How do you keep the passion in a marriage?
- Thread starter zzirvingj
- Start date
I would think every relationship would be different.
For us, it's him giving me a backrub several times a week. I don't know what it is but a backrub does things to you. A back rub got him into my pants the first time.
It's him doing all the things he does to make life easier for me and the kids. That's a turn on for me.
We have date night at home when we get together to watch movies or our favorite tv shows.
It's him waking me up in the middle of the night to go check something out outside or the walk around in the yard.
It's him finding a special spot for us while camping that we can sneak off from the kids and hope they won't find us.
For him he'll say it's affection. With us, being intimate is an all day thing. It starts when we get up with kissing to intimate phone conversations throughout the day to playing footsie under the table at diner that may or maynot lead to something else.
I think above all those thing is the fact that we both know we only have each other to depend on. We have proven to each other over the years that we will always have the other ones back and that when everyone else has let us down we have proven we can always depend on each other.
For us, it's him giving me a backrub several times a week. I don't know what it is but a backrub does things to you. A back rub got him into my pants the first time.
It's him doing all the things he does to make life easier for me and the kids. That's a turn on for me.
We have date night at home when we get together to watch movies or our favorite tv shows.
It's him waking me up in the middle of the night to go check something out outside or the walk around in the yard.
It's him finding a special spot for us while camping that we can sneak off from the kids and hope they won't find us.
For him he'll say it's affection. With us, being intimate is an all day thing. It starts when we get up with kissing to intimate phone conversations throughout the day to playing footsie under the table at diner that may or maynot lead to something else.
I think above all those thing is the fact that we both know we only have each other to depend on. We have proven to each other over the years that we will always have the other ones back and that when everyone else has let us down we have proven we can always depend on each other.
zzirvingj
New Member
dlewis, this was a pleasure to read
I'm not married or in a relationship at the moment but a friend and I were having a conversation about this subject the other day. After that conversation a read this blog posting and it sounds like you and your DH are right on spot with keeping the passion going in your relationship--that's refreshing to hear 
http://romanceuniversity.org/2010/0...to-keep-passion-alive-in-a-busy-married-life/
I like the article.
I'm hoping in 10 years I can write something better.
I do believe there are degrees of passion. We don't have the type of passion we had when we first got together and I prefer what we have now to what we had then. I'm hoping it only gets greater with time.
I'm hoping in 10 years I can write something better.
I do believe there are degrees of passion. We don't have the type of passion we had when we first got together and I prefer what we have now to what we had then. I'm hoping it only gets greater with time.
Cosign with Dlewis so I won't repeat that (I will say just reverse the him and her because I am like Dlewis' DH and she is like mine)
Oh I have an extremely high libido possibly equivalent to a teen-aged boy so that keeps things interesting:look;
I know. I see so much of myself in your post when you talk about your DH. I feel bad for him.
kbragg
Well-Known Member
I know. I see so much of myself in your post when you talk about your DH. I feel bad for him.
Boooooooooo!
You suck LOL!! I'm a good wife dang itI feel sorry for Mr. Lewis
See? Howz it feel?
Oh I have an extremely high libido possibly equivalent to a teen-aged boy so that keeps things interesting:look;
^^^ You also developed some lovely lady lumps and ya got knocked up again. LOL
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Boooooooooo!
I feel sorry for Mr. Lewis
Oh my, she done cut half my face off.I didn't mean it in a bad way. Its just that when you know that you're giving what you feel is needed and the other person expects more or something else and you don't know where to begin. It like me and your Dh says "I'm doing good
" and you and my Dh (the evil ones 
) come along and say "naw dude you aint done crap 
".
kbragg
Well-Known Member
kbragg
Well-Known Member
I didn't mean it in a bad way. Its just that when you know that you're giving what you feel is needed and the other person expects more or something else and you don't know where to begin. It like me and your Dh says "I'm doing good
That's the hardest part of it IMO. It's funny because when we argue we are essentially saying the SAME thing just in a different language. I mean I'll be like "Excellent face painting session...check! Hot meal.....check! Bought a new gadget and gave a massage....check! Ok I'm
I got at least 3 weeks of points racked up!"Then DH comes at me with some stuff about I'm disrespecting him, don't appreciate him, don't sympathize with him and it's like "WTF are you talking about dooood!?!?!
" And he'll say something about me interrupting or over-talking him (it's just how I talk...I do think it's partially cultural because I do notice a difference between how black and white people converse) or how I started talking to him as soon as he got home, or how I'm all kissie kissie when he's tryna get something accomplished etc." and I feel like "Damn, have I done ANYthing right? Does what I do mean nothing???"BUT what's funny is we BOTH end up saying the same thing: All that stuff is nice and I appreciate it but this is what I NEED. And it's so hard because the thing the other person really NEEDS is the thing you suck at
We're getting better thoughHad to stop there
I will not hold a conversation with someone overtalking me. I'll just stop talking. Many of the conversations with my mother end up like that. And with this one friend of mine.
K, I'm not siding with your husband BUT that can be seen as rude and disrespectful. I tired to type this in the nicest way as to not offend
.I can not tell you how much I hate that. Absolutely hate it.
That's the hardest part of it IMO. It's funny because when we argue we are essentially saying the SAME thing just in a different language. I mean I'll be like "Excellent face painting session...check! Hot meal.....check! Bought a new gadget and gave a massage....check! Ok I'm
Then DH comes at me with some stuff about I'm disrespecting him, don't appreciate him, don't sympathize with him and it's like "WTF are you talking about dooood!?!?!
BUT what's funny is we BOTH end up saying the same thing: All that stuff is nice and I appreciate it but this is what I NEED. And it's so hard because the thing the other person really NEEDS is the thing you suck at
Yep, I agree with that. My husband is very open and is good at telling me He need this and that. Sometimes I know when it's coming and I'm thinking "Lawd please, lets not talk about feelings again
erplexed". I listen when I can, sometimes I just don't have it in me. And I'm a loner too so sometimes I just want to be left alone for long periods of time. So, I'll say that "Is this something you NEED to talk about right now? Because, I can tell you now, if we talk about this I will end up pissed off, so pleassssse stop".
kbragg
Well-Known Member
Had to stop there
I will not hold a conversation with someone overtalking me. I'll just stop talking. Many of the conversations with my mother end up like that. And with this one friend of mine.
K, I'm not siding with your husband BUT that can be seen as rude and disrespectful. I tired to type this in the nicest way as to not offend
I can not tell you how much I hate that. Absolutely hate it.
Ok Josh quit playing! How did you hack Dlewis account????The bolded OMGOSH!!!!! That makes me see RED quicker than ANYTHING! For him to just stop talking and ignore me??? I just feel like dang, I gave my life to you, pop these kids out, wash your drawls, make your life as comfortable as possible and you can't even acknowledge me as a human being???
Then I cry
I'm highly emotional and it's like it doesn't register because he's so logical almost to the absence of emotion. It really does make you feel like ish like here you love and need this person and they can pretty much take or leave you even though you know in your heart they'd be miserable without you.....I think you need to see it more from his POV. He loves you and he's still there. I stopped dating a guy because he did that. He waited until after he asked me to be his girlfriend to start overtalking me. I broke up with him and told him he talk to much. At that time I couldn't figure out what it was about the conversations I had with him but I now know he talked to much and he overtalked me whereas I couldn't express my thoughts. We would have gotten off the phone and I'll be thinking I really wanted to say this and that but we would end up on another subject. My mother does the exact same thing. So does all her brothers and her sister and my grandparents.
Thankfully my husband waits until I finish and he'll even ask sometimes "are you done?"
The bolded OMGOSH!!!!! That makes me see RED quicker than ANYTHING! For him to just stop talking and ignore me??? I just feel like dang, I gave my life to you, pop these kids out, wash your drawls, make your life as comfortable as possible and you can't even acknowledge me as a human being???
Then I cry
I'm like that alot too.
I don't think that's always good. My mother and husband tell me I turn my emotions on and off like a light switch.
kbragg
Well-Known Member
Yep, I agree with that. My husband is very open and is good at telling me He need this and that. Sometimes I know when it's coming and I'm thinking "Lawd please, lets not talk about feelings again
Ok Josh that's enough, give Dlewis back her account!!
Ok my turn to side with your DH When someone tells you what they need it's a BIG risk for them to pour out their heart and make themselves vulnerable to you like that and for someone to just disregard them like their nothing and nobody is a feeling worse than death To love someone with all your heart and soul and want nothing more than to make them happy and all you ask is for a little love and attention....to have that blown off is like whoa. And when I tell DH this he just thinks I think he's the debil and that's not the case. It's like I want you to want and desire me the way I do you. And both sides end up feeling like "How could you think of me like that? You don't know me at all!" What I think is lacking is a willingness to see another persons needs and feelings as equally valid as your own even if it's a need you don't have. I don't want anything from DH but for him to be sweet and nice to me and treat me like his boo. He knows I'm easy. He knows I melt with the smallest amount of affection. For him it's not as big a deal if we don't snuggle on the couch or kiss or flirt or grab each others....
But that stuff is a big deal to me. I don't understand the big deal about closing cabinet doors or not leaving clothes in the washer over night, or not eating his cereal and candy(I mean I replace it so what's the big deal?) or not jumping in mid sentence because it doesn't offend or bother me if someone does it to me. I don't see it as disrespect.But we've been making good progress because we're starting to realize hey if something I do breaks my boo's heart then maybe I need to change my feelings about it for their sake because the last thing I want is to hurt them. He doesn't understand why I have such strong feelings about certain things and I don't understand him in that same way BUT we are making BIG strides towards validating each other.
Dlewis I bet your DH is easy like me. He doesn't want you to "solve" the problem, he just wants you to listen, give him a hug and kiss, and reassure him that he's the only man for you. We're THAT easy
kbragg
Well-Known Member
I stopped dating a guy because he did that. He waited until after he asked me to be his girlfriend to start overtalking me. I broke up with him and told him he talk to much. At that time I couldn't figure out what it was about the conversations I had with him but I now know he talked to much and he overtalked me whereas I couldn't express my thoughts. We would have gotten off the phone and I'll be thinking I really wanted to say this and that but we would end up on another subject. My mother does the exact same thing. So does all her brothers and her sister and my grandparents.
Thankfully my husband waits until I finish and he'll even ask sometimes "are you done?"
Waiting is sooooo hard cuz ya'll are a little boring and long winded
Very monotone, low volume, nighty night I've gotten a lot better because I will be biting my lip, grinding my teeth like "OH MY GOSH MAKE YOUR POINT YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!" I stopped saying that outloud though We were 21 and 22 when we got married so VERY immature.I think it's because I'm so animated and expressive when I talk sometimes I get caught up in my own fun
People tell me all the time it's a lot of fun talking to me even though I go off topic and make them forget what they were going to say It's how we suck ya'll inI am faithfully doing heavy squats and lunges. I am determined to have some lady lumps by my 39th birthday in Dec.Dang those heavy squats!
Yep my husband is just that easy. He tells me all the time "I work for you. I don't need all this, I only need you. I want you to be proud of me." (notice he doesn't say the kids) And Ill say "thank the good Lord you found me". I am trying to learn to reword my thoughts.
My husband favorite words are "I know you're like that but I need..." I try very hard to give him what he say he needs. I don't need much, just to show me you love me by providing for me and my kids, be a good father to my kids and be what I consider a good husband. and don't talk so much but I know that'll never change.
I do believe even in marriage you have to have your own. I buy things (foods) just for me that I don't want to share. Yea, food is one of my favorite enjoyments in life. I also buy everyone elses favorites that's just for them. If I buy something and hide it and you find it you better eat it. It's not right to do someone like that. This happened over the weekend. Dh ate my icecream.
Also when someone tells you they find this and that rude...well it's rude to continue to do it. I hate it when Dh eats off my plate or uses my towel. I do't care that we swap spit and other body fluid on a regular basis, I find it nasty AND rude for him to do that after I've told him it gives me nightmares.
My husband favorite words are "I know you're like that but I need..." I try very hard to give him what he say he needs. I don't need much, just to show me you love me by providing for me and my kids, be a good father to my kids and be what I consider a good husband. and don't talk so much but I know that'll never change.
I do believe even in marriage you have to have your own. I buy things (foods) just for me that I don't want to share. Yea, food is one of my favorite enjoyments in life. I also buy everyone elses favorites that's just for them. If I buy something and hide it and you find it you better eat it. It's not right to do someone like that. This happened over the weekend. Dh ate my icecream.
Also when someone tells you they find this and that rude...well it's rude to continue to do it. I hate it when Dh eats off my plate or uses my towel. I do't care that we swap spit and other body fluid on a regular basis, I find it nasty AND rude for him to do that after I've told him it gives me nightmares.
kbragg
Well-Known Member
I'm like that alot too.
Yeah ya'll are tough like that. It's a great trait when it comes to work. I mean people like you and my DH and the LEAST likely to get fired at a job for blowing up and cussing people out. If ya'll get to that point it's pretty dang bad
I think that's why ya'll are able to stay at the same job for years and years even if you hate it. Me? I stay in trouble for rolling my eyes and I have a short fuze. See that's why I work online. I can vent to ya'll before I go cuss out my boss or coworkers Doesn't work face to faceIn relationships it's not so good, at least not a marriage because it creates a wall, an isolation and that pain penetrates deep. It's like you never know where you stand because one moment it's all smiles and laughs and then next DEAD SILENCE and isolation. An ya'll don't readily tell what's wrong. It's like tell me what I did so I won't do it again but ya'll want us to figure it out and teach us a lesson. I think because since you all really think out what you do and say you take stuff personal because it doesn't make sense that someone could say something without hashing it out internally first. But 99% of the time we offend it was the last thing we wanted to do.
The last argument DH and I had he said "I'm sick of you telling me what I think and how I feel!" Because I'll say something like "You don't care about my feelings at all!" But like i told him, well if you never TELL ME what you think and how you feel how am I supposed to know? All I can go by is your actions and each person judges the actions of someone else based on their priority of them. Someone who highly values education is likely to think more of someone who donates scholarships to under privileged kids. Someone else is apt to think "Well that's a nice gesture but those kids are starving. The person that donates food and clothing, THAT is a great person."
DH has gotten better about it though. Now he will eventually tell me how he thinks and feels after huffing and puffing like I already know or should know. But when he sees my reaction and how I respond to what he says it's like
happens and he realizes my intention was never malice and it was an honest mistake. I think he has a "What's the point?" attitude like he prejudges me and assumes what he says won't make a difference and he's always surprised when it does. I don't get that at all, but hey progress is progress.
kbragg
Well-Known Member
Waiting is sooooo hard cuz ya'll are a little boring and long winded
I think it's because I'm so animated and expressive when I talk sometimes I get caught up in my own fun
That's my DH.He can have fun just talking to himself. We were coming back to town from a game and he talked the whole way home (like hours). The kids fell asleep and I pretended to fall asleep...DUDE STILL KEPT TALKING! I AM SO SERIOUS, I feel like I can't hear myself think. My brother is a big talker too.
My husband tells the best stories, he very dramatic and animated. Really alot of fun to be around when I want to be around people. He been talking about retiring to South America, spending half the year there, so I'll just be the two of us
erplexed. I don't know he comes up with this mess.erplexed I might as well shoot myself in the head now.
kbragg
Well-Known Member
Yep my husband is just that easy. He tells me all the time "I work for you. I don't need all this, I only need you. I want you to be proud of me." (notice he doesn't say the kids) And Ill say "thank the good Lord you found me". I am trying to learn to reword my thoughts.
My husband favorite words are "I know you're like that but I need..." I try very hard to give him what he say he needs. I don't need much, just to show me you love me by providing for me and my kids, be a good father to my kids and be what I consider a good husband. and don't talk so much but I know that'll never change.
I do believe even in marriage you have to have your own. I buy things (foods) just for me that I don't want to share. Yea, food is one of my favorite enjoyments in life. I also buy everyone elses favorites that's just for them. If I buy something and hide it and you find it you better eat it. It's not right to do someone like that. This happened over the weekend. Dh ate my icecream.
Also when someone tells you they find this and that rude...well it's rude to continue to do it. I hate it when Dh eats off my plate or uses my towel. I do't care that we swap spit and other body fluid on a regular basis, I find it nasty AND rude for him to do that after I've told him it gives me nightmares.
That's a tough one ESPECIALLY when you don't think it's a big deal. Funny thing is ya'll both do it. He's probably told you he hates when you go silent on him but you probably still do it. NOT because you are intentionally trying to hurt him by doing it because you know it will, but because it's your default.
We're such creatures of habit us humans. I'm really starting to understand that more and more. The biggest lesson we have to learn is acceptance I think. I don't interrupt DH because I know it will piss him off and I WANT to disrespect him. It's just how talk. It's how I've always talked, and I've been talking a LOT longer than I've been married so it's going to take some time to change that habit.
In that same way I've come to understand that DH doesn't go silent because he KNOWS it will push my buttons. He does it because that's how he responds to stress. It's how he's wired, how he's always been.
In my house growing up nobody really had their own stuff. Everything was community food. I'd take a bite off my brother's plate or finish off his food, me and my sis would swap different food stuff, mom always took bites of our food (I still do this with my kids...even jar baby food!
) so when DH gets upset about me eating up his cereal it's like "dang, why you so stingy??"In his house no talking at the dinner table (meals at his family's house are so odd to me because of that). In my house it was where we reconnected, discussed our day, etc.
I spend a lot of time in prayer and that helps a LOT because without Jesus this marriage would have BEEN over
PS: I'm learning a lot from you about my DH. See if he would tell me this stuff it would be soooo much easier.
I bet he'd probably look at my posts and be like "Wow she makes a lot of sense without all the animation and emotion being intertwined in it all
kbragg
Well-Known Member
I only pulled a knife once....but I was cooking I wasn't gonna shank him
DH says my strong emotions scare him sometimes. Seriously one time we argued and it was a bad one. I decided to make amends so I went to the store (it was like 1am) and got the stuff to make sweet tea cuz I know he likes it. I stayed up made the tea and then went to bed. The next morning I was sooooo offended because he didn't take any tea. I was like "OK why didn't you take any tea, I made it to make amends.' And he was like "Well, I didn't know for sure what you put in it" Homie thought I was tryna poison him Naw son I ain't fitinta kill you
I'm sticking around and you gonna get right cuz ain't no way I'm doing single mom of four
kbragg
Well-Known Member
He can have fun just talking to himself. We were coming back to town from a game and he talked the whole way home (like hours). The kids fell asleep and I pretended to fall asleep...DUDE STILL KEPT TALKING! I AM SO SERIOUS, I feel like I can't hear myself think. My brother is a big talker too.
My husband tells the best stories, he very dramatic and animated. Really alot of fun to be around when I want to be around people. He been talking about retiring to South America, spending half the year there, so I'll just be the two of us
Awwww...I thought it was Romantic. I would love to spend half the year in paradise with my boo
I only pulled a knife once....but I was cooking I wasn't gonna shank him
Naw son I ain't fitinta kill you
I do have moments of being very emotional. It's normally when someone has hurt my feelings or when a series of events have happend and I'm just in a certain frame of mind.
3 weeks ago today I had planned to move my camper to the new house. I DIDN'T want any help. I was charging the battery but it wouldn't stay charged and I needed that to let the slide in on the camper. I called DH and explained what was going on and he told me what I needed to do. Then he called back and said he would meet me at the old house he had something in mind he thought would work. When he explained it to me it didn't make sense and I asked him to explain it again. He raised his voice at me and told me to just meet him at the house. I started to cry on the phone in front of my daughter.
So I went in the house and got in the bed. I wasn't sure what he needed me to do. He called from the other house and told me to come on. When I got there he said "he wasn't yelling at you, I know you think I was I was just talking loud because they were cutting grass and the tractor was right there."
My kids were MAD at him. My son came around the trailer and said "Did Dad apologize to you? Dad was really just talking loud because of the tractor but I told him he better apoloize to you. I knew you do get upset."
I accepted his apology but emotional I shut comepletely down for days. There was nothing he could do for me or to me to make it any better. I go off in my own little world.
Thankfully we both understand that due to my background this is just how I cope with people hurting me. By that Sat night I was more open to receiving his new honest apology and willing to talk about it and talk to him.
I don't get that upset often. I have gone months, I'm talking about more than a year, being upset with him.
I don't believe in intentionally doing things to hurt people. If I feel in any way that you are intentional trying to hurt me ..... I would rather not have you in my life.
Awwww...I thought it was Romantic. I would love to spend half the year in paradise with my boo
perplexed Alone in a country with people you don't know? Only the two on you?
kbragg
Well-Known Member
Yes girl oooh it would be exciting!
Funny you mention this because Dh mentioned this SAME thing but it was for a full year and in Europe
Now years ago he'd balk at such a thing. I'm rubbing off on him Now I wouldn't really want Europe cuz they're kind of just Americans with accents to me....like Canadians but I would loooooove to go somewhere in the islands or South America I've almost got him converted to wild and spontaneous sideSimilar threads
