He’s not saved but I am…

[Kinkyhairlady]

I have been praying for a mate and I asked God to please send me someone before this year ends. Well I have not had much luck so far but a friend of mind introduced me to a gentlemen a few weeks ago and we seem to be hitting it off but my only issue is that he is not Christian, now he goes to church with his friend or his family when he can but that to me is not good enough. Also he is fairly new to the country so he has a lot of learning to do and adaptation. I don’t mind talking to him and being friends, but as time goes on he may want to move our friendship to another level. At that point I will have to decide do I give this man a chance even if we are not equally yoked? I know the bible states you must be equally yoked, but it is so hard to find a good Christian man in the church, even they are snakes at times. There is a shortage of men, so if I find a good one who happens to not be Christian yet, should I just take it or continue waiting which may be years I don’t know. First and foremost is my relationship with God and I will continue to pray, and I will not make a decision without his approval. I just posted this question because I am curious to hear how many of you have faced this issue whether you are Christian or not. Maybe you gave someone a chance who you at first thought was not good enough for you but everything turned out great.

 

[GoingBack]

I have been praying for a mate and I asked God to please send me someone before this year ends. Well I have not had much luck so far but a friend of mind introduced me to a gentlemen a few weeks ago and we seem to be hitting it off but my only issue is that he is not Christian, now he goes to church with his friend or his family when he can but that to me is not good enough. Also he is fairly new to the country so he has a lot of learning to do and adaptation. I don’t mind talking to him and being friends, but as time goes on he may want to move our friendship to another level. At that point I will have to decide do I give this man a chance even if we are not equally yoked? I know the bible states you must be equally yoked, but it is so hard to find a good Christian man in the church, even they are snakes at times. There is a shortage of men, so if I find a good one who happens to not be Christian yet, should I just take it or continue waiting which may be years I don’t know. First and foremost is my relationship with God and I will continue to pray, and I will not make a decision without his approval. I just posted this question because I am curious to hear how many of you have faced this issue whether you are Christian or not. Maybe you gave someone a chance who you at first thought was not good enough for you but everything turned out great.

Then don't play yourself. You already know what you want in a man and he doesn't have it. You are only setting yourself up for failure.

 

[Makenzie]

If you are saved and praying to find a long term partner, why would God send you someone you are not equally yoked with? Doesn't make sense.

Don't get desperate and settle for any man because you prayed to find someone by the end of this year.

 

[C@ssandr@]

I am not "Christian" nor do I identifiy with denominations...Just to get that out of the way. I do believe in, pray and love him (and not just on a lip service level). Hope that's not confusing).
Anyway.
My view is this: Go with your heart. God has entrusted us with a conscience for this very reason. I have never read in the bible that we are not allowed to date people who do not attend a church. My bf is a good man. He has real live morals! He has not been to church in forever, but his judgement is way keener than mine! What you need is a person who shares basically the same belief system as you and will respect any differing opnions.
The good book is not rules but guidelines to lead a righteous lifestyle. If it had all the answers we wouldn't be asking certain questions.

 

[Bunny77]

If you are saved and praying to find a long term partner, why would God send you someone you are not equally yoked with? Doesn't make sense.

Don't get desperate and settle for any man because you prayed to find someone by the end of this year.

And... God does not operate on a person's desired timeline. Just because you prayed to find someone by the end of the year does not mean He's going to make that happen just because that's the time you set.

God does not operate like a genie in a bottle.

 

[wonderstar]

Don't be too quick to start something because you are 'running out of time'. As you said your relationship with God come first, He will not send you someone who will not make Him the priority.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

I agree with you both but the point I am trying to make is, do we continue to wait for something that may never happen or do we take something that is close to what we were looking for. It does not mean I will do that in this case but it has me wondering alot about our decisions in relationships. My sister married a guy who was not saved but she was, they have been for 21 years and my brother in law is now a deacon at his church. he has been saved for over ten years now. There are some situations I see this happening and that is why I wonder about the equally yoked passage, how literal do we take it? You meet a great person but they don't have the same religion as you per se but lets say they are open to your religion, do you walk away because from the get go they were not the same religion? I don't know what God's plan is but do we think he sends us exactly what we are looking for at all times?

 

[Bunny77]

I agree with you both but the point I am trying to make is, do we continue to wait for something that may never happen or do we take something that is close to what we were looking for. It does not mean I will do that in this case but it has me wondering alot about our decisions in relationships. My sister married a guy who was not saved but she was, they have been for 21 years and my brother in law is now a deacon at his church. he has been saved for over ten years now. There are some situations I see this happening and that is why I wonder about the equally yoked passage, how literal do we take it? You meet a great person but they don't have the same religion as you per se but lets say they are open to your religion, do you walk away because from the get go they were not the same religion? I don't know what God's plan is but do we think he sends us exactly what we are looking for at all times?

My personal belief is that one should never operate in a mindset that "something may never happen." If you think that way, then you will lower standards that are important to you and end up in a situation that you ultimately do not want.

I have NEVER said to myself, and never will, that marriage "may never happen." I know it's going to happen... and I noticed that when I made it clear that it would happen, I began attracting and meeting men that fit my standards, including my current mate.

Also, I have problems with the idea of God "sending us someone." You have used this terminology a lot, and I know you might disagree with me, but I think the way you're going about this whole process might be contributing to some of your confusion on this issue. Again, just because you ask for XYZ doesn't mean that God's going to go, "Cool, one man with XYZ qualities coming up!" This isn't McDonald's or Burger King, and praying for a mate doesn't mean you get to have it your way.

Now, to answer your question, I guess you have to ask yourself what standards are important to you. If a saved man is important to you, then this man is not the one for you. Also, he has not expressed any interest in you, so you are already jumping the gun by thinking about a relationship when this is a man who you've just met, who has not yet taken any initiative to pursue you.

However, if he later does pursue you, then you have to ask yourself if you honestly would be happy with him the way he is, or if you're acting out of desperation. If you're acting out of desperation and dismissing your standards because you're lonely, then that's a problem.

 

[Makenzie]

My personal belief is that one should never operate in a mindset that "something may never happen." If you think that way, then you will lower standards that are important to you and end up in a situation that you ultimately do not want.

I have NEVER said to myself, and never will, that marriage "may never happen." I know it's going to happen... and I noticed that when I made it clear that it would happen, I began attracting and meeting men that fit my standards, including my current mate.

Also, I have problems with the idea of God "sending us someone." You have used this terminology a lot, and I know you might disagree with me, but I think the way you're going about this whole process might be contributing to some of your confusion on this issue. Again, just because you ask for XYZ doesn't mean that God's going to go, "Cool, one man with XYZ qualities coming up!" This isn't McDonald's or Burger King, and praying for a mate doesn't mean you get to have it your way.

Now, to answer your question, I guess you have to ask yourself what standards are important to you. If a saved man is important to you, then this man is not the one for you. Also, he has not expressed any interest in you, so you are already jumping the gun by thinking about a relationship when this is a man who you've just met, who has not yet taken any initiative to pursue you.

However, if he later does pursue you, then you have to ask yourself if you honestly would be happy with him the way he is, or if you're acting out of desperation. If you're acting out of desperation and dismissing your standards because you're lonely, then that's a problem.

My thoughts exactly, especially the bolded.

Marriage is hard by itself. This is with two people who have the same goals and desires. I think you would be doing yourself a disservice to 'settle' on a stance you say is very important to you.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

My personal belief is that one should never operate in a mindset that "something may never happen." If you think that way, then you will lower standards that are important to you and end up in a situation that you ultimately do not want.

I have NEVER said to myself, and never will, that marriage "may never happen." I know it's going to happen... and I noticed that when I made it clear that it would happen, I began attracting and meeting men that fit my standards, including my current mate.

Also, I have problems with the idea of God "sending us someone." You have used this terminology a lot, and I know you might disagree with me, but I think the way you're going about this whole process might be contributing to some of your confusion on this issue. Again, just because you ask for XYZ doesn't mean that God's going to go, "Cool, one man with XYZ qualities coming up!" This isn't McDonald's or Burger King, and praying for a mate doesn't mean you get to have it your way.

Now, to answer your question, I guess you have to ask yourself what standards are important to you. If a saved man is important to you, then this man is not the one for you. Also, he has not expressed any interest in you, so you are already jumping the gun by thinking about a relationship when this is a man who you've just met, who has not yet taken any initiative to pursue you.

However, if he later does pursue you, then you have to ask yourself if you honestly would be happy with him the way he is, or if you're acting out of desperation. If you're acting out of desperation and dismissing your standards because you're lonely, then that's a problem.

PREACH!!!

Bunny speaks the truth!! I agree w/everything especially the bolded above.

I know it's hard OP , but don't worry.... the right guy will come for you! If you are asking the question, that means that his not "being saved" is already a concern or problem for you. You just don't want to be alone. I understand. Trust me...I lowered my standards because of the "fear" that I might not find someone or because of the erroneous belief that all the "good ones" would be taken, and I ended up in a relationship (if you can even call it that) that caused me so much heartache and pain. Don't make the mistake I made!

Ask yourself this: If you had two guys that were interested in you...Guy 1--is the guy you are interested in right now (but doesn't go to church) ,and Guy 2---a guy who is JUST like Guy 1 in looks, personality, etc, BUT he is a God-fearing man and goes to church..which guy would YOU choose??

If you picked Guy 2 then that shows you that a God-fearing or "spritual" man is important to you. Sometimes I think we hold on and clench on to something or someone for fear that we won't find something or someone better. Like this is our "last chance". But if we just have the strength to let go and believe that something BETTER is out there and will come our way, then we might end up really getting what we truly want. Would you hold on and try to save a dirty, old, moldy sandwhich to eat if you knew that there was a beautiful, mouth-watering, homemade delicious turkey dinner waiting for you at home??

Sometimes you just have to believe...

PS--I also agree that whether this man goes to church or not is really too early to say. His church habits (although important) shouldn't really be much of your concern right now if he's just a friend. If he hasn't made interest clearly shown then he's just an acquaintance. I wouldn't jump the gun so quickly. Who knows?? Maybe after seeing your good example he'll want to start going too. But hopefully he would be going because he WANTS to, and not just because he wants to be with you. Again...it's all a bit early for this type of talk IMO.

 

[tiara76]

My personal belief is that one should never operate in a mindset that "something may never happen." If you think that way, then you will lower standards that are important to you and end up in a situation that you ultimately do not want.

.

one is either faithful in love or fearful in love...

fear will make you settle

faith will ensure you get what you desire and what is for your highest good

can't be both, its one or the other

your heart is GOD, anything outside of yourself that you follow or make more important than the GOD within you will have you confused and conflicted all the time

 

[Ramya]

You either trust God or you don't Why on earth would God "send" you a man that doesn't even have a close relationship with Him and that isn't saved? God did not send you that man. His word is clear on the matter.

 

[Ms Red]

You are not the first person to ask this question and you won't be the last, so don't feel bad.

I feel that you meet people 'where they are' in life. I did read about your brother-in-law and that is a great testimony. But let me ask this: If you were to date and marry this man, and he remained the same (re: Christianity) 20 years from now as he is today, would you be happy?

The answer is probably no. You would be resentful. You would have settled. Instead of trusting God's will and plan for your life, you will have created your own. From personal experience, I will tell you that it has not worked for me (being unequally yoked that is). Put more trust in God-- it's hard because He does not operate on OUR time. But if you truly believe that He has perfect timing, then waiting for the right man should not be a problem.

And I don't mean sitting on the couch waiting...

 

[Ije4eva]

I agree with you both but the point I am trying to make is, do we continue to wait for something that may never happen or do we take something that is close to what we were looking for. It does not mean I will do that in this case but it has me wondering alot about our decisions in relationships. My sister married a guy who was not saved but she was, they have been for 21 years and my brother in law is now a deacon at his church. he has been saved for over ten years now. There are some situations I see this happening and that is why I wonder about the equally yoked passage, how literal do we take it? You meet a great person but they don't have the same religion as you per se but lets say they are open to your religion, do you walk away because from the get go they were not the same religion? I don't know what God's plan is but do we think he sends us exactly what we are looking for at all times?

Hi Ellis,

I know this one is a struggle, trust me. Still, I agree that you should not operate from the mindset that it "may never happen", no matter how long you've been waiting, settle that matter in your mind and have faith. God has a husband for you, period.

As far as walking away from the situation or staying, you have to judge this one very carefully. Even if a man is for you, its true that he may not be "ready made" when you first meet. But you have to ask yourself, for example "if it took 10 years for him to have a real walk with God, am I willing to wait that long" ? Because the truth is your standards are your standards and you have them for a reason. So the person you will end up with should be able to fit those reasonable standards. If you don't see them at first, it could come together, but it could take a while. And obviously you've seen from your sister's case how blessed she is to now have a man who has a true walk with God. And how much its made a difference in your own life. Don't settle under any circumstances, but if you get the leading that you want to be with this man, I would recommend you make it clear to yourself that you be patient and keep it on a friendship level until the situation comes together fully.

In EVERYTHING God always gives us more than we can ask or imagine. Never compare your life to anyone elses. His thoughts toward you are for good, so allow Him to "perfect that which concerneth you". HTH.

 

[Choclatcotton]

I know of someone who went through this and She would go to Bible study and he would go get a drink. A bit awkward and confusing. Needless to say it broke her heart and the friendship dissolved.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

Continue to have faith and never give God a time limit. If it's God's will, it'll be on His time and not yours. I find peace in knowing that. In the meantime, work on shifting your focus and curbing your urgency..you put yourself in danger of settling that way.

 

[hair_rehab]

"There is a shortage of men, so if I find a good one who happens to not be Christian yet, should I just take it or continue waiting which may be years I don’t know."

I think your belief that there is a shortage of men will misguide you to look for a relationship that is not in God's will. God wants you to have more than just a "good" man, He wants you to have someone who is seeking Him and his truth. We often think of being single as some type of punishment, but this is the time where He is molding you to become the person you are meant to be. Trust me, I'm dealing with the same thing. Just pray for patience and keep your focus on God and He will send the right man in your direction.

 

[SW2011]

I have been praying for a mate and I asked God to please send me someone before this year ends. Well I have not had much luck so far but a friend of mind introduced me to a gentlemen a few weeks ago and we seem to be hitting it off but my only issue is that he is not Christian, now he goes to church with his friend or his family when he can but that to me is not good enough. Also he is fairly new to the country so he has a lot of learning to do and adaptation. I don’t mind talking to him and being friends, but as time goes on he may want to move our friendship to another level. At that point I will have to decide do I give this man a chance even if we are not equally yoked? I know the bible states you must be equally yoked, but it is so hard to find a good Christian man in the church, even they are snakes at times. There is a shortage of men, so if I find a good one who happens to not be Christian yet, should I just take it or continue waiting which may be years I don’t know. First and foremost is my relationship with God and I will continue to pray, and I will not make a decision without his approval. I just posted this question because I am curious to hear how many of you have faced this issue whether you are Christian or not. Maybe you gave someone a chance who you at first thought was not good enough for you but everything turned out great.

You don't have to pray for this answer...God has already given it to you and you know the answer. You're not supposed to be unequally yoked. He'll never give you a "yes" to that.

And to answer your question, I am a Christian. I grew up in the church, and for most of my life I'd say that I've had a good relationship with God. In college, I was in the same situation. There was a guy who was so nice, and so great. I decided that even though we weren't equally yoked (and I don't think that equally yoked just means "saved" or "unsaved"...it can also be "baby Christian" vs. "mature Christian...but that's a whole different topic), I'd date him. I ignored what I knew. The relationship wasn't horrible, but it wasn't what was designed for me. We broke up after 3 years because I was constantly convicted about being with someone who was not equally yoked with me. I felt terrible that I "lead him on" because I knew that it couldn't work. I desired a Godly man - someone who was following after God's heart. Girl, don't waste your time. I wish that I hadn't.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Ladies,

Thanks for all the wonderful advice. I will continue to pray and continue to get to know him as well. I want to add that he has a relationship with God as far as praying and knows of God's existance but he has not been baptised or done a alter call where you give your life to God. In this case I feel I will have to invite him to services with me, because it seems he wants to get closer to God but has not found a home church yet. I will keep everyone updated because I have a feeling this will have an interesting outcome.

 

[MyHeavenlyFatherKnows]

Whatever you do, keep your relationship/friendship out in the OPEN...none of that secret friends business---a friendship can be unequally yoked as well--it can also make you stray. Keep yourself surrounded by strong Christians who can hold you ACCOUNTABLE.

 

[chicacanella]

And... God does not operate on a person's desired timeline. Just because you prayed to find someone by the end of the year does not mean He's going to make that happen just because that's the time you set.

God does not operate like a genie in a bottle.

You are so right! I have known since last October who my future husband was but didn't want to believe it because I had never had God talk to me like that. I was unsure so God had to confirm it to me again and again through seasoned women of God, those also with the gift of prophecy; people I didn't even know confirmed what God was telling me. It took many, many confirmations linked together, I mean confirmations that you look at and say, "Wow, this is God." All in all, God has given me more than 10 confirmations regarding his love for me and reassuring me of who my future husband is. And guess what, sometimes I have to remind myself, "You remember that confirmation and this confirmation?"

What I thought was that exactly when God told me that this man was my future husband, it would happen. But God was like, no, I will bring you a mate in my timing. It's in His timing, that's what he has been saying to me and that's what we have to understand. It may not happen when we think it should but it doesn't mean it won't come to past. Oh, that's for those that God has been telling about their future husband.

 

[DivineNapps1728]

Hi Ellis,

To answer the initial question, I don't think you should give a relationship a chance with a man who isn't saved when you are; in my opinion it's better to be alone than to entertain the foolishness that would come out of such a union. Also please be careful with pursuing the friendship because it seems as if you're viewing him not strickly as a platonic friend, but as a potential suitor; you're more likely to overlook his flaws if you're pegging him to be someone who could be "the one".

Know that if you're praying for the Lord to send you a partner he'll do it in his time & he won't send a man that's only a nearly suitable mate. Oftentimes we want something so bad that we take the first thing that falls in our path as an answer to our prayers; remember that a decoy sometimes comes before the real thing.

Prayerfully God speaks to you on the matter and offers clarity.

 

[Renewed1]

Hi Ellis,

Here is a prayer for a husband prettyface (LHCF'er) gave me some months back. It has helped me and kept my mind focus on what I WANT/NEED in a man in GOD's TIMING! Enjoy girlfriend.

[pray]"Lord God, your Word declares that if I delight myself in you—if I enjoy and seek your pleasure above mine—you'll give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). Desiring a husband is neither evil nor selfish because marriage is honorable (Hebrews 13:4). At the beginning of creation, you proclaimed, "It is not good that man should be alone" and then you created Eve to be a suitable partner for Adam (Genesis 2:18). In the name of Jesus, I ask that you would protect the husband—a suitable partner—you have chosen for me. Because the covenant of marriage is sacred (Mark 10:9), I ask for a man of God. Please give me a husband whose love for me is only outmatched by his love for you; a man who will cherish me and build me up (Proverbs 31:28); a man who will honor me (I Peter 3:7) and our marriage vows; a man who will be a good father and provider; a man whom I will be attracted to physically, emotionally, and spiritually; a man who will love me as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Keep me from attaching myself to another man out of desperation. I will not settle for a relationship that's second best, convenient, or one that feeds my insecurities. Guard my purity and give me the patience to wait. And when I meet him, confirm to me that he is the one. Release from me the baggage of past relationships, and prepare me for the man You have chosen to be my husband. Free me from any hindrances to a healthy and godly marriage: insecurities, habitual sins, selfishness, and emotional hurts. Dispel my unrealistic expectations that set me up for disappointment. I place my trust in you rather than my partner. In this period of waiting, I will look to you alone to be my companion and best friend. You are the one who redeems my life from the pit, who crowns me with love and compassion, who satisfies my desires with good things (Psalm 103:4-5). I will not be anxious, but as I present my requests to you, flood me with the peace that surpasses all understanding so my heart and my mind are guarded in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6,7). In this request, I commit myself to trust you and do good, to dwell in the land and feed on your faithfulness. I commit my way to you and trust that you will bring it to pass (Psalm 37:35). Amen" [pray]
(author unknown)

 

[ArrrBeee]

I was not a Christian when I got married but I am now. My husband is not saved and it has caused so many headaches in our marriage. I long to have a spiritual leader and be equally yoked but it hasn't happened in the last 8 years and I don't know if it will.

Why would you knowingly put yourself in a situation that God hasn't ordained? If you trust God enough to pray to him, why not trust him enough to allow him to work his timeline and in his fashion. None of us can say whether or not God allowed this man to come into your life. You know the truth and what the word says. Don't stray from the truth out of desperation. Step back a moment and ask God for clarity, wisdom, and discernment as to how to proceed with this relationship.

Ask yourself why you felt enough doubt to turn this question into a post. It may be that you are looking for people to validate a decision that you know isn't what God wants for you.

Blessings.

 

[GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I]

Ihe is not Christian, now he goes to church with his friend or his family when he can but that to me is not good enough. Also he is fairly new to the country so he has a lot of learning to do and adaptation..

How do you know he's not a christian or "saved." How do you know you are? Exactly what are his qualities?

 

[mrsmeredith]

Ellis you have received great advice. You already know this man is a conflict on what you prayed for so why would GOD give you something that is not a part of him?? Meaning, GOD would not go against himself. You are not pleased with the answers and the truth you were giving so now you say you are going to continue to pray and continue on with this relationship and make it be what you want it to be even though its still a lie. Good luck! GOD does answer prayers and trust when he answers, you will have no doubt that it's GOD.

 

[tiara76]

You are so right! I have known since last October who my future husband was but didn't want to believe it because I had never had God talk to me like that. I was unsure so God had to confirm it to me again and again through seasoned women of God, those also with the gift of prophecy; people I didn't even know confirmed what God was telling me. It took many, many confirmations linked together, I mean confirmations that you look at and say, "Wow, this is God." All in all, God has given me more than 10 confirmations regarding his love for me and reassuring me of who my future husband is. And guess what, sometimes I have to remind myself, "You remember that confirmation and this confirmation?"

What I thought was that exactly when God told me that this man was my future husband, it would happen. But God was like, no, I will bring you a mate in my timing. It's in His timing, that's what he has been saying to me and that's what we have to understand. It may not happen when we think it should but it doesn't mean it won't come to past. Oh, that's for those that God has been telling about their future husband.

interesting...I feel you on this

 

[BlkHoneyLuv2U]

I say dont put the cart before the horse. You just met the guy, how do you know it will go to that level where you got to be thinking about marrying him? And if it do, how do you know that by that time he wont be all churchified by your standards (alter call)?

IMO all that public showing of going to the alter is just that a show for the public.