How do you retain personal happiness?

T

tapioca_pudding

Well-Known Member
I may not have worded this question in the best way.. :drunk:

What I'm asking is - when you're in a serious, committed relationship or marriage, how do you maintain your own personal happiness, outside of your relationship? I guess it's akin to not 'losing yourself' in a relationship, I'm not sure..

How do you find the balance of being engaged/involved in the relationship but still having things independently that bring you joy and make you happy?

I may come back and edit/clarify, but I would really appreciate input.

Thank you!
 
Find a hobby -
Enjoy time with friends -
Keep pursuing your emotional, physical and spiritual development -
Make time to care for your self (mani pedi, hair, massages etc.)

The last two are easier for me to do...
 
I have a hobby, I love to sew. That's my me time. I may not get to do as much as I like but i try to sew at least a few hours a week. I also still go out with my friends or just meet up and hang out with every few weeks. And a lot of Sunday I hang out with my family after church so I still get see them.
 
It's just who I am. I've always enjoyed my alone time/entertaining myself and that never stopped once I got married. I've also always felt that different people enhance my life in different ways so gaining a husband never felt like a reason to lose friends or interests. So, to answer your question, you have to make a point of not feeling like you have to stop being you because you start being someone's SO.
 
I take time out to pamper myself. I splurge on hair products, do my nails, go to the gym, etc. These things make me feel and look good. He benefits from this too :yep:
 
i have to admit this is a problem area for me. i am so used to being single that when i have to adjust to a relationship, im not good with balancing how much he does and doesnt factor into my autonomy. its like i go from being super alone with nothing influencing my thoughts to his presence, being, and opinions having a lot of influence over the way i feel. i am bad with balancing how much to allow this person to change the way i would normally feel about things, experience things, and make decisions about things.

also, i am just always going to be a kind of clingy partner. i had a big problem with this in my first "serious" relationship, so i watch myself about it now. i was not doing anything with my alone time, just hanging around waiting til we would hang out again. its almost like i intentionally make my life boring so that i can experience all the fun stuff with my partner, and so when he's not there, i'm putting my life on hold for him. i would like to say im getting better at this, but idk. my ex and i spent all our time together. we enjoyed each other's company. but i think that makes men get sicker of you than you really think they could do...

i just swing from one extreme to the other. its not that i cant stand to be alone, on the contrary, i am usually very content with my solitude. its just that once i let you in and want to be around you, i swing to the other extreme :nono: and if i try to distance myself, i'm just going to distance myself back to 100% alone mode again :lol:

i think its one of those unforeseen side effects of being single.
 
Decide how independent you want to be and enjoy that space. Don't let anyone else define what your relationship should look like. An extreme example is dressing yourself, outside of a few special occasions dress according to your personality not you SO's preferences. More practical advice is to figure out who you are and how that is expressed in your life. Keep doing those things. For example, I am really into my education so when SO takes me to a casual night with his friends I will bring my laptop to go over my work while we chill. I want to be a part of SO's world but I have my goals too and if I have an exam I will not be going out.

Its ok if you can't be with your friends as much as when your single but take sometime to decide what a "good friend" is and make sure you provide that to your closest friends.

What matters is not the number of hours you spend apart or your accomplishments but that both SO and most importantly You know that having a healthy relationship with yourself is more important than being in a relationship. You have a healthy relationship by investing time/energy/$$ in yourself and taking care of those things that are important to yourself.
 
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Fine 4s said:
Taleah2009 I have no idea how to find a hobby?! Is it something that you enjoyed for years? I want to ID one but I can't :(
Click to expand...

Just try different things. Its never too late to find a hobby.

I discovered i liked board games when i was 27. Dh discovered he liked motorcycles when he was 32.
 
Fine 4s said:
Taleah2009

I have no idea how to find a hobby?! Is it something that you enjoyed for years?
I want to ID one but I can't :(
Click to expand...

Not really. I grew up watching my Grandmom see but I just picked it up in the last few years. I just one day said I want to sew lol. I have had a few hobbies. This is the only one that has stuck though lol
 
I love being by myself, so I take trips alone. Next weekend, I'm going up to NY by myself. And I have different outings scheduled with myself throughout the next few months.

I go to the movies by myself. I see plays and ballets by myself. I'll rent a hotel room (a really nice one) and go there after work to read and masturbate and talk to myself alone lol. I live with my SO now, but I did this before we moved in together, because it's just something I like to do.

Hmmmm what else do I do? Oh, yea, you know, I hang with friends sometimes on the weekends. Maybe once a month. And we take trips together. But me myself and I is what I'm all about lol.
 
I really worry about this because my hobby is salsa dancing. Will I be able to still go out twice a month or travel once every six months to attend a festival I like? Which man will agree especially if he is not a dancer? I feel the pressure to find someone who dances as well but then again don't want to overlook the other good qualities of a non-dancer.

Most of the people I know who ended up with non-dancers ended up quitting because their partners felt left out or jealous of the attractive people in the scene.
 
okange76 said:
I really worry about this because my hobby is salsa dancing. Will I be able to still go out twice a month or travel once every six months to attend a festival I like? Which man will agree especially if he is not a dancer? I feel the pressure to find someone who dances as well but then again don't want to overlook the other good qualities of a non-dancer.

Most of the people I know who ended up with non-dancers ended up quitting because their partners felt left out or jealous of the attractive people in the scene.
Click to expand...

There are non dancers that are secure enough to support your hobby. Don't let fear force you to ignore red flag of selfishness if you're meet a non dancer that is unwilling to support you in something you are already doing. Especially if he has his own thing that you're not pulling him from.

To me if he has nothing he needs to get something. I don't want or need to be anyone's everything. But that's not a red flag for everyone.

You never see men questioning their down time. If they meet their boys once a week or a month for a basketball game or poker night they schedule everything else around that. The key is setting personal priorities from the beginning. If you're always skipping class to do things with him then you can't blame him later when you have no outside life from relationship. He'll respect your time only if you do.
 
I retain my personal happiness by creating a life-relationship balance. I had to learn this over time. I would put all my energy into one area of my life and leave the others depleated. First, you need to prioritize what is important to you. For example, my relationship-life balance is as follows:

Spiritual- Church and meditation

Mental- Education and self help books

Physical- Workout and Eat Healthy

Emotional- Write in journal and stay aware and in control of your emotions

Overall happiness- Have fun and do things you enjoy (often) alone or with others

Once you put your own things into these categories then you can ensure that your happiness tank is full at all times regardless of who you are with.
 
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i train at the gym without him...i have gym partners and multiple gyms where I meet friends....

i travel without him as well (solo)...and have a lot of outside hobbies and interests...we both do
 
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