one. I really hate that and I just don't know how to put it out there anymore to get it out of the way. Ugh I really hate dating but I have to do it to find Mr.Right I guess.

 

[LoveisYou]

How soon are you discussing sex with these men? I just don't think your "non-virgin" status should be a discussion right off the bat. I believe in being a bit mysterious; a man doesn't need to know whether you are a virgin or not early on. All he needs to know if the issue comes up is that you have chosen to wait for your future husband.
Also, if a man suggests coming over, simply let him know you like hanging out outside your house (it's a lot more fun) he'll get the point. If he's a good respectful guy he will take you out, if he's not let him get to steppin'. There's no need for any man you are just getting to know to be over your house, it just doesn't sound safe and you deserve to be courted.
I completely agree with you not allowing every man you date to know where you live. Just let a man know in a nice way that you feel comfortable getting to know ppl before allowing them to see where you live. Again, a good dude will completely understand that and would not want to make you uncomfortable. I think you are being very reasonable and you have to look out for YOUR best interest. Quit second guessing yourself so much, any man worth is salt can recognize that a smart woman looks out for her well-being.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Wondering about the dynamic you're setting up because a similar dynamic can be set up with someone who is not having sex until in a serious relationship, etc so even if you've had sex before, and want to wait it should not come up at all at this stage. I know someone in this exact situation when I used to work for a matchmaker. She didn't know what to do, but really you have a right to change your mind.

Once she was told this she felt empowered to make sure that she set up the right dynamic and also turned the question onto a guy when this subject was brought up. Meaning this is kinda where we lead her (to say...or something similar)

Him: well it's not like you're a virgin.

Her (in a non aggressive, non annoyed manner, just matter of fact like; or even playfully...whatever gets the job done and lets him know where you stand, but at the same time makes him back off)...

Her: What does that have to do with it? I have a right to change my mind and I'm very selective about who I will sleep with and the man will have to be worth it. It's that simple. The next man I sleep with will be the man I'm marrying. If a guy isn't okay with that, that's fine. But the right guy will recognize that I'm worth it.

. It's very simple...if sex is coming up on the first date (then there are no second dates to me because I think he's just wanting sex. Also working for a matchmaker I found it was always a bad sign. Why? Because he's not interested in connecting with you ...well he is but not in the way you think. And the same with someone who wants to go back to your place. For a guy like that I'd say, "Why? I'm very selective. That's not going to happen because I just met you.")

If he's asking out the bat, you're meeting the wrong men (going to the wrong places, etc), or setting up the wrong dynamic: How are you being approached, what kinds of places are you approached (at), and do you bring up or do they bring up sex on a first date, and also how are you dressed?

 

[awhyley]

Thank you for breaking it down. Yes I hate when guys want to come over just cause they know I live alone, I know exactly what they are after so I just don't want to to go there. Another thing that is going to be an issue is that I am not giving up the goods until I walk down the aisle.

I wouldn't really give out that information all willy nilly, esp. if they're asking about that in the first conversation. Also, it sounds as if they don't live alone, (ie. either with their mama or baby mama), and are using you and your space without regards to your needs. Lastly, you're gonna find more frogs than princes out there this year, but don't let it bring you down.

 

[SunySydeofLyfe]

Get the book "Why Men Love B*tches".
I also suggest, stop considering every dinner with a man a date. I say this because we as women date with a mission...getting to the ring...if we hang out in more of a friendly context we allow ourselves the chance to get to know a man as a friend, we are more relaxed and have no preconceived notions of what could be. We don't over analyze or judge we take the person as is. I use to say back in my prime "I dont turn down a free meal". Dont get me wrong the reason for that stance was, its simply dinner. He doesnt have a chance for the panties and when I am tired I can get in my car and go home. What that did for me was kept my date book filled, my face with a smile and a chance to practice with men and if one did tickle my fancy he would get a second dinner, but take the invite, have fun, if it doesnt work out no love lost, thats what men do.....