How Do I Reclaim My Power As A Woman?

SurferBabe

SurferBabe

Well-Known Member
I feel like I've lost my power as a woman. For the last 4 months, I've given all of my energy to an unrequited "love" situation with a friend (who I've known for 5 years), and now I feel defeated. Right now I envy the men in my life because the world is a playground for them while all of the women around me beg, fight, and compete for their attention. I feel so powerless. How do I get my power back?

Backstory:
I broke off an engagement 5 years ago because my fiance just wasn't the man for me. Once I got over it, I felt so empowered. I worked on starting my business, I traveled, and I fell in love with myself. I had no real interest in men or dating, and for that reason, men chased me relentlessly... including this guy who became my friend. He lived in another city, but we'd chat on occasion and he'd give me some great advice about life and business. Years later my work ended up taking me to the same city as him. Initially I had no romantic interest in him. He wasn't my type in any way (short and chubby), but as we started spending more time together, I fell for him. He introduced me to so many new things-- he taught me how to surf, fish, camp, and he pulled me into his world of art and music. He was such a free spirit and it rubbed off on me. I fell for the hype.

So many women want him. He has a lot of female friends and most of them are girls he has slept with in the past. He was once a serial monogamist and just recently decided to live the single life. My dumb arse fell for the charm and suddenly, the pursuit stopped on his end. I fell so hard for him and he doesn't want anything more with me.

I've gone from being THAT GIRL to feeling so weak and powerless.

He has all of the power right now. He has girls chasing him and he can snap his fingers and find just about any woman to sleep with. What incentive does he or any man have to settle down these days?

Just last week I was at the lake with him and some other friends, and I felt so weak. There were lots of young, pretty, single girls sunbathing topless and he and his friends just sat around gawking the entire time. I can't compete with that. Meanwhile, most of the men there were coupled up so no hot, single eye candy for the ladies. Men have it so good. The company of a woman is no longer something you have to fight for as a man. Womanhood has lost its mystique and allure and these men are having a blast out here!

I'm broken, and I never imagined I'd ever feel this way. I've broken off my friendship with him, but I still don't know how to get my power back.

I'm open to any advice, books, or lectures about this topic. I know what it is like to feel powerful and magnetic as a woman, but somewhere I lost it. I want my power back. I hate that I ever allowed myself to get fooled like this.
 
(((HUGS)))

There will always be younger women than you, and maybe even prettier but keep in mind you are only seeing one aspect when you physically compare. You know nothing of their lives, just a few glances here and there. Their beauty does not take away your own. And if there are topless women sunbathing, everyone is going to look. LOL! I would look too contemplating if I could/should be so bold. :look:

Why did you break your friendship with him? Do you want him because you feel like he is unattainable?

I think you need to fall back in love with yourself again. You did it once and you can do it again. I think your issue is that you don't feel like you have many/any men vying for your attention so you are focusing on Mr. Chub. If you had any suitors that were grabbing your attention I bet you could not care less about who/what he is doing.

I think you need to get back to you. Sounds simplistic, but that is what works for me. Getting back to you is putting your blinders on and doing what makes you content. Not worrying about him, her or them BUT you; doing what YOU like. Avoiding negative head trash and people is imperative. You almost sound a little desperate and I say that with NO disrespect intended. When you feel desperate you will get yourself into trouble and lower your standards in order to fill the void you are experiencing.

You are a fly woman! You are educated! Successful! You are a pleasure to be around! You are getting better each day! While you may not have the vanity of saying you are twenty-something or maybe even thirty-something, you have wisdom. You are discerning and can do ANYTHING you put your mind to! Look at Mama Tina with her seksi new husband. She had no idea how she would find love, but she did. Why can't you doll?

You got this! Don't let no biscuit head knock you off of your square or even attempt to make you feel less than! If I were a dude, I'd holla at ya! J/k! :lachen:

I have some books I can recommend, but my brain is not cooperating at the moment. :look:
 
You still are THAT GIRL! You had a minor blip that's all! The fact that you acknowledge that your power is being wasted and/or lost shows me that the worst is behind you.

It's time to retreat, to be still and clear your mind. This isn't about him, its about you, remember that.
 
Your story reminded me of a "friend" of mine I've known for 6 years. My advice is to "accept the apology you never received", forgive him and as hard as it is cut him off cold turkey with no explanation. Block him on social media etc. If he wants to contact you, he will find a way. Men like him are resourceful. If he does lay your cards on the table from the outset. But do not get your hopes up regarding him pursuing you. You will love like that again :hug2:

Live like you used to before. Start doing the things you used to do and meet new people, new men. He thinks he's the best that you can do. He'll be in for a rude awakening when he finds out that you've done better.

Also the best thing that you can do for yourself is to wish him well. Hold no malice.

Eta : actually you will love again, maybe not like that. That was a soulmate type of love for me. I'm happy that I experienced it in my lifetime... not sure of I will feel like that again. Choose to let him go :hug2:
 
Last edited:
Lucie said:
(((HUGS)))

There will always be younger women than you, and maybe even prettier but keep in mind you are only seeing one aspect when you physically compare. You know nothing of their lives, just a few glances here and there. Their beauty does not take away your own. And if there are topless women sunbathing, everyone is going to look. LOL! I would look too contemplating if I could/should be so bold. :look:

Why did you break your friendship with him? Do you want him because you feel like he is unattainable?

I think you need to fall back in love with yourself again. You did it once and you can do it again. I think your issue is that you don't feel like you have many/any men vying for your attention so you are focusing on Mr. Chub. If you had any suitors that were grabbing your attention I bet you could not care less about who/what he is doing.

I think you need to get back to you. Sounds simplistic, but that is what works for me. Getting back to you is putting your blinders on and doing what makes you content. Not worrying about him, her or them BUT you; doing what YOU like. Avoiding negative head trash and people is imperative. You almost sound a little desperate and I say that with NO disrespect intended. When you feel desperate you will get yourself into trouble and lower your standards in order to fill the void you are experiencing.

You are a fly woman! You are educated! Successful! You are a pleasure to be around! You are getting better each day! While you may not have the vanity of saying you are twenty-something or maybe even thirty-something, you have wisdom. You are discerning and can do ANYTHING you put your mind to! Look at Mama Tina with her seksi new husband. She had no idea how she would find love, but she did. Why can't you doll?

You got this! Don't let no biscuit head knock you off of your square or even attempt to make you feel less than! If I were a dude, I'd holla at ya! J/k! :lachen:

I have some books I can recommend, but my brain is not cooperating at the moment. :look:
Click to expand...

Thank for you this advice and insight. I feel a lot better!

I broke my friendship with him because the friendship can't be healthy if I'm pinning away. I also felt like he treated my interest in him as being a burden. There was no compassion on his end, just a "get over it" attitude.

And LMAO at "Mr Chub". My issue has always been that I'm very picky. I rarely find myself interested in men and for a while I questioned if I was actually attracted to them. Many men show interest in me but I rarely have interest in them. I wish I could change that. When I do actually like someone I fall hard and as you said... I seem desperate. It also gives those guys an upper hand in knowing that very few other guys will catch my eye. It could also be a matter of my surroundings. The men back home left a lot to be desired. Now that I'm in a new space, perhaps seeing what is out there-- beyond his circle-- might change my perspective.

I guess I need to work on falling in love with myself again.
 
Yes you are amazing, one of a kind, limited edition, and so on. That Je ne Sais quoi is the reason he was chasing you in the first place. Try to regain that by just focusing on things you love to do. It'll help take your mind off him. He sounds like a jerk anyway.
 
Op, I'm sorry you're feeling that way about yourself. I agree with all the advice that have been given. You need to find yourself,especially in a new city. Join meet-up groups and continue to enjoy the activities you experienced.

Consider this, never spend all your time with a man. That is the easiest way to lose yourself. That's how they become an addiction, all of your time, thoughts and feelings are wrapped into him.
Feel better!
 
Plan a trip.
Set a lofty business goal and focus.
Set a new physical goal (run a half marathon) and join local Black Girls Run!

Be busy doing what gave you confidence before or aim for something new and do that. Then remember how you're feeling now before you give some pot belly boy child your power.

Yes I said give. Love and relationships isn't all or nothing. You don't have to give up all of you to prove your worth to boys who treat you like interchangeable props. You deserve better but you need to know your worth. Be more discerning with your time and emotions. Make any suitor make changes to be with you not the other way around. Keep your options open and be comfortable interviewing more than one candidate. If you already have dinner plans with Bill for Friday you won't sweat if Tom doesn't call or better can let Tom know you have plans if he waits til Friday morning to text "what you doing later". If Tom is serious he won't be last minute when he knows you have options but if you allow him to Netflix and chill he'll never step up and you'll only have yourself to blame when the next chick gets Red Lobster and trips.

You train people how to treat you. Don't worry about what girls he's juggling, get your own team to manage. Then do it so well he begs for another shot (& you better not give it to him). A serial monogamist only changes when he wants to. His loss. You're going to be ok.

:bighug:
 
Get therapy. I don't say that to be flippant but to be real. I believe every woman (especially Black women) should have a GOOD therapist and a GOOD medical doctor. Your mental health is as important as your physical health. Seek out someone who can look at YOU and diagnose your traits that you need work on. I'd venture to say that your relationship (or lack of) is not the only area in your life where you feel powerless right now. I believe that because if all the other areas of your life were doing really well, you'd be able to draw strength from those areas (e.g., fitness, finances, career, friendships, health, home, etc.). A good therapists can recommend specific books, activities, and mental exercises tailored to help you find your balance and get your mojo back.

I speak from experience. I had two bad breakups in my life. Bad as in.....I was left shaken to my core and unbalanced. The first one was true heartbreak where I felt physical heart ache - something I thought was a figure of speech until I felt it for myself. A friend sent me a bible, some books, etc. It helped but it also took me quite a long time to figure it out on my own. The second time was several years later where a friend suggested therapy. At first I ignored her because I had spoken to different therapists in the past and I felt the sessions were useless. But I said I'd try one more time with a new person. BOY WAS I GLAD I DID! That therapist was AWESOME! From the first session to the last, I felt empowered with an action plan every time I left her office. She was sooooo GOOD! I only met with her about 4-5 times but it was worth it. She switched jobs so I met with someone else after her but the next one was not as good. We lasted a few sessions and then I stopped going. A GOOD therapist is like gold.
 
OP, you reclaim your power one day at a time by taking good care of you and getting whatever kind of help it is you need including seeking out a really good therapist as just suggested. If you can't heal on your own, no shame in needing professional help. I also recommend checking out the website BaggageReclaim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk -- it is amazing and full of juicy tidbits. She offers online courses as well. YouTube videos too https://m.youtube.com/user/baggagereclaim

Some women simply don't have the upbringing or skills needed to navigate relationships well. If we find ourselves suffering too much and left feeling shattered by others, it is our responsibility to get the help and support we need. Be strong and don't let any man have you believing something is wrong with you or that all men have it so easy and we have it so hard. This dude ***'d with your mind and you have to get yourself together and build yourself up in such a way that you can be open and loving, but more protective of yourself. Trust that you will get over his little short fat trying to be a player behind. He is not all that. After you heal you will be asking yourself, Really? I was pining for that dude?
 
I'll add: Read the book of Proverbs and listen to some Nina Simone.

Nina said something like, "You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served."

That right THERE got a big ole *headnod* from moi. This applies to family, friends and especially romantic relationships. When you are just that broken and unbalanced, it is because you stayed at the table longer than you should have. Part of self-care is knowing WHEN to leave those who no longer care for you. This is in conjunction with the earlier statement that you have to learn to accept an apology you'll never receive. Both speak towards moving on - not waiting to figure out what is going on but just going forward with your life regardless.
 
Holla said:
I'll add: Read the book of Proverbs and listen to some Nina Simone.

Nina said something like, "You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served."

That right THERE got a big ole *headnod* from moi. This applies to family, friends and especially romantic relationships. When you are just that broken and unbalanced, it is because you stayed at the table longer than you should have. Part of self-care is knowing WHEN to leave those who no longer care for you. This is in conjunction with the earlier statement that you have to learn to accept an apology you'll never receive. Both speak towards moving on - not waiting to figure out what is going on but just going forward with your life regardless.
Click to expand...

YES, YES and YES.

That's real talk. :yep:
 
Sorry you're going through this OP. You said short and chubby? Girl nah. I would be like I was too good for you anyway and keep it moving. Do you have any annoying guys that like you? :look: You know the ones that you don't like and are always hitting you up? Yea go and have lunch/dinner with a few of those, keep them in rotation to get your confidence back up :yep: I know that sounds horrible but they will be happy to just bask in your presence and you can get your mojo back. I don't have any deep and profound advice sorry, I'm just like put on some extra red lipstick and act like you're so happy to be done with him and keep it moving. I think summer is a perfect time to find a new man anyway :lol:
 
Zaynab said:
Sorry you're going through this OP. You said short and chubby? Girl nah. I would be like I was too good for you anyway and keep it moving. Do you have any annoying guys that like you? :look: You know the ones that you don't like and are always hitting you up? Yea go and have lunch/dinner with a few of those, keep them in rotation to get your confidence back up :yep: I know that sounds horrible but they will be happy to just bask in your presence and you can get your mojo back. I don't have any deep and profound advice sorry, I'm just like put on some extra red lipstick and act like you're so happy to be done with him and keep it moving. I think summer is a perfect time to find a new man anyway :lol:
Click to expand...

Actually the red lipstick advice is for real, it really helped boost me up when I needed it
 
I rembr feeling like this. I went to talk to an older male cousin. He told me this-
'He fell for the woman u used to be. U got comf and all into him and now he dont recognz u no more. He aint attracted to this new chick. Men like to chase so go get back to yourself. Go be that woman again'

Its reiteratg previous posts, u get the idea.
 
Thanks everyone for the advice! I'll admit that when I read this thread during the daytime I feel so empowered and I don't even think about him. But at night... man it's hard. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I made a vow to never put myself in a situation like this again. I haven't felt anything like this in YEARS and it is hard coping with a feeling you thought you were immune to. I'm keeping my schedule jam packed and just praying for the day I wake up and no longer think of him. What hurts the most for me is that he just goes on living his life as usual while I cry myself to sleep. Just like that, he doesn't even care. I wish my heart could be as cold.
 
ArcticFemme said:
Thanks everyone for the advice! I'll admit that when I read this thread during the daytime I feel so empowered and I don't even think about him. But at night... man it's hard. All I can do is take it one day at a time. I made a vow to never put myself in a situation like this again. I haven't felt anything like this in YEARS and it is hard coping with a feeling you thought you were immune to. I'm keeping my schedule jam packed and just praying for the day I wake up and no longer think of him. What hurts the most for me is that he just goes on living his life as usual while I cry myself to sleep. Just like that, he doesn't even care. I wish my heart could be as cold.
Click to expand...

:bighug:

I can so relate to how you're feeling. It does get better. :yep:
 
ArcticFemme said:
What hurts the most for me is that he just goes on living his life as usual while I cry myself to sleep. Just like that, he doesn't even care. I wish my heart could be as cold.
Click to expand...
U think he's happy!?!??
If he is then it would never work between u two so u came out ahead. If he is happy, then he is into superficial relationships and that doesnt sound like something that would make YOU happy

YOU win! Realize this was a good move for you. Keep your heart warm or else the man you want wont be able to find you
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Perfexion
My mistake as a single woman
2
Replies
38
Views
2K
DarkJoy
DarkJoy
Kinkyhairlady
When the next woman is able to make him commit...
Replies
26
Views
2K
Evolving78
E
T
Why Do I Keep Hurting Him?
Replies
5
Views
168
taytay86
T
L
How do I know if there is a chance for us?
Replies
25
Views
1K
Kurlee
Kurlee
L
How do I know if there is a chance for us?
Replies
4
Views
205
caltron
caltron
Back
Top