How About a "Never Settle" Challenge for 2009?!

[Lyoness]

I'm in!

Probably easy for me cos since my ex (who I settled for) I've been so stush and not entertained the idea of giving my number to anybody.. If I do meet someone worthwhile I'll be sure to get their CV to you for approval (",)

 

[FlawedBeauty]

it just gets sooooo lonnnneeellyyy lol

...you and I both know there are some ladies who are checking their cell phones every 15 minutes for a text message/voice mail for a dude they're not 100% sold on...

 

[htown2DAboot]

I'm DEF in...I'm tired of whining about getting my time back that I wasted because I SETTLED...Plus I deserve all the things I'm asking for from a guy in return...That's my motto for 2009....I deserve it, so why not?

 

[NappturalWomyn]

I'm in. I am too old to be wasting time on bum arse dudes. I learned from my past dating errors, and no longer will I settle. I would rather than be alone than tied down with some bum arse dude and a Jared ring....nope, not me.

 

[Nightingale]

I've been working on this and I've met a really great man. We'll see how it goes. Whether or not it works out, I'm not settling from now on!

 

[Ms Red]

I'm in and it's right on time.

Yes, I have settled in the past but I stopped. I'm too good to settle for less than how I should be treated. If he cannot treat me as well or better than what I expect, NEXT.

I can now appreciate when a man shows me who he is (a commitment phobe, a womanizer, a fake Christian, a pornography addict, not marriage-minded etc. etc.) because it allows me to weed them out quickly and move on. NEXT!!!

 

[BrittanyH26]

I'm definitely in this challenge.

I've settled numerous times. Some just showed at the right time, but I knew they were no good for me or I could never take them to meet my mom!

This year, I will not..... just date any guy. He has to have some potential to him.

 

[nappystorm]

I need to join this

 

[Mejayt]

I am guilty of giving way too much of myself to someone who was not willing to give any of himself to me. I have wasted much time on the possibility of something and ignoring the reality of what it is. For the new year I plan to stop entertaining foolishness, love myself more, and not waste anymore time on things that are not going to benefit me in the long run.

 

[Mik]

Every woman needs to sign up for this train of thought. Single or not. Why should anyone settle. There are far too many who do, even married women. If a man is no longer pulling his weight in a relationship, no longer taking care of his responsibilities (kids, home, etc.) why should she settle for that for life?

How am I defining settling: where mutual expectations are not being met. What one woman expects may not be what another woman expects.

Ladies, don't think this is only for single women. Every woman needs to set her standards and hold HERSELF to them. For life.

I subscribed to that train of thought years ago. I don't care how great he is on paper, how great my friends think he is, how much money he makes, if certain conditions are not met BY MY STANDARDS, I start planning my exit strategy.

My standards/expectation:

Christian (always seeking to strengthen his relationship with God)

openness (open about mutual expectations, past life events, and current activities)

inclusion (partaking in social activites with friends/family, including me in life goals)

communicator (regularly communicates so as to set expectations accordingly)

helpmate (assistance where possible with life events)

provider (ability to take care of a family)

commitment (forsaking all others and cleaving to one woman)

ambition (always seeking new ways to challenge/improve oneself)


These are just a few that are important to me. I challenge each woman to write down what is important to her.

Oh...don't have meeting your family and friends when he is introducing you to no one. I learned that too years ago. One guy didn't meet a soul...and neither did I. Kept it moving...

I'm in as well.

When I was 11 or 12 I made a list of 100 things that I would expect from my ideal mate. I found it a few months ago and realized that I could have avoided every crappy relationship I've ever had if I had stuck to my list!

I myself am guilty of settling for half-*** relationships just to have someone around to lift the heavy boxes. I am resolving right here and now, in from of God and LCHF and everybody that I will not do this anymore.

I'd rather be sigle for the rest of my life than settle for less than what I am worth.

 

[Duchesse]

I'm in!

Sadly, every man I've ever dated I've settled for one thing or another..now ain't that a darned shame. But I think I've finally learned my lesson...that I am worth it. My self-esteem is higher now and I'm ready for a next level relationship.

So if he smells like a user,sexual addict, flake, druggy, broke and lacking ambition, he will get no love. I'm finally over my "give him a chance, he's not that bad" phase, and I'm not going to be stupid and not give an actually good man a chance.

 

[aja1121]

I'm in! Our lease is up in March and I will be long gone!!! I can't wait, I'm actually excited.

 

[Rapunzel*]

im in i must admit i settled in all my relationships especially my last


did he have a job? NOPE was in prison with a felony but i gave a negro a chance but he never went back to dealing and no one didnt want to hire him with a record like his(sometimes i wish he would have had some money stashed away then he wouldnt have been a broke mf)
did he have a car? YES, but i helped him with gas my this was my fault
now tell me why after i broke up with him he got a high paying job?

i been through hell and back but, ive learned not to settle since jan 2008 and have been single since.

what i have now that i didnt have in 2007 was:
self respect
self worth
the ability to say no and not being pressured to do things that weren't my way
wisdom
experience
spending money(having my son and him was like having 2 kids)

ive learned a lot and my dream guy aka husband to be will
love God
put me first
respect me and my ds
have a career
have good/excellent credit
have never been in prison
either have no children or one at the most
wait until marriage for relations
be educated hopefully have his BA OR MASTERS
be focused on bettering himself and working with his stepson and myself

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I'm tired of compalining about the fact that I have no man and nobody to go out with. 2009 I will go out by myself if I gotta go. I will enjoy college and stop sleepign in my room or on LHCF on lonely nights. I will completely cut off all of the men in my life right now because they all emotionally drain me, and I will focus on becoming a better person to attract positivity my way

 

[Shay72]

I'm in...
I realized that I was settling and left...

This is exactly where I'm at. This was our 2nd time around. First time 8 years. This time 3 years. Same ish different day.

I've always settled. In every relationship or pseudo relationship I've had I've settled.

I realized it when the last time he was over here every single thing that he did got on my last nerve.

2009 is the start of my evolution.

 

[asubeauty]

I'm in!

I settled with the last idiot I dealt with. Everytime I would ask him to be considerate or have enough integrity to do what he always promised, he would say that he's not ready for a relationship that serious. You have to be in a serious relationship to be a decent human being? Once I realized that I had to ASK this fool to respect me, I was long gone.

 

[esoterica]

I plan to remain single for 2009 anyway so i'm all in.

 

[Makenzie]

Quick note for the ladies making new changes:

GET READY. Be prepared...because you will be tested like you would not believe. I thought I was going to do my little healing and then get mentally & emotionally prepared and then sit pretty waiting for the one and only. Nope...my mental and emotional health has attracted some other men - ex-boyfriends, wanna be boyfriends, losers, he's great but not for me winners - MEN have come out of nowhere. I have had to stay conscious of what I want and need and what is right for ME. I have gotten some offers that were hard to turn down, but I knew full well that those were from Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right.

I think you have to get to a point where you decide that it's more important to be in an orderly and mature relationship (that leads to marriage, if that's what you want) than to just have something. Fragments of a relationship are no relationship at all. You also have to esteem yourself to a place that no one can coax you from...a place where you love yourself and respect others.

So, decide from the beginning what you will and will not do, and HONOR it. Your self-respect is riding on it. Don't bend the rules for him since he has/is tall, dark, handsome, light, rich, got good hair, got no hair, got braids, has no kids, drives a Bentley, owns a mansion, is well dressed, smells good, is about to make partner, brought you roses on the date, has letters after or before his name, told you your braidout was cute, made you feel like you never felt before, has a large vocabulary, seems like a nice guy (they're all nice in the beginning...)...

because you will hear and see it ALL. And that's how we fall for the okey doke. Decide on the musts, must nots and maybes waaaay before hand and be steadfast.

He must come to you. Period. No walking 6" to get to him because it's never truly 6"...it magically becomes a mile and then you look back and wonder how you got so far from the shore. Stay where you are. In fact, sit down...get a tall glass of lemonade and prop your feet up. He needs to come get you...and not just come to where you are but be compelling enough to make you consider getting up out of your comfy chair.

When you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for.

Excellent post.

I won't be settling when I start dating. I wish everyone with this goal success. We can and will do it!

 

[missty1029]

I'm in!

I settled with the last idiot I dealt with. Everytime I would ask him to be considerate or have enough integrity to do what he always promised, he would say that he's not ready for a relationship that serious. You have to be in a serious relationship to be a decent human being? Once I realized that I had to ASK this fool to respect me, I was long gone.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!!
I need someone who is a good person not just a good mate!!!!! A mate is a role you play. Who are you as a person????

 

[bimbabe]

BUMP! This thread is what I needed.

HOLLA! You know that's my line. I just said that to a dude the other day in so many words...he was dead broke, had just been prosecuted in the spring for drawing unemployment AND having a job, had 2 kids by 2 different women and had never been married, had no car, no cell phone, no degree, nary a goal, and was 33 years old. I was looking at this brother like What in the WORLD possessed you to think I would ever give you the time of day? Naw playa ...NEXT!

Ok so, let me see...

1) I settled with my ex, but I didn't realize it until waaaaaay after the fact. I got comfortable and desensitized to things that would have made me go the heck off years prior. I settled by not holding HIM more accountable for having matching actions and words and not keeping his word in general. I tend to be a gracious and forgiving (a second chance type person) lady, but I realized that I was not doing myself a favor by overextending my grace. I have since put checks and balances in place that will keep me accountable because it IS easy to fall asleep. But you have to, as Proverbs so eloquently states, guard your heart because it is the wellspring of life.

2) I realized things weren't right when the thought of being with him forever made me nauseated instead of excited. I realized I needed to go when I wrote the facts out on paper and saw that I had no business dealing with him in any capacity. I realized I was settling when he did something that clearly indicated a lack of respect for me and what we had. Then I left!

3)For 2009, I'm continuing to do what I've done since I left him behind...LOVE MYSELF! I am entirely too fly to settle for anything other than what I want...I prayed and got real with God about where I was and I ASKED (not told or suggested) Him what he would have for me. He revealed it to me and told me to concentrate on myself. So, I've been doing just that. I've been reading, praying, meditating and loving on my fabulous self. I have truly fallen in love with myself and my life all over again, and I couldn't be happier. I realize that my satisfaction with myself and my life has contributed to men approaching me recently.

I've been courting myself, and I will continue to do so. The other night, I went out with a friend, and a guy came around selling roses. I bought myself a rose because THAT is how I should be loved. I've been speaking kindly to myself (some of us beat up on ourselves too much in our heads), and I've been taking good care of myself. I've been concentrating on getting a better grip on how much God loves me. His love for me is so deep and so wide that I can't be concerned with accepting anything other than excellent treatment for ANY human being, not just a man. I realized that I had to step up ALL of my relationships if I wanted to have better romantic relationships. Set the standard across the board and then you won't have to remember rules, techniques, and tricks.

I wrote this on a piece of paper, and I have it framed in my bedroom. I read it every single day.

Honor what you feel by believing you can have what you want. Respect where you are in your life, understanding that when you are ready to move forward, you will. Support yourself by refusing to accept less than what you want. Love yourself unconditionally for this is how God loves and He created you.

For ladies in this challenge, I very, very, very, very, very highly recommend In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. This book has helped transform my relationship with myself...and we're all in the meantime. It's really a precious time. There will be moments during our relationships and marriages when we will WISH for this time...I'm savoring the moment, appreciating that when it's time for me to be elsewhere, there I will be.

Divine Inspiration as usual you have touched my heart. The above really applies t0 what I am going through. I really need to accept the fact that yes because I spent 6+ years with my SO doesn't mean I need to waste more time. Life is too short. There are certain must have items that you cannot just let go because of comfort and reliabilty of a relationship.