yardyspice
Well-Known Member
Q. Former Mistress' Son: I am currently in marriage counseling with my wife after she discovered my three-year-long relationship with another woman. After a lot of soul-searching, I truly want to make the marriage work and ended my affair with "Sandy" for good. The problem we have is Sandy's son, "John." Sandy has been a single mother most of her life and I am the only father figure he's known. John and I developed a bond over the years and I feel as though it would be cruel to cut him out of my life because I am no longer in a relationship with his mother. My wife is adamant that she won't stay in the marriage if I maintain any ties with either John or Sandy. I feel disappointed in her for not having the compassion to see John is the innocent victim here who needs my ongoing support. I've previously promised John I would always be a part of his life and I don't want to go back on that. Shouldn't my wife be more understanding of a child's needs?
A: I wonder if you and Sandy thought about how cruel it was to John to lead him to think that all of you were a happy (if strangely occasional) family during the years you were illicitly getting together. So now John is collateral damage. Here's a rule for cheating: Have sex with your lover, and leave the kids out of it. Instead, Sandy allowed you to be a surrogate father for her son, all the while surely thinking your emotional tie to him would draw you closer to her. You apparently were unable to imagine the likely scenario that your wife would stumble on your secret, and so promised John you would always care for him. Poor John that two such deluded people are his mother and "father."
Now you say your wife is the villain in this drama because her terms for continuing the marriage include severing all relations with Sandy and her son. You say your wife has no compassion for the boy, so I'll take your word that she hasn't expressed sorrow for him and doesn't seem to care that your disappearance will be a devastating blow. You need to understand that upon discovering the depths of your perfidy, your wife understandably is not feeling that expansive toward Sandy and her child. You don't mention whether you have children of your own, but if you do, even if they're grown, she may be more concerned about her own family. But you're in counseling, and these kinds of dilemmas are what this forum is for. You may have done a lot of soul-searching and realized you would prefer to stay with your wife. But if her terms for repairing your marriage are unacceptable to you, then you've got a serious dilemma. I can see both your and her points of view here, and no matter what happens John gets hurt. You seem naive in the extreme if you are planning to have a continuing relationship with John and none with Sandy. But you need to explore in therapy how you do the least damage to John, who is a wholly innocent party. If your wife says any contact at all would end your marriage, then you have to figure out if disappearing forever from John's life is a condition you're not willing to meet.
A: I wonder if you and Sandy thought about how cruel it was to John to lead him to think that all of you were a happy (if strangely occasional) family during the years you were illicitly getting together. So now John is collateral damage. Here's a rule for cheating: Have sex with your lover, and leave the kids out of it. Instead, Sandy allowed you to be a surrogate father for her son, all the while surely thinking your emotional tie to him would draw you closer to her. You apparently were unable to imagine the likely scenario that your wife would stumble on your secret, and so promised John you would always care for him. Poor John that two such deluded people are his mother and "father."
Now you say your wife is the villain in this drama because her terms for continuing the marriage include severing all relations with Sandy and her son. You say your wife has no compassion for the boy, so I'll take your word that she hasn't expressed sorrow for him and doesn't seem to care that your disappearance will be a devastating blow. You need to understand that upon discovering the depths of your perfidy, your wife understandably is not feeling that expansive toward Sandy and her child. You don't mention whether you have children of your own, but if you do, even if they're grown, she may be more concerned about her own family. But you're in counseling, and these kinds of dilemmas are what this forum is for. You may have done a lot of soul-searching and realized you would prefer to stay with your wife. But if her terms for repairing your marriage are unacceptable to you, then you've got a serious dilemma. I can see both your and her points of view here, and no matter what happens John gets hurt. You seem naive in the extreme if you are planning to have a continuing relationship with John and none with Sandy. But you need to explore in therapy how you do the least damage to John, who is a wholly innocent party. If your wife says any contact at all would end your marriage, then you have to figure out if disappearing forever from John's life is a condition you're not willing to meet.
. I dont play them games. I'm not the forgiving type.
