Help me Help my cousin....

[smwrigh3]

so ladies I am trying to help my cousin get out of an abusive relationship but I don't know what to do...

Here are the stats:

She is 25 years old. She has a 1 year old and is currently 8months pregnant with baby #2. She has an HS diploma and no job. She receives about $90 a week from unemployment. she also lives in Housing provided by the government and also gets about $200 a month in food stamps. Her baby daddy (ugh) is no help. He works a fulltime a job and provides nothing for her or her 2 kids, pays no bills, no food, pampers, ANYTHING. He wont even babysit.

Right now she is on the phone with me crying because she was having stomach pains on Sunday to the point she was laying in the tub for hours crying. He left the house at 5pm on Saturday and didn't return until 6pm the next day so he was of know help to her. He took her unemployment card so she had no money even though he just got paid that Friday. Just asked him for $20 and he said he is broke. (it's Tuesday). She wants to kick him out but she wants to wait until the baby is born so that he will sign the birth certificate (which will make it easier to file for child support).

She wants to leave the city and have a new start but she doesn't have anywhere to go nor does she have a car to get there. I want to offer a place for her to stay. but my problem is this is my senior of college and I dont think I can handle all the drama that is gonna come from this. I have a two bedroom apartment, but I also have a roommate who is not a fan of kids! But I can handle my rent and my bills on my own so it will give her a chance to save her money. My mother said HELL NO and that she caused this situation on herself. and she doesn't talk to her mother. Right now is saying that she feels bad because she put her kids in this situation and she just wants to fix it while she can.

I was raised Methodist and like most Christians I have been taught to help those in need and this is family! But no one else is stepping up to the plate... my family is so selfish sometimes. How can they not help her. My mama has a 5 bedroom 5 bath and is only using 3 rooms and still wont let her stay. am I missing something?

BTW: I am 22 so maybe I have a young mind about the situation.

 

[Bunny77]

I kinda agree with your mom...

 

[Chocolatelove2010]

I agree with your mum, she did put herself in this situation. Why have kids with somebody who can't provide for them, or better yet why have kids when you can't provide for them.

This might come across harsh but it's the 21st century, and it's not only men who can bring home the bacon. She has a diploma to work with, all she needs now is a babysitter. And guess wha darling... you can babysit If not you, I'm sure there's a teenage girl who can for a few dollars. Instead of crying, tell her to get UP, wipe your tears and change your situation because sitting in a tub weeping aint going to do anything for ya.

 

[frizzy]

It sounds like she needs to change her "ways" and call her momma. She needs help and a safe place to live without her bf after she delivers her baby. This is a tuff one. I wish her a quick solution.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

She doesn't have to stay with him just to get child support if he doesn't sign the birth certificate--if he doesn't sign, I'm sure the courts will order a DNA test to prove that he's the father--right?

Also, I don't know if this is your cousin, but I've seen so many young women continue to have babies with this type of men--yeah, they cry to you when things are bad, but the minute the guy "sweet talks" them, they are back in there, and then there's baby #3, #4, #5--all the while nothing has changed.

She's got to get rid of him--I'm all about couples being together for the benefit of the children, but he's not supportive at all, and he wants her to be stuck in that situation--it's not going to get better for her

 

[caltron]

I definitely agree with your mom. It may *sound* cold and heartless, but the reality is is that your cousin is going to have to pull herself out of this mess. What usually happens when people open up their homes is that the person in need quits taking steps to improve their situation and ends up pulling every one else down. Almost always the boarder ends up having to be kicked out and its even more of a mess than it would have been if they had just been refused in the first place.

Your cousin just has a few too many problems and it doesn't seem like she's even begun to address them all. I could see giving her a loan, helping her move, etc., but letting her and her kids move in is just a very bad idea.

 

[smwrigh3]

I agree with your mum, she did put herself in this situation. Why have kids with somebody who can't provide for them, or better yet why have kids when you can't provide for them.

This might come across harsh but it's the 21st century, and it's not only men who can bring home the bacon. She has a diploma to work with, all she needs now is a babysitter. And guess wha darling... you can babysit If not you, I'm sure there's a teenage girl who can for a few dollars. Instead of crying, tell her to get UP, wipe your tears and change your situation because sitting in a tub weeping aint going to do anything for ya.

I would have no problem helping her ... but I live about and 1hr and half away from her

It sounds like she needs to change her "ways" and call her momma. She needs help and a safe place to live without her bf after she delivers her baby. This is a tuff one. I wish her a quick solution.

Her mom was there with the first baby.. furnished the nursery and everything (she had no job then either).... this pregnancy the mom is supportive but is "keeping it real" and telling her about her situation and baby daddy every chance he gets.

She doesn't have to stay with him just to get child support if he doesn't sign the birth certificate--if he doesn't sign, I'm sure the courts will order a DNA test to prove that he's the father--right?

Also, I don't know if this is your cousin, but I've seen so many young women continue to have babies with this type of men--yeah, they cry to you when things are bad, but the minute the guy "sweet talks" them, they are back in there, and then there's baby #3, #4, #5--all the while nothing has changed.

She's got to get rid of him--I'm all about couples being together for the benefit of the children, but he's not supportive at all, and he wants her to be stuck in that situation--it's not going to get better for her

thats how baby #2 got here!

 

[Mrs. N Lugo]

I disagree with your mom. Everybody makes bad decisions and she should not be condemned for the rest of her life because she has 2 kids out of wed lock. She obviously knows he is no good and she wants him out of her life. She needs help.

If she was my relative I would not hesitate to help her. That's just my heart. Based on what you wrote, she has not needed you all much up until now. So she is not a leech or anything. But if she is a leech let her know this is the last time she will be rescued and that she will need to make better choices.

I don't think you are able to assist because you are a student and you need to focus on your schooling, but her mom or your mom should help her. Life is hard and no one is perfect. No matter how great some think they have it, life can kick you in the a$$.

You are a special young lady and I believe God will touch your moms heart and prayerfully she will establish a relationship with her own mother.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

so ladies I am trying to help my cousin get out of an abusive relationship but I don't know what to do...

Here are the stats:

She is 25 years old. She has a 1 year old and is currently 8months pregnant with baby #2. She has an HS diploma and no job. She receives about $90 a week from unemployment. she also lives in Housing provided by the government and also gets about $200 a month in food stamps. Her baby daddy (ugh) is no help. He works a fulltime a job and provides nothing for her or her 2 kids, pays no bills, no food, pampers, ANYTHING. He wont even babysit.

Right now she is on the phone with me crying because she was having stomach pains on Sunday to the point she was laying in the tub for hours crying. He left the house at 5pm on Saturday and didn't return until 6pm the next day so he was of know help to her. He took her unemployment card so she had no money even though he just got paid that Friday. Just asked him for $20 and he said he is broke. (it's Tuesday). She wants to kick him out but she wants to wait until the baby is born so that he will sign the birth certificate (which will make it easier to file for child support).

She wants to leave the city and have a new start but she doesn't have anywhere to go nor does she have a car to get there. I want to offer a place for her to stay. but my problem is this is my senior of college and I dont think I can handle all the drama that is gonna come from this. I have a two bedroom apartment, but I also have a roommate who is not a fan of kids! But I can handle my rent and my bills on my own so it will give her a chance to save her money. My mother said HELL NO and that she caused this situation on herself. and she doesn't talk to her mother. Right now is saying that she feels bad because she put her kids in this situation and she just wants to fix it while she can.

I was raised Methodist and like most Christians I have been taught to help those in need and this is family! But no one else is stepping up to the plate... my family is so selfish sometimes. How can they not help her. My mama has a 5 bedroom 5 bath and is only using 3 rooms and still wont let her stay. am I missing something?

BTW: I am 22 so maybe I have a young mind about the situation.

Don't do it! She needs to be shown tough love!! If you bail her out, she'll always expect it. Be there for her from a distance, that'll work.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

I definitely agree with your mom. It may *sound* cold and heartless, but the reality is is that your cousin is going to have to pull herself out of this mess. What usually happens when people open up their homes is that the person in need quits taking steps to improve their situation and ends up pulling every one else down. Almost always the boarder ends up having to be kicked out and its even more of a mess than it would have been if they had just been refused in the first place.

Your cousin just has a few too many problems and it doesn't seem like she's even begun to address them all. I could see giving her a loan, helping her move, etc., but letting her and her kids move in is just a very bad idea.

No loan, it would end up being a 'gift'.

 

[phynestone]

I would think most people would learn after the first child, but she had another child with this dude. She could have used that money to go back to school. There are several programs designed to help women in her position. I agree with your mom. Sometimes you have to show people tough love.

 

[kmn1980]

I can understand your mom. When someone has that kind of drama, the last thing you want is for them to drag it in your house. She may be leaving the BF but she has also has his kids which means that he'll pop up from time to time. I wouldn't want to deal that drama either.

 

[fattyfatfat]

you have such a good heart to think about offering her a place in your home. however...its not just her. its your cousin and her two children. basically...a FAMILY. I know you are able to support yourself but can you support a family? are you willing to pay higher utility bills? can you handle being woken up at night when you have an exam? if she needs diapers...who is she going to look to? well...for any of her needs and the childrens needs, who is she going to look to? Im really sorry shes in this situation and hopefully she can find a way out.

 

[fattyfatfat]

sadly...no. most girls dont learn until the second, third, fourth, +++ child. its such a horrible cycle and it needs to stop.

I would think most people would learn after the first child, but she had another child with this dude. She could have used that money to go back to school. There are several programs designed to help women in her position. I agree with your mom. Sometimes you have to show people tough love.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

sadly...no. most girls dont learn until the second, third, fourth, +++ child. its such a horrible cycle and it needs to stop.

This is true, but when do the people that are helping say "enough". Is it after the #3, #4, or #5 child?

I really hope that the OP's cousin has seen the light--but sadly it doesn't stop there, in a lot of cases.

Should a family just keep putting up with her making the same mistakes over and over again, bringing children into an unstable environment?

I am all about helping out, but only when a person is trying to help themselves--and if the OP's cousin is at that point, then I'm sure the family will help. I'm guessing the OP's mom and the cousin's mom has withdrew support because they had tried to talk to her before (after helping her with baby #1) and she didn't listen.

 

[jada1111]

so ladies I am trying to help my cousin get out of an abusive relationship but I don't know what to do...

Here are the stats:

She is 25 years old. She has a 1 year old and is currently 8months pregnant with baby #2. She has an HS diploma and no job. She receives about $90 a week from unemployment. she also lives in Housing provided by the government and also gets about $200 a month in food stamps. Her baby daddy (ugh) is no help. He works a fulltime a job and provides nothing for her or her 2 kids, pays no bills, no food, pampers, ANYTHING. He wont even babysit.

Right now she is on the phone with me crying because she was having stomach pains on Sunday to the point she was laying in the tub for hours crying. He left the house at 5pm on Saturday and didn't return until 6pm the next day so he was of know help to her. He took her unemployment card so she had no money even though he just got paid that Friday. Just asked him for $20 and he said he is broke. (it's Tuesday). She wants to kick him out but she wants to wait until the baby is born so that he will sign the birth certificate (which will make it easier to file for child support).

The highlighted is a bullcrap excuse. She doesn't want him gone and he's not going anywhere. As long as she has you and others to entertain her drama she'll continue to deal with him.

She's in government sponsored housing. His name isn't on the lease. I'm quite sure it will be easy to get him out if she truly wanted to do that. Which she doesn't.

She wants to leave the city and have a new start but she doesn't have anywhere to go nor does she have a car to get there. I want to offer a place for her to stay. but my problem is this is my senior of college and I dont think I can handle all the drama that is gonna come from this. I have a two bedroom apartment, but I also have a roommate who is not a fan of kids! But I can handle my rent and my bills on my own so it will give her a chance to save her money. My mother said HELL NO and that she caused this situation on herself. and she doesn't talk to her mother. Right now is saying that she feels bad because she put her kids in this situation and she just wants to fix it while she can.

Your mother is right and so are you. Give your cousin the 211 information number to find out where she can go to get help in her area. She's a single mother a child and one on the way. There are TONS of stuff available for her, if she truly wants the help.

First thing she needs to do is shed that dead weight she calls her man. Once that piece of *ish is gone everything will become much more clear for her.

I was raised Methodist and like most Christians I have been taught to help those in need and this is family! But no one else is stepping up to the plate... my family is so selfish sometimes. How can they not help her. My mama has a 5 bedroom 5 bath and is only using 3 rooms and still wont let her stay. am I missing something?

Why should they? She's 25 years old and got together with a loser I'm quite sure everybody told her was garbage. He treats her like garbage, takes her money and is an emotional drain. If she was really "done" with him, then she never would have got pregnant from him the second time. I'm quite sure he didn't become like this overnight.

If you wanna help her and bring her drama into your home, then you'll SEE what everyone else was talking about. She won't leave or save any money. She'll EXPECT you or your roommate to watch her kids when she has things to do and if you say no, she'll have the nerve to catch an attitude making you and others feel uncomfortable.

Tell her to dial local 211 for help. See, what happens and the excuses she gives on why they can't help her.

BTW: I am 22 so maybe I have a young mind about the situation.

Yeah, you do, but you also have a good heart.

 

[smwrigh3]

I disagree with your mom. Everybody makes bad decisions and she should not be condemned for the rest of her life because she has 2 kids out of wed lock. She obviously knows he is no good and she wants him out of her life. She needs help.

If she was my relative I would not hesitate to help her. That's just my heart. Based on what you wrote, she has not needed you all much up until now. So she is not a leech or anything. But if she is a leech let her know this is the last time she will be rescued and that she will need to make better choices.

This is exactly how I feel erplexed

you have such a good heart to think about offering her a place in your home. however...its not just her. its your cousin and her two children. basically...a FAMILY. I know you are able to support yourself but can you support a family? are you willing to pay higher utility bills? can you handle being woken up at night when you have an exam? if she needs diapers...who is she going to look to? well...for any of her needs and the childrens needs, who is she going to look to? Im really sorry shes in this situation and hopefully she can find a way out.

I am all about helping out, but only when a person is trying to help themselves--and if the OP's cousin is at that point, then I'm sure the family will help. I'm guessing the OP's mom and the cousin's mom has withdrew support because they had tried to talk to her before (after helping her with baby #1) and she didn't listen.

pretty much hit the nail on the head with this one.

The highlighted is a bullcrap excuse. She doesn't want him gone and he's not going anywhere. As long as she has you and others to entertain her drama she'll continue to deal with him.

She's in government sponsored housing. His name isn't on the lease. I'm quite sure it will be easy to get him out if she truly wanted to do that. Which she doesn't.


why should they? She's 25 years old and got together with a loser I'm quite sure everybody told her was garbage. He treats her like garbage, takes her money and is an emotional drain. If she was really "done" with him, then she never would have got pregnant from him the second time. I'm quite sure he didn't become like this overnight.

If you wanna help her and bring her drama into your home, then you'll SEE what everyone else was talking about. She won't leave or save any money. She'll EXPECT you or your roommate to watch her kids when she has things to do and if you say no, she'll have the nerve to catch an attitude making you and others feel uncomfortable.

Tell her to dial local 211 for help. See, what happens and the excuses she gives on why they can't help her.



Yeah, you do, but you also have a good heart.

your right she is the only one on the lease.. if they found out he was there she would get kicked out herself. @ the second bold...that is my fear... I can be a helping hand but I am not ready to be a parent.

 

[Mai Tai]

OP, I commend you for wanting to help your cousin when no one else is willing to, and you should do ultimately what's in your heart, however, I feel in this particular situation, your cousin needs to learn a hard lesson, and your family should not be made to feel guilty for not bailing her out of HER drama.

She is making so many excuses as to why she can't let her baby daddy go, and is playing the victim as if she didn't have a choice in having not 1 but 2 kids by the same deadbeat. I personally am not a fan of babying irresponsible gown folks. The only thing this does is increase their irresponsibility.

Yes everyone makes mistakes but where does it say that we have to rescue our loved ones from themselves...especially when they continue to make the same mistake over, and over...and...over...? Personal accountability has to come in at some point.

You are a young woman that is working hard to accomplish your goals, and I think letting your cousin live with you with 2 kids, under the age of 2 may I add, will ultimately derail your dreams. I say help your cousin by giving her a personal loan (that will really end up being a gift) and keep it moving.

You have to also think about the fact that letting her live with you may be against the terms of your lease, and can end up in you being evicted for having too many people in your appartment. You not opening your home to her will not make you any less of a good person.

 

[Shinka]

How is this abusive? it sounds like she is just with a loser.

She just needs to step up and tell him to leave and threaten to call the police if he doesn't. If he's not on the lease, they can tell him to leave.

if he has actually physical abused or threatened her she can get a restraining order to evict him from her house.

The birth certificate excuse is BS cause the judge can order a DNA test. ( she probably knows that already)

Welfare has job programs to help people get on their feet. So once the baby is born and can be in childcare, so can do a job program and they will pay for her to have childcare.

She seems that she has to learn the hard way. While you want to help her, has she asked for your help as in has she asked to come live with you?

She has a free roof over her head, she is getting financial assistance & foodstamps, welfare pays for medical for kids and can offer her job training...i think they even help with school- Her basic necessities are being cared for, what more can you offer her than the listening ear?

 

[smwrigh3]

How is this abusive? it sounds like she is just with a loser.

She just needs to step up and tell him to leave and threaten to call the police if he doesn't. If he's not on the lease, they can tell him to leave.

if he has actually physical abused or threatened her she can get a restraining order to evict him from her house.

The birth certificate excuse is BS cause the judge can order a DNA test. ( she probably knows that already)

Welfare has job programs to help people get on their feet. So once the baby is born and can be in childcare, so can do a job program and they will pay for her to have childcare.

She seems that she has to learn the hard way. While you want to help her, has she asked for your help as in has she asked to come live with you?

She has a free roof over her head, she is getting financial assistance & foodstamps, welfare pays for medical for kids and can offer her job training...i think they even help with school- Her basic necessities are being cared for, what more can you offer her than the listening ear?

yes he has put his hands on her (while pregnant) which is the reason y she is estranged from her mom. But once her neighbors called the police they BOTH went jail(in the state both parties go to jail if neither is willing to press charges)

I agree with you all... SERIOUSLY! I have sent her money for bills and so much more.. and right now I am torn between sending her money for a toddler bed and dresser she says she needs. I feel like a am being an enabler and that I am paying for her mistakes instead of letting her fall and have to pick herself back up.

I but think about those kids and the type of envoriment they will be exposed to in the coming years shoot in the month when she delievers baby #2! the statistics of this is not great.. I don't want her to be a welfare mom for life to raise sub-par men who end up gang banging
I dont think she gets it! I don't understand how a MAN can live you in ur house and doesn't contribute so much as a roll of toliet paper and yet comes and goes as he pleases and then has the nerve to say its his paycheck??! whhoooooooo ssaaaaaaaaa!

I am so frustrated with my cousin I believe she is a simp in some HAWT GHETTO MESS! and if there is no intervention its gonna get worse before it gets better!

end rant... sorry

 

[jada1111]

I agree with you all... SERIOUSLY! I have sent her money for bills and so much more.. and right now I am torn between sending her money for a toddler bed and dresser she says she needs. I feel like a am being an enabler and that I am paying for her mistakes instead of letting her fall and have to pick herself back up.

If she got a man living with her that works you shouldn't be sending her money for a toddler bed or dresser. Also, if she can't afford a toddler bed or dresser, then she shouldn't be pregnant with this SECOND kid. Is she allergic to all of the birth control methods they have available, including the Depo Provera shot and the IUD? Nearly all of these are 99% effective when used correctly. The shots and IUD are the easiest to use.

I dont think she gets it! I don't understand how a MAN can live you in ur house and doesn't contribute so much as a roll of toliet paper and yet comes and goes as he pleases and then has the nerve to say its his paycheck??! whhoooooooo ssaaaaaaaaa!

Trust, she GETS it. She's using you and everyone else who she got feeling sorry for her. As long as she has that dude in her life you need to tell her you ain't got it like that. And you know what? You don't! If she's truly broke or needs something, she can probably go to the salvation army with a voucher and get the toddler bed.

Let her make DO with what she has. You're cousin isn't as stupid or trifling as you think she is. She's manipulative and already a product of the ghetto "system" she's grown accustomed.

I'm still gaggin' when you said dude took her money card like it was HIS and she didn't do nuthin'! What woman in 2010 puts up with that stupidity?? I haven't heard anything like that in YEARS! YEEEAAARRRSSSS!!!

Um, did you text her the "211" number for help in her area yet? What did she say?

 

[smwrigh3]

^^^ I haven't spoken with her since I posted this thread but tomorrow Imma bring it up during her pity party!

 

[natural2008]

I agree with your mom. Please do not mess up your last year in school. If she really wanted help there are agencies that could help her disappear as an abused woman and start a new somewhere else.

 

[ThickHair]

I agree with your mom and you can't help her out at this point in time anyway. You are in college with a roommate. If my college roommate came talking that noise, there would be WWIII. You can not put that on your roommate. That is your out to your cousin right now.

I agree with the other ladies, baby 3, 4, 5......... are going to show up and your cousin will never learn. I think the reason why your cousin won't go to her mother is that her mother knows that her and her husband is full of siht. She is just waiting for your cousin to come correct and I am sure she would assist her if that is truly what your cousin wants. Sometime's women just want to get away from the dude to breathe. Well, life doesn't work like that, you are either with him or not, that ping ponging isn't cute. She is a mother and she needs to start using her head.

 

[frida1980]

Can't help someone change that doesn't really want to. She's addicted to him. She's not really suffering because you and the govt helps her out. So, I'm saying this to you directly.


CUT HER OFF.

I have BEEN in this situation. I thought that I was helping, when all I was doing was keeping them comfortable so they didn't have to do what they needed to do. The moment you start giving money or things, it's already too late. She doesn't need money. She needs a reality check. She's never going to get it, unless you tell her the bank's closed and to toss the broke thug out.

 

[yvette]

OP, please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean any harm, I am just venting.

First of all, I am sick and tired of women that play the victim all the damn time. She knew after the first baby he was a loser, so why get pregnant with number 2? Duh? Also, why in the hell would she let this man stay with her and he is not contributing to the household? I don't care if she is waiting for him to sign the birth certificate. What if he doesn't sign it? Then, she would STILL be in the same predicament.

I just don't get it, I really don't. There is no way in hell I would let some worthless man, who is working, stay with me and not provide. What type of man lets his kids and gf go without the basic nessecities?

I agree 100% with your mother. I wouldn't let her stay with me, either. She needs to handle her own business. She laid up with this loser, had two kids by him, she needs to take charge and stand up on her own two feet. The first thing she needs to do, is kick HIM THE F**K OUT! He probably is not suppose to be living there anyway if she is qualified for government housing.

And no, you should not move her up in your apartment, that is totally rude and inconsiderate to your roommate. No one wants to be around some screaming kids when they are trying to sleep or do homework. Also, I am quite sure there are occupancy rules and having 5 people in a two bedroom *might* just be against the occupancy rules.

 

[yvette]

And another thing........

Let's say you graduate college, get a good job and nice place to stay and you let her move in with you. I bet you dollars to donuts, she will get comfortable and make no effort to improve her situation because you will be taking care of her. She will become relaxed and comfortable.

If she really wanted to change her situation, she would be acting NOW and coming up with a game plan that does not include trying to live with other relatives.

 

[LilMissRed]

ur cousin needs to HELP HERSELF before u can even begin to help her OP. Im sorry but I gotta agree with the TOUGH LOVE thing. I know its easy to say she shudda/coulda or I woulda done x,y,z, BUT fact is she didnt learn from her 1st pregnancy that she needed to get it together THEN.

I have no suggestions (sorry), BUT she needs to get it together.. and for the record.. she needs to put that baby daddy out! WAIT! if shes in assisted living... cant they put HER/the babies out if they find out that HE's living there too???? Yeah.. she needs to get her priorities straight... HE cant be IT

 

[yvette]

ur cousin needs to HELP HERSELF before u can even begin to help her OP. Im sorry but I gotta agree with the TOUGH LOVE thing. I know its easy to say she shudda/coulda or I woulda done x,y,z, BUT fact is she didnt learn from her 1st pregnancy that she needed to get it together THEN.

I have no suggestions (sorry), BUT she needs to get it together.. and for the record.. she needs to put that baby daddy out! WAIT! if shes in assisted living... cant they put HER/the babies out if they find out that HE's living there too???? Yeah.. she needs to get her priorities straight... HE cant be IT

Yep, they sure can. So, not only is she stupid for letting him stay there without contributing, she is also stupid for jeopardizing a roof over her and her children's heads.

 

[ebonylocs]

OP, I understand your compassionate instincts, because my heart is like that as well. But after thinking it through, I think what you really need to do is to have a brutally honest talk with your cousin, point out what she is doing wrong, what she needs to do, and what are the resources and alternatives available to her. Tell her how you are prepared to help, and why, and how you're not prepared to help, and why not. Depending on your relationship, it might be quite hard / impossible to be this honest with her, but I think it is the best thing because she really needs the reality check. And no, money /gifts or moving her in with you don't seem to be the best forms of assistance here, for her or for you.