Do You Take Ownership Of Your Happiness

[CurlyMoo]

Happy in the summer, misreable in the winter. I live in the midwest. Everything dies in the winter. All the outdoor activities just stop.

Since I rarely have a man these days I can't blame them for my misery.

My solution is to move to another area where the climate fits my level of activity.

California here I come.

 

[Solila]

Op this is a great thread.
You have the power to change your own life at any given moment and time. When friends tells me that they are unhappy or depressed, my response is 'what are you going to do about it?' I give the same advice to myself, if these feeling should ever creep up. People fear change, but most of all they fear taking actions that will lead to change. We become comfortable with situations, especially those that we believe will lead to our ultimate happiness. This man will make me happy, or this job will make be happy, etc. But what happens after you've gotten it? And what happens if the perfect life you planned doesn't pan out ? What do you do? I think this is where people lose themselves.

When you can overcome that barrier, you'll find your happiness. You have to be willing to be ruthless with regard to owning your life. No one owes you anything.

 

[syze6]

Reminds me of this quote

Powerful!

 

[InBloom]

I have a friend who is stuck in an emotional roller coaster with a man who left her to marry someone else. Now when he's unhappy with his wife, he contacts my friend. My friend presents as helpless to his whims....says things like "when I finally make progress getting over him, he contacts me" and then she's wrangled back in. He maintains his marriage though.

Funny how there's clarity when you're an observer and not a participant. My friend doesn't really want advice. If I give it, she bats it away.

I'm not self actualized emotionally by any means...also a work in progress. I sure do get bored with my friend's plight and self-pity.

I find her as an example of how not to be. I love and care for her, will always be an ear....but I'm learning my own lessons.

I think being happy is a choice. Acceptance of things I have no control over is key. Make lemonade with my lemons? I try to do things that uplift my mood....then keep doing those things to sustain.

I struggle, but I know that no one should have power over me. Work in progress

 

[Evolving78]

@ChasingBliss I have found some of my most inspiration to come from music, poetry, and even musicals because they can touch you at a deeper, more emotional level.

I'm totally opposite. I can't go there. I can't stand anything that takes me there emotionally. I don't watch, listen, or entertain things that draw negative emotions. But Hidden Figures was an emotional game changer for me. I got emotional a little bit, but the movie was positive. I didn't see people being stuck in sadness and misery. Another movie I like to watch is Point Of No Return with Bridget Fonda, oh and The Underworld series. I like seeing women being bad arses! I need to see someone fight and win at the end. I don't like seeing anyone sitting there crying, dragging out every emotion in the book! Lol

I need to keep fighting. My life won't allow me to sit and cry. I believe I'm the captain of my ship. I don't wanna be a victim, and I don't wanna blame anyone for anything I'm going through. I decided to stop sitting in the mud, wondering why I'm so dirty! Sitting in that mud has held me back for 10 years. 10 years that I can never get back.

 

[Evolving78]

Happy in the summer, misreable in the winter. I live in the midwest. Everything dies in the winter. All the outdoor activities just stop.

Since I rarely have a man these days I can't blame them for my misery.

My solution is to move to another area where the climate fits my level of activity.

California here I come.

This is awesome! I'm with you! Sick of the winter.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I'm totally opposite. I can't go there. I can't stand anything that takes me there emotionally. I don't watch, listen, or entertain things that draw negative emotions. But Hidden Figures was an emotional game changer for me. I got emotional a little bit, but the movie was positive. I didn't see people being stuck in sadness and misery. Another movie I like to watch is Point Of No Return with Bridget Fonda, oh and The Underworld series. I like seeing women being bad arses! I need to see someone fight and win at the end. I don't like seeing anyone sitting there crying, dragging out every emotion in the book! Lol

I need to keep fighting. My life won't allow me to sit and cry. I believe I'm the captain of my ship. I don't wanna be a victim, and I don't wanna blame anyone for anything I'm going through. I decided to stop sitting in the mud, wondering why I'm so dirty! Sitting in that mud has held me back for 10 years. 10 years that I can never get back.

I truly think it depends on the type of music. I have specific songs that I listen to that take me right where I want to be. Much of it is old school reggae tho. While there are songs I would never listen to unless I wante to put a gun to my head. Im of course eggagerating but you get my point. I love what you said about wanting to see women fighting and win. I'm sick of the way this world treats women. We are taught to victimize ourselves and dont even realize it. I refuse to take on any mentality that teaches me that what I feel and go through is someone elses fault. You are taking away my power. And that will never happen again.

By the way some of my favorites are below: Not necessarily speaking to woman empowerment but I feel so amped when I listen to them and more...great start to my day.

Changes by Gentleman
Satisfy Yourself by Luciano
Tear the Road by Konshens
Jah is So Good by Alaine

 

[hopeful]

I'm totally opposite. I can't go there. I can't stand anything that takes me there emotionally. I don't watch, listen, or entertain things that draw negative emotions. But Hidden Figures was an emotional game changer for me. I got emotional a little bit, but the movie was positive. I didn't see people being stuck in sadness and misery. Another movie I like to watch is Point Of No Return with Bridget Fonda, oh and The Underworld series. I like seeing women being bad arses! I need to see someone fight and win at the end. I don't like seeing anyone sitting there crying, dragging out every emotion in the book! Lol

I need to keep fighting. My life won't allow me to sit and cry. I believe I'm the captain of my ship. I don't wanna be a victim, and I don't wanna blame anyone for anything I'm going through. I decided to stop sitting in the mud, wondering why I'm so dirty! Sitting in that mud has held me back for 10 years. 10 years that I can never get back.

I'm not talking about negative emotions or wallowing. I didn't go into detail but sometimes I will see a Broadway play or musical and I will think omg that is me or that's a similar situation I have been in, but I didn't even realize what was happening. A character in a musical has literally helped me wake up and take major action in my life because I felt the character's emotions, felt compassion for them, and so I finally felt my emotions or feelings that I had buried or not acknowledged, and consequently felt compassion for myself as well. Sometimes I will see how a character resolves a problem and I will follow suit because I feel inspired and encouraged, almost as though the character was speaking to me. Idk if I've explained it any better, but I've definitely gained much needed clarity where there was immense confusion. I suppose sometimes the emotions I feel could be described as negative but I see it more as emotions that have been unacknowledged or unrecognized, like a missing piece to a puzzle.

 

[Evolving78]

I'm not talking about negative emotions or wallowing. I didn't go into detail but sometimes I will see a Broadway play or musical and I will think omg that is me or that's a similar situation I have been in, but I didn't even realize what was happening. A character in a musical has literally helped me wake up and take major action in my life because I felt the character's emotions, felt compassion for them, and so I finally felt my emotions or feelings that I had buried or not acknowledged, and consequently felt compassion for myself as well. Sometimes I will see how a character resolves a problem and I will follow suit because I feel inspired and encouraged, almost as though the character was speaking to me. Idk if I've explained it any better, but I've definitely gained much needed clarity where there was immense confusion. I suppose sometimes the emotions I feel could be described as negative but I see it more as emotions that have been unacknowledged or unrecognized, like a missing piece to a puzzle.

I get what you are saying, and I'm not trying to take away anything from you, or find fault in your experiences. I used your post to explain why I'm the opposite of exposing myself to certain things. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't watch things that provoke emotions that go beyond entertainment. For example, the movie Fences. I refuse to watch that movie, even if I don't relate to the characters. I emotionally don't wanna go there. I'm sensitive. I literally have to guard my brain/thoughts. My brain won't let me walk away and leave that experience where I found it, if that makes sense?

 

[hopeful]

@shortdub78
Haha I refuse to see Fences as well. No interest in seeing it whatsoever.

 

[ommns]

That said, when it's all said and done, we have to take FULL responsibility for our lives, our happiness, and wellbeing. There is nothing like the happiness we can give ourselves.


THIS..... A Trillion times this...... This should be taught in Churches, elementary Schools, High School and daycare.

 

[ChasingBliss]

@shortdub78
Haha I refuse to see Fences as well. No interest in seeing it whatsoever.

Wow, I saw this movie having NO prior knowledge of it. It really pissed me off.

 

[hopeful]

Wow, I saw this movie having NO prior knowledge of it. It really pissed me off.

After I saw the previews with Viola saying What about me? with so much emotion and sadness, and I heard Denzel's character had a baby with someone else while married to her, I said nope, not I. No thank you.

 

[YvetteWithJoy]

I get what you are saying, and I'm not trying to take away anything from you, or find fault in your experiences. I used your post to explain why I'm the opposite of exposing myself to certain things. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't watch things that provoke emotions that go beyond entertainment. For example, the movie Fences. I refuse to watch that movie, even if I don't relate to the characters. I emotionally don't wanna go there. I'm sensitive. I literally have to guard my brain/thoughts. My brain won't let me walk away and leave that experience where I found it, if that makes sense?

This is the reason I never watched Mississippi Burning, and why I don't watch shows like Real Housewives of ____ (wherever). I also stopped watching shows like Iyanla's (well, for several reasons ).

Someone pointed out to me that when black women have won acting awards, it's often as super-duper sufferers. I reject it all: They can keep their badges of suffering. I have to guard my heart with all diligence. Happiness and joy and bliss are my rights! I have to watch what I constantly allow myself to think on!

 

[ChasingBliss]

After I saw the previews with Viola saying What about me? with so much emotion and sadness, and I heard Denzel's character had a baby with someone else while married to her, I said nope, not I. No thank you.

I watched those previews too (didnt see the baby part tho)...but somehow I thought this couple would prevail . The ending was so...ugh!

 

[hopeful]

I watched those previews too (didnt see the baby part tho)...but somehow I thought this couple would prevail . The ending was so...ugh!

I don't even know how it ends and I don't want to know.

 

[Evolving78]

This is the reason I never watched Mississippi Burning, and why I don't watch shows like Real Housewives of ____ (wherever). I also stopped watching shows like Iyanla's (well, for several reasons ).

Someone pointed out to me that when black women have won acting awards, it's often as super-duper sufferers. I reject it all: They can keep their badges of suffering. I have to guard my heart with all diligence. Happiness and joy and bliss are my rights! I have to watch what I constantly allow myself to think on!

Me too!

 

[Maracujá]

Thought about this topic all day at work today. It reminded me of a question once posed on the BMWK website: did your mother teach you how to be happy? The answer for me is no. But I am working hard to rewire my thinking patterns.

 

[mrselle]

Thought about this topic all day at work today. It reminded me of a question once posed on the BMWK website: did your mother teach you how to be happy? The answer for me is no. But I am working hard to rewire my thinking patterns.

The answer is the same for me too. My mother used to accuse me of feeling sorry for myself and it wasn't until I reached my late 20s/early 30s that I realized that a lot of my ways came from me observing her. Her mood set the tone for the entire household. She didn't seem like a happy person. If she and my dad were fighting she would spend the day in her room crying. If she was mad she wouldn't speak. There was a lot of passive aggressive behavior like slamming doors or taking out a suitcase and pretending to pack up her things and leave. I learned how to deal with my emotions from her. I didn't know what self care was because I had never seen her do it.

I had my first serious relationship my first two years of college. I let that relationship take control of my life. When things were good I went to class, took care of my appearance, hung out on campus more and planned my future. When things were bad I would skip all my classes, lay in bed all day and cry. I wouldn't eat, get dressed or leave my room. I look back at that time in my life and I am embarassed and ashamed. I could have graduated from college with honors, but I let a relationship control my happiness and I wanted that relationship more than I wanted to do well in school and my career. If I couldn't have that relationship then everything else seemed pointless. It took years for me to learn to be at peace no matter what my circumstances were. I don't know what I did to get there other than pray. I prayed a lot, my way of thinking changed and I matured. I learned to live life without being in a relationship. I learned to enjoy the peace in being single and the freedom to do the things I wanted to do.

A dear friend of mine has been "that girl" since she was 20 years old. When she found out her fiance was cheating on her, she didn't hesitate to give back the ring. She didn't let him play with her emotions or manipulate his way back in to her life. She didn't let herself go or her grades go. She got up everyday, put together a cute outfit, did her hair and makeup and continued on with her life. I admire women who have that fight in them.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Thought about this topic all day at work today. It reminded me of a question once posed on the BMWK website: did your mother teach you how to be happy? The answer for me is no. But I am working hard to rewire my thinking patterns.

I wasn't taught either. we actually never spoke about love for self or each other in my household. Sad, I know.

Lots of prayers, meditation and putting my needs first helped with creating the happiness inside. Oh yes and as mentioned above as much as I can control I stay away from anything/situations that do not serve me well.

 

[hopeful]

This thread is really wonderful. Everything we need to be happy is within us.

 

[brownb83]

Putting your happiness in the hands of anyone but your self is dangerous. The issue I had to come to terms with is that I have tom be ok with me, fall in love with me, do what is necessary for me, stop putting myself last for me. This year I am consumed with falling in love with me whatever that means that day, week and moment. Most importantly, when I feel emotions that are incompatible with self love they are evaluated immediately.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Putting your happiness in the hands of anyone but your self is dangerous. The issue I had to come to terms with is that I have tom be ok with me, fall in love with me, do what is necessary for me, stop putting myself last for me. This year I am consumed with falling in love with me whatever that means that day, week and moment. Most importantly, when I feel emotions that are incompatible with self love they are evaluated immediately.

ALL of this..Especially the bolded.

 

[JFemme]

Putting your happiness in the hands of anyone but your self is dangerous. The issue I had to come to terms with is that I have tom be ok with me, fall in love with me, do what is necessary for me, stop putting myself last for me. This year I am consumed with falling in love with me whatever that means that day, week and moment. Most importantly, when I feel emotions that are incompatible with self love they are evaluated immediately.

All of this, and of late the bolded statement

 

[Evolving78]

Thought about this topic all day at work today. It reminded me of a question once posed on the BMWK website: did your mother teach you how to be happy? The answer for me is no. But I am working hard to rewire my thinking patterns.

I don't understand how to answer this question for myself. She taught me how not to hold grudges, how to let things go, and how to make peace with a situation by praying. She taught me about forgiveness. But what she didn't tell me was how to stand up for myself and fight. How to not compromise my values and beliefs. She was so focused on letting go of things, that when certain traumatic things that happened, she didn't teach me how to real deal with it, or work through it. Stuff happened to me, and I was suppose to just move on from it.

 

[PrissiSippi]

My last break up I used to call the dude and say I can't get out of bed since you left. Don't you see how bad you're hurting me. Do you care? I used to stare at his pics and hope he would change. He would change and I'd be so happy but then one week later he was back to his old self. I would be depressed.

I saw this on google and saved it:

Stop being a victim.
Leave the situation.
Change the situation.
Or accept it.

I curved this quote and didn't really apply it to lately. But lately I'm slowly getting it. No matter what happens at work or what DH does it WILL be a good day. He's not in control of my emotions. I have to literally think if this happens today it will be a good day. It's usually something small like if I go walking today, have a good breakfast, cuddle with the baby, and have a good nap today...it's a good day. It's all based on stuff I can do for myself. Not stuff you can do for me.

This is a long process for me. Because I will sit and just MAKE myself into the victim to pity myself. But now I'm trying to get into the mindset of EXPECTING to win. And this means choosing happiness over f girls and boys and friendships/relationships.

I still forget this from time to time. It's hard for me to think of what would make me happy today. I think I would be happy today if I took a short walk with the baby (maybe around the mall since it's probably going to rain) followed by some Starbucks that I haven't had in awhile.

 

[Fine 4s]

Good post. I have to go and read all of the posts.

I struggle with this because I'm an extrovert most of the time and draw a lot of my happiness and energy from others. This is dangerous because I also absorb/attract the ugly. Or, I give it too much attention. A negative exchanged occurred between me and a customer yesterday and it made me sad alllll night and woke up with it on my mind. I carry hurt inside for a very long time and I'm super sensitive. I'm actually trying to push myself to be more harsh and even brutal to train myself to stop being such a people protector and pleaser. But it's like if I don't get approval externally, something's off. I want constant harmony with others and it's just not realistic.

So to answer your question OP, I'd be lying if I said it's all me, all day. When I'm doing well with a guy, man I'm on cloud 9 and when we're low, all my insecurities come pouring out even when ish ain't had nothing to do with HIS action. I'm happiest when I'm around people that I feel safe with, that I know love me and there's no beef....and add some dogs and I'm just in heaven. I would enjoy having a life partner to do darn there anything and everything with and I'm not sure it's healthy but I'm so happy when I have it. Like, I want those times of space to only be because I NEED it or else I'm going to hit you. I wish my mom was still alive because then I can be clingy and needy with her and well, she'd forever love me. That woman loved me to death! Sometimes I think if she were alive, I'd probably be too sheltered. Her death forced me to grow up because I was alone and NOBODY could ever love me like that woman could. I have moments of happiness alone though, when I come home, plop in the bed, watch TV and eat good food. It just feels soooo good. Wait, food makes me REALLY happy. But too much of it makes me gain weight. How am I suppose to manage that?! ugh.

I'm a walking talking contradiction because while I do activities that to some displays self love, it's just an action to me, it's just me getting my nails done, it's just me working out, it's just me working towards a goal. It doesn't quite translate into self love or happiness to me. I know I'm not there yet and I have no idea how to TRULY get there. Maybe I'll just stumble upon it as I do with most things in my life lol or one day I'll wake up and happiness will just be there.

Hope I didn't go too off topic. Please don't quote, I revealed too much lol

 

[hopeful]

Thanks for sharing @Fine 4s. I used to be a true introvert and never understood extroverts. But my personality is actually becoming more extroverted which I am really enjoying.

I don't think you need to be more harsh with yourself. I think you need to be more patient and loving, give yourself that unconditional love you are craving. Other than our mommies I think we are the only ones who can love us that way.

 

[SpiritJunkie]

Great post! I am a work in progress and on this path myself.

Many men are abusers (cheaters, liars, manipulators, hitters/pushers/yellers etc.). And many women are victims (dependent, co-dependent, weak, don't stand up for themselves, put themselves last, in a fog, unable or unwilling to take full responsibility for their lives, need a man to be happy etc.). And I do believe a part of the issue is societal bra
in washing.

That said, when it's all said and done, we have to take FULL responsibility for our lives, our happiness, and wellbeing. There is nothing like the happiness we can give ourselves.

Society and families train women to put their needs aside for others, to sacrifice themselves. I think it all starts there. Once a woman sees this brainwashing, sees how unfair, cruel, and sexist it is, with effort she can retrain herself, break free, and move toward a happier life.

I love this post. A few weekends ago I had this big epiphany about myself and creating my happiness & being a better communicator. It was a real eye opener. I agree with the conditioning that you mentioned. I'm really trying not to make the guy I'm dating my world...just part of it. I had to step back and reevaluate what i was doing and take some alone time and reflect.

So yes, I am taking ownership of my happiness.

 

[hopeful]

I love this post. A few weekends ago I had this big epiphany about myself and creating my happiness & being a better communicator. It was a real eye opener. I agree with the conditioning that you mentioned. I'm really trying not to make the guy I'm dating my world...just part of it. I had to step back and reevaluate what i was doing and take some alone time and reflect.

So yes, I am taking ownership of my happiness.

It's strange how easy it is to be sooo excited about a man, so eager to please, etc. We don't realize that this is putting the man on a pedestal. A man on a pedestal is looking down on us and we are looking up to him. The minute that happens we are in trouble. And women are encouraged to please men at our expense all of the time. We are put on a pedestal by society for putting men on one, for serving them, being overly devoted and forgiving, and sacrificial. The thing is our pedestal isn't sturdy or satisfying or real.

I'm glad you are reevaluating things. You really do have to step back and take time to think about what you're doing and what's going on. And be prepared for backlash. Society is good at making us feel badly for being independent, strong, happy on our own, pleased with ourselves, prioritizing ourselves, etc.