How Do I get him to Open Up?

[brownsugarbaby]

So I have a friend who I used to talk to. While we were talking I never thought we were serious or exclusive so I didnt treat it like it was. Granted I may have messed up my chances of being with him but there's something about him that won't let me go. I met him through my childhood best friend who is his best friend. He tells me all the time that my 'crush' has feelings for me and often refers to him as my boyfriend. So I hadn't talked to him in a while and decided to say something to him. I simply told him that I missed him and didn't get much of a response. He then said that he didnt understand me because I put on a front in front of everyone and then I turn around and say something like that. Of course I'm confused so I asked him what he meant. Then thats when it happened, he shut down and said no more. I am beyond intrigued by this guy and something tells me the feeling is mutual but how do i get him to open up to me.

 

[caribgirl]

Men can be so hard to read but I think that you need to start being friends again by communicating regularly about things other than how he feels about you (asking him about his day, his family, etc ) and eventually getting his confidence again. Go out together and watch his body language. His ego seems bruised and you wil have to get pass that. Don't worry, if he truly has feelings for you and he wants you in his life, and when he is comfortable he'll open up to you-he won't let you get away. Keep us posted!

 

[brownsugarbaby]

thank you caribgirl
- i appreciate your advice. he can be so difficult sometimes and what makes it harder is that i become sooo shy when i get around him. but i will definitely keep you all posted. thanx again

 

[Syrah]

So I have a friend who I used to talk to. While we were talking I never thought we were serious or exclusive so I didnt treat it like it was. Granted I may have messed up my chances of being with him but there's something about him that won't let me go. I met him through my childhood best friend who is his best friend. He tells me all the time that my 'crush' has feelings for me and often refers to him as my boyfriend. So I hadn't talked to him in a while and decided to say something to him. I simply told him that I missed him and didn't get much of a response. He then said that he didnt understand me because I put on a front in front of everyone and then I turn around and say something like that. Of course I'm confused so I asked him what he meant. Then thats when it happened, he shut down and said no more. I am beyond intrigued by this guy and something tells me the feeling is mutual but how do i get him to open up to me.

...By opening up to him.

And beyond that point - I don't know. Folks open up when they feel comfortable and at different times in a relationship.

Men aren't like jars that you can bang on the counter top a couple o' times to loosen up the lid. And then !POP! off it comes. And folks have different reasons for why they're not open. Some may have been hurt in relationships in the past. Others may not have EVER been comfortable opening up (since childhood).

On the flip side - I'd be careful what you ask for. When he does open up, you have to be prepared for WHATEVER he may decide to let you in on. Because one "wrong" (I say wrong in quotes only because I couldn't think of another word for it) reaction and he may slam that lid shut again.

...the older I get the more I realize why people go to shrinks. It's not cause folks are crazy (although there are some crazy ones out there) - it's because sometimes the ONLY way to get people to listen to what you're saying and not what they want to hear, or what they think you're saying, is to pay them...$400 an hour...to sit and nod their head and every so often say "and why do you ______".

 

[brownsugarbaby]

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[BK Bombshell]

My advice is stop trying to get him to open up. People will open up only when they feel safe. If he's feeling pressured (and from your posts, it sounds like you're pressuring him), he's more likely to shut down. I know it doesn't feel like you're pressuring him, after all you just want an answer, but if you keep asking and he's not answering, let it go for now. Focus on having fun with him and when he's ready, he'll talk to you.

 

[czyfaith77]

So I have a friend who I used to talk to. While we were talking I never thought we were serious or exclusive so I didnt treat it like it was. Granted I may have messed up my chances of being with him but there's something about him that won't let me go. I met him through my childhood best friend who is his best friend. He tells me all the time that my 'crush' has feelings for me and often refers to him as my boyfriend. So I hadn't talked to him in a while and decided to say something to him. I simply told him that I missed him and didn't get much of a response. He then said that he didnt understand me because I put on a front in front of everyone and then I turn around and say something like that. Of course I'm confused so I asked him what he meant. Then thats when it happened, he shut down and said no more. I am beyond intrigued by this guy and something tells me the feeling is mutual but how do i get him to open up to me.

Maybe it's putting you out there but tell him what you told us. Tell him thta is sending conflicting messages and it is confusing and that you are simply saying what you feel you need to say for the sake of clarity.

 

[czyfaith77]

...By opening up to him.

And beyond that point - I don't know. Folks open up when they feel comfortable and at different times in a relationship.

Men aren't like jars that you can bang on the counter top a couple o' times to loosen up the lid. And then !POP! off it comes. And folks have different reasons for why they're not open. Some may have been hurt in relationships in the past. Others may not have EVER been comfortable opening up (since childhood).

On the flip side - I'd be careful what you ask for. When he does open up, you have to be prepared for WHATEVER he may decide to let you in on. Because one "wrong" (I say wrong in quotes only because I couldn't think of another word for it) reaction and he may slam that lid shut again.

...the older I get the more I realize why people go to shrinks. It's not cause folks are crazy (although there are some crazy ones out there) - it's because sometimes the ONLY way to get people to listen to what you're saying and not what they want to hear, or what they think you're saying, is to pay them...$400 an hour...to sit and nod their head and every so often say "and why do you ______".

Feel ya..I agree

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

My advice is stop trying to get him to open up. People will open up only when they feel safe. If he's feeling pressured (and from your posts, it sounds like you're pressuring him), he's more likely to shut down. I know it doesn't feel like you're pressuring him, after all you just want an answer, but if you keep asking and he's not answering, let it go for now. Focus on having fun with him and when he's ready, he'll talk to you.

I couldn't agree more. Especially with the parts in bold above.

I've been in a similar situation too, and I've learned from experience that with guys, it's better to just let them "come around" instead of pressuring them to talk with you about a specific thing. I think maybe pressuring and probing and prying will sometimes work more with girls and women, but with men.... That is a no-no! LOL!

I think the best thing to do is just to open YOURSELF more to him, and SHOW him (instead of telling him) how you feel about him. Men respond/understand actions better than words anyway. I think that when/if you spend more time with him doing fun things, he'll eventually open up more. You'll gain more of his trust. In fact, most people (especially if they're shy) tend to clam up and shut down even MORE when they feel pressured to talk. I know I used to...and I'm a female!

Can I ask though what he meant by you would put up a "front" with him around everyone else?? Because from what you've said so far, it almost sounds as if he really liked you, but was getting mixed signals from you. If this is true, I'm not surprised if he feels hurt/embarrassed/upset and is afraid to trust you again. Just a thought... I could be wrong though.