How does your relationship with your father affect your personal relotionship?

[bellebebe]

I understand that one of Freud's stages in growing up is the "phalic" stage which is when a child is in competition with the parent of ther same sex and become daddy's little girl or daddy's little boy. How does that affect the child when he or she has been raised by a single parent? My father wasn't around during that stage and we've never really gotten along (for many reasons)... That is troubling me in many aspects of my life... Especially relationships.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

I understand that one of Freud's stages in growing up is the "phalic" stage which is when a child is in competition with the parent of ther same sex and become daddy's little girl or daddy's little boy. How does that affect the child when he or she has been raised by a single parent? My father wasn't around during that stage and we've never really gotten along (for many reasons)... That is troubling me in many aspects of my life... Especially relationships.

My father was and is around, but we do not get along and that affects me in many aspects of my life. I was (and still am) daddy's little girl, but he sucks at life. I can't totally sh*t on him because he is my father, was there for me when I was younger, and played a huge role in my [good] self-esteem. However, knowing that I cannot totally disregard his existence or my love for him has led me to not settle for less in other areas of life where I have choices, e.g., my choices in men and friends. I don't give people that I'm not related to (or even those who I am related to, besides my father and grandmother) too many chances. You only have one time to [intentionally wrong me], or maybe 2-3 times to flake out on me. After that, it was nice knowing you...

 

[caribeandiva]

you either look for someone just like him or someone that's his complete opposite. and what do you mean your father wasn't around? He was there as much as he could.

 

[foxieroxienyc]

It's funny because I was just talking to my mom recently about this very thing. For me, my father has never been in my life, he was around for a little while when I was younger, last saw him when I was 11. I wasnt raised by my mom, instead by my god-mother's family, and ironically my half brother (my father's son) lived across the hall from me with his mom! Yeah looooooooooooong story on that one, lol. Anyways. I think my experiences with him have REALLY skewed my view of most black men. In my 28 years, I've only dated 3 and only one was a semi serious relationship, and I have a real problem dating or allowing myself to get into a relationship with black men. To me I see them as irresponsible and not completely respectful of women, not willing to open themselves to things culturally artistic and beyond the scope of their own environments, walking around with pants hanging off their ankles which I think is repulsive, not speaking "proper" english which to me shows ignorance -- and I KNOW these are such retarded and prejudiced thoughts because I don't see the men in my family whom I do admire as being as such, they are almost to me like the exception but I can never find a man that I would want to get involved with whom I wouldnt first judge. My best friend hates that I mostly date white men, hell they are f*ckin jerks too at times, but my experiences have me in this crazy thought pattern that if faced with the choice between a white and a black man I'd choose the former instead of the latter. I'm really trying to work to change this because I realize that it's really f-ed up and that no matter what the race of the man I marry my son will always be a black male and I would never want anyone to judge him in that way... Additionally my favorite guy (my 12 yr old nephew) is my heart, and if any women were to say the crap that I say about him, I'd snatch a patch out of her head! lol

What's even more ironic... My father really has a disdain for black women, and my mother was the only one he could stand to date. He only dated white women. He wanted to be with her to settle down, but because of his ways, she refused.... When I say his ways I'm partly talking about he fact that I have ANOTHER brother through him that is MY AGE (both my brothers are bi-racial).

 

[locabouthair]

mine wasn't around at all and I find that I get attached to guys too quickly.

 

[chiprecious]

INTERESTING TOPIC!
My father was always around and still is. I find that I am harder on men because I have a standard that they must live up to or they can beat it.
However my BFF had a dad in her life and she is just the opposite. I was the baby girl, hence I was most "spoiled." Which in term in relationships I demand the same, although I also give the same. She was the 3rd of 8 kids so maybe she just never got the attention she needed for the main man in her life (dad) so when she gets it from men now that she's an adult, she's all over that even if the guys are big losers!

My fiance talk about this alot because says one thing that drew him to me was that I knew how to treat a man. But then again, we both come from families with both parents. She feels when a girl see her mother being the mother and father, she grows up not seeing/learning how a man should be treated, respected, and cherished, but also what she should expect back (the same things and more) from a relationship. When you look around, it really makes sense, but I think the same goes for men. They don't quite GET how to treat a woman when he saw his mom do both the mother and father job. He in turn can easily expect women to fend for themselves. Is that possibly why we have less "gentlemen" today?

But I also think that whatever our issue is...it came from our childhood...