How About a "Never Settle" Challenge for 2009?!
- Thread starter Syrah
- Start date
ITA. I have still have a standard that dh must meet all the time, getting marriage didn't change that
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I've kind of already started this on my own but I'm in.
1) Yes, I have definitely settled, in the majority of my relationships if I'm being 100% honest wiht myself.
2)I knew I was settling when:
- I could admit that this person didn't make me feel good about myself and I didn't get the hell outta dodge.
- He admitted I was right when I said that he had issues with women and wasn't as ready for a relationship as he thought he was and I didn't get the hell outta dodge.
3) I'm going to start thinking with my head and not my heart. A lot of my heartaches could have been avoided if I thought logically and not emotionally.
1) Yes, I have definitely settled, in the majority of my relationships if I'm being 100% honest wiht myself.
2)I knew I was settling when:
- I could admit that this person didn't make me feel good about myself and I didn't get the hell outta dodge.
- He admitted I was right when I said that he had issues with women and wasn't as ready for a relationship as he thought he was and I didn't get the hell outta dodge.
3) I'm going to start thinking with my head and not my heart. A lot of my heartaches could have been avoided if I thought logically and not emotionally.
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Ms_Delikate
Well-Known Member
I'm in...I settled in my last relationship...once he showed his behind though I was out...but then I was mad at myself for settling...now he's back talking bout "I can be a better man"..whatever
Bunny77
New Member
I'm in on this!
My problem is that I've been told so much by people in the past that I'm not patient. Why is that an issue? Well, when I've met men in the past who've pursued me somewhat but then always had an issue, I'd think to myself, "Well, no one is perfect. Give him some time."
Of course, either then I start getting frustrated because I want to be a GIRLFRIEND and they know that they don't want that... or in the last case, we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but he was still trying to get his life together and all of a sudden determined that he couldn't deal with the stress of school and a relationship.
See, I shoulda just passed him by in the beginning by recognizing we were in two different places in life.
So I'm going to embrace my IMpatience and know that it's a positive in the relationship realm. No "waiting" for dudes to figure out that I'm the one! You get one shot... you either want to be with me or you don't. Right now.
My problem is that I've been told so much by people in the past that I'm not patient. Why is that an issue? Well, when I've met men in the past who've pursued me somewhat but then always had an issue, I'd think to myself, "Well, no one is perfect. Give him some time."
Of course, either then I start getting frustrated because I want to be a GIRLFRIEND and they know that they don't want that... or in the last case, we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but he was still trying to get his life together and all of a sudden determined that he couldn't deal with the stress of school and a relationship.
See, I shoulda just passed him by in the beginning by recognizing we were in two different places in life.
So I'm going to embrace my IMpatience and know that it's a positive in the relationship realm. No "waiting" for dudes to figure out that I'm the one! You get one shot... you either want to be with me or you don't. Right now.
CurliDiva
Well-Known Member
My feeling is.....
Why even approach me or try to puruse a relationship if you have personal "issuses" you need to deal with to be a healthy, well rounded, functioning ADULT?
IMO, black women are constantly told to "work with a brotha" or else you will be labeled as stuck up or some kind of gold digger or sell out!
But why should I vest my time, energy and love into someone that is not doing the same to me....
2009 will be all about RECIPROCITY!
Why even approach me or try to puruse a relationship if you have personal "issuses" you need to deal with to be a healthy, well rounded, functioning ADULT?
IMO, black women are constantly told to "work with a brotha" or else you will be labeled as stuck up or some kind of gold digger or sell out!
But why should I vest my time, energy and love into someone that is not doing the same to me....
2009 will be all about RECIPROCITY!
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Bunny77
New Member
Hmmm... just thought of something...
Have you ever heard ANYONE, man or woman, use the term, "work with a sista?"
I think not.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Never in my 30 years on this planet.
I tried to "work with a brotha" and all I got out of it was a broken heart and a ish load of debt.
Never, ever again.
CurliDiva
Well-Known Member
Exactly!
I'm really starting to beleive that some men are (not sure of the right word for it) EMOTIONALLY RETARDED.....they look like and can sound like ADULTS, but they are regressing.
I know this does not apply to ALL men, but it makes me sad to think about how this affects women, children, and their families!
Divine Inspiration
Well-Known Member
For the New Year (and ever): I'm treating ME how I want to be treated. Learn, take notes...and
(DivineInspiration!)
Contribute to what I'm already doing for myself, or kick rocks.
HOLLA! You know that's my line. I just said that to a dude the other day in so many words...he was dead broke, had just been prosecuted in the spring for drawing unemployment AND having a job, had 2 kids by 2 different women and had never been married, had no car, no cell phone, no degree, nary a goal, and was 33 years old. I was looking at this brother like
What in the WORLD possessed you to think I would ever give you the time of day? Naw playa ...NEXT! Ok so, let me see...
1) I settled with my ex, but I didn't realize it until waaaaaay after the fact. I got comfortable and desensitized to things that would have made me go the heck off years prior. I settled by not holding HIM more accountable for having matching actions and words and not keeping his word in general. I tend to be a gracious and forgiving (a second chance type person) lady, but I realized that I was not doing myself a favor by overextending my grace. I have since put checks and balances in place that will keep me accountable because it IS easy to fall asleep. But you have to, as Proverbs so eloquently states, guard your heart because it is the wellspring of life.
2) I realized things weren't right when the thought of being with him forever made me nauseated instead of excited. I realized I needed to go when I wrote the facts out on paper and saw that I had no business dealing with him in any capacity. I realized I was settling when he did something that clearly indicated a lack of respect for me and what we had. Then I left!
3)For 2009, I'm continuing to do what I've done since I left him behind...LOVE MYSELF! I am entirely too fly to settle for anything other than what I want...I prayed and got real with God about where I was and I ASKED (not told or suggested) Him what he would have for me. He revealed it to me and told me to concentrate on myself. So, I've been doing just that. I've been reading, praying, meditating and loving on my fabulous self. I have truly fallen in love with myself and my life all over again, and I couldn't be happier. I realize that my satisfaction with myself and my life has contributed to men approaching me recently.
I've been courting myself, and I will continue to do so. The other night, I went out with a friend, and a guy came around selling roses. I bought myself a rose because THAT is how I should be loved. I've been speaking kindly to myself (some of us beat up on ourselves too much in our heads), and I've been taking good care of myself. I've been concentrating on getting a better grip on how much God loves me. His love for me is so deep and so wide that I can't be concerned with accepting anything other than excellent treatment for ANY human being, not just a man. I realized that I had to step up ALL of my relationships if I wanted to have better romantic relationships. Set the standard across the board and then you won't have to remember rules, techniques, and tricks.
I wrote this on a piece of paper, and I have it framed in my bedroom. I read it every single day.
Honor what you feel by believing you can have what you want. Respect where you are in your life, understanding that when you are ready to move forward, you will. Support yourself by refusing to accept less than what you want. Love yourself unconditionally for this is how God loves and He created you.
For ladies in this challenge, I very, very, very, very, very highly recommend In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. This book has helped transform my relationship with myself...and we're all in the meantime. It's really a precious time.
There will be moments during our relationships and marriages when we will WISH for this time...I'm savoring the moment, appreciating that when it's time for me to be elsewhere, there I will be. 
TriniStarr
New Member
Divine Inspiration, just reading your post made me rethink about a lots things that i plan to do for myself in 2009.
Divine Inspiration
Well-Known Member
Quick note for the ladies making new changes:
GET READY. Be prepared...because you will be tested like you would not believe. I thought I was going to do my little healing and then get mentally & emotionally prepared and then sit pretty waiting for the one and only. Nope...my mental and emotional health has attracted some other men - ex-boyfriends, wanna be boyfriends, losers, he's great but not for me winners - MEN have come out of nowhere. I have had to stay conscious of what I want and need and what is right for ME. I have gotten some offers that were hard to turn down, but I knew full well that those were from Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right.
I think you have to get to a point where you decide that it's more important to be in an orderly and mature relationship (that leads to marriage, if that's what you want) than to just have something. Fragments of a relationship are no relationship at all. You also have to esteem yourself to a place that no one can coax you from...a place where you love yourself and respect others.
So, decide from the beginning what you will and will not do, and HONOR it. Your self-respect is riding on it. Don't bend the rules for him since he has/is tall, dark, handsome, light, rich, got good hair, got no hair, got braids, has no kids, drives a Bentley, owns a mansion, is well dressed, smells good, is about to make partner, brought you roses on the date, has letters after or before his name, told you your braidout was cute, made you feel like you never felt before, has a large vocabulary, seems like a nice guy (they're all nice in the beginning...)...
because you will hear and see it ALL. And that's how we fall for the okey doke. Decide on the musts, must nots and maybes waaaay before hand and be steadfast.
He must come to you. Period. No walking 6" to get to him because it's never truly 6"...it magically becomes a mile and then you look back and wonder how you got so far from the shore. Stay where you are. In fact, sit down...get a tall glass of lemonade and prop your feet up. He needs to come get you...and not just come to where you are but be compelling enough to make you consider getting up out of your comfy chair.
When you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for.
GET READY. Be prepared...because you will be tested like you would not believe. I thought I was going to do my little healing and then get mentally & emotionally prepared and then sit pretty waiting for the one and only. Nope...my mental and emotional health has attracted some other men - ex-boyfriends, wanna be boyfriends, losers, he's great but not for me winners - MEN have come out of nowhere. I have had to stay conscious of what I want and need and what is right for ME. I have gotten some offers that were hard to turn down, but I knew full well that those were from Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right.
I think you have to get to a point where you decide that it's more important to be in an orderly and mature relationship (that leads to marriage, if that's what you want) than to just have something. Fragments of a relationship are no relationship at all. You also have to esteem yourself to a place that no one can coax you from...a place where you love yourself and respect others.
So, decide from the beginning what you will and will not do, and HONOR it. Your self-respect is riding on it. Don't bend the rules for him since he has/is tall, dark, handsome, light, rich, got good hair, got no hair, got braids, has no kids, drives a Bentley, owns a mansion, is well dressed, smells good, is about to make partner, brought you roses on the date, has letters after or before his name, told you your braidout was cute, made you feel like you never felt before, has a large vocabulary, seems like a nice guy (they're all nice in the beginning...)...
because you will hear and see it ALL. And that's how we fall for the okey doke. Decide on the musts, must nots and maybes waaaay before hand and be steadfast.
He must come to you. Period. No walking 6" to get to him because it's never truly 6"...it magically becomes a mile and then you look back and wonder how you got so far from the shore. Stay where you are. In fact, sit down...get a tall glass of lemonade and prop your feet up. He needs to come get you...and not just come to where you are but be compelling enough to make you consider getting up out of your comfy chair.
When you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for.
Thanks Divine you are an Inspiration. I too am a second chance type of person and have to be more careful about who I extend grace to. I've been BURNT but I still have so much joy in my heart.
I will open this book In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. I bought it years ago and never read it. I think now is the time to pick it up.
you are an Inspiration. I too am a second chance type of person and have to be more careful about who I extend grace to. I've been BURNT but I still have so much joy in my heart.I will open this book In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. I bought it years ago and never read it. I think now is the time to pick it up.
I have to agree with this 100%. You WILL be tested.
And really that's what this challenge is all about - it's funny how as you work on your own spirit, outlook, mental health and self-love, you start to attract more people in GENERAL. I say it over and over again, because it's another piece of my mantra - that relationships are about how being with a person elevates your own sense of self (whether it be through security, or loyalty) and how you do the same for the person that you're with. People will gravitate to your outlook because of how it elevates their sense of self... but will not be contributing to YOURS.
And I just wanted to add, that part of not settling is not settling for less than who YOU can be. Really being comfortable with who you are, and who you're not...and understanding what you do and don't want... and I think this is the part where most of us fail.
jerseygurl
Not a new member
I'm so in. I almost settled last year due subtle pressures about getting married. He was an ahole, who felt American girls were desperate (he does not live here).
I ended it when he became disrespectful and controlling. I was very lucky because after I found this board and this forum, I happened across a thread which was about signs of an abusive man and he fit the description to a tee.
In 2009, I vow to use my head and not worry about what other people think of me and do what is right for Jerseygurl.
Thanks for this thread ladies
I ended it when he became disrespectful and controlling. I was very lucky because after I found this board and this forum, I happened across a thread which was about signs of an abusive man and he fit the description to a tee.
In 2009, I vow to use my head and not worry about what other people think of me and do what is right for Jerseygurl.
Thanks for this thread ladies
heyfranz
Well-Known Member
I am so in. I was in a bad marriage because i "settled". I'm in a relationship now where i'm "settling". I have to stop being concerned with what they can buy me and start being more concerned about my spiritual and emotional well being. It's hard because i was raised to be materialistic, but i can buy myself anything i want and not have to put up with this ish. I have to "undo" years of training on this one.
longhairby2010
New Member
Im in casue im tired of being with men who dont care about me and just use me for the sex. I've been seeing this guy on and off for a year and a half. He always kept saying he's not ready for a relationship that he just wanted to be friends. So a few weeks ago I said to him how about we stop having sex and we just be friends, since you want me to respect ur wishes of being patient about the relationship and so can u respect my wishes of us not having sex and just being friends. Do you know that man walked out of my house hasn't called me since. I saw him in club 2 fridays in a row dancing on another chick.
Yeah it hurt but it was what I needed to see, because no matter how bad I wanted to be with that man, he just didn't want anything more from me but sex. I use to cook for this man and everything. Im just happy I finally realized this (accepted is a better word). So now im mourning and grieving and just trying to stay busy with school and taking care of my daughter.
But through this I've learned that i need to listen to that voice inside of me and stop settling for anything because my heart and my vajayjay are precious and you just cant give it to any ole body. Now I am not saying that am a hoe, or just have sex different guys every week, or anything like that, but I do tend to jump into or settle easy when I feel a guy is right and nothing like this might not come around for awhile.
These are my wishes for 2009:
I am going to love myself always
I am going figure out who I am (or at least achieve some personal growth)
Be single, untill I have a higher self esteem
Yeah it hurt but it was what I needed to see, because no matter how bad I wanted to be with that man, he just didn't want anything more from me but sex. I use to cook for this man and everything. Im just happy I finally realized this (accepted is a better word). So now im mourning and grieving and just trying to stay busy with school and taking care of my daughter.
But through this I've learned that i need to listen to that voice inside of me and stop settling for anything because my heart and my vajayjay are precious and you just cant give it to any ole body. Now I am not saying that am a hoe, or just have sex different guys every week, or anything like that, but I do tend to jump into or settle easy when I feel a guy is right and nothing like this might not come around for awhile.
These are my wishes for 2009:
I am going to love myself always
I am going figure out who I am (or at least achieve some personal growth)
Be single, untill I have a higher self esteem
Mena
Well-Known Member
This is so true. I know for my last couple of relationships. I bent the rules just beacayse the guys had the status and looks I wanted.
I'm in. I am settling now. Talking to this dude for the past 6 months who is soooo obviously not thinking about me. And realistically isn't even my type on a deeper level. We just don't "click". But he really FINE, looks good on paper, and was sooo nice at the beginning. Same ol story. Pursued me extra hard, I fell for it, then he starts to pull back. And once again I'm stuck somewhere between f-buddy and friends w/benefits. And looking real stupid sitting around waiting for/wasting time on someone who i don't even really see myself with anyway.
I don't have a problem nipping folks in the bud early on. The flag don't even have to be red, it can be a burnt orange and a brother will get quickly dismissed. My MAJOR issue is letting go of people once I've developed feelings for them. I honestly don't know how I am going to get myself to stop hanging on, giving 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances, and hoping they will come around. Just wasting my time, energy, and tears.
My goal in 2009 is to just work on getting my self together. I need to get to the root of some of my own issues (my best friend says i am needy) before bringing some one else into the mix. And whenever i do feel ready to deal w/someone, there will be no compromises, no making excuses for people, no trying to rationalize their behavior, and i will be ready to quickly say goodbye when necessary.
I don't have a problem nipping folks in the bud early on. The flag don't even have to be red, it can be a burnt orange and a brother will get quickly dismissed. My MAJOR issue is letting go of people once I've developed feelings for them. I honestly don't know how I am going to get myself to stop hanging on, giving 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances, and hoping they will come around. Just wasting my time, energy, and tears.
My goal in 2009 is to just work on getting my self together. I need to get to the root of some of my own issues (my best friend says i am needy) before bringing some one else into the mix. And whenever i do feel ready to deal w/someone, there will be no compromises, no making excuses for people, no trying to rationalize their behavior, and i will be ready to quickly say goodbye when necessary.
ALWAYZL8
Member
I'm in! I settled this year for stupidity...on more than one occassion this year. I have a problem...I don't want to be mean to folks. I always fear that by walking away from guys who I think are not right for me, I might be overlooking "the one" because he didn't "fit" my list of criteria. My friends tell me I'm too picky and in the same breath they tell me I keep wasting my time with losers. So I "waste" my time thinking he'll change overnight and everything will fall into place. "NOT!!!!!!"
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jerseygurl
Not a new member
Why are you mourning and grieving? You weren't his girlfriend. Just pick yourself up and put your energy into something else, like taking care of your daughter. It is painful, yes but he hasn't lost any sleep over you so why should you?
Please forget him and move on with your fabulous life. Life's too short for us to keep pining over no good men. I'm tired of it personally.
MACgirl2k2
New Member
Count me in. I finally believe I deserve better.
ClassicChic
Well-Known Member
I'm in.
I've already decided not to settle anymore.
I've already decided not to settle anymore.
thanks for the link amara. I liked it. I never use this phrase bc i think its so cliche, but that was "real talk" right there! lol.
longhairby2010
New Member
Now I know I wasn't his girlfriend, but he did do and say things that were misleading which made me believe that we were together. For instance every time I would end things with him, he would do and say things to get back into my life ( calling me repeatedly, popping up at my house, actually saying he wanted us to be together, putting together my daughters bedroom set, helping me find a car) these things made me feel as if he wanted more and that we were more than just sex buddies.
The reason why I say that I am mourning and grieving over him because I feel he is dead to me in a way and I see it as a lost of a loved one. I also feel that the way I get over men is like mourning and grieving because you are going through a process of healing from the pain and loss. Now when I say mourning and grieving I am not sitting around all day crying over him, I still continue to get up everyday and do my daily responsibilities (being a mother, school and work). To me this process of mourning and grieving is a time to feel the pain so that you can understand yourself and its also a time of reflection and a time to learn and grow and to enjoy this time with me, myself and I (alone).
The intention of my post wasn't to make anyone feel sorry for me or for anyone to think that Im sitting around crying all day wasting my life away because of this man. I truly understand that this was a meantime relationship (Iyanla Vanzant), a time for me to see and learn something new about myself.
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Amelia456
New Member
Im in
1. I Settled when I love a man that did not fully respect me.
2. I realized that I was settling when he totally dismissed all of my concerns as if I were making them up.
3. In 2010 (I am trying to remain single for 2009) I am not going to allow a man to dismiss my concerns. If I express my feelings about something and a man acts as though he really doesn't care about my feelings on the matter, i am out!!!!!!!!!
1. I Settled when I love a man that did not fully respect me.
2. I realized that I was settling when he totally dismissed all of my concerns as if I were making them up.
3. In 2010 (I am trying to remain single for 2009) I am not going to allow a man to dismiss my concerns. If I express my feelings about something and a man acts as though he really doesn't care about my feelings on the matter, i am out!!!!!!!!!
jerseygurl
Not a new member
Thx for the clarification.You may have misread my post or I may have misread yours either way I just wanted you to know that there's nothing to be gained by grieving for an idiot (I'm sorry but he is by leading you on like that).
You'll get over it with time and find someone that will cherish you
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