How Can I ever learn to love these naps?

[roxydeegee]

I am at an all time full blown Hate on my own hair point in my journey right now. I am not seeing enough pay off in enduring this "Growing MY own hair out" sh*T ! My hair has always been 23 different kinds of whack. It doesn't adhere to any concept of beauty to me. It's fine, its nappy and it has the most awful dead looking color I've ever seen. I have been hennaing my hair since 9/2010 to deal with the graying hairline.

I started my journey 4/2010. Basically that is a high falutin' way of saying i stopped doing the sew ins, the kiddie perms because I wanted to try to come to a better relationship with the hair on my own head.

(in the past i have been noted as saying, all my hair is good for is to attach a weave to it)

But then my cousin started on this natural hair kick and i was like sure, I'll give it a whirl because i knew inherently that i have a fu*ked up relationship with my own hair, and, if at 44 yrs of age, I still couldn't love all parts of myself, that sh*t needed to be corrected and fast - you know what i mean? So i started this journey with that in mind, It is time to learn to love all of my self - including this f&ckin' hair. And a year and some weeks into this "journey" (hellish torturous horrible, dark night of the soul trip) I still have a f*cked up relationship with my hair.

Lately, for 2 days (and lemme tell you that was all i could do because i totally looked like Florida Evans from Good Times) i tried that Wash and GO crap - and this is when my hair broke me on down like a Transformer. I'm sitting here, with tears welling up in my eyes - anger radiating from me in waves - and a sense of let down and sorrow towards myself because I can't seem to F*ckin' love my own hair. that seems to be an impossibility.

I have been reading this forum, other forums, watching YouTubes. Bought this stuff and that stuff. I mean truthfully my hair is softer and more pliable than ever before. Prior to this trip, it was barbed wire that cut my hand. But it still looks f*cked up. I mean i am a braid out/twist fan. And i have tried to rock wigs during these hatred sessions with my hair, but i keep coming back to this attitude that has endured to now my almost 46th year (come august) and I'm getting a little bit tired y'all.

Wigs, break off my hairline. Just like 20 yrs of weaves did. So I have no choice. I can't do perms. I had to big cut all my hair off in 2002. I met my husband during my real Florida Evans stage and that was cool. He made me feel like the most beautiful and sexiest ****** alive , he loved me naps and all. I thank him for that. But deep down in the soul area, (maybe the soles) this friggen journey is whipping my ***. I know he's looking down from heaven and saying Hey BabyGirl, its about damn time you rocked your natural hair ! But dayum, people just don't know....He never understood the hair trip that black women go thru. I wish that I could look into the mirror and see that I am not my hair. I wish that my hair was acceptable to me. But i guess the win is when there are days that I do like my hair. Maybe its a game of inches. That maybe i can love it 5 days out of the week. Then move on up to 10 days in the month. Maybe some wondrous day, I will like my hair 300 days of the year. It's wild, its crazy...but maybe?
But meanwhile, on days like this, (and quite frankly while i'm quietly lockstepping with the other natural hair people - enduring this week's hair tip, seeing this hair growth maven tout this recipe made from the powder of the african rhino's hoof, and this twig elixir with that promises the Rudy Huxtable hair of my dreams - Maybe it is just that i need to see more people who look like me, with their hair texture that is like mine, blasting all over the media? Is that what it takes to get me to love my own hair? So i'm gonna blast my photo on here. Maybe it will help another sistah out who's feeling just as twisted as me this day. Peace y'all - imma go meditate , ciao
<table style="width:auto;"><tr><td><a href="https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/jgsgMSilq4dtqScH9OuovO2K-QCPaVGqDtfQQVBU_mc?feat=embedwebsite"><img src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/_y5lBJ-CVtkI/TdBIWznFT5I/AAAAAAAAAGQ/OVm_YH3ebp8/s144/florida%20evans%20copy.png" height="144" width="144" /></a></td></tr><tr><td style="font-family:arial,sans-serif; font-size:11px; text-align:right">From <a href="https://picasaweb.google.com/101821600477763338420/MyHairDistress?authkey=Gv1sRgCJCZ5_vYx8fdcA&feat=embedwebsite">my hair distress</a></td></tr></table>

Anyway, thanks for listening.

https://picasaweb.google.com/101821...?authkey=Gv1sRgCJCZ5_vYx8fdcA&feat=directlink

 

[pookaloo83]

I think you just aren't comfortable with your length. I hid my hair at the stage you are in with braids:

Until I was more comfortable mentally and physically. Now I rock my hair 24/7. Don't try to jump on any bandwagons. Listen to your hair and do what works for you.

 

[LovingLady]

I am sorry that you dislike your hair, but I love your honestly.

What are you currently doing with your hair?

 

[naturalmanenyc]

What an honest post!!! I have a good friend going through the same thing, except she has cut off all of her hair a couple of times (4b) and most recently texturized (twice) and now is cutting that off too since it got too big.

I have come to realize that not everyone loves their hair, they just deal with it. It's not just African Americans, for example, brunette's dye their hair blonde, curly girls get Japanese straightening, Asian people get afro texture treatments etc.

If you decide to change up your current regimen, you should take a look at this youtuber:
http://youtu.be/Tkzt_JE7caU

 

[Wanderland]

I wanted to publicly thank you for your honesty in this post.

 

[Rei]

I'd say look at others for inspiration but honestly that never helped me. All it did was cement my own dissatisfaction in "well why can't my hair look like that' (even if they were the same ol' 4b texture as me)

All I can say is experiment. It's ok to not like your hair, despite the kumbaya attitude of most of the natural hair movement. Lots of people don't like their hair. But its yours and you've gotta work with it so make the best of what you have.

 

[bride91501]

Let me first say I saw your thread title and was like erplexed, ready to judge. But you have such a way with words. Gritty. Honestly raw. So, you softened me up

I think you hit the nail on the head....you take it 1 minute or 1 hour or 1 day at a time, whatever you can handle right now. Frequent YT, this forum, natural blogs, magazines, anywhere you can find other kinky haired fly sisters, particularly those with your type and length. If you do this consistently enough, I promise you it gets better.

Like pookaloo83 and you too I suspect, I'm a 4b, and I also hid my hair in a weave immediately following my BC. Its texture was so foreign to me, I was admittedly overwhelmed. Now, almost 1 year later, I wish I'd had the maturity to give myself the advice I'm now giving to you. I actually miss my little kinky fro.

Give it some time and love. It'll grow on you, I promise

 

[Tiye]

You were honest, now I'll be honest - forty something is too old to be wanting the hair that Rudy Huxtable had over 25 years ago. Keisha Knight Pulliam does not have that hair anymore. If she's not crying over the hair she had when she was like 5 then you shouldn't be sad coz you don't have it. Set realistic goals for your hair and you'll be a lot happier.

Suggestions:

- Try henna + indigo and throw in some ayurvedic herbs while you're at it. If you want darker, shinier hair these herbs will help you get it. And they're safe to use as much as you want. Search this board for the thread. It has all the info you need.

- Wash n gos/shake n gos - unless you want a neat twa, then forget about them. Not every hairstyle is suitable for every hair type. Wash n shake is best for people with type threeish hair that's at least shoulder length. Type 4b coiled hair shrinks a lot when wet so unless you have hair to your waist there isn't a whole lot to shake.

- Youtube hair tutorials can be entertaining but you have to watch them with an understanding that no two heads of hair are alike. What so and so does on camera works for her - maybe - or maybe she just wants clicks/viewers - but either way her techniques don't have to work for you.

Just my 2.5 cents. Be happy, you're here and you've got hair. Enjoy what you have and don't take it for granted.

 

[mzteaze]

OP, lord knows I have been there. Being a natural AND style challenged are just two things that feel like an insurmountable mountain. Plus it doesn't help if your vision is Rapunzle-like hair and the reality in the mirror is non-straight, curly texture that SEEMS difficult to deal with.

What helped me was to set hair based goals. I looked at your pictures and it seems like a few things are going on - all of which can be remedied. But none of the suggestions and solutions will help if you don't learn to love what you have. What has seemed to help some people is to simply accept what grows out of their scalp, texture and all. If all else fails and you simply realize that natural curly/kinky hair isn't cutting it for you - you still have options. Thats the wonderful thing about being black women - we ALWAYS got options for our hair.

So with a little self-love for your hair, set a few attainable goals whether it is growth or simply learning a few manageable styles as you grow out. If you haven't done so, consider taking a break from your curls and get your hair flat ironed or roller set. Sometimes all it takes is to realize just how flexible our hair is.

 

[Roux]

himay10nence is that you?

 

[Napp]

well i have a similar issue with my natural texture hair. no matter how hard i try i just dont like it. i understand why i should like it but the feeling is not there.

im open to it in the future but for now i have just accepted that its not going to happen. yes there are just some of us who have the knowledge but the feeling is just not there.

 

[tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT]

himay10nence is that you?

:scratchch:scratchch

 

[RegaLady]

well i have a similar issue with my natural texture hair. no matter how hard i try i just dont like it. i understand why i should like it but the feeling is not there.

im open to it in the future but for now i have just accepted that its not going to happen. yes there are just some of us who have the knowledge but the feeling is just not there.

My mother is the same way with her 4a/b natural TBL hair. Its gawgeous, and many women here and on the street would do anything for hair like hers. So she hides it under wigs, which while it helped to grow her hair, it was a hide it from everyone. I never got thaterplexed. She recently tried to wear it out and admitted to me that she hates her hair and texture. Its just possible that people just don't like their hair.

 

[ceecy29]

Let me first say I saw your thread title and was like erplexed, ready to judge. But you have such a way with words. Gritty. Honestly raw. So, you softened me up

I think you hit the nail on the head....you take it 1 minute or 1 hour or 1 day at a time, whatever you can handle right now. Frequent YT, this forum, natural blogs, magazines, anywhere you can find other kinky haired fly sisters, particularly those with your type and length. If you do this consistently enough, I promise you it gets better.

Like pookaloo83 and you too I suspect, I'm a 4b, and I also hid my hair in a weave immediately following my BC. Its texture was so foreign to me, I was admittedly overwhelmed. Now, almost 1 year later, I wish I'd had the maturity to give myself the advice I'm now giving to you. I actually miss my little kinky fro.

Give it some time and love. It'll grow on you, I promise

@the bolded, I agree. Haha! I had fun replacing the curse words.

Anyway OP, I certainly don't love my hair everyday. Like others have said, it can take some time to figure things out. Infact, I've been three years into the game and I believe (fingers crossed) that just last week, I finally found a product that moisturizes my hair. Yup! You read right, 3 years.

All that to say, take it slow and experiment but some things are an obvious no go with certain 4b hair. I just always knew that I could never get away with a wash and go. I know that if I have to do a twist out, I can't get away with 6 measly braids/twists like a lot of girls on YouTube. I need more twists and more product than that for better definition. I had to learn by experimenting. A lot of the time, my hair surprises me with what it can do.

Here's a picture of my hair.

This is not an everyday occurrence but I do appreciate the times when everything falls in place and I can step out with a gorgeous (to me, anyway) head of 4b hair. For every other time, there's a messy ponytail or some Celie braids to walk out the house in, head held high no less.

 

[Nonie]

I am sorry that you dislike your hair, but I love your honestly.

What are you currently doing with your hair?

(((OP))), I love your hair too! It looks soft and fluffy and reminds me of my own hair after I had gotten over the shock of a BC I didn't ask for that took me from SL to TWA (about 5+ inches down the drain at the hands of a SHS), I went through a few days of trying out different products as leave-ins, that my friend sent me...and among them was S Curl. It was then that I discovered my holy grail, and I couldn't get enough of the fluffy soft cloud my hair formed. I see the same in your hair, albeit yours isn't shaped into a dome, but it's there alright.

Here are pics of my hair at that time:

Every night I would plait it in as big plaits as I could get it in, and then put on a baggy. In the morning it'd comb out with such ease and it'd just form the afro because the wetness would make it coil.

I don't like WNGs. I never did them coz just the thought of them spelled tangles and problems. I wish you lived near me, I'd help you see the beauty I see.

If your regimen is tedious, then it is understandable why you'd be fed up. pookaloo83 made a good point about putting the hair away. I enjoyed my TWA stage but I am as lazy as they come. And after a while I didn't feel like styling my hair day in, day out. So I put braids in. I'm fortunate because I can do my own extension braids and the benefit of extensions was I could whip them into a style in a jiffy or just do nothing and not look crazy. I did redo one at a time as needed and thus maintain my hair and I'd trim the ends when I thought of it. Being in braids also meant I could forget about my hair. And in that time, it grew so that I could sport a puff further back on my head:

What is your regimen? I have the laziest regimen there is and so my hair never feels like a chore. Perhaps having a simple regimen can help? I keep leaving my PC while typing this so I don't know if this is redundant question, but if it hasn't been asked and you haven't done so yet, OP can you share your regimen?

 

[prettynatural]

When I cut my locks off in 07, I wore half wigs until my hair was the length I felt comfortable wearing twists and twists outs. Hang in there.
I think for us in general, it is really hard when people around us have different texture of hair. It takes a lot of reconditioning and just accepting our hair as is and rocking it. Most people say when they accepted their hair as is, is when there hair took off. We all have bad hair days and I will rock a wig in a heartbeat if I am not feeling my hair. It's okay.

To answer your question, yes you can learn to love your naps but in order to do that you have to accept what you have and how it comes. Don't compare your hair to someone elses hair. HTH

 

[bride91501]

A little OT (but maybe it can help the OP)- ceecy29 what is this mystery moisturizer?! It took you long enough...lol

 

[BraunSugar]

It took me 9 months to figure out wash & gos. Sometimes they still piss me off. You got some good advice here. All the best to you.

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G using T-Mobile myTouch 3G

 

[ceecy29]

A little OT (but maybe it can help the OP)- ceecy29 what is this mystery moisturizer?! It took you long enough...lol

Oh oops! Pardon my manners. I just didn't want to name drop on products, I wanted to keep with the theme of my post that the OP need to find what works and realize that she may encounter many let downs.

Anyhoo!!! It's the Shea moisture organic raw shea butter deep treatment masque with sea kelp, argan oil and shea butter. Phew! Lol

 

[Junebug D]

I have come to realize that not everyone loves their hair, they just deal with it.

This. Mine is awful too. I've been relaxed, natural, texturized, bald, braided, weaved, wigged, and pressed and it's awful in every state I just deal with it and try to do the best with it that I can. You don't have to *love* your hair, you just have to accept it and deal with it the best you can. Set some realistic goals for yourself and work on accomplishing them, even if it is just to get to shoulder length or even to just find ONE hairstyle that you feel good wearing everyday.

 

[MaryJane3000]

It's okay OP, I completely understand what you're saying. I had transitioned for 7 months just to relax my hair because I was soo frustrated with my hair. IMO I don't have a hair type. i even cut off the relaxed hair at the nape to see. My hair had no pattern whatsoever. It was tightly packed or really course and it didn't look like any 4b, 4a, or 3c or 3bs I've seen on this board. It was just puffy and really soft with no real curl pattern and I had no idea how it would look grown out. I couldn't do anything with my hair and I was tired of it puffing up at the roots whenever i went out and I was tired of looking crazy all the time. So i relaxed it and then I immediately regretted it and wanted my kooky hair back. I say this to say that whatever decision you choose make sure it's one thats logical and not made out of frustration. We all have those awkward lengths and stages so maybe your hair is just experiencing this right now. I wish i was more patient with my hair and tried to work with it instead of against it. I'm sure there's lot of ladies and threads on here that can help you find styling options.

 

[choctaw]

Consider an upgrade from co-washing to ayurvedic oil rinses. Dabur Vatika is a good inexpensive ayurvedic oil to begin with. Castor oil is excellent and available at any pharmacy. If you choose castor oil, saturate oiled hair with hot water and give the conditioner some time to soak in before detangling with shower comb.

Check out the henna threads and consider increasing or tweaking your henna treatments. The curl activators make great moisturizers. You got a nice head of hair, Baby Girl ... don't give up.

 

[Kiki0130]

roxydeegee I just don't know what to say that hasn't already been said.

I just wanted to offer you a


(and Nonie, I never get tired of seeing your progress pics!)

 

[reeko43]

This is one of the best posts I have read since I have been on this forum. Talk about keeping it real, I love it. That being said, I think that it is unfortunate that one of the travesties of the natural hair movement is that many have tried to take away our freedom to dislike our natural hair. As naturalmanenyc pointed out, women in all races have a dislike for their hair and try to alter it to something more to their liking. A Black woman who dislikes her natural hair is a sell out to the White man. I am sure that there are others who feel like you do for whatever reason and are too intimidated to even admit it.

I actually see nothing wrong with your hair; but, I am not the one who has to deal with it. I have all kinds of issues with my own thin hair. I personally like Noni's hair. I think she really does beautiful things with her hair.

I can also understand where you are coming from because there is not a lot of love for thin hair or 4b unless it is down to your butt crack or as thick as 5 heads of hair. You can tell that by the hair pictures that get the most likes and oohs and ahhs. None of the women who people have hair crushes on have hair that looks like yours or mine for that matter. Is there any wonder that you would want hair like someone else?

I think that you have gotten great advise here. It is great that your husband was so positive about your hair. I hope something works out for you so that you can feel better about your hair. Thanks for the post.

 

[mischka]

Honestly, I think if it gets to this point where you feel like you can't deal with your hair at all, maybe it's better for your mental health or self image if you relax or texturize.

 

[Geminigirl]

himay10nence is that you?

no you didn't insult op like that. Even though I lol'd at the randomness, if that was her there would be more, hell she doesn't put here thoughts together like this.

I don't have much to say except I agree with pook about the length, maybe braid it up and you will be pleasently surprised at the length and what you can do once you stop looking at it, and focusing on it everyday.

Droid typing leads to typos for me

 

[Sesi]

What is wrong with Florida Evans' hair?

 

[Nonie]

Sesi, I love Florida Evans' hair myself. It's the sort of afro I try to emulate. It is like the Bernie Mac 'fro that I consider perfect.

 

[Napp]

What is wrong with Florida Evans' hair?

not too many people can pull off the florida evans look and be sexy at the same time....


i dont even think florida did....

 

[keepithealthy]

I still consider myself new at this hair thang. But I want to say that I hope things get better for you. I'm happy you were able to be honest.