How Important Is Your SOs Family

[Nola Darling]

Would you reconsider an engagement/marriage with a SO because of their dysfunctional family?

My SOs family is extremely dysfunctional and it really puts a strain on our relationship. He says he wants to get engaged as soon as he gets his self together but his family situation makes it hard for him. Every time he gets into a bind, it's ME who has to help him out but when his family is in a bind he is the FIRST to open up his wallet. There is more to the story but I don't want to put everything out there.

I'm also afraid that he will bring the way he was raised into our relationship. Sometimes his upbringing(immoral & triflin ways) seeps into our relationship and I have to correct him.

What do you guys think?

 

[dlewis]

Had I thought about it, had I listen to my parents, had I listen to my MIL ex boyfriend, had I known just how disfunctional DH's family is I WOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED HIM!!!!!

Did I make that big enough?

 

[Nola Darling]

Wow, really? But aren't you in a happy marriage? If you don't mind, could you tell me how DH's family or upbringing has affected you? If you mind then that is ok.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Would you reconsider an engagement/marriage with a SO because of their dysfunctional family?

My SOs family is extremely dysfunctional and it really puts a strain on our relationship. He says he wants to get engaged as soon as he gets his self together but his family situation makes it hard for him. Every time he gets into a bind, it's ME who has to help him out but when his family is in a bind he is the FIRST to open up his wallet. There is more to the story but I don't want to put everything out there.

I'm also afraid that he will bring the way he was raised into our relationship. Sometimes his upbringing(immoral & triflin ways) seeps into out relationship and I have to correct him.

What do you guys think?

If he wants to be with you forever, he has to change something.

@ the bolded: based on that, I say he's not the one, but maybe there's more to the story. Are you willing to elaborate?

 

[mrsjohnson75]

Its very important. His family will ALWAYS be around. Nothing will change. So if you marry him expect the same $#!T to go on. Just ask yourself are you willing to deal with this for the rest of your life...if yes then get married.

 

[sunnydaze]

Would you reconsider an engagement/marriage with a SO because of their dysfunctional family?

My SOs family is extremely dysfunctional and it really puts a strain on our relationship. He says he wants to get engaged as soon as he gets his self together but his family situation makes it hard for him. Every time he gets into a bind, it's ME who has to help him out but when his family is in a bind he is the FIRST to open up his wallet. There is more to the story but I don't want to put everything out there.

I'm also afraid that he will bring the way he was raised into our relationship. Sometimes his upbringing(immoral & triflin ways) seeps into out relationship and I have to correct him.

What do you guys think?

...and this among others things is why I am divorced today.

Family is important, primarily in my opinion for the second reason you mentioned above.its one thing if your SO has a dysfunctional family but somehow he has risen above it..its another if there is a possibility of him bringing that dysfunction to a marriage.

 

[dlewis]

It has not only effected me but my kids and my family.

They believe in upholding cheaters
most of the men in their family cheat
all of the women accept these cheaters
cussing every other word
negative about everything - they will talk about their own parents
my mil is seeing a married man
Children out of wedlock is the norm - not only that, most don't even know who the fathers are
not working is the normal
mother teaching their daughter that cheating is second nature for a man, accept it, having a peice of man is better than having no man at all
they have drug my name up and down the street because I won't allow these crazy things to go on in my home
drug abuse
familes of people living in the same house
someone always needs help with this and that
I could go on and on

Yes, I'm happily married but I could have been happily married to someone else.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

It has not only effected me but my kids and my family.

They believe in upholding cheaters
most of the men in their family cheat
all of the women accept these cheaters
cussing every other word
negative about everything - they will talk about their own parents
my mil is seeing a married man
Children out of wedlock is the norm - not only that, most don't even know who the fathers are
not working is the normal
mother teaching their daughter that cheating is second nature for a man, accept it, having a peice of man is better than having no man at all
they have drug my name up and down the street because I won't allow these crazy things to go on in my home
drug abuse
familes of people living in the same house
someone always needs help with this and that
I could go on and on

Yes, I'm happily married but I could have been happily married to someone else.

But your dh makes you happy, right?

 

[sunnydaze]

It has not only effected me but my kids and my family.

They believe in upholding cheaters
most of the men in their family cheat
all of the women accept these cheaters
cussing every other word
negative about everything - they will talk about their own parents
my mil is seeing a married man
Children out of wedlock is the norm - not only that, most don't even know who the fathers are
not working is the normal
mother teaching their daughter that cheating is second nature for a man, accept it, having a peice of man is better than having no man at all
they have drug my name up and down the street because I won't allow these crazy things to go on in my home
drug abuse
familes of people living in the same house
someone always needs help with this and that
I could go on and on

Yes, I'm happily married but I could have been happily married to someone else.

wow..that's real.

...and D's husband sounds like that rare gem b/c most apples do not fall far from the tree..it takes a really strong man to be the exception of his entire family.

 

[sunnydaze]

But your dh makes you happy, right?

I understand what Dlewis is saying. Its tough to have children and not want them to be around their grandmother, aunts, uncles, etc because they are bad influences...that's hard...no man is an island.

 

[Lucie]

Extremely important. I broke up with my fiancee because his family was so ghetto. I am talking about his mom and step-dad watching porn in the living room ghetto! His mother called him the n-word instead of his name. His sister got pregnant by their step-brother and the list went on. How could I possibly conceive with this man and send our child to that zoo? Nah uh! I just couldn't.

I hate to say this but I think you should strongly reconsider!!!! I know it's no one's fault what family they're born into but if you do want to continue being with him, make SURE he is not like the bunch.

Also, have you thought about what you would do if you had to take care of his family as they age or go through problems?

Good luck!

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Extremely important. I broke up with my fiancee because his family was so ghetto. I am talking about his mom and step-dad watching porn in the living room ghetto! His mother called him the n-word instead of his name. His sister got pregnant by their step-brother and the list went on. How could I possibly conceive with this man and send our child to that zoo? Nah uh! I just couldn't.

I hate to say this but I think you should strongly reconsider!!!! I know it's no one's fault what family they're born into but if you do want to continue being with him, make SURE he is not like the bunch.

Also, have you thought about what you would do if you had to take care of his family as they age or go through problems?

Good luck!

That's not ghetto. That's classless and disgusting.

The bolded is something you should talk to him about missfadu. Have you guys discussed his fam yet, in relation to you guys' future?

 

[dlewis]

But your dh makes you happy, right?

Yes, but my relationship with them has hurt him. They are not allowed in my home so, as you can imagine, that's painful for him, even though he understands. No one should be put in a situation where they have to choose between familes. I have not asked him to but I wonder if it will come to that.

 

[Nola Darling]

If he wants to be with you forever, he has to change something.

@ the bolded: based on that, I say he's not the one, but maybe there's more to the story. Are you willing to elaborate?

Well his father has/had drug problems which tore his family apart. His mother is just plain crazy, and I mean to the point where she should seek professional help. His sister who is in her late 30s still lives at home and can't drive. His father gives his mother money for bills and half the mortgage but she just squanders it away and then asks my SO for money. He had paid their mortgage a couple of times. Still...they just recently lost thier house. Which was DISGUSTING to the point where the code people had to come by and make them fix things and clean.

He knows how to make money but CANT keep it...He gives ME his money so that he wont spend it. It's scary how quicky he goes through money. But I'll give him this....he's never late for any bills. He just has no control when it comes to spending.

He always tells me that he is so afraid that he will turn to into his father and I get alarmed when he just wants to go out for a drink when he's stressed out. I didn't think it was a big deal in college because everyone went out for a drink when they were stressed out. Even me too. But he's been drinking more often when he gets depressed about his situation.

And I'll also add that HIS situation stresses ME out ALL the time.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Well his father has/had drug problems which tore his family apart. His mother is just plain crazy, and I mean to the point where she should seek professional help. His sister who is in her late 30s still lives at home and can't drive. His father gives his mother money for bills and half the mortgage but she just squanders it away and then asks my SO for money. He had paid their mortgage a couple of times.

He knows how to make money but CANT keep it...He gives ME his money so that he wont spend it. It's scary how quicky he goes through money. But I'll give him this....he's never late for any bills. He just has no control when it comes to spending.

He always tells me that he is so afraid that he will turn to into his father and I get alarmed when he just wants to go out for a drink when he's stressed out. I didn't think it was a big deal in college because everyone went out for a drink when they were stressed out. Even me too. But he's been drinking more often when he gets depressed about his situation.

And I'll also add that HIS situation stresses ME out ALL the time.

That's very unfortunate! Has he discussed wanting his own life? I think that would be the first step to becoming happier and less stressed. The sooner he realizes that he cannot change them, the sooner he realized he determines his own destiny, and the sooner he realizes that he many be an enabler, the happier the both of you will be.

 

[Nola Darling]

That's very unfortunate! Has he discussed wanting his own life? I think that would be the first step to becoming happier and less stressed. The sooner he realizes that he cannot change them, the sooner he realized he determines his own destiny, and the sooner he realizes that he many be an enabler, the happier the both of you will be.

Yeah he has. But I don't want to support someone cutting off their family. But I guess that's what he has to do.

 

[Lucie]

That's not ghetto. That's classless and disgusting.

The bolded is something you should talk to him about missfadu. Have you guys discussed his fam yet, in relation to you guys' future?

You're absolutely right!!!! They were a heavy portion of classless with a dash of ghetto. I cannot even believe I let it get as far as accepting a wedding ring from him. Thank God I did not marry him!!! Hallelujah!!!!!

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

Yeah he has. But I don't want to support someone cutting off their family. But I guess that's what he has to do.

People are either going to hold you down, or build you up. It's up to him to decide where he wants to be. Sometimes you have to take your own sanity into consideration. He canbe there for them without going loco himself. I hope things work out.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

You're absolutely right!!!! They were a heavy portion of classless with a dash of ghetto. I cannot even believe I let it get as far as accepting a wedding ring from him. Thank God I did not marry him!!! Hallelujah!!!!!

He must've been something.

 

[Nola Darling]

Also, have you thought about what you would do if you had to take care of his family as they age or go through problems?

Good luck!

YES! I've thought about it ALOT! It's kinda scary because I don't want ANYTHING to do with them. They are a bunch of takers and I know they would never help me out so why should I help them?

The bolded is something you should talk to him about missfadu. Have you guys discussed his fam yet, in relation to you guys' future?

No, because I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. But I think I will. It needs to be done.

 

[Nola Darling]

People are either going to hold you down, or build you up. It's up to him to decide where he wants to be. Sometimes you have to take your own sanity into consideration. He canbe there for them without going loco himself. I hope things work out.

Awe, thank you!

 

[Nola Darling]

Yes, but my relationship with them has hurt him. They are not allowed in my home so, as you can imagine, that's painful for him, even though he understands. No one should be put in a situation where they have to choose between familes. I have not asked him to but I wonder if it will come to that.

Thanks for your input and sharing DLewis. I'll take your words into much consideration. I think it's great that you can be strong and put your foot down in situations like these. I need to learn how to be more assertive when it comes to what I will and won't accept.

 

[candiel]

Would you reconsider an engagement/marriage with a SO because of their dysfunctional family?

My SOs family is extremely dysfunctional and it really puts a strain on our relationship. He says he wants to get engaged as soon as he gets his self together but his family situation makes it hard for him. Every time he gets into a bind, it's ME who has to help him out but when his family is in a bind he is the FIRST to open up his wallet. There is more to the story but I don't want to put everything out there.

I'm also afraid that he will bring the way he was raised into our relationship. Sometimes his upbringing(immoral & triflin ways) seeps into out relationship and I have to correct him.

What do you guys think?

If I could go back and do it all over again..... I would have ran for the hills!!! I'm not trying to scare you but, I thought that I would be able to ignore DH's family's triflin' ways and unneccessary comments and everything be ok. I was sadly mistaken .

While engaged, I had people telling me that I was not marrying his family just him.....yeah right. It has definitely taught me an expensive lesson and I don't advise anyone to knowingly go into a situation like that. To me, it's not worth it.

 

[dlewis]

Yeah he has. But I don't want to support someone cutting off their family. But I guess that's what he has to do.

If it were me I would support him doing it, if it was his idea. Some families are toxic and can't be helped. You could give your all and they still would need this and that.

Even the bible talks about people being turning over to a reprobate mind. Some people just can't be helped.

 

[Nola Darling]

wow..that's real.

...and D's husband sounds like that rare gem b/c most apples do not fall far from the tree..it takes a really strong man to be the exception of his entire family.

Yes Sunny..I agree. My SO is very different from his family. They tease him for being open minded and smart but will be quick to take his money. I just hope he can over come his family and let them go.

Actually, it's his intermediate family who is crazy. They are the black sheep of the whole family.

 

[Nola Darling]

If I could go back and do it all over again..... I would have ran for the hills!!! I'm not trying to scare you but, I thought that I would be able to ignore DH's family's triflin' ways and unneccessary comments and everything be ok. I was sadly mistaken .

While engaged, I had people telling me that I was not marrying his family just him.....yeah right. It has definitely taught me an expensive lesson and I don't advise anyone to knowingly go into a situation like that. To me, it's not worth it.

WOW. Thanks for your input.

 

[dlewis]

Yes Sunny..I agree. My SO is very different from his family. They tease him for being open minded and smart but will be quick to take his money. I just hope he can over come his family and let them go.

Actually, it's his intermediate family who is crazy. They are the black sheep of the whole family.

That's sad. People can't choose their family.

 

[sunnydaze]

I think things can be salvaged, but like stated before,he really needs to want to change..if he recognizes it and is trying then that's good...but I'd still be engaged for a bit longer while he works some things out.

 

[candiel]

I think things can be salvaged, but like stated before,he really needs to want to change..if he recognizes it and is trying then that's good...but I'd still be engaged for a bit longer while he works some things out.

I agree. If he really wants to change and you're willing to wait it out until he does then it can be worked out, IMO.

In my case, I wished I had just stayed engaged a little longer and waited to see if this was something I could deal with for the rest of marriage.

 

[january noir]

Well his father has/had drug problems which tore his family apart. His mother is just plain crazy, and I mean to the point where she should seek professional help. His sister who is in her late 30s still lives at home and can't drive. His father gives his mother money for bills and half the mortgage but she just squanders it away and then asks my SO for money. He had paid their mortgage a couple of times. Still...they just recently lost thier house. Which was DISGUSTING to the point where the code people had to come by and make them fix things and clean.

He knows how to make money but CANT keep it...He gives ME his money so that he wont spend it. It's scary how quicky he goes through money. But I'll give him this....he's never late for any bills. He just has no control when it comes to spending.

He always tells me that he is so afraid that he will turn to into his father and I get alarmed when he just wants to go out for a drink when he's stressed out. I didn't think it was a big deal in college because everyone went out for a drink when they were stressed out. Even me too. But he's been drinking more often when he gets depressed about his situation.

And I'll also add that HIS situation stresses ME out ALL the time.

You answered your own question MissFadu!

No matter what anyone tells you, you marry the man, you marry the family and vice versa. Sad as it seems, it's going to get worse. If you don't think you can hang for the long haul (which you probably won't without losing your mind), consider another for a long term relationship or marriage. I suggest you get your SO some help, maybe counseling before his drinking becomes a sickness.

Hugs to you MissFadu (wit cha cute self!)