He's Having A Baby With His New Girlfriend!

caribeandiva

caribeandiva

Human being
We broke up for good in July. He announced on Christmas Eve that he got his new girlfriend pregnant. I thought I was over him and moved on already. I guess I wasn't. This hit me hard. I knew it was over, that we've both moved on. I've been with other men since him. I thought I accepted it but why am I in so much pain? I've been depressed and crying since then. I'm bouncing all over the grief cycle. I'm grieving the truth that it's really over and permanently. I'm grieving what will never be. I'm grieving the fact that we'll never share a first pregnancy together and all that comes with it. I'm grieving lost hope and all the dreams he took with him. I'm sorry y'all. I need time to deal with this.
 
Awwwwww, I completely understand. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

It's the certain knowledge and the death of that tiny flame of hope that was hiding on the floor of the last closet in that tiny room in the back of your heart. The room that you didn't even know was there. I believe in reveling in my feelings, so go on and indulge this melancholy for a day or two, but no more than that. You have a whole life of possibilities ahead of you that you need to get to.
 
I'm sure it's painful. Just know that you broke up with him, multiple times it seems, and it was the right choice. Be thankful that you are not tied to him for generations. She can't ever just walk away.

A good friend had a similar situation except he was cheating when she got the news about his baby. That was the last and final breakup.
 
I'm so so sorry.
I feel this might be me later.
I've asked before but how does one truly bury hope?
Maybe think about the fact that he got his GF pregnant, not wife so...might not work out. Haha. I'm sorry but I'd have to get low and petty to not let it bother me.
Hugs and wishing you the biggest love (I originally wrote wishing you many more dacks) to crush that last closet in that tiny room in the back of your heart.
(Thought that was beautifully written @curlicarib )
Men suck!
 
@caribeandiva
I'm so sorry sis. I know how you feel, I've been where you are.

I, too, had thought the months of separation had lead to heart healing for me and news of a new baby hit like a bomb. I was devastated but also very angry at myself for caring. I didn't want to care. My head had moved on but I was discovering that my heart was taking longer than expected.

What helped me get through it was to accurately identify and own the emotions I was experiencing (without judging them or trying to force them to make sense). I had to give myself permission to FEEL those emotions. I admitted to myself that I was JEALOUS (that dirty word) of their happiness, of the joy that comes with a new baby, and even of the elevated 'position' that the new gf would have, while I, at the time, was not in any kind of relationship. And I had to admit to fierce anger at the unfairness of his cheating self having happy moments without me. Once I gave myself permission and to take as much time as I needed to truly feel then work through those feelings, I began to heal. Let it take as long as it needs for you to heal...and don't be surprised if the actual arrival of the child triggers some more hurt later on. It's ok, it's normal.

I hope this helps you a little. I know what I'm saying sounds simple, but it's amazing how much difference intentionality can make. You will be fine...I promise!
 
CoilyFields said:
@caribeandiva
I'm so sorry sis. I know how you feel, I've been where you are.

I, too, had thought the months of separation had lead to heart healing for me and news of a new baby hit like a bomb. I was devastated but also very angry at myself for caring. I didn't want to care. My head had moved on but I was discovering that my heart was taking longer than expected.

What helped me get through it was to accurately identify and own the emotions I was experiencing (without judging them or trying to force them to make sense). I had to give myself permission to FEEL those emotions. I admitted to myself that I was JEALOUS (that dirty word) of their happiness, of the joy that comes with a new baby, and even of the elevated 'position' that the new gf would have, while I, at the time, was not in any kind of relationship. And I had to admit to fierce anger at the unfairness of his cheating self having happy moments without me. Once I gave myself permission and to take as much time as I needed to truly feel then work through those feelings, I began to heal. Let it take as long as it needs for you to heal...and don't be surprised if the actual arrival of the child triggers some more hurt later on. It's ok, it's normal.

I hope this helps you a little. I know what I'm saying sounds simple, but it's amazing how much difference intentionality can make. You will be fine...I promise!
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This helped a lot. You've been through it so your advice means a great deal. I've already started doing what you mentioned about allowing myself to feel my emotions. Heck starting this thread is part of that. I wasn't gonna start it cuz I'm used to dealing with heartbreak alone and didn't wanna be judged. I still haven't told my friends yet. Not telling them makes it not as real (know what I mean). I don't wanna admit that I'm jealous (dirty word indeed) that he's seemingly moved on faster than I have. That he's having "our baby" with someone else. I'm giving myself as much time as I need. I'm bracing myself for when the baby actually arrives. I'm sure I'll run into them eventually. I'm just a confused bag of emotions right now. I'm all over the place.
 
curlicarib said:
Awwwwww, I completely understand. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

It's the certain knowledge and the death of that tiny flame of hope that was hiding on the floor of the last closet in that tiny room in the back of your heart. The room that you didn't even know was there. I believe in reveling in my feelings, so go on and indulge this melancholy for a day or two, but no more than that. You have a whole life of possibilities ahead of you that you need to get to.
Click to expand...
Thank you. Exactly. That tiny room. That last shred of hope I didn't even know was there. That's what's hurting me so much.
 
Mega MEGA Hugs to you. :bighug:IIRCR you'd like your house "in order' (husband, ......then children).
This is not a set back to you in anyway; right now he has Oooops'd the young lady to step 2; she can only hope to get the 1st step.

Only time will heal, and only time will tell what kind of couple/parents they will be.
Meanwhile wipe your tears, hold your head up high :gorgeous: and KIM
 
Ivonnovi said:
Mega MEGA Hugs to you. :bighug:IIRCR you'd like your house "in order' (husband, ......then children).
This is not a set back to you in anyway; right now he has Oooops'd the young lady to step 2; she can only hope to get the 1st step.

Only time will heal, and only time will tell what kind of couple/parents they will be.
Meanwhile wipe your tears, hold your head up high :gorgeous: and KIM
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Thank you. The young lady he kept flaunting constantly on social media, knowing I would see it. Trying to make me jealous. :rolleyes: Well now they're stuck with each other for life! I hope it was worth it.
 
caribeandiva said:
This helped a lot. You've been through it so your advice means a great deal. I've already started doing what you mentioned about allowing myself to feel my emotions. Heck starting this thread is part of that. I wasn't gonna start it cuz I'm used to dealing with heartbreak alone and didn't wanna be judged. I still haven't told my friends yet. Not telling them makes it not as real (know what I mean). I don't wanna admit that I'm jealous (dirty word indeed) that he's seemingly moved on faster than I have. That he's having "our baby" with someone else. I'm giving myself as much time as I need. I'm bracing myself for when the baby actually arrives. I'm sure I'll run into them eventually. I'm just a confused bag of emotions right now. I'm all over the place.
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I know exactly how you feel. My ex husband just told me he is engaged to the woman he cheated on me with right after we got married. I don't want him back but there was hope that he would see the error in his ways and see how much he f&cked everything up. I wanted vindication/ remorse. But seems like he is happy enough- they keep traveling the world together and now he has proposed... probably with a better ring than he got me. I was jealous of his "happiness", angry he gave her more than me, and just outright pissed. Bad people shouldn't get good things...

That said- remember relationships are very complex. There are far too many people in unhappy relationships than people that are in truly genuinely happy relationships. July was 5 months ago... and he already got someone pregnant in the infatuation stage? Three years from now they will probably end up dealing with child support and drama.

For a man our age to knock up someone without making her a wife first- speaks heavily on him. You dodged a bullet. And if he is still trying to make you jealous- obviously there are feelings still there on his end. Otherwise he would just be happy and move forward.

The best way to get revenge is to be happy WITHOUT him. When he realizes that you weren't the source of his happiness and nothing he does will get to you- it will knock him down off his ego high horse :sneakyhug:
And now I will follow my own advice.
 
:sneakyhug: I'm so sorry you are going through this. :giveheart:

Just know that your blessings will be greater than you ever will image. I too got similar news from an ex around Christmas. He even sent me pictures of the baby who looked jut like him :( When I started crying my sisters laughed at me.

You already know he isn't the right one for you. Just know that you will live a great life without him and your blessings will be worth all the waiting and sacrifice and pains.
 
Lymegreen said:
I too got similar news from an ex around Christmas. He even sent me pictures of the baby who looked jut like him
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Why do they announce their mess around Christmas?! Dang it! Why does he care enough to send you pictures? Obviously he still has feelings for you otherwise he wouldn't care.

Lymegreen said:
When I started crying my sisters laughed at me.
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What the hell? They're so mean.
 
movingforward13 said:
For a man our age to knock up someone without making her a wife first- speaks heavily on him. You dodged a bullet. And if he is still trying to make you jealous- obviously there are feelings still there on his end. Otherwise he would just be happy and move forward.
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I dodged a bullet BIG time. He swore he knew how to fck without knocking someone up. I told him there's no such thing. Well joke's on him! Honestly when I first heard the news my first reaction was: "I told you so!!" I'm downright pissed.

Your ex-husband married the woman he cheated with since day 1? Wow... I have no words.
 
caribeandiva said:
I dodged a bullet BIG time. He swore he knew how to fck without knocking someone up. I told him there's no such thing. Well joke's on him! Honestly when I first heard the news my first reaction was: "I told you so!!" I'm downright pissed.

Your ex-husband married the woman he cheated with since day 1? Wow... I have no words.
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Be pissed- use that anger to move away emotionally from him.

They aren't married yet so I will have to brace myself for the wedding and when they have kids too but yeah- getting the message about his engagement to her a few days after what would have been our 4th wedding anniversary sucks big time.

But leopards never change their spots. What they do to their past lovers has a strange way of coming back on their current women. And even if everything is perfect over there (I doubt it is), his cheating changed my life for the better. I would have been miserable with him and it sounds like you would have been too. So in a weird way, thank him.
 
caribeandiva said:
This helped a lot. You've been through it so your advice means a great deal. I've already started doing what you mentioned about allowing myself to feel my emotions. Heck starting this thread is part of that. I wasn't gonna start it cuz I'm used to dealing with heartbreak alone and didn't wanna be judged. I still haven't told my friends yet. Not telling them makes it not as real (know what I mean). I don't wanna admit that I'm jealous (dirty word indeed) that he's seemingly moved on faster than I have. That he's having "our baby" with someone else. I'm giving myself as much time as I need. I'm bracing myself for when the baby actually arrives. I'm sure I'll run into them eventually. I'm just a confused bag of emotions right now. I'm all over the place.
Click to expand...

I'm glad you're taking these steps! We often feel, especially as black women ( and for me being Christian as well) that we have to be STRONG which often translates to not feeling anything. But giving yourself time to cry and eat ice cream etc. is cathartic and necessary.

Bracing yourself for the moment you see them is a good thing. For me, imagining the different likely scenarios forced it to become real to me. Preparing myself for the actual reality was important. I know myself and i always deal better with change when i have time to process it before it happens.

And i understand not telling your friends yet. I was selective in who i told because i wasn't ready to hear "so what? He was horrible to you so why should you care?" Our loved ones want the best for us and its easy for them to feel contempt for him because they were never in love with him. So it can be hard for them to understand the hurt. But i did have a couple of friends ( who are social workers like me) who reassured me that i was supposed to have those feelings. If there is anyone in your life who can help support your emotions without judgment I encourage you to reach out to them when you're ready.

One important thing...don't base your healing on hating him or the possible downfall of their relationship. Anger is normal and good, but don't allow yourself to stay there too long. I hate to say it but it's usually our loved ones who encourage the hate and predictions of doom. But basing your healing on contempt and the quality of their relationship is giving them power over you. Work towards forgiving him, not because he deserves it, but because it will free you. Getting to this place will take longer but it will be true and solid. I admit that i prayed and cried and complained to God that i didn't want to forgive him, that i wanted their relationship to combust, and even that i wanted the unspeakable to happen...her to lose the baby. I had to be honest. And as i experienced those feelings I began to compare them to how i wanted to feel...and when i had exhausted those emotions i started to build a bridge between the two to transition me to where i wanted to be.

It seemed to take forever but in reality it was only a couple of months before i found that i could think about it without pain. It took me months because there were way more complicating factors in my situation that had to be dealt with. But it sounds like you are on the right path and I'm sure you will be good with time.
 
CoilyFields said:
I as mit that i prayed and cried and complained to God that i didn't want to forgive him, that i wanted their relationship to combust, and even that i wanted the unspeakable to happen...her to lose the baby. I had to be honest.
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Omg I'm there now. At the anger stage. I feel horrible for wishing ill on them and an innocent child yet here I am. I know it's the anger talking. I feel like it's gonna take all of the personal growth I've done over the years to get through this. Like I'll never love again. Right now I'm ready to crawl into a hole and never come out. Like I wanna be alone forever. Maybe I'm being too dramatic. :lol:
 
Kurlee said:
five (well less) months is far too soon and irresponsible.
You dodged a bullet. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
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Exactly. It's like a slap in the face to me. 5 freaking months!! :mad:


whosthatcurl said:
Daaaaang, this was terrible. You possibly could have dodged a bullet with this guy. Who knows what kind of dad this guy would be. Hugs :bighug:
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For their child's sake I hope this experience matures him and forces him to leave his childish ways behind.
 
I think this is one of the biggest reasons why when a relationship is over, I cut off ALL contact with exes. I block numbers, delete all traces of our relationship from my home and social media before blocking them there too and I ask family and friends to please spare me on their life updates. It's not that you want them back but their happiness can be a slap in the face when they dogged you out so bad.

Allow yourself to be angry but do not stay there too long.
 
That sucks. I'm sorry that you're going through that. I've been there and there's no amount of logic to help ease the emotional blow.

If you like country music, and when you're ready, here's a song I like to listen to to remind me about the blessing in missed opportunities.

 
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