HELP HELP HELP (kinda lengthy)...

[c0urtr0cbaby]

:sigh: Where do I begin? Okay, so I've been involved with my on again off again boyfriend for almost 6 years. I was 15 when we started dating and fell violently in love. He was my first, and I have treasured many wonderful moments with him, some of the best in my 20 years of life. But...an oh what a BUT this is...

Problem 1: He's 'cheated' on me MANY times in the beginning of our relationship. I put this in quotations because it wasn't physically cheating in the sexual sense. We were both virgins and gave ourselves to one another (sure of this). But he did have other 'girlfriends' and has done his fair share of f*ed up stuff.

Problem 2: He's extremely insecure. He's been this way ever since I've known him, but it worsened in 2007. In August of '06, I went away to school. We were making the long distance relationship work (mind you I'm only 2 hrs. away) initially; it was very difficult, but for the most part, we managed. Until that dreadful day in February...Because of his insecurities, I wasn't 'allowed' to go to parties. So when my girlfriends would go out, they'd invite me and I'd pretend I was sleeping. VERY deceitful, I know, but it really bit me in the behind when he made a Facebook page and saw ALL the pictures I was tagged at parties. He was devastated, and ever since that day he's called me out my name, and constantly disrespects me. His mother dislikes me (he is such a Mama's boy), and his level of respect for me and virtually all women has went down the toilet. He brings the parties up to this day. He calls me ALL kinds of names, every slut, whore, and tramp in the book, all because I went to parties and because I'm in college, I MUST'VE been sleeping around. SMH. This can't be farther from the truth.


I have bent over backwards, sideways, and upside down for this man. He has put me through hell, and I still can't shake him. In reading this, I can already predict what many of you are thinking. PLEASE do not judge me. The ironic thing is that when it comes to nearly everyone else, I take NO SH*T. ZERO. But with him, he's my kryptonite. I sit there and take the verbal abuse, just because I love and want to be with him. I'm so lost and I am not sure what to do. I have stopped talking to him for months at a time, but either he comes back to me, or I him. Please help. Any words of advice will do.

-Courtney


P.S. Sorry my pic is so big, I gotta learn how to resize, smh.

 

[Bunny77]

Well this one is really easy. Boy, bye!

Do you have a counseling center at your school where you can speak to someone? You are in an abusive co-dependent relationship and need to figure out a way to get out of it since it's clear that you are having problems doing so on your own.

But please, while you wait and figure out when you've finally had enough, USE PROTECTION. PLEASE DON'T GET PREGNANT BY THIS MAN, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Okay, I'm done.

 

[daydreem2876]

i am going to just put it out there

you man is showing signs of an abuser. he is trying to control you with emotional and verbal abuse because he knows you will simply take it because you love him. His mother does not like you (big red flag) and he is trying to control your movements from two hours away. he is behaving like a big fat spoiled child who is simply trying to get his way by throwing and big fat temper tantrum.

I won't tell you whether or not to stay with your man. Neither am I insensitive to the fact that you love him, love is a powerful thing. But if you continue to condone this behavior, continue to act like him calling you out of your name is ok, him playing mind games with you is OK, continually try to break you down mentally to the point where you have to ask a message board what you should do, he will continue to mis treat you and keep up this behavior because he has no reason to change.

But I think you already know what you need to do and needed some confirmation. We need that some times. Yes, its going to be hard and no, most likely he won't change. Remember to take care of number 1.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

You're so cute. I think if you get free, your joy will be immense! It's hard at first b/c you two have grown up together (well one of you has), but have faith, get some really good girl friends on your side, find a hobby or something you really love to do and before you know it, he'll be a distant memory and you'll have all the things you want and deserve in perfect preparation for the man God will send you in His time. Good Luck

 

[spelmanlocks]

Think about how your life will be long term with someone like this. You'll most likely be miserable, resentful and develop self esteem issues if you stay with him. Don't think you can change him, because this behavior has gone on for so long it will likely get worse because he sees that he can get away with it. I had a hard time breaking from one of my ex's. One thing that helped was reading a bad email he once sent me when I felt weak and like I was going to take him back. It would remind me of the reasons we broke up for all over again. Maybe you can write down all the bad things he has done and read it when you get weak.

And don't feel guilty about having some fun in college, you should go to parties and enjoy your college experience to the fullest. College will seem like a flash and you'll regret it later if you hold back on making the most of it, especially for a guy like this.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

Thanks soooo much everyone! I love having this forum so I can get advice from strong, intelligent women of color. I know what I need to do. But it's HARD. So so so hard. I just needed some reassurance. Thanks again ladies!

 

[hurricane]

I remember my highschool love who turned out to be my nightmare. He cheated on me like no body's business. The only thing that save me was that I went off to college and met another jerk. Then another....Sorry...I'm venting.

 

[blasianbeauty]

So what are you thinking about doing? I personally would give myself space because he is obviously trying to control you and give you constant guilt trips. Do you think he will ever get over it? Would you get over it if the roles were reversed?

 

[sharentu]

let me ask you this. do you know what he is doing with you being 2 hours away. while he is trying to control your activities who is regulating his. you are a beautiful young lady getting an education, you have to do what is best for you. i personally think the best you should do is break from this abuse. calling you all kinds of names for going to parties is real extreme to me. i hope things get better for you. (he is not worth your heartache)

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

C0urt, I was you. I felt like I am reading about myself (minus the abusive nature).

You and I both know that the words in this thread is not going to be enough to make you leave. You're going to have to WANT to leave first, and by reading your post (IMHO), I don't think you're there yet.

All I can say is get out before something worse happens (pregnancy, STD, outside pregnancy, he hits you, etc.). Don't give him the justice or the years of your youth. You are in a wonderful situation; 20, young, beautiful...a WHOLE future ahead of yourself. Stop waiting around for something definitive (big) to happen to MAKE you leave. Make yourself leave.

Remember, you are not alone. There are others that have been in your position and still are.

 

[Sosoothing]

What advice are you looking for? Are you trying to leave him or would you like to know how to cope and hang in there?

I hope its not the latter because your relationship is far from healthy and even you know it. I wonder if part of the problem is that you have put so much importance on the fact that he was your first so you think you 'owe' him and the relationship great effort. Or maybe you have not been in other relationships and experienced what it can be like when another man sincerely respects you and properly learns to trust you and be trust worthy.

Whatever you would like to accomplish, I agree with whoever said you might want to try councelling. It would be beneficial to both of you.
It is my assumption that both of you are still young. He may not have many examples in his life on how to treat women well. So again, councelling may help him see the light. I am a strong believer in second chances and that people can change. But that takes, time and hope and lots of work. Good luck.

 

[Almaz]

You are a beautiful girl and he is playing Jedi mind tricks with you. Do NOT spend this time with this jerk. Because all I see in the future is more Jedi Mind tricks. If you stick with him he has the classic signs of an Abuser. Can't go to parties, Can't hang out with your girlfriends all under the guise If you love me you will do this for me. Then the next thing you know you cannot even talk to your own family. Get out of that situation Seek Counseling and move on with you life. You have an entire life with great potential ahead of you. Yeah he was your first and I understand the emotions that come from that. But he is NOT the one if he is going to treat you that way.

He should seek counseling also. But take care of yourself and get out of that mess. Easier said than done I know.

 

[Bunny77]

I hope its not the latter because your relationship is far from healthy and even you know it. I wonder if part of the problem is that you have put so much importance on the fact that he was your first so you think you 'owe' him and the relationship great effort.

I see this happening a LOT. People put unnecessary emphasis on someone being a first -- whether first boyfriend, lover, whatever -- and feel that it creates some extra bond that shouldn't be given up.

Too many women get caught up in the mythology of "the first," when really, "the last" should be the most important one.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

So what are you thinking about doing? I personally would give myself space because he is obviously trying to control you and give you constant guilt trips. Do you think he will ever get over it? Would you get over it if the roles were reversed?

I'm thinking about giving myself space. Honestly, I think he still will bring it up in one way or another. He held me on a pedestal, because I was his first everything. So, me going to parties has "tarnished that." SMH. I have gotten over all the BS he's put me through, which was WAY worse, so yes.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

let me ask you this. do you know what he is doing with you being 2 hours away. while he is trying to control your activities who is regulating his. you are a beautiful young lady getting an education, you have to do what is best for you. i personally think the best you should do is break from this abuse. calling you all kinds of names for going to parties is real extreme to me. i hope things get better for you. (he is not worth your heartache)

Thank you so much. You're right. Even with all the things he's done to me, I don't feel the need to interrogate him and all that nonsense. I think I trust people way too much.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

C0urt, I was you. I felt like I am reading about myself (minus the abusive nature).

You and I both know that the words in this thread is not going to be enough to make you leave. You're going to have to WANT to leave first, and by reading your post (IMHO), I don't think you're there yet.

All I can say is get out before something worse happens (pregnancy, STD, outside pregnancy, he hits you, etc.). Don't give him the justice or the years of your youth. You are in a wonderful situation; 20, young, beautiful...a WHOLE future ahead of yourself. Stop waiting around for something definitive (big) to happen to MAKE you leave. Make yourself leave.

Remember, you are not alone. There are others that have been in your position and still are.

Thank you. There have been times when I thought I was ready. I left him twice, once for 5 months and once for 3 months. But both times, I came back to him. There is a LAUNDRY LIST of things that he's done that any normal person would've ran at full speed out the relationship. I just need to make myself leave like you said.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

What advice are you looking for? Are you trying to leave him or would you like to know how to cope and hang in there?

I hope its not the latter because your relationship is far from healthy and even you know it. I wonder if part of the problem is that you have put so much importance on the fact that he was your first so you think you 'owe' him and the relationship great effort. Or maybe you have not been in other relationships and experienced what it can be like when another man sincerely respects you and properly learns to trust you and be trust worthy.

Whatever you would like to accomplish, I agree with whoever said you might want to try councelling. It would be beneficial to both of you.
It is my assumption that both of you are still young. He may not have many examples in his life on how to treat women well. So again, councelling may help him see the light. I am a strong believer in second chances and that people can change. But that takes, time and hope and lots of work. Good luck.

He was my first and only serious relationship. I've become so enveloped in his being that it makes it SO HARD to walk away. I need to leave, plain and simple. I just needed that extra kick in the behind from you ladies to help me along the way. Thank you.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

You are a beautiful girl and he is playing Jedi mind tricks with you. Do NOT spend this time with this jerk. Because all I see in the future is more Jedi Mind tricks. If you stick with him he has the classic signs of an Abuser. Can't go to parties, Can't hang out with your girlfriends all under the guise If you love me you will do this for me. Then the next thing you know you cannot even talk to your own family. Get out of that situation Seek Counseling and move on with you life. You have an entire life with great potential ahead of you. Yeah he was your first and I understand the emotions that come from that. But he is NOT the one if he is going to treat you that way.

He should seek counseling also. But take care of yourself and get out of that mess. Easier said than done I know.

Thank you. Yes, it is much easier said then done. I keep thinking of all the girls who he will be with and thinking my life will be miserable without him. I feel like it's just me, and whoever he's with in the future will be much better. I constantly blame myself for many of his actions. It's so unhealthy, and I'm embarrassed to even admit that I think this way.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

"his level of respect for me and virtually all women has went down the toilet"

That statement got to me. You (or no other woman for that matter) deserves to be disrespected by the man that they are considering a long term relationship with.

Please do yourself a favor, and out of respect for yourself, save yourself and be with a man that respects you.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

"his level of respect for me and virtually all women has went down the toilet"

That statement got to me. You (or no other woman for that matter) deserves to be disrespected by the man that they are considering a long term relationship with.

Please do yourself a favor, and out of respect for yourself, save yourself and be with a man that respects you.

Thank you!!

 

[Mai Tai]

I see this happening a LOT. People put unnecessary emphasis on someone being a first -- whether first boyfriend, lover, whatever -- and feel that it creates some extra bond that shouldn't be given up.

Too many women get caught up in the mythology of "the first," when really, "the last" should be the most important one.

I think that's about the realist thing I have heard today.

 

[Mai Tai]

Thank you. Yes, it is much easier said then done. I keep thinking of all the girls who he will be with and thinking my life will be miserable without him. I feel like it's just me, and whoever he's with in the future will be much better. I constantly blame myself for many of his actions. It's so unhealthy, and I'm embarrassed to even admit that I think this way.

Don't be embarrassed sweetie, because the fact that you know that something is wrong speaks volumes about your own motivation to do the right thing. You are young and beautiful, and you are at a point in your life where maturity is overriding your comfort zone.

I have been in your exact same situation before. I was dating this man for 6 years off and on, and during that time, I thought he was the best thing out there. The problem is that from beginning of our relationship, he would cheat on me, and somehow make it my fault. I didn't dress cute enough, or my hair wasn't long enough, or "If I would just _______" then he wouldn't have to cheat. At that time I didn't realize that this was all very manipulative. He would make me feel bad about myself, thus making me feel responsible for his actions.

He would cheat, break up with me, date someone else, get mad when I tried to move on, beg me to take him back...I would...do you see the vicious circle forming?. I would take him back because like you, i didn't think I could stomach seeing him with another woman, or that he would treat another woman like a queen when he treated me like a step-child. These are all mind games that I would play to convince myself that this was the man of my dreams.

The last straw was when we got engaged, he moved in with me (from St. Louis, MO, to Houston, TX.) and within a week, there was another woman calling my house! I finally woke up, and saw how controlling, manipulative, and utterly sorry he was. I told him he had to move out, when he did, changed, the locks, my phone number, and eventually my address. I later realized just how much I let him control my life by how he would tell me how to dress, how to wear my hair, where I could and could not go. He called me names, used me, stole money from me, and even pushed and shoved me a couple of times. I later realized that his actions had absolutely nothing to do with me, but were a reflection of his own insecurity, and low self-esteem. All this from a man that I thought was my first love...

So you see, a lot of us strong ladies on LHCF have been though some sort of bull at one time or another. Please learn from our mistakes, and heed the great advice you have been given so far. You do not have to continue to be with this man because you feel obligated, or some sense of attachment. His actions will only get worse, and the longer you stay, the more bod he will get. Men like this are usually the ones that turn violent, and end up in the news. So lady...pick up your self-esteem, and self respect, and drop the dead weight.

 

[envybeauty]

Folks have said and I think it is true: either you hurt now or you hurt later. Either way it's going to be heartbreaking but you have to chose when to go through with it. I say do it now bc to add more wasted years to heartache later will lead to a lot of regrets.

 

[envybeauty]

I see this happening a LOT. People put unnecessary emphasis on someone being a first -- whether first boyfriend, lover, whatever -- and feel that it creates some extra bond that shouldn't be given up.

Too many women get caught up in the mythology of "the first," when really, "the last" should be the most important one.

Preach! It's bc a lot of women act like they were a virgin on their wedding day (those w/o kids to show otherwise) so they make young women feel bad about not only NOT waiting but also being with another after him. Like it is better to stay miserable with your first than to be happy with your third, etc.

OP don't let anyone guilt you into staying with a loser. Not even you.

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

Don't be embarrassed sweetie, because the fact that you know that something is wrong speaks volumes about your own motivation to do the right thing. You are young and beautiful, and you are at a point in your life where maturity is overriding your comfort zone.

I have been in your exact same situation before. I was dating this man for 6 years off and on, and during that time, I thought he was the best thing out there. The problem is that from beginning of our relationship, he would cheat on me, and somehow make it my fault. I didn't dress cute enough, or my hair wasn't long enough, or "If I would just _______" then he wouldn't have to cheat. At that time I didn't realize that this was all very manipulative. He would make me feel bad about myself, thus making me feel responsible for his actions.

He would cheat, break up with me, date someone else, get mad when I tried to move on, beg me to take him back...I would...do you see the vicious circle forming?. I would take him back because like you, i didn't think I could stomach seeing him with another woman, or that he would treat another woman like a queen when he treated me like a step-child. These are all mind games that I would play to convince myself that this was the man of my dreams.

The last straw was when we got engaged, he moved in with me (from St. Louis, MO, to Houston, TX.) and within a week, there was another woman calling my house! I finally woke up, and saw how controlling, manipulative, and utterly sorry he was. I told him he had to move out, when he did, changed, the locks, my phone number, and eventually my address. I later realized just how much I let him control my life by how he would tell me how to dress, how to wear my hair, where I could and could not go. He called me names, used me, stole money from me, and even pushed and shoved me a couple of times. I later realized that his actions had absolutely nothing to do with me, but were a reflection of his own insecurity, and low self-esteem. All this from a man that I thought was my first love...

So you see, a lot of us strong ladies on LHCF have been though some sort of bull at one time or another. Please learn from our mistakes, and heed the great advice you have been given so far. You do not have to continue to be with this man because you feel obligated, or some sense of attachment. His actions will only get worse, and the longer you stay, the more bod he will get. Men like this are usually the ones that turn violent, and end up in the news. So lady...pick up your self-esteem, and self respect, and drop the dead weight.

This is so true. Especially the bolded. He is sooo insecure and thinks the whole world is out to get him. He is unhappy with himself and thus manifests that into how he treats me. SMH. Thank you!

 

[c0urtr0cbaby]

Folks have said and I think it is true: either you hurt now or you hurt later. Either way it's going to be heartbreaking but you have to chose when to go through with it. I say do it now bc to add more wasted years to heartache later will lead to a lot of regrets.

VERY TRUE. I wish I would've realized this YEARS ago.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

I'm thinking about giving myself space. Honestly, I think he still will bring it up in one way or another. He held me on a pedestal, because I was his first everything. So, me going to parties has "tarnished that." SMH. I have gotten over all the BS he's put me through, which was WAY worse, so yes.

Girl no....that may be a mind game too...The ex that put me on a pedestal and gave me all kind of guilt about having fun and kept accusing me of cheating...HE WAS CHEATING...I am not saying that your man is, but be very careful because they run that "good girl" game on you and make you feel that you have to live up to a certain "standard" and then they are doing all kinds of dirt behind your back. BE CAREFUL.

 

[alwayzalady22]

so...... did you leave him yet?

 

[natural2008]

Hey Honey,
I would suggest for you to leave him.. I just so not understand why he would get mad if you were at a party in college. you should be allowed to enjoy and have fun. Life is short and you only live once. My college years were fun and am happy that I did go to college parties, etc. Maybe while you were away at college he was doing some things he should not have been doing? It will be a heartbreak and will not be easy for you to leave him, but it is just something that you have to find the inner strength to do. Abuse of no kind is healthy and it seems like this VERBAL abuse has weighed you down. How is is that you are going to be in a relationship where the mommy does not like you? This realtionship is not healthy for you and may be it is time for you to move on since you all have been together since you were 15. I say get out and experience new things and more mature men who aren't verbally abusive whose mommmies will love you for the beautiful person that you are.

 

[kinkicurlyfyne]

I see this happening a LOT. People put unnecessary emphasis on someone being a first -- whether first boyfriend, lover, whatever -- and feel that it creates some extra bond that shouldn't be given up.

Too many women get caught up in the mythology of "the first," when really, "the last" should be the most important one.

I am trying to suck myself out of this same situation. Slowly but surely. How is this going, OP? BTW, you are a very cute girl. This man sounds like a virus. He can only do his damage with your help.