How Honest Are You With Your Mate

[TinyT]

I was reading an article today that stated that exposed some stats on secrets that spouses/partners keep from each other. The Top secrets were:

I have a secret bank account
- Would you keep a secret bank account? Do you currently have one? And why are you keeping it a secret? Is it for personal purchase that have a high price tag? Or are you keeping large amount just in case the relationship ends?

I have an 'office spouse' I adore
- Do you have a person of the opposite sex at work that you talk to about office gossip, about your person life; have frequent lunches or dinners with? Does you spouse/partner know about it, why/why not?

I'm going to pretend I never bought that (or at least lie about what it cost)
- So uhm this one I can relate to, but as a young child. I can remember going shopping with my mom and when we would get home she would leave all but a few small packages in the trunk. We would go inside and after my dad was off doing something else, we would bring the packages in and keep them in mine or my brother’s closet. LOL. In the end, do I think what my mom did was harmful. No, I don’t. But some people may argue otherwise. Does it matter the cost of things you hide or should you disclose all items you purchase?

I earn more than you think
- I am unmarried, but even in a dating relationship, I have had men flaunt their salaries and I have had others who don’t make mention of it at all. In this day in age with women catching up with and sometimes surpassing men in the workplace, some of their egos can’t take knowing what you make. Or even, they may find that you make more and want to get money from you. So basically I never discuss salaries. Do you discuss salaries with partners/spouses; does your spouse/partner know your salary and any bonuses you make?

I spend more on my mistress/boyfriend #2 than I do on you
- Men and women have affairs. And most times the mistress or boyfriend #2 is getting gifts from your spouse or you. What happens when you find your partner has a mistress or even you yourself have a boyfriend # 2? And when you then find that they actually spend more on that person than they do on you. For instance buying you pots and pans and buying her a diamond bracelet? Does the amount even matter?

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I tell my DH most things. What I don't tell him is confidential information that my friends tell me that's between me and them---something personal going on with them. If they tell me not to tell anyone, then I won't--I'm really good about that. Everything else, fine.

I wouldn't do anything on that list above, those things are a recipe for a strained marriage and the last one "spending money on a mistress/lover" is a reason to divorce

 

[TinyT]

I tell my DH most things. What I don't tell him is confidential information that my friends tell me that's between me and them---something personal going on with them. If they tell me not to tell anyone, then I won't--I'm really good about that. Everything else, fine.

I wouldn't do anything on that list above, those things are a recipe for a strained marriage and the last one "spending money on a mistress/lover" is a reason to divorce

When I'm dating, I am the same way about confidential information. And yes that list is sketchy. But it was still an interesting article and the statistics are very disconcerting.

 

[lux10023]

im 90% honest with dh in the sense that i dont disclose certain info 5% is the stuff btwn my girls and i---women code
and the other 5% is stuff i will take with me to the grave...

would i say im honest with my dh... yes...
would i say i dsiclose everything... no...
and im okay with it being viceversa

i dont think i know 100% of anything about anyone...

and honestly speaking certain things i just dont wanan know about a person...

 

[MD_Lady]

I tell DH most things, but I've NEVER been one for something to him that someone has told me in confidence.

 

[*5+5]

OT: I'm glad to hear you ladies say that you wouldn't share with your DH personal information about your friends. I had a friend tell her FH some of my personal business that I was a bit upset about and she confirmed to me that if there was something I didn't want him to know she wasn't the person to tell b/c she kinda can't help herself she just and don't realize what she's revealed

 

[ladysaraii]

I think everyone should have their own account.

My mom did the hiding things in my closet. I'm pretty sure my dad knew b/c stuff would just pop up. She only really hid them in my closet after I went to college though, so it would get annoying when I would come home and have no space to put my suicases.

That mistress one, , it's bad enough for you to have one but when good money is leaving my house to care for someone else, we're gonna have a problem

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I think everyone should have their own account.

I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I agree Not a secret account, but a separate one that each partner knows about.

 

[ONAMSHN]

I think everyone should have their own account.

I totally agree!!!!

 

[MD_Lady]

OT: I'm glad to hear you ladies say that you wouldn't share with your DH personal information about your friends. I had a friend tell her FH some of my personal business that I was a bit upset about and she confirmed to me that if there was something I didn't want him to know she wasn't the person to tell b/c she kinda can't help herself she just and don't realize what she's revealed

I can't stand loose lips. If someone feels that getting married gives them a pass to violate a friend's trust (which is EXACTLY what she did), I can only hope they'd make their friends aware of this before someone airs all of their dirty laundry for someone else's husband to hear.

 

[Chrissy811]

I know this doesn't work for everyone, but I agree Not a secret account, but a separate one that each partner knows about.

I have one DH doesn't he says he doesn't want to keep up with more account. So everything goes into our joint ones.

 

[Chrissy811]

OT: I'm glad to hear you ladies say that you wouldn't share with your DH personal information about your friends. I had a friend tell her FH some of my personal business that I was a bit upset about and she confirmed to me that if there was something I didn't want him to know she wasn't the person to tell b/c she kinda can't help herself she just and don't realize what she's revealed

No I would never do that what goes on between GF stays between us.

 

[carcajada]

I tell him all business about my friends/coworkers/family and their personal lives. If you tell me, then you're telling him. *shrug*

He doesn't know how much is in my f-you account but he knows I have one.

 

[ladysaraii]

I tell him all business about my friends/coworkers/family and their personal lives. If you tell me, then you're telling him. *shrug*

He doesn't know how much is in my f-you account but he knows I have one.

Just out of curiousity, why?

 

[carcajada]

Just out of curiousity, why?

Because that's how our relationship is.

 

[Brownie]

I think everyone should have their own account.

I've heard that before---from someone who got a divorce after 10 years of marriage; they did the whole splitting the bills thing too. I think this raises the comments, "Well, I'm not going to spend MY money, or let's not do this or that because I don't want to spend MY money." If you promise to marry for life, it should be about WE. If you don't trust him enough to do that, he may not be the right one. If I were on my 2nd or 3rd marriage, I'd probably
feel that way about money, but as for me and my household, we are partners in this relationship and co-owners of everything. But every relationship is different, so whatever works (together/separate), but this should be discussed before marriage.

 

[bellebebe]

Very!!!

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[smwrigh3]

money in separate accounts can that be brought in divorce? I only ask b/c in 'Why Did I Get Married Too?' that was A BIG issue during the divorce proceedings.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I tell him all business about my friends/coworkers/family and their personal lives. If you tell me, then you're telling him. *shrug*

He doesn't know how much is in my f-you account but he knows I have one.

I've always been that way with SOs. I'm pretty talkative and in the words of Chris Rock, I specifically want to talk to my man, so everyone knows that if they are telling me they are telling whoever I'm with too. It is what it is.

The latter is on a need to know basis, and I'm the only one that needs to know how much is in there.

 

[Britt]

I tell him all business about my friends/coworkers/family and their personal lives. If you tell me, then you're telling him. *shrug*

He doesn't know how much is in my f-you account but he knows I have one.

.. I appreciate your honesty . A lot of women do this. I won't lie, I've been somewhat guilty of this in the past, not so much telling my girl's personal business, but if she or someone does something to irritate me, or something trife, annoying, rude, or wierd, etc... I'll tell him in a minute. It's always something situational that I would tell him. But I wouldn't tell him something personal about her. For example, my gf, her SO and I were driving home about 2 summers ago, (my gf is like a freakin deebo) and she straight up KICKED her dude out the car. I was in the back seat literally speechless like . I text my SO right away, I couldn't hold that in at all .

I'm not involved or married, but knowing myself, my SO or DH wouldn't know how much $$$ is in my F-u account either .

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

money in separate accounts can that be brought in divorce? I only ask b/c in 'Why Did I Get Married Too?' that was A BIG issue during the divorce proceedings.

Yes, it absolutely will be bought up in divorce. Esp. money accumulated during the marriage--I think it was mentioned on the board that certain monies before marriage may not be touched.

The bottom line is that during a divorce, whether you have a separate account or not, EVERYTHING will be divided accordingly.

In the event that things get ugly--there are instances when the husband/wife will wipe out the accounts of the other spouse--at least there is an account that you can live off of until things are settled.

 

[greight]

The fact that I know most of my friends talk to their boyfriends/SOs about everything is why I stopped confiding in them.

Sad that it comes to that .

 

[MD_Lady]

The fact that I know most of my friends talk to their boyfriends/SOs about everything is why I stopped confiding in them.

Sad that it comes to that .

A friend of mine wound up doing this with her (then) best friend and she (the best friend) had the nerve to feel slighted.

 

[Cien]

This thread is right on time. Just had a disagreement about this.

 

[TinyT]

This thread is right on time. Just had a disagreement about this.

Really? It is an interesting topic for sure. You would want to be open with your mater because you both are a team. But on the other hand, you are still an individual, with your own circle of friends and things that may need to be kept confidential.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I have an 'office spouse' I adore
- Do you have a person of the opposite sex at work that you talk to about office gossip, about your person life; have frequent lunches or dinners with? Does you spouse/partner know about it, why/why not?

This reminds me of Season 2 of Girlfriends when Maya started her "emotional affair" with Stan. We all know how that ended ....

 

[IMFOCSD]

from personal experience it is not a good idea to tell your S/O everything..especially since men are more private than women and they dont tell us everything..they are good at holding back or telling us only what they want us to know.

 

[R4L]

If I know that my homegirl had an abortion, why would I tell my man???? I don't get it. Some things are told to you in confidence and SHOULD NOT be shared....SMH. This attitude is what sinks ships!!!!!

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I would definitely have a secret account. There's a great book out called "How to Hide Money from your Husband."

Even if you have a separate account, if he knows about it, he will probably badger you to death about it. Not to mention that I have heard so many people have stories of how banks allowed their husbands to withdraw money from the separate account even though he wasn't listed on the account.

 

[VirtuousBeauty]

My brother is engaged and they have a shared account. He also has his own checking/savings account that he originally had and I'm sure he plans on keeping it. I can say the same for the fiancee as well.

I heard that marriages where the bills are split are more likely to last then if just one spouse it handling everything financially themselves.

I'm not married, but I'm of the mindset that if you want me to keep something private then I will. I have a friend that I would tell everything to and vice versa, but we never spoke of things people wanted to keep secret. Don't plan on changing that mentality.