Is it important for him to attend this event?

[hopeful]

I will say that I believe communicating is over-rated to a degree. Yes, you want the closet to be cleaned, ask. But I have found that having to overcommunicate within a relationship may be a sign of incompatibility. When you have to discuss and ask for every little thing -- just ugh. Sometimes saying you didn't tell me is passing the buck, not being sensitive, not reading between the lines. Idk ... Good luck Fine 4s .

 

[Fine 4s]

Since you say you two are in this for the long haul, I think this is a good time to have a discussion on how he sees family. This isn't about an event. This is about family.

I don't think you are wrong for asking the questions. You two may not see things eye to eye on this and you need to be clear. Also ask yourself why it's important that he want to go. What does it mean that he wants to go versus not wanting to go?

I don't think you should overlook this. It's bothering you for a reason.

faithVA
I welcome oppotunities for clarity. This is the best way to learn how compatible we are. I'll think about your last question more.

I'm not gonna sit up here and act like you should be mad or break up or do this or that because he's not going, but yeah, I would want him to go and I would be bothered that he thinks it's okay not to go bc he doesn't want to. Who really wants to go to somebody else's grandmother's party (I'm just keeping it real )? People make that sacrifice. Now if he can't afford to or can't arrange the time off work or something, that's where I say "okay, well he's a boyfriend, I get it." But other than that, I think this is what boyfriends do: 1a) I ask you to attend something that's important to me 1b) as my companion 2) you make an effort to do it

InchHighPrivateEye
Response in order of bolds:
1. That wasn't a thought nor do I think you are suggesting that but I'm sure someone out there was thinking it so thank you for bring it up.
2. While he did mention other reasons, this seemed to be the primary reason OR the reason that I zoned in on. He said we could talk more about this later because he knew it bothered me. This discussion is an opportunity for me to gain more clarity about various things mentioned in this thread before talking about it again. And also to be less emotional.
3. That is a big reason for him.
4. So you don't seperate bf and dh 'obligations'? Just curious. But I get your point.

This is a good question. If he hadn't met granny before, I'd probably say that he should go. Since he has met her, it's not like you're trying to arrange an introduction.

You probably should just tell him you want him to be there. I wouldn't want to go either, but I probably would for a serious relationship. But the finances make it complicated. I don't think this is important enough for someone to go broke over.

Sooo...basically I wasn't very helpful.

ladysaraii
Not only has he met her, he met her a little over a month ago so budget wise...he just bought a plane ticket. *gulp*

I just saw the post about wanting him to want to go. Now idk about that OP, nah....I wouldn't expect him to just sincerely in his heart want to go--that's not to say I wouldn't expect him to sincerely have a good time once he is there and enjoy the experience of seeing you with your family and seeing the love for your grandmother and appreciating being included. I do think you can have that expectation. But to think he's initially going because of anything than supporting you is a lot IMO, but for me, that's what I would be looking for.

I meant want to go as in to be supportive, not to party with a centennial LOL
YES!

I hated when my mom would do this stuff to me. He's not a mind reader and he won't magically wind up coming to the conclusion you want him to and wanting to do things the way you want him to do it. In my mom's case for example she wants a certain closet in a certain room cleaned. She gets mad at me because I didn't do it. She gets madder because I didn't know to do it without her telling me. She gets madder because in her opinion I should want to do it without her asking it. Meanwhile I'm on the receiving end and I don't know what I did to make her upset. It ends up being a set up for a fight and both parties end up frustrated. All of this would be solved if you communicate with him and tell him what you want instead of playing these guessing "he should know what I want and should want to do it without me telling him" games.
And if you truly want him to be honest with you he may not truly want to go to your 100 year old grandmother's birthday party but may only go because you ask him to. You have to be ok with him having a different opinion than yours

Foxglove
It's not as you put it though. He knows that I want him to go (just trust me on this one), it's clear. While I can't recall details of the conversation, I brought up another point that people who don't even KNOW her were going...I didn't want to belabor the point so it wasn't a long discuss and I was alreay pissy about it. Me guilting him in going takes away from the whole experience for me. I wish he understood it sooner and without my 'encouragement'. I don't know how else to explain it.
And I want him to come to the conclusion to come on his own (rationalizing just as those in the 'he should go camp' are) without us having to DISCUSS it again or better yet, surprise me lol

Agree with both of these.

And my mother is the same way, @Foxglove is your mother a middle child? I had to get on her over the holidays b/c she was complaining about things that my dad wasn't doing and she felt she shouldn't have to tell him. Like I said, look, we aren't mind readers. Open your mouth and say something.

And yes, huge difference between someone doing something to support you and wanting to. As long as he doesn't go and end up sulking or being a jerk about it, you'll have to accept that he's there at your request. It's not his family, of course he's not going to care or be interested like you would.

Perhaps he doesn't want to do something just because and come out his pocket for it makes it even MORE of an imposition...maybe he's had to do this more times than he's liked to in his life. Who knows.
He's a sweetie, he wouldn't be rude at all but I don't know if I'd feel good about it.
Thank you for encouraging me to speak up but that's not the main issue I don't think but a valid point (one that maybe I'm overlooking or simplifying too much). I'm focused on WHY someone I'm seeing doesn't find it important to attend and what it actually says about him.



I've gotten some good feedback. Thank you ladies.

 

[Fine 4s]

I will say that I believe communicating is over-rated to a degree. Yes, you want the closet to be cleaned, ask. But I have found that having to overcommunicate within a relationship may be a sign of incompatibility. When you have to discuss and ask for every little thing -- just ugh. Sometimes saying you didn't tell me is passing the buck, not being sensitive, not reading between the lines. Idk ... Good luck Fine 4s .

WE ARE HERE ON THAT!!!!!! yessssss......
And that's what I'm trying to learn.

 

[ladysaraii]

Perhaps he doesn't want to do something just because and come out his pocket for it makes it even MORE of an imposition...maybe he's had to do this more times than he's liked to in his life. Who knows.
He's a sweetie, he wouldn't be rude at all but I don't know if I'd feel good about it.
Thank you for encouraging me to speak up but that's not the main issue I don't think but a valid point (one that maybe I'm overlooking or simplifying too much). I'm focused on WHY someone I'm seeing doesn't find it important to attend and what it actually says about him.



I've gotten some good feedback. Thank you ladies.

To be honest, that might just be a personality clash. He may not see it as important because it might not be important to him if the roles were reversed. We all tend to assign weight to things based off of our viewpoint. So if he was throwing a party for his 100 yr old grandfather and you weren't keen on going or couldn't make it, it might not be a big deal to him. So in that case, I wouldn't be surprised that he wouldn't see it as important for him to go to your event.

I could be wrong, but him not seeing the importance might be say anything other than than it's just not important to him. I think his reaction to knowing that it's personally important to know is more telling. The fact that he wanted to discuss this with you more and apparently now has bought a ticket says that he places importance on your feelings. IMO that's the important thing.

 

[Fine 4s]

To be honest, that might just be a personality clash. He may not see it as important because it might not be important to him if the roles were reversed. We all tend to assign weight to things based off of our viewpoint. So if he was throwing a party for his 100 yr old grandfather and you weren't keen on going or couldn't make it, it might not be a big deal to him. So in that case, I wouldn't be surprised that he wouldn't see it as important for him to go to your event. I could be wrong, but him not seeing the importance might be say anything other than than it's just not important to him. I think his reaction to knowing that it's personally important to know is more telling. The fact that he wanted to discuss this with you more and apparently now has bought a ticket says that he places importance on your feelings. IMO that's the important thing.

Lawd I must be confusing you ladies! He didn't buy a ticket but you are correct he's always wiling to discuss things with me. But maybe he's just a talker. Whatever this situation "means" will reveal itself again at another time. I just need to pay attention. Hopeful's post says it all though.

ETA- Ah! just saw where you might have gotten that impression. Sorry for the confusion. I meant he was just visiting my family with me a little over a month ago. Having recently bought a ticket and having to buy another ticket a couple months later may be difficult.

 

[toaster]

May I ask if you see the financial disparity between you two closing any time soon? Just glancing through the relationship thread you mention that there are things you do/want to do that he cannot afford. Is that a problem for you? If he made a higher salary would you still excuse his not wanting to attend?

 

[Fine 4s]

We have a big age gap but he has a MA so he has time to earn more. But I don't think he'll be jumping 30k more in a year so the answer is unfortunately no but I'm willing to accept it.

He'd have less of an excuse if he could afford it.

 

[Prettymetty]

He's met her.
The more I think about it, the more I think I'm just being irrational. I wish I didn't feel the way I do, but I will keep it in check.

Maybe his money is funny right now. Is it possible for you to drive instead of flying? You know, make it a road trip.

I get how you feel. I am a big family person too. Good luck. I hope everything works out.

 

[lux10023]

exactly..also imho i dont care if the party was in a room with 5 ppl playing bingo..i planned it, its a huge millstone and i think couples are a team..union...you roll i roll..

i also think when ppl in relationships only do things when they want that is a huge issue..and to me its WE not I...its about compromise, tons of things ppl dont want to do but you do it anyway because your care and love the person!!!

that would bother me, not saying we would break up but we would have a talk about what important to me...

I wasn't sure. I thought it might be a generational thing. I'm much older and I would have to think twice about an SO who wouldn't go. But because I'm older, I realize that people don't turn 100 every day and this is a big milestone. However, I have to realize that people that are younger may not see it that way.

I guess when I was younger I wouldn't have made it a big deal. But as I've gotten older I know that I want to date people who care about family.

ETA: I thought about it more. And I would have a problem with it. The fact that OP is planning the party says that it's important to her. I would expect my SO to go just based on that. If he said he couldn't afford to go that would be different. But an SO needs to know what's important. I think he is missing it.

But she's turning 100, 100 for goodness sake ... That's huge IMO and YOU are planning the party. For me those two things are game changers. The party is not in Haiti or something. Assuming it's not somewhere terribly difficult or expensive to get to. Tell him it's important to you that he be there and leave it at that.

 

[Southernbella.]

He sounds like a very honest person. It would be nice for him to suck it up and go but man, I feel him on this. I really do.

It would have been better for you both if he had come up with an excuse instead of just coming out with it.

That's tough op. I probably wouldn't have asked him to go because it wouldn't be something I would want to go to if the situation were reversed.

Sorry, I'm not helping.

 

[toaster]

We have a big age gap but he has a MA so he has time to earn more. But I don't think he'll be jumping 30k more in a year so the answer is unfortunately no but I'm willing to accept it.

He'd have less of an excuse if he could afford it.

Well, if the reason he doesn't want to go is that he can't afford it this seems like a time to acknowledge your non-traditional relationship. If you want to do things with some frequency and your partner can't afford it you either have to be okay with going alone/with friends or pay for it.

This would personally make me feel uncomfortable because I don't like buying things for (mere) boyfriends, but if it's a serious relationship and the money thing wont change if married then... I don't know.

 

[Fine 4s]

Well, if the reason he doesn't want to go is that he can't afford it this seems like a time to acknowledge your non-traditional relationship. If you want to do things with some frequency and your partner can't afford it you either have to be okay with going alone/with friends or pay for it. This would personally make me feel uncomfortable because I don't like buying things for (mere) boyfriends, but if it's a serious relationship and the money thing wont change if married then... I don't know.

I thought your question was for much later in the relationship. By the time we reach marriage and most likely baby first (I know I know...) that will change. But it won't change within the year. At the most I think a 10k jump is possible this year...

 

[Fine 4s]

Small update:

He just said "we didn't talk about the bday celebration again." I purposely said "I don't want to talk about that" (as in to say that won't end well- at least I hope that's the message he got from that look). Then he asked if I had bought my ticket and if so how much was it. I told him the price and he said, oh that's not bad!
Maybe silence works sometimes?

 

[sunnieb]

I'm an introvert, so take my response in that regard.

I wouldn't go unless asked specifically. I can't tell you how many social events I've attended solely to be there for my husband. I just sucked it up, slapped a smile on my face and went.

But again, dh knows me and I ain't no dern mind reader. Tell me it's important to you, and I'll make it happen. Otherwise, I'll plan on having a Netflix night while he's out.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using LHCF

 

[Vshanell]

I'm an introvert, so take my response in that regard. I wouldn't go unless asked specifically. I can't tell you how many social events I've attended solely to be there for my husband. I just sucked it up, slapped a smile on my face and went. But again, dh knows me and I ain't no dern mind reader. Tell me it's important to you, and I'll make it happen. Otherwise, I'll plan on having a Netflix night while he's out. Sent from my SCH-I545 using LHCF

I'm an introvert as well and I haven't chimed in because my opinion won't be "politically correct" lol. I'm working on being more social for SO but I do not want to.

 

[nlamr2013]

The fact that the woman is turning 100 I'd reason enough to go shoot that's the ultimate blessing give granny a kiss on the cheek for me!