How Do I Reclaim My Power As A Woman?

[hopeful]

You go girl @ArcticFemme ! What a wonderful update. Thank you for sharing and congrats. You got him OUT of your system. I love that you called him that jigglypuff shaped boy , that's how I know you are done.

 

[WonderGirl2U]

I've been thinking lately that a lot of confusion surrounding how to behave in relationships and deciding what your standards should be stems from poor parenting.

Why can't mothers do a better job of building their daughters up and teaching them to be women who naturally demand that men treat them with the upmost respect and love?

I see a lot of women having multiple daughters, and none of them know how to have healthy relationships. Yet the mothers will be proud that they have daughters, but they really haven't given them the skills and tools they need to be successful in the world. I really don't understand it. It doesn't make good sense to me. The same women will complain how hard it is out there for young girls today on the dating scene, yet they haven't invested anything at all into helping their daughters succeed period- not in education or in ways that would allow them to attract a suitable mate.

Anyone understand what I mean? Or am I being too harsh? It just seems like most women don't care. All they seem to do is want to brag about having children, but don't want to invest the hard work into helping them succeed. (And of course, they want the children to spend their lives kissing their behinds for giving them life- but that's another story for another day).

ETA: I know some mothers have never been taught themselves. My question is, if you know you've never seen a healthy relationship or had one yourself, why REPEATEDLY continue the cycle by having multiple children??? If you know you're not doing that well in life, why have four to five kids to take down with you?

 

[hopeful]

@WonderGirl2U
People can't give what they don't have to give. Can't teach what they don't know or understand. I agree that parenting is a big part of the problem, as is society, sexism, racism, misogyny, etc. We have to focus our energy on fixing what we can IMO.

 

[MzLady78]

@WonderGirl2U
People can't give what they don't have to give. Can't teach what they don't know or understand. I agree that parenting is a big part of the problem, as is society, sexism, racism, misogyny, etc. We have to focus our energy on fixing what we can IMO.

This.

I had this whole long post expanding on this, but I just saw her edit.

I don't have a clue about that, I don't understand it myself.

 

[WonderGirl2U]

This.

I had this whole long post expanding on this, but I just saw her edit.

I don't have a clue about that, I don't understand it myself.

I have an older brother. Very successful with an equally successful wife and a large family. He didn't put me up on game. So, you probably didn't miss out on anything there. It seems to me he was just lucky to be a successful black man in a time when there are a ton of single, successful black women looking for a decent black man to marry.

 

[MzLady78]

I have an older brother. Very successful with an equally successful wife and a large family. He didn't put me up on game. So, you probably didn't miss out on anything there. It seems to me he was just lucky to be a successful black man in a time when there are a ton of single, successful black women looking for a decent black man to marry.

Yeah, I guess it's hard to say for sure that things would have been different if I did have one. That's just how I always imagined it being in my head.

 

[JFemme]

@WonderGirl2U
People can't give what they don't have to give. Can't teach what they don't know or understand. I agree that parenting is a big part of the problem, as is society, sexism, racism, misogyny, etc. We have to focus our energy on fixing what we can IMO.

In absolute agreement

All we can do is focus on being that woman and growing into that parent. They lies your only power in the issues at hand. IMHO

 

[hopeful]

...
ETA: I know some mothers have never been taught themselves. My question is, if you know you've never seen a healthy relationship or had one yourself, why REPEATEDLY continue the cycle by having multiple children??? If you know you're not doing that well in life, why have four to five kids to take down with you?

Girl idk . That's a good question though. Eternal hope, ignorance, think things aren't so bad, think they are a good enough parent? Idk idk idk. I will also add that as a mother sometimes you really think you are doing a good job and then 10-20 years later with maturity and more wisdom you will be like what was I thinking?

 

[bklynbornNbred]

UPDATE: Aaaaand, like clockwork he's started sending me flirty texts... @Kalani, you called it!

He sent me one two weeks ago... I didn't respond-- almost didn't recognize the number at first
He sent another on Monday... no response

Today he sent me a text asking if I'd like to work an art show he's hosting (it's pretty big here in the city). Though it would be some nice extra change... I'll pass so I didn't respond. I might still attend to support my artist friends who are participating, but not without a tall, fine date.

He sent me a friend request on FB. Rejected. I'm not playing with these dudes anymore. #savagelife

I'm not attracted to that Jigglypuff shaped boy in the least bit anymore. No Pokemon Go here. I have no idea what I ever saw in him. I was vulnerable in a new, unfamiliar surrounding and he took advantage of that.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and tough love. I'm proud of the willpower I've had to not reach out to him these last couple of months. No contact is exactly what I needed to move on. I feel powerful and unstoppable once again!

I'm in here tearing up like I'm in a field of onions. You deserve all the happiness your heart can hold.

 

[BK Bombshell]

In absolute agreement

All we can do is focus on being that woman and growing into that parent. They lies your only power in the issues at hand. IMHO

I'm trying to pass on whatever I learn to my niece, but I also need my sister to fall in line and back me up. She says she doesn't want my niece to to make the same mistakes, but whenever I ask her about the materials I give her to give to my niece, she hems and haws. In the meantime, my niece is going down the "work with a brother even though he adds NO value to my life whatsoever" path and I need that to stop NOW while she's still young.

I'm going to start bypassing my sister b/c I won't have yet another generation making the same mistakes if I can help it.

 

[SurferBabe]

There isn't much a mother can do to teach her daughter about love and relationships because it's all talk in the end. We're stubborn, hard-headed, and best learn from experience. Aside from encouraging your daughter to not make any mistakes that can have permanent consequences, it's a waste of time to be frank-- UNLESS you have a daughter with a cautious and responsible personality by nature. I only know a handful of those.

I rebelled against pretty much everything my parents taught me, and I'm kinda glad I did. Sometimes there were consequences, but I'm glad I got to live those experiences .

Young women aren't usually receptive to what the past generation has to tell them about men. Your mother will tell you to leave the bad boys alone when she knows she used to sneak out of the house a couple of times at your age. Sure she ended up happily married to a good man in the end, but it's unrealistic for her to try to stop you from experiencing life in the same way. While our matriarchs might teach us about love, respect, and honesty... most young women will have a subconscious desire to experience a hot, passionate, dramatic, reckless love at least once in their lives. Now if you're still making the same mistakes at 40+, there are some serious underlying issues at hand.

The unfortunate part is that no woman sets out to have her heart broken and her pride hurt by a no good man. Women just want the same man who lights a fire in them to also be the RIGHT guy. Rarely does that happen. It's kinda depressing. You keep trying and trying until you realize that you have to leave Mr. Big alone and find an Aidan if you want a shot at long-term happiness. Hopefully by then you've gotten Mr. Big out of your system and can appreciate an Aidan. Some women never get to that level.

The most any mother could hope for is that her daughter doesn't get knocked up by some knucklehead or end up with something incurable. You'd also want your daughter to get the foolishness out of her system by a certain age. That aside, it's fair game.

 

[BK Bombshell]

There isn't much a mother can do to teach her daughter about love and relationships because it's all talk in the end. We're stubborn, hard-headed, and best learn from experience. Aside from encouraging your daughter to not make any mistakes that can have permanent consequences, it's a waste of time to be frank-- UNLESS you have a daughter with a cautious and responsible personality by nature. I only know a handful of those.

But see, I think this is a fatalistic way of looking at it. I feel it's the responsibility of older women to sit younger women down and tell them the hard truths about love and life. Now whether or not the younger women listen (and I'll concede that most will not), that's doesn't absolve us from the responsibility.

Previous generations of women passed wisdom down one to the next, but the chain was broken and now we have a whole generation of women dealing with problems that could be avoided or at least minimized if just ONE elder sat her down and set her straight. If your (general you) mother didn't know, that's a different story. I was fortunate enough to have a series of "mothers" throughout my life that took me under their wings and taught me what I needed to know (and yes, I only listened part of the time so it didn't stop me from making stupid mistakes.)

I'm a rebel to my very core in pretty much every area of my life, but I also went through a lot of unnecessary b.s. because I was hopelessly naive about men. My mother's only advice was the usual "don't bring a baby in here." Nothing about vetting a man, dating, anything like that. It was always trial and error. My father was the same way. In every relationship thread, someone always says a variation of "but that's just common sense. How come y'all don't know that basic information?" and I always wonder why they can't see that not everyone has the same advantages. Not everyone has mothers/fathers, older sisters/brothers or uncles or aunts that told them what to watch out for (and truth be told, sometimes our own families will give the worst advice anyway.) Not everyone grew up in a non-chaotic household. Not everyone had people around them that built up their self esteem so much that they were immune to getting caught out there. Not everyone has an older woman in their life that they can ask questions about love, sex, life. So I always try to find compassion for women who seem naive to things because I was there.

Anyway, like I said, I had to learn a lot the hard way, but now that I know what I know, I feel like if I can save one girl/woman even some of the heartache I went through, it'll be worth it.

 

[barbiesocialite]

But see, I think this is a fatalistic way of looking at it. I feel it's the responsibility of older women to sit younger women down and tell them the hard truths about love and life. Now whether or not the younger women listen (and I'll concede that most will not), that's doesn't absolve us from the responsibility.

Previous generations of women passed wisdom down one to the next, but the chain was broken and now we have a whole generation of women dealing with problems that could be avoided or at least minimized if just ONE elder sat her down and set her straight. If your (general you) mother didn't know, that's a different story. I was fortunate enough to have a series of "mothers" throughout my life that took me under their wings and taught me what I needed to know (and yes, I only listened part of the time so it didn't stop me from making stupid mistakes.)

I'm a rebel to my very core in pretty much every area of my life, but I also went through a lot of unnecessary b.s. because I was hopelessly naive about men. My mother's only advice was the usual "don't bring a baby in here." Nothing about vetting a man, dating, anything like that. It was always trial and error. My father was the same way. In every relationship thread, someone always says a variation of "but that's just common sense. How come y'all don't know that basic information?" and I always wonder why they can't see that not everyone has the same advantages. Not everyone has mothers/fathers, older sisters/brothers or uncles or aunts that told them what to watch out for (and truth be told, sometimes our own families will give the worst advice anyway.) Not everyone grew up in a non-chaotic household. Not everyone had people around them that built up their self esteem so much that they were immune to getting caught out there. Not everyone has an older woman in their life that they can ask questions about love, sex, life. So I always try to find compassion for women who seem naive to things because I was there.

Anyway, like I said, I had to learn a lot the hard way, but now that I know what I know, I feel like if I can save one girl/woman even some of the heartache I went through, it'll be worth it.

a

This.

I get on my gram's ass about this. This woman got me out here potty training her other grandchildren with her knowledge.--which I only know because I voluntarily ask.

My cousins don't know half of the things I've learned from.Grandma because:

1. I'm the only one that was practically raised by her as a teen ando lived with her as an adult.

2. I'm more assertive and aggressive than the average. I'll ask whatever I want, Idgaf.

3. I am persistent. I can be annoying as hell. Gatdammit you're gonna answer all my questions. I don't take no for an answer.

4. I'm an INTJ. Foresight is my thing. I'm naturally more inquisitive in that I'm always worrying tomorrow's problems today. Like I want to know what to do if my husband loses his job or has an irritating mother etc

But realistically speaking it is unrealistic for the average young woman to receive all the knowledge older women have because they're a lot more timid and don't have my temperament. For example, I get A LOT of relationship advice requests. I mean A LOT. old, young, married, dating and single. In real life and online. I think people trust my feedback because I handle everyone and everything on a case-by-case basis. It is during that process that I almost always refer or defer to a specific older woman I know who specifically has experienced something similar in the past. I don't talk about things I don't know about. I DO NOT GIVE MARRIED WOMEN ADVICE. EVER. UNLESS I GOT IT SPECIFICLLY FROM AN OLDER MARRIED WOMAN. I always send them to a married woman who survived a similar event.

The crazy thing is the entire time I'm left thinking:"why the hell are you asking me? I'm younger than you. Where is your mama/grandmother/auntie. They're old af. Clearly they didn't teach you a damn thing....."

 

[bklynbornNbred]

@BK Bombshell I agree with you in theory but the reality is many older woman still don't acknowledge their mistakes so they are unable to help the next generation from repeating patterns.

It's easier to play victim or blame God instead of saying maybe I should have made different choices, stop giving chance after chance in the face of behavior not matching actions, stop badgering women for making choices they were too scared to make, stop shaming girls and coddling boys.

There are so many things that I'm downright disgusted with the elders in my family over. I do what I can but confronting them in their twilight years won't change the damage already done. All I can do is walk stronger, advise other younger women how to do better and hangout on here from time to time. Your sister is stuck because she sees her daughter as her baby instead of a young woman. Help your niece & any young woman willing to listen your advice.

ETA I had another young woman tell me recently that she was scared to tell me about abuse that occurred because she was ashamed and she knew I would . So warning to all keep your gangsta undercover. The ex doesn't know how patient I am.

 

[sgold04]

@BK Bombshell I agree with you in theory but the reality is many older woman still don't acknowledge their mistakes so they are unable to help the next generation from repeating patterns.

It's easier to play victim or blame God instead of saying maybe I should have made different choices, stop giving chance after chance in the face of behavior not matching actions, stop badgering women for making choices they were too scared to make, stop shaming girls and coddling boys.

There are so many things that I'm downright disgusted with the elders in my family over.

^^^This right here! One has to acknowledge errors in order to learn from mistakes, the women in my family (except my mom) don't acknowledge any mistakes they have made, and they promote the idea that "any man is better than no man" so a lot of phukery gets passed down because my aunts and cousins are afraid of being alone.

Also, the role of the father is extremely important in showing girls what to tolerate in relationships. Not just in what they treat their daughters, but how they treat their wives. My dad taught me from a young age that I was important and had something to offer anyone who entered my life, but he was a crappy husband to my mom. On a scale of crappiness he's probably on the better end...but I ended up replicating my mom & dad's relationship and NOT the "you is important" mantra my dad tried to instill in me.

 

[biznesswmn]

I ended up replicating my mom & dad's relationship and NOT the "you is important" mantra my dad tried to instill in me.

Yep, my sister always says children learn what they LIVE, not what you say (and even do sometimes)

 

[SurferBabe]

Nvm

 

[hot_pepper96]

Things along the lines of 'hi beautiful' and how he's been thinking about me lately and wants to know how I'm adjusting to the city. He suggested grabbing lunch sometime. He misses hanging out with me. That type of stuff. In the art show text he addressed me as a nickname he used to have for me back when he was chasing me. Boy bye. Not interested. Texts deleted. It's a game with him. He doesn't understand why I haven't attempted to reach out to him in over 2 months. He expected me to show up to events I know he's at in an attempt to bump into him like so many of the other girls he's played this game with (there are plenty still feenin' for him).

He better call Becky.

"He better call Becky." I'm dead!

I so hope that I can get to this headspace one day. I'm only a month in to my heart break and every time I feel like I'm making progress then I get weepy and sad again.

 

[SurferBabe]

I do know that he is back to chasing one of his exes he was always crazy about. Back when we were just friends he'd complain about her to me all of the time because she was so emotionally unavailable-- that's why he broke up with her. But he admitted that her distance is why he always liked her... she was the one woman he couldn't fully have-- his exact words. Now she's back to giving him some attention and he's hooked again. That's what he likes... the chase and denial. It kills my ego that I gave in. It also kills my ego because I was once like her... but I've moved on physically and soon I'll be completely detached from him mentally. Let her deal with the BS. I can do better... much better.

UPDATE:
I've run into him a few times since my last post and we're cordial. I actually ran into him the other day and we had a quick chat then I bounced.

What made me bump this thread was the post I quoted above. He and his ex are dating again. She came back ready to settle down and wanting him to be her man and of course he jumped at the chance.

...and he's cheating on her with a couple of women. I personally know one of them (she's a waitress at my favorite spot), and she doesn't use protection with him . He did something to upset the side chick and just a few minutes ago she started posting some subliminal messages on FB and tagged his girlfriend. She used that upside down face emoji which y'all know means it is about to go down . His girlfriend (the young woman mentioned in the quote) has serious trust issues because her father cheated on and abandoned her mother. She finally let her guard down to give Fat Albert a chance and he returned to his dog ways. When she finds out, she will be devastated. It will ruin her. I feel bad for her but I'm soooo glad I'm not a part of this messiness and nonsense.

I'm moving to one of my dream cities at the end of Spring so I've been busy with preparing for my move. I'm in a yoga class, I've been squatting daily so I have that high and tight , and I have fully transitioned to clean eating. I'm working on doubling my income by the end of the year. I can say from a spiritual perspective that God was truly looking out for me with this one. I couldn't imagine dealing with foolishness right now and being distracted from my goals.

Looking back, my idea of "power" was completely wrong. I thought he had power, and I thought his girlfriend had power because he wanted her. I foolishly believed that a woman's power was in being able to hold the attention of a man. Not even. It's about being able to find happiness in solitude. It's about being so in love with and invested in yourself that the people in your life are bonuses and not necessities. You feel complete without them. This guy I thought was so powerful is very broken. He's a playboy because he's insecure and needs the constant attention of women to feel good about himself. He was never really into this woman, he was just waiting on his chance to break her-- and he got it. She wasn't powerful either. Her elusiveness was a result of trust issues and not self love. She allowed herself to fall for his hype because she got lonely. I look at all of the women who are enamored with him and they are all broken in some way-- including me. I was new to a city and lonely-- he took advantage. He attracts many women who are attention-starved and he uses that to pull them in. They feel like they've won a prize when all they've won is an insecure flirt with a gut who is surrounded by a bunch of female "friends" that he's slept with. No woman who truly loves herself would deal with that. I can't believe I wanted him. *cue Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had*

I'm taking a break from dating/men this year along with a celibacy and sobriety vow because I have a lot going on and don't need distractions. It is empowering! I've never paid this much attention to myself and it feels delightful. In the past when I've been single I filled my time with partying and casual relationships. I was also bitter and pushed people away because of it. I never did any self work. I'm taking a different approach this time. I've found joy in solitude and the removal of attachments. I've forgiven myself and moved on from the stupid stuff I've done. Thanks goodness no children came out of any of this! When the time comes to put myself back on the market, I can approach the dating process with more awareness. I've finally reclaimed my power.

But I ain't too enlightened to watch these fireworks...

 

[MzLady78]

^^^ Great post. Sounds like you're in a good place and I'm very happy for you.

I'm not religious, but I think this is good example of that saying about how rejection is God's protection. That could have been your life.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I foolishly believed that a woman's power was in being able to hold the attention of a man. Not even. It's about being able to find happiness in solitude. It's about being so in love with and invested in yourself that the people in your life are bonuses and not necessities. You feel complete without them.

I just had to quote this for super emphasis. I loved your entire post...shoot I love most of your posts. And I am so proud of you. Wishing you nothing but the very best for 2017.

 

[caribeandiva]

UPDATE:
I've run into him a few times since my last post and we're cordial. I actually ran into him the other day and we had a quick chat then I bounced.

What made me bump this thread was the post I quoted above. He and his ex are dating again. She came back ready to settle down and wanting him to be her man and of course he jumped at the chance.

...and he's cheating on her with a couple of women. I personally know one of them (she's a waitress at my favorite spot), and she doesn't use protection with him . He did something to upset the side chick and just a few minutes ago she started posting some subliminal messages on FB and tagged his girlfriend. She used that upside down face emoji which y'all know means it is about to go down . His girlfriend (the young woman mentioned in the quote) has serious trust issues because her father cheated on and abandoned her mother. She finally let her guard down to give Fat Albert a chance and he returned to his dog ways. When she finds out, she will be devastated. It will ruin her. I feel bad for her but I'm soooo glad I'm not a part of this messiness and nonsense.

I'm moving to one of my dream cities at the end of Spring so I've been busy with preparing for my move. I'm in a yoga class, I've been squatting daily so I have that high and tight , and I have fully transitioned to clean eating. I'm working on doubling my income by the end of the year. I can say from a spiritual perspective that God was truly looking out for me with this one. I couldn't imagine dealing with foolishness right now and being distracted from my goals.

Looking back, my idea of "power" was completely wrong. I thought he had power, and I thought his girlfriend had power because he wanted her. I foolishly believed that a woman's power was in being able to hold the attention of a man. Not even. It's about being able to find happiness in solitude. It's about being so in love with and invested in yourself that the people in your life are bonuses and not necessities. You feel complete without them. This guy I thought was so powerful is very broken. He's a playboy because he's insecure and needs the constant attention of women to feel good about himself. He was never really into this woman, he was just waiting on his chance to break her-- and he got it. She wasn't powerful either. Her elusiveness was a result of trust issues and not self love. She allowed herself to fall for his hype because she got lonely. I look at all of the women who are enamored with him and they are all broken in some way-- including me. I was new to a city and lonely-- he took advantage. He attracts many women who are attention-starved and he uses that to pull them in. They feel like they've won a prize when all they've won is an insecure flirt with a gut who is surrounded by a bunch of female "friends" that he's slept with. No woman who truly loves herself would deal with that. I can't believe I wanted him. *cue Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had*

I'm taking a break from dating/men this year along with a celibacy and sobriety vow because I have a lot going on and don't need distractions. It is empowering! I've never paid this much attention to myself and it feels delightful. In the past when I've been single I filled my time with partying and casual relationships. I was also bitter and pushed people away because of it. I never did any self work. I'm taking a different approach this time. I've found joy in solitude and the removal of attachments. I've forgiven myself and moved on from the stupid stuff I've done. Thanks goodness no children came out of any of this! When the time comes to put myself back on the market, I can approach the dating process with more awareness. I've finally reclaimed my power.

But I ain't too enlightened to watch these fireworks...

Gurl You dodged several bullets there! Dang...

 

[JerriBlank]

UPDATE:
I've run into him a few times since my last post and we're cordial. I actually ran into him the other day and we had a quick chat then I bounced.

What made me bump this thread was the post I quoted above. He and his ex are dating again. She came back ready to settle down and wanting him to be her man and of course he jumped at the chance.

...and he's cheating on her with a couple of women. I personally know one of them (she's a waitress at my favorite spot), and she doesn't use protection with him . He did something to upset the side chick and just a few minutes ago she started posting some subliminal messages on FB and tagged his girlfriend. She used that upside down face emoji which y'all know means it is about to go down . His girlfriend (the young woman mentioned in the quote) has serious trust issues because her father cheated on and abandoned her mother. She finally let her guard down to give Fat Albert a chance and he returned to his dog ways. When she finds out, she will be devastated. It will ruin her. I feel bad for her but I'm soooo glad I'm not a part of this messiness and nonsense.

I'm moving to one of my dream cities at the end of Spring so I've been busy with preparing for my move. I'm in a yoga class, I've been squatting daily so I have that high and tight , and I have fully transitioned to clean eating. I'm working on doubling my income by the end of the year. I can say from a spiritual perspective that God was truly looking out for me with this one. I couldn't imagine dealing with foolishness right now and being distracted from my goals.

Looking back, my idea of "power" was completely wrong. I thought he had power, and I thought his girlfriend had power because he wanted her. I foolishly believed that a woman's power was in being able to hold the attention of a man. Not even. It's about being able to find happiness in solitude. It's about being so in love with and invested in yourself that the people in your life are bonuses and not necessities. You feel complete without them. This guy I thought was so powerful is very broken. He's a playboy because he's insecure and needs the constant attention of women to feel good about himself. He was never really into this woman, he was just waiting on his chance to break her-- and he got it. She wasn't powerful either. Her elusiveness was a result of trust issues and not self love. She allowed herself to fall for his hype because she got lonely. I look at all of the women who are enamored with him and they are all broken in some way-- including me. I was new to a city and lonely-- he took advantage. He attracts many women who are attention-starved and he uses that to pull them in. They feel like they've won a prize when all they've won is an insecure flirt with a gut who is surrounded by a bunch of female "friends" that he's slept with. No woman who truly loves herself would deal with that. I can't believe I wanted him. *cue Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had*

I'm taking a break from dating/men this year along with a celibacy and sobriety vow because I have a lot going on and don't need distractions. It is empowering! I've never paid this much attention to myself and it feels delightful. In the past when I've been single I filled my time with partying and casual relationships. I was also bitter and pushed people away because of it. I never did any self work. I'm taking a different approach this time. I've found joy in solitude and the removal of attachments. I've forgiven myself and moved on from the stupid stuff I've done. Thanks goodness no children came out of any of this! When the time comes to put myself back on the market, I can approach the dating process with more awareness. I've finally reclaimed my power.

But I ain't too enlightened to watch these fireworks...

I'm so happy for you! So proud of what you've accomplished! Spending more time with this broken man would have eroded your soul. Smh. It really was in your best interest to detach from him fully.
You sound like you're in an amazing place!

 

[lavaflow99]

UPDATE:
It's about being able to find happiness in solitude. It's about being so in love with and invested in yourself that the people in your life are bonuses and not necessities. You feel complete without them. This guy I thought was so powerful is very broken. He's a playboy because he's insecure and needs the constant attention of women to feel good about himself. He was never really into this woman, he was just waiting on his chance to break her-- and he got it. She wasn't powerful either. Her elusiveness was a result of trust issues and not self love. She allowed herself to fall for his hype because she got lonely. I look at all of the women who are enamored with him and they are all broken in some way-- including me. I was new to a city and lonely-- he took advantage. He attracts many women who are attention-starved and he uses that to pull them in. They feel like they've won a prize when all they've won is an insecure flirt with a gut who is surrounded by a bunch of female "friends" that he's slept with. No woman who truly loves herself would deal with that. I can't believe I wanted him. *cue Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had*

I'm taking a break from dating/men this year along with a celibacy and sobriety vow because I have a lot going on and don't need distractions. It is empowering! I've never paid this much attention to myself and it feels delightful. In the past when I've been single I filled my time with partying and casual relationships. I was also bitter and pushed people away because of it. I never did any self work. I'm taking a different approach this time. I've found joy in solitude and the removal of attachments. I've forgiven myself and moved on from the stupid stuff I've done. Thanks goodness no children came out of any of this! When the time comes to put myself back on the market, I can approach the dating process with more awareness. I've finally reclaimed my power.

But I ain't too enlightened to watch these fireworks...

And requoted, bolded, and underlined for emphasis for a second time. This is the most powerful statement I have heard in a long time. Well said and thank you for sharing your story. And yes for you getting your power back!!! 2017 is going to be your best year yet! You will help someone out there. I think I am going to add this quote to my list of memorable quotes.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

UPDATE:
I've run into him a few times since my last post and we're cordial. I actually ran into him the other day and we had a quick chat then I bounced.

What made me bump this thread was the post I quoted above. He and his ex are dating again. She came back ready to settle down and wanting him to be her man and of course he jumped at the chance.

...and he's cheating on her with a couple of women. I personally know one of them (she's a waitress at my favorite spot), and she doesn't use protection with him . He did something to upset the side chick and just a few minutes ago she started posting some subliminal messages on FB and tagged his girlfriend. She used that upside down face emoji which y'all know means it is about to go down . His girlfriend (the young woman mentioned in the quote) has serious trust issues because her father cheated on and abandoned her mother. She finally let her guard down to give Fat Albert a chance and he returned to his dog ways. When she finds out, she will be devastated. It will ruin her. I feel bad for her but I'm soooo glad I'm not a part of this messiness and nonsense.

I'm moving to one of my dream cities at the end of Spring so I've been busy with preparing for my move. I'm in a yoga class, I've been squatting daily so I have that high and tight , and I have fully transitioned to clean eating. I'm working on doubling my income by the end of the year. I can say from a spiritual perspective that God was truly looking out for me with this one. I couldn't imagine dealing with foolishness right now and being distracted from my goals.

Looking back, my idea of "power" was completely wrong. I thought he had power, and I thought his girlfriend had power because he wanted her. I foolishly believed that a woman's power was in being able to hold the attention of a man. Not even. It's about being able to find happiness in solitude. It's about being so in love with and invested in yourself that the people in your life are bonuses and not necessities. You feel complete without them. This guy I thought was so powerful is very broken. He's a playboy because he's insecure and needs the constant attention of women to feel good about himself. He was never really into this woman, he was just waiting on his chance to break her-- and he got it. She wasn't powerful either. Her elusiveness was a result of trust issues and not self love. She allowed herself to fall for his hype because she got lonely. I look at all of the women who are enamored with him and they are all broken in some way-- including me. I was new to a city and lonely-- he took advantage. He attracts many women who are attention-starved and he uses that to pull them in. They feel like they've won a prize when all they've won is an insecure flirt with a gut who is surrounded by a bunch of female "friends" that he's slept with. No woman who truly loves herself would deal with that. I can't believe I wanted him. *cue Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had*

I'm taking a break from dating/men this year along with a celibacy and sobriety vow because I have a lot going on and don't need distractions. It is empowering! I've never paid this much attention to myself and it feels delightful. In the past when I've been single I filled my time with partying and casual relationships. I was also bitter and pushed people away because of it. I never did any self work. I'm taking a different approach this time. I've found joy in solitude and the removal of attachments. I've forgiven myself and moved on from the stupid stuff I've done. Thanks goodness no children came out of any of this! When the time comes to put myself back on the market, I can approach the dating process with more awareness. I've finally reclaimed my power.

But I ain't too enlightened to watch these fireworks...

This is AMAZING! Congrats sis, I'm working on my own empowerment and you've definitely inspired me. I do worry out my age and wonder if I have time to wait and if me taking out time for myself will prevent The One coming in my life. Did you have similar thoughts? If you did, how didyou quiet these thoughts?

 

[hot_pepper96]

UPDATE:
I've run into him a few times since my last post and we're cordial. I actually ran into him the other day and we had a quick chat then I bounced.

What made me bump this thread was the post I quoted above. He and his ex are dating again. She came back ready to settle down and wanting him to be her man and of course he jumped at the chance.

...and he's cheating on her with a couple of women. I personally know one of them (she's a waitress at my favorite spot), and she doesn't use protection with him . He did something to upset the side chick and just a few minutes ago she started posting some subliminal messages on FB and tagged his girlfriend. She used that upside down face emoji which y'all know means it is about to go down . His girlfriend (the young woman mentioned in the quote) has serious trust issues because her father cheated on and abandoned her mother. She finally let her guard down to give Fat Albert a chance and he returned to his dog ways. When she finds out, she will be devastated. It will ruin her. I feel bad for her but I'm soooo glad I'm not a part of this messiness and nonsense.

I'm moving to one of my dream cities at the end of Spring so I've been busy with preparing for my move. I'm in a yoga class, I've been squatting daily so I have that high and tight , and I have fully transitioned to clean eating. I'm working on doubling my income by the end of the year. I can say from a spiritual perspective that God was truly looking out for me with this one. I couldn't imagine dealing with foolishness right now and being distracted from my goals.

Looking back, my idea of "power" was completely wrong. I thought he had power, and I thought his girlfriend had power because he wanted her. I foolishly believed that a woman's power was in being able to hold the attention of a man. Not even. It's about being able to find happiness in solitude. It's about being so in love with and invested in yourself that the people in your life are bonuses and not necessities. You feel complete without them. This guy I thought was so powerful is very broken. He's a playboy because he's insecure and needs the constant attention of women to feel good about himself. He was never really into this woman, he was just waiting on his chance to break her-- and he got it. She wasn't powerful either. Her elusiveness was a result of trust issues and not self love. She allowed herself to fall for his hype because she got lonely. I look at all of the women who are enamored with him and they are all broken in some way-- including me. I was new to a city and lonely-- he took advantage. He attracts many women who are attention-starved and he uses that to pull them in. They feel like they've won a prize when all they've won is an insecure flirt with a gut who is surrounded by a bunch of female "friends" that he's slept with. No woman who truly loves herself would deal with that. I can't believe I wanted him. *cue Beyonce's Best Thing I Never Had*

I'm taking a break from dating/men this year along with a celibacy and sobriety vow because I have a lot going on and don't need distractions. It is empowering! I've never paid this much attention to myself and it feels delightful. In the past when I've been single I filled my time with partying and casual relationships. I was also bitter and pushed people away because of it. I never did any self work. I'm taking a different approach this time. I've found joy in solitude and the removal of attachments. I've forgiven myself and moved on from the stupid stuff I've done. Thanks goodness no children came out of any of this! When the time comes to put myself back on the market, I can approach the dating process with more awareness. I've finally reclaimed my power.

But I ain't too enlightened to watch these fireworks...

Thank you for this post! I so hope I can get to this place. You filled me with so much inspiration today.

 

[Ayesha81]

Just create yourself. Create the life you want and move forward.

 

[SurferBabe]

This is AMAZING! Congrats sis, I'm working on my own empowerment and you've definitely inspired me. I do worry out my age and wonder if I have time to wait and if me taking out time for myself will prevent The One coming in my life. Did you have similar thoughts? If you did, how didyou quiet these thoughts?

Of course I had similar thoughts. But I had to remind myself that I spent over a year actively searching for love and I didn't find it. It is time to try something different. I'm taking a year off because I want to, but I don't think that amount of time is necessary for everyone. I think most women who get high on quick and heavy love affairs the way I do need to take some time to detach from the expectation of idealized love.

For me it is more spiritual. Lately I've been learning about the divine feminine and goddess energy and I'm trying to channel some of that into my life. By default, feminine energy is creative, calm, patient, and detached. We've been programmed to believe that women are clingy and emotionally unstable by nature. We only become that way when we form attachments. Women have always been elusive and coquettish which is why historically men were obsessed with us to the point of ruin. I'm re-reading Venus in Furs and it talks about this in the opening. Two men talk about the pain of a man's obsession with women-- how a man is forced to choose between a goddess-like woman who will make him her slave, or a good girl who will happily serve him but who he will come to resent. He resents her because once a woman allows a man to have power over her, he cannot control himself and he goes too far. Masculine energy is destructive by nature, thus men cannot be allowed to rule with absolute power over anything, especially women. Here is a quote directly from the book:

"There is no equality in love," I replied solemnly. "Whenever it is a matter of choice for me of ruling or being ruled, it seems much more satisfactory to me to be the slave of a beautiful woman. But where shall I find the woman who knows how to rule, calmly, full of self-confidence, even harshly, and not seek to gain her power by means of petty nagging?

We really are powerful. The key to tapping into this power is detachment. I have some more thoughts on this that I'll come back and share.

 

[theRaven]

@ArcticFemme

I love your updated posts! It's so funny you mention Venus in Furs, an ex mentioned the book to me but I never finished it. Someone else mentioned a rock band that had a song named Venus in Furs. I'm definitely going to finish this book now. I love your interpretation and real life analysis of it.

 

[caribeandiva]

*adding Venus in Furs to my books of must reads this week*