How To Break Up w/ Single Dad?

Enyo

Enyo

Well-Known Member
How To Break Up w/ Single Dad? (UPDATE, P. 2)

Ok, Ladies. I have a question for you. I've had a couple "dates" with a great guy, but he's a single dad and I don't like or want kids. I'm kind of torn because it's so hard to find someone here in Hawaii for a number of reasons. We both have had bad luck since moving here. He has everything going for him, but he always takes his son whenever we go out and it's insanely awkward. I don't like having to compete for his attention, having the kid interrupt ever 30 seconds, or having to keep my topics kid friendly because his son is always there. When we go out I feel like a third wheel and I hate it.

I know I have to stop seeing him, but I'm not sure what to tell him. Should I be honest and say I'm just not a kid person? Make something up? People can get really sensitive about their kids. I can tell he really likes me but I do not see a future with anyone who has full custody. Even partial custody is a turn off. I feel guilty because I admire that he's a great dad, but that is also why I can't be with him. I've never dated a guy with kids so I'm not sure how honest I should be. Thanks.

ETA: And WHERE should I do it? Email and phone seem rude, but that's the only time I can have a private conversation with him.
 
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You don't owe him any explanation. You've only been on a couple dates. Just tell him you don't feel a connection and you wish him well. You also don't owe him a face to face after a couple dates. Do it over the phone. It's not a "break up"... you're just moving on.


ETA: Also, it's a red flag that he introduces his children to women he doesn't even know. I know being a single parent is hard... but bringing your child along for dates is ridiculous. Find a sitter.
 
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Umn why is he bringing his kid on dates? Get a sitter! I can understand the awkwardness!

Just end it if you aren't into children... No sense in wasting your time or his (or his sons... Smh). Again, why the heck is he bringing his kid on dates???? That's weird and irresponsible!

After 2 dates, I would just fade away. Or send him a text saying that it isn't going to work. I don't feel like you owe him some drawn out "ending." But, at the same time, he needs to know that he shouldn't bring his kid on dates... Just a word of advice for the next time he dates.
 
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SmileyNY said:
You don't owe him any explanation. You've only been on a couple dates. Just tell him you don't feel a connection and you wish him well.


Also, it's a red flag that he would introduce his children to women he doesn't know. I know being a single parent is hard... but bringing your child along for dates is ridiculous. Find a sitter.
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Yes, but we talked everyday for quite a while before we met (he had a long string of 12 hour shifts and I was busy with school). We've only been out a couple times in person, but we've been talking for a month. Plus, I do feel a connection with him and that's obvious. He'd know I was lying. I try not to lie when I won't be able to hide it well. :look:

And, thank you for confirming that bringing his son was weird. Like I said, I've never dated a single parent so I'm not sure what the etiquette is.
 
I just fade to black. You dont owe him any alleigance...you only went on a few dates.

If he presses the issue, tell him the truth. He will get over it.
 
Enyo said:
Yes, but we talked everyday for quite a while before we met (he had a long string of 12 hour shifts and I was busy with school). We've only been out a couple times in person, but we've been talking for a month. Plus, I do feel a connection with him and that's obvious. He'd know I was lying. I try not to lie when I won't be able to hide it well. :look:

And, thank you for confirming that bringing his son was weird. Like I said, I've never dated a single parent so I'm not sure what the etiquette is.
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From the OP, it sounds like you don't have a connection with him. To me, when you feel a connection with someone, that means you can see yourself being with them. Just because you like some things about them, doesn't mean there is a connection.

It sounds like you definitely do not see yourself with him. IMO, that's not a connection. It's quite the opposite.


ETA: But... whatever you feel the honest reason is that you don't see it working, tell him the wide angle version of that without getting too specific. If it's the fact that he has a kid attached to his hip... Say you don't see your lifestyles meshing well. If asks why.... Say because you don't want children, and he's a family man. The end.
 
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Just be honest.

As much as we talk about how much we hate when guys disappear on us, play games, etc., I don't think that's the way to go. If he was an a - hole, maybe, but that's not the case.
 
How old is his son?

I think you're overthinking it; you two are still in the dating phase. If you were in an actual relationship, then yes, I would suggest meeting face to face. But you've only met twice. Tell him you're not feeling it anymore via phone call/text and chuck the deuces.

And besides, what's wrong with being honest? I think anyone, regardless of their feelings towards kids, would find it weird that they have to double date with someone's kid right out the gate.
 
MzLady78 said:
Just be honest.

As much as we talk about how much we hate when guys disappear on us, play games, etc., I don't think that's the way to go. If he was an a - hole, maybe, but that's not the case.
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I agree. I've had guys just stop contacting me without giving me a reason, and I find that to be rude and very immature. I think using the "we barely went out so I don't have to tell them anything" is just and excuse to avoid being an adult and just telling people you're not going see them anymore as not to leave them wondering. Shoot, I've even told jerks I don't want to see them anymore. I just wasn't very nice about it

SmileyNY said:
From the OP, it sounds like you don't have a connection with him. To me, when you feel a connection with someone, that means you can see yourself being with them. Just because you like some things about them, doesn't mean there is a connection.

It sounds like you definitely do not see yourself with him. IMO, that's not a connection. It's quite the opposite.

ETA: But... whatever you feel the honest reason is that you don't see it working, tell him the wide angle version of that without getting too specific. If it's the fact that he has a kid attached to his hip... Say you don't see your lifestyles meshing well. If asks why.... Say because you don't want children, and he's a family man. The end.
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I like the idea about lifestyles not meshing. That’s perfect.

I can totally see myself being with him for the long term, but I cannot see being a stepmom. A connection is between two people unless you are polyamorous. Last night he took me to the beach to watch the sunset while his son rode his bike around, and it was really nice. We have good chemistry when it's not interrupted. The dynamic totally changes with the kid around.

JustifiablyMe said:
How old is his son?

I think you're overthinking it; you two are still in the dating phase. If you were in an actual relationship, then yes, I would suggest meeting face to face. But you've only met twice. Tell him you're not feeling it anymore via phone call/text and chuck the deuces.

And besides, what's wrong with being honest? I think anyone, regardless of their feelings towards kids, would find it weird that they have to double date with someone's kid right out the gate.
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He's almost 10, and yes, I'm a perpetual over thinker. :sad:

I'm asking because some people get really defensive when it comes to their kids. I never know how much I should bring them into the equation. I don't want to overstep my boundaries.
 
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I understand what you mean but... his child is a part of him. A huge part of him. You feel a connection with a version of him that doesn't exist... the childless one.
 
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i would tell him hes great and i have a lot of fun with him, but i thought i could deal with the kid issue and i cant... and its not fair for me to be involved in any serious way not being able to deal with all the responsibilities of parenting :yep:
 
I would just tell him the truth. He sounds like a nice guy and he at least deserves this.

Did you know he had a child before dating him? Save yourself the heartache and your time by not dating guys with children in the first place. I understand your point of view and would probably avoid dating men with children myself.

Sent from my iPad...excuse the typos. I don't get mentions on the app. :( PM me for a faster response
 
I would say to be honest and say that you're not a kid person.

But, I'm in the same position right now and he seems like a really nice guy but I don't know how to say "I don't date men with children" without hurting his feelings. It would've been better if we now met then I wouldn't care lol. Like you, I've been talking to him for a while so the conversation may be awkward.
 
MrsMe said:
I would just tell him the truth. He sounds like a nice guy and he at least deserves this.

Did you know he had a child before dating him? Save yourself the heartache and your time by not dating guys with children in the first place. I understand your point of view and would probably avoid dating men with children myself.
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Yeah, he is a very kind man. Always offering to help me and is truly interested in what I say. I didn't realize he had sole custody, though. I don't know if I missed it or if he changed his profile after we talked for the first time and I was clearly surprised when he said the boy lived with him.

I try not to date men with kids, but pickings are already slim - especially if you're black in Hawaii. Most men in my age group either have kids or want them. I feel like if I ever want to find someone, I either have to date a man with grown kids (generally they are well over 40) or a younger guy with small kids.
 
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I just wrote him an email because I knew I'd stumble if we talked on the phone. I did mention that bringing his son on our "dates" was uncomfortable for me.
 
Update! My email (minus the pleasantries):

I generally date older men who have grown children because they generally don’t want more, but I’ll go for a dad with younger children because they are way less likely to pressure me to have a baby. But I figured that we’d date alone for a while, and then if we become serious, I’d meet your son. But having him on our outings from the gate has me feeling a overwhelmed and awkward because I barely know you, and now I’m also trying to get to know your son too. Our lifestyle choices are just very different. You are very much a family man while I prefer things to just be me, my partner, and a pet. Maybe it’d have been different if we had some time alone first and then I was eased into the family-type deal, but being thrown into it was like being tossed into a pool of cold water. Very much a shock to the system.

I don’t want to lead you to believe I might change my mind about kids. As you know, I’m big on honesty and you deserve to know the truth going forward.



His:

I figured something was wrong yesterday beyond the whole headache thing...mainly by your demeanor...

You are right about my son, he is a integral part of my life, and he deserves my full attention...to me dating is a side note: meaning we're both grown, I don't need you to pamper me or vice versa...

I was giving it a lot of thought last night myself because I'm a sun person who wants someone who can go out with me and enjoy what I like, which you can't (both for your skin and school)...


I'm not going to see you because I don't want to give my son the wrong ideal about women especially when I start seeing someone else.

No worries, thanks for the heads up



I wrote a note saying that showing his son a revolving door of women was already giving him a bad impression and had nothing to do with me.

ETA: He responded saying that he told his son I was a "friend" because he didn't want him to see a revolving door. I said:

Do you think he can't pick up on the fact that you don't treat me like a platonic friend? He watched us hold hands, saw how you gentely helped me on and off that thing we sat on to watch the sunset, etc. He was anaylzing us. I could totally see it on his face. He's really a smart and observant child. I've met clueless kids before, and he is not one of them.


This poor man is really fooling himself. :nono: Well, at least I have another date set up already. :look: And, no, this guy doesn't have kids!
 
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^^^ Yeah, definitely doesn't sound like the kid is the clueless one. :look:

I think you handled it well. Let us know how this other date goes! :)
 
MzLady78 said:
^^^ Yeah, definitely doesn't sound like the kid is the clueless one. :look:

I think you handled it well. Let us know how this other date goes! :)
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Thank you, and yes, the 9 year old is more on point than his daddy.

This new guy has an office job, but his passion is music and he's sold a few songs (mostly as video game music). He sent me some of compositions to listen to and we talked for a long time. He even asked my opinion at one point and took my feedback seriously. I look forward to it.
 
ladysaraii said:
I didn't really like his response. Something about it bugged me. I think it was the pampering part.
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ladysaraii Yes, the response was annoying and the "pampering" part confused me. What does that have to do with anything? I think he might also be a little defensive because 1. He knew he was BSing himself by pretending he wasn't taking his son on a date 2. I don't want to see him romantically because he takes his son on dates.
 
You sent him an email that said "We're not going to work out", he sent a message back confirming, and then you respond with this?

Enyo said:
I wrote a note saying that showing his son a revolving door of women was already giving him a bad impression and had nothing to do with me.
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I don't understand why this was even necessary.
 
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LaChaBla said:
I don't understand why this was even necessary.
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I did it because I felt like it. *shrug* FWIW, he wrote back and admitted taking his son on dates was a bad idea and went against what he was trying teach him about women, so I'm glad I called him on it.
 
This part is bothersome IMO:

"You are right about my son, he is a integral part of my life, and he deserves my full attention...to me dating is a side note: meaning we're both grown, I don't need you to pamper me or vice versa..."

The bolded says a lot. Children or no children, no woman deserves to be treated like a side note :nono:...You deserve better than that. And you do deserve to be pampered. You handled everything slendidly. Good for you. I wish you the best moving forward. The new guy sounds cool and interesting.
 
A great guy wouldn't take his kids on dates with women he hardly knows and a great guy would never respond as he did. He sounds clueless & selfish. Count yourself lucky.
 
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