How do I stop being so ANGRY towards him?

[foxxymami]

I don't too much like to put my biz out there but I'd like to know if any women out there have overcome this. I am sooo angry towards him. At first I didn't see it but now I realize that I get angry with him far too often and far too quickly.

It's so easy to notice your significant other's flaws and point them out, but it takes 2x longer to see your own. This is what I'm enduring right now.......looking at my reflection in the mirror. I can't honestly say that I don't play a part in the escalation of petty arguments that ensue. I used to point every finger on my hands at him, but in order to make this relationship better I have to work on the part I play

We're not perfect people nor do we have a perfect relationship. But, we love each other and are very patient in overcoming these issues because we want to start a life together. I'm looking to the other side of this dilemma.......where I won't be so quick to react in anger. I know I can do it, I just don't know how.

So what are the keys??

Is it the "choose your battles" line?
Is it that I have to learn to communicate my wants, needs, expectations without the anger in my voice?
Is it the "it's really not that serious" line?

If you need examples of my quick anger.......I will supply.

....................But, I'll be embarassed :blush3:

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Don't be embarrassed, especially if it will ultimately help your relationship. I'm rooting for ya'll! We're gonna figure this one out.

 

[FemmeCreole]

at least you're doing the right thing already.... you're recognizing there is a problem ... this is the first step. You might need to exercise some patience..... think about why he does whatever it is that makes you flare up. Talk to him about it..... don't keep your frustrations bottled up inside. Sometimes we feel that men should know what's going on with us but they really don't. We have to spell it out.

Talk to him and try to work it out. Seek a 3rd party for the both of you to talk to TOGETHER

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I think you need to first get down to the root of why you are so angry Foxxi

 

[foxxymami]

Don't be embarrassed, especially if it will ultimately help your relationship. I'm rooting for ya'll! We're gonna figure this one out.

Thanks girl. I'm surprised I didn't erase my post out of embarrassment. You know how I can be

 

[foxxymami]

at least you're doing the right thing already.... you're recognizing there is a problem ... this is the first step. You might need to exercise some patience..... think about why he does whatever it is that makes you flare up. Talk to him about it..... don't keep your frustrations bottled up inside. Sometimes we feel that men should know what's going on with us but they really don't. We have to spell it out.

Talk to him and try to work it out. Seek a 3rd party for the both of you to talk to TOGETHER

That's good advice. Thanks Val

 

[foxxymami]

I think you need to first get down to the root of why you are so angry Foxxi

Yes you are so right. I don't know if it's going into protection mode or if it's some underlying resentment from someplace or if it's being selfish or if I'm just loco

 

[Vanity1]

Yes you are so right. I don't know if it's going into protection mode or if it's some underlying resentment from someplace or if it's being selfish or if I'm just loco

I am gonna spank you, missy! I need that spankin smilie.
I was angry before marriage, and am still angry, I am just an angry black woman, but I lubs me some him.

 

[foxxymami]

I am gonna spank you, missy! I need that spankin smilie.
I was angry before marriage, and am still angry, I am just an angry black woman, but I lubs me some him.

You're a nut, girl!

But, that's so sweet!


We've talked about it a few days ago and I'm beginning to suspect that I havent mastered the art of letting him have it without getting all upset and angry in the process. Like for instance, if i don't like something or he does something to piss me off, instead of giving it to him straight, no chasers, I get all angry and emotional with it.

:scratchch

 

[Vanity1]

You're a nut, girl!

But, that's so sweet!


We've talked about it a few days ago and I'm beginning to suspect that I havent mastered the art of letting him have it without getting all upset and angry in the process. Like for instance, if i don't like something or he does something to piss me off, instead of giving it to him straight, no chasers, I get all angry and emotional with it.

:scratchch

Yeah, but if he is a big baby, and doesn't like to get it no matter how nice it is, that may be what helps lead up to frustration? j/k....

DH and I had to learn how to humble ourselves together. Cause we were, and still can be, like cats and dogs. I think we both have a similar personality, although, he can be a little nicer than I. I had to learn how to work on my execution of certain matters and it took a minute to register because he was so accustomed to me just lighting up, I don't think he realized when I was actually being calm and collect.

I laugh about it now, but a time ago. I just didn't know sometimes. I just had to learn how to grow up myself and realize that any man willing to deal with me is a good one.

But, hayle, I can say that about my dealing with DH. Chile let me hush.

Ya'll can work it out....

 

[foxxymami]

Yeah, but if he is a big baby, and doesn't like to get it no matter how nice it is, that may be what helps lead up to frustration? j/k....

DH and I had to learn how to humble ourselves together. Cause we were, and still can be, like cats and dogs. I think we both have a similar personality, although, he can be a little nicer than I. I had to learn how to work on my execution of certain matters and it took a minute to register because he was so accustomed to me just lighting up, I don't think he realized when I was actually being calm and collect.

I laugh about it now, but a time ago. I just didn't know sometimes. I just had to learn how to grow up myself and realize that any man willing to deal with me is a good one.

But, hayle, I can say that about my dealing with DH. Chile let me hush.

Ya'll can work it out....

Thanks Vanity , that really helped

 

[blkbeauty]

I understand where you are coming from and being in that point at one time or another in my life. I had to stop and ask myself, what is meaningful to my life and how do I attain those things?

Think of life in this order…what ever you dish out comes right back to you in return. These are the things that can make life filled with happiness or take away from your spirit and make you miserable. The way you treat others is a reflection on the imperfections you feel within. The negative energy that you waste or being critcal to your SO is being bounce back your way either in an emotional, mental or physical mean.

Learn to pick your battles. Try not to focus on small details. When you feel that you are getting annoyed with him, take a second to be alone and say to yourself HE IS ONLY HUMAN. If he did something that is problematic make time, only after you have “cooled off” and then discuss it with him.

Goodluck

 

[CherishMeNaturally]

It has been 4 looong years with my SO and girl, I'm just now learning to not be so angry. I would be so angry around him that I would just tense up...ready to fight, yell, accuse, anything really just to get him as angry with me as I was with him.

When I think about it later I would say I was so childish, why was I acting like that?

I had to ask myself that for real, why was I angry...that man didn't do anything to me, didn't say anything, barely looked at me...I'm mad as soon as I get in a room with him!

We had a long distance relationship for a long while and even through everything I realized why I was so angry with him, it wasn't about him. I was so afraid to let go and love him because I felt like that was going against everything I wanted for myself, which was NOT a relationship.
And even though I might not have wanted that when I was younger, I learned it's really not that bad to love him and it is enjoyable.

I would just wonder why am I so angry and once you understand that internally, you are going to be able to accomplish so much more...and YES talk to that man, because that made many of my days go from being almost angry to being completely happy!

Patience is a virture for real for real...

 

[foxxymami]

I understand where you are coming from and being in that point at one time or another in my life. I had to stop and ask myself, what is meaningful to my life and how do I attain those things?

Think of life in this order…what ever you dish out comes right back to you in return. These are the things that can make life filled with happiness or take away from your spirit and make you miserable. The way you treat others is a reflection on the imperfections you feel within. The negative energy that you waste or being critcal to your SO is being bounce back your way either in an emotional, mental or physical mean.

Learn to pick your battles. Try not to focus on small details. When you feel that you are getting annoyed with him, take a second to be alone and say to yourself HE IS ONLY HUMAN. If he did something that is problematic make time, only after you have “cooled off” and then discuss it with him.

Goodluck

this is big for me because if he does something that bothers me, I forget that I should allow him to make mistakes and then to redeem himself....instead, I attack instantly. I tend to wanna argue right there in the moment instead of falling back for a second so I can express myself to him once I've cooled off.

I want to focus on doing that, especially because he's so forgiving towards me.

Thanks for saying this

 

[envybeauty]

Read "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" -- it's old but good.

It helped me to understand men and their moods. That a LOT of men don't argue instantly. They go into their little world, simmer on what is going on, and then re-emerge to discuss it hours or days later. I was like ...ok cool. Once I started to understand that, I was able to relax a bit knowing that he was not completely ignoring me or shutting down ... but that he WILL address my concern in due time so I will relax and go do something fun while he simmers.

Then, I learned that men like accomplishments; they pride themselves on figuring things out for themselves. If they get even the slightest help from you, then they don't feel like they accomplished it on their own. The author even used driving as an example. When lost or missing an exit, it is best to let him figure it out on his own without questioning his judgment. If you question him about it, then he will feel as if you don't trust him to get it done. Again, I was like ....ok cool. So when lost in a car with my boo, I just sit there letting him figure it out. Because we are going to be late anyway, so we might as well be late without a fuss or moodiness on either part. I'll help him only if he asks, but I let him ask me instead of me telling/suggesting/questioning what he should do in the car.

That book helped me. I recommend it.

 

[foxxymami]

It has been 4 looong years with my SO and girl, I'm just now learning to not be so angry. I would be so angry around him that I would just tense up...ready to fight, yell, accuse, anything really just to get him as angry with me as I was with him.

When I think about it later I would say I was so childish, why was I acting like that?

I had to ask myself that for real, why was I angry...that man didn't do anything to me, didn't say anything, barely looked at me...I'm mad as soon as I get in a room with him!

We had a long distance relationship for a long while and even through everything I realized why I was so angry with him, it wasn't about him. I was so afraid to let go and love him because I felt like that was going against everything I wanted for myself, which was NOT a relationship.
And even though I might not have wanted that when I was younger, I learned it's really not that bad to love him and it is enjoyable.

I would just wonder why am I so angry and once you understand that internally, you are going to be able to accomplish so much more...and YES talk to that man, because that made many of my days go from being almost angry to being completely happy!

Patience is a virture for real for real...

Thanks for this. Patience isn't one of my strong suits
........but I'm getting there

The bolded.....OMG, this describes what's going through my head while I'm lashing out at him. Trying to get him to get as upset as me...get him to feel the emotion I'm feeling All the while thinking in my head, 'this is so ridiculous...why am I carrying on like this?....this is nothing to get upset about'. It's crazy. But yeah, so I know what you mean.

 

[foxxymami]

Read "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" -- it's old but good.

It helped me to understand men and their moods. That a LOT of men don't argue instantly. They go into their little world, simmer on what is going on, and then re-emerge to discuss it hours or days later(YES!!). I was like ...ok cool. Once I started to understand that, I was able to relax a bit knowing that he was not completely ignoring me or shutting down(YES! thats how it felt sometimes)... but that he WILL address my concern in due time so I will relax and go do something fun while he simmers(this is what I need to do).

Then, I learned that men like accomplishments; they pride themselves on figuring things out for themselves. If they get even the slightest help from you, then they don't feel like they accomplished it on their own. The author even used driving as an example. When lost or missing an exit, it is best to let him figure it out on his own without questioning his judgment. If you question him about it, then he will feel as if you don't trust him to get it done(this sounds like something he would say). Again, I was like ....ok cool. So when lost in a car with my boo, I just sit there letting him figure it out. Because we are going to be late anyway, so we might as well be late without a fuss or moodiness on either part(YES!, my first instinct would be to fuss). I'll help him only if he asks, but I let him ask me instead of me telling/suggesting/questioning what he should do in the car(my first instinct would be to question him if he knows what he's doing).

That book helped me. I recommend it.

thank you, because this is exactly some of the stuff I mean. Like in the being late situation, i will sit and be upset and brew over it, and be upset some more an hour later. Then he'll get upset cuz i'm still holding onto that (which you can't blame him ).

I always see that book in the bookstore or pass it up when I'm on Amazon, but I've never read it or thought it would shed any light to me. Hmm :scratchch, maybe I'll go check it out from the library......

 

[envybeauty]

thank you, because this is exactly some of the stuff I mean. Like in the being late situation, i will sit and be upset and brew over it, and be upset some more an hour later. Then he'll get upset cuz i'm still holding onto that (which you can't blame him ).

I always see that book or pass it up when I'm on Amazon, but I've never read it or thought it would shed any light to me. Hmm :scratchch, maybe I'll go check it out from the library......

yeah, the book helps. once you realize that it is not him personally, but that it is in general most men that do/act like that, you'll change.

because once you know the next man will react the same way, you might as well work with the one you got.

 

[foxxymami]

yeah, the book helps. once you realize that it is not him personally, but that it is in general most men that do/act like that, you'll change.

because once you know the next man will react the same way, you might as well work with the one you got.

 

[Evolving78]

well just call me angry aggie, because i'm very mad and bitter towards my dh. he has done a lot of stupid things (big and small) and hasn't really been sorry for them (or what i think how someone sorry should act) he doesn't want to battle with me anymore and he played this song for me today by Avant called When It Hurts. listening to that song a second time after he left for work really shook me up. i don't want to be angry anymore either, but i'm scared to put my fragile heart back out there. i tried a lot of different things to help me get past the hurt and resentment, but when i did those things, stuff only got worse and i felt like he was trying to make a fool out of me. maybe today could be a new start for me to let go and just love him again. i'm cryin as i type this. i didn't mean to try to hijack your thread OP, but thank you for bringing this topic up. oooooo!

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

thank you, because this is exactly some of the stuff I mean. Like in the being late situation, i will sit and be upset and brew over it, and be upset some more an hour later. Then he'll get upset cuz i'm still holding onto that (which you can't blame him ).

Girl this was SO me 2 years ago! I would get so upset over the small stuff that he did. On top of that I would call the "negative" friend because I knew that she would see my side and not his. After I finished talking to her I was double-upset and I would lash out at him all over again. I had some serious growing up to do!

OK *taking a deep breath*2 years later I am finally getting better. I mean I still have my times when I cut a FOOL but I now realize that I have control over how I react to certain things. I have been so mean to him and have said some things that I REALLY regret. I didn't like that feeling of guilt and decided that it wasn't about him changing but about me changing. My SO is much calmer than myself and I usually pick the fights but I couldn't take the cycle of "breaking up just to make up". I was angry when he was around but sad when he was gone and after every argument I feared losing him because love him so much. I guess I got tired of my ways and decided to make a change.

 

[Amour]

I don't too much like to put my biz out there but I'd like to know if any women out there have overcome this. I am sooo angry towards him. At first I didn't see it but now I realize that I get angry with him far too often and far too quickly.

It's so easy to notice your significant other's flaws and point them out, but it takes 2x longer to see your own. This is what I'm enduring right now.......looking at my reflection in the mirror. I can't honestly say that I don't play a part in the escalation of petty arguments that ensue. I used to point every finger on my hands at him, but in order to make this relationship better I have to work on the part I play

We're not perfect people nor do we have a perfect relationship. But, we love each other and are very patient in overcoming these issues because we want to start a life together. I'm looking to the other side of this dilemma.......where I won't be so quick to react in anger. I know I can do it, I just don't know how.

So what are the keys??

Is it the "choose your battles" line?
Is it that I have to learn to communicate my wants, needs, expectations without the anger in my voice?
Is it the "it's really not that serious" line?

If you need examples of my quick anger.......I will supply.

....................But, I'll be embarassed :blush3:

im am soooo grateful for this thread; i look forward to reading the replies as the above ^^^ that you described is me; it sounds like just something my SO constantly tells me about

 

[foxxymami]

well just call me angry aggie, because i'm very mad and bitter towards my dh. he has done a lot of stupid things (big and small) and hasn't really been sorry for them (or what i think how someone sorry should act) he doesn't want to battle with me anymore and he played this song for me today by Avant called When It Hurts. listening to that song a second time after he left for work really shook me up. i don't want to be angry anymore either, but i'm scared to put my fragile heart back out there. i tried a lot of different things to help me get past the hurt and resentment, but when i did those things, stuff only got worse and i felt like he was trying to make a fool out of me. maybe today could be a new start for me to let go and just love him again. i'm cryin as i type this. i didn't mean to try to hijack your thread OP, but thank you for bringing this topic up. oooooo!

Aww well I hope you are feeling better
New starts can definitely be a positive thing. Have you guys sought out marital counseling?

 

[foxxymami]

Girl this was SO me 2 years ago! I would get so upset over the small stuff that he did. On top of that I would call the "negative" friend because I knew that she would see my side and not his. After I finished talking to her I was double-upset and I would lash out at him all over again. I had some serious growing up to do!

OK *taking a deep breath*2 years later I am finally getting better. I mean I still have my times when I cut a FOOL but I now realize that I have control over how I react to certain things. I have been so mean to him and have said some things that I REALLY regret. I didn't like that feeling of guilt and decided that it wasn't about him changing but about me changing. My SO is much calmer than myself and I usually pick the fights but I couldn't take the cycle of "breaking up just to make up". I was angry when he was around but sad when he was gone and after every argument I feared losing him because love him so much. I guess I got tired of my ways and decided to make a change.

Thats so funny!

I usually call my best friend.....we've been friends for 20 years....and she will give it to me straight: "Uh, foxxy, girl you are overreacting". I am very appreciative of her because she calms me down when she knows I'm tripping

 

[foxxymami]

I know change doesn't happen in one night, but I'm happy to report that I haven't been angry at him over little things in 4 days now and I'm amazed that I feel so much better and more relaxed. I've mainly been making an effort to pause myself and ask "should i really work myself up over this? is it that serious?" and so as long as the answer is no, I'm going to save myself the negative energy and stress and frustration.

I do plan to get that book too tho

 

[blkbeauty]

this is big for me because if he does something that bothers me, I forget that I should allow him to make mistakes and then to redeem himself....instead, I attack instantly. I tend to wanna argue right there in the moment instead of falling back for a second so I can express myself to him once I've cooled off.

I want to focus on doing that, especially because he's so forgiving towards me.

Thanks for saying this

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have to remember that you are human too. We all work toward having bliss in our lives and relationships, but it doesn't always come easy. Trust me your SO is probably working on his own flaws just like you realize that you have some of your own. One great thing in life is awareness. It is great when you realize that your behavior is not always the best, because when you do realize you are already one step in the direction of fixing it!

 

[Evolving78]

Aww well I hope you are feeling better
New starts can definitely be a positive thing. Have you guys sought out marital counseling?

girl, been there, done that. we need Jesus!LOL! thank you though.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Lots of good commentary in this thread.