Where do I go from here???(Kinda Lengthy)

[naijamerican]

I dont know if you have hear of this song. But there is an old Oscar Brown, Jr. song called “The Snake.” It is about a woman on her way to work on a winter morning. She is walking through the park on her way to the bus stop when she comes across a half frozen, almost dead snake. She feels sorry for the snake. She takes him home and nurses him back to health. Every day she rushes home from work to see how the snake is doing. One day she comes home to find the snake all laid back in the easy chair listening to some soft jazz and sipping some lemonade. She is so glad to see that the snake is well. She picks him up and hugs him close and tells him how happy she is. Just then, the snake opens his mouth and bites her. She screams at the snake and asks him how he could treat her this way after all she has done for him. “You know your bite is poisonous and I will surely die,” she says. “Oh, shut up silly woman,” the snake said with a grin. “You knew darn well I was a snake before you took me in!”

I am so sorry for what you're going through. It's natural to feel angry, confused, bitter, faithless, upset, and the whole range of emotions flowing through you right now. I think that everyone's advice was excellent but what MsHoneyu said takes the cake. Please heed the words of this tale. In the midst of your tears, remember what this man showed you - that he does not care for you, that he does not put you or your needs first. To be honest with you, he may still care for you - but so what? He is so selfish to try to contact you, telling you how much he misses you. He has a baby on the way with another woman, a child conceived while you two were still in a relationship. Cling to the cold hard facts so that, even when you cry, you won't feel so weak as to go back to him.

And don't be surprised that he's still calling you and texting you. After all, he should miss you, because you're obviously an ambitious, discerning, beautiful woman. You had the gumption to open up to people in your life and to seek advice. Humility is a quality that cannot be purchased. In time, I know that you will be healed of this pain.

 

[MzLady78]

Oh sweetie, I feel you. I mean I REALLY feel you.

I haven't read all the replies but I know my ladies have already said everything you need to hear.

In time, you'll be okay. Just hang in there.

 

[leona2025]

I know this is hard for you and just reading about it hurts my own heart. All the ladies here have given excellent advice. I'm 25 and let me tell you a few years ago I went through something like this too. The guy I was seeing went to college and I didn't at the time. He and his family always made me feel like I was worthless. Like I should have been honored that he even noticed me. Girl I hated his momma, anyway, his family always regulated me to that less than role. Like I was always suppose to be supporting actress to his lead. I changed myself so much during that time trying to be what he wanted and money please know that he had none, so I paid for everything even my own birthday presents.

He was my first serious boyfriend and we even had talked about getting married and having kids. When I broke up with him I had the same hopes that you did. That he would realize how much he missed and needed me. He crushed my heart or at least that was what I had thought. How I got over was by immediately dating someone else, but you know what? I still didn't love me. I didn't know who I was. I had let myself become defined by his opinion of me. You know once you let a person know what hurts you they'll use it against you.

The new guy that I jumped right into dating is my husband now. We dated 3 years before getting married. Do you know how much I learned about me. I learned how to be a woman. I learned that your sense of self worth is something nobody can take away from you.

The ex was engaged to two different girls in 1 year. You know how I know. Because he was sure to call me and let me know each time like he was hurting me. Do you know how good it feels to not care. If I seen him in street there's no animosity cause him treating me that way helped me to understand what it is I want and don't want in a man. Once I got hold of my hubby, he ain't perfect, I understood what a man was. He accents me as I do him. You know in things that I am bad at he is able to help me be better, not be better for me. You can't look to a man for your happiness.

If my husband left me today I'd be devastated, but I could keep it moving and be alright cause I know who I am. I know what I want. I have goals and I will reach them. Be strong and leave that man alone. You don't want that baby momma drama. You don't want to have to be constantly wondering what he doing and going through his stuff. You gotta have trust and I feel in this situation you'll never be able to get. You and him or not equals. He on a whole different path. You need to finish school and be great because I know you will.

 

[janaq2003]

I'm sorry you had to experience this. Any hoo... don't allow him to be a priority in your life when you're just an option to him. He's a user and cares nothing about you. It is time for the boot..:hardslap:

 

[treybaby2005]

We have all been where you are right now.All Im saying is when that REAL man comes,you will be EMBARRASSED that you even KNOW this loser.You should be getting mad about that money you loaned his sorry *** that you will probably never see unless his new girl gives it to him.You will be ok.Stay strong and whatever you do,do NOT SLEEP WITH HIM ever again.Trust he is going to try they all do.He's calling you because he realizes the grass ain't greener she probably doesn't have any money for him.Doesn't that sound pathetic?Think about it that could be you.

 

[ArrrBeee]

Charge it to the game of life and keep it moving. It hurts now but it will get easier. When you feel the urge to comfort yourself with food, do jumping jacks or sit ups until it passes.

 

[LadyCee]

Hey ladies,

tanx for the advice once again
i just came back from returning all the things tat I received from the person. i put it all in a box and place in front of the mail box. i no alot of u all might think why guess it was an reality checkfor me?? i kinda feel better too. either way im glad i dont have to see those things anymore. still broken but im counting on God to see me through!!!

 

[vestaluv1]

Girl, be happy that you weren't the one he got pregnant. He's so young that I can see a big possibility of this guy getting more girls pregnant
You're still young and still learning, but trust me when I say, you will look back on this situation and thank God for getting you out of it!
You'll wonder how in the world you stayed around him so long.
The best thing to do in the mean time is try and keep busy, keep working, go out with friends and family, concentrate on your career, etc.

I used to go out with a triflin', conniving sad excuse for a man (thank God it only really lasted a year, although it should have been over from day one... actually I should have never met him at all ) and at the time it hurt when it was over but now I am just thankful that the experience has made me a lot wiser and I am happy that I made a clean break... no kids, no baggage.

As for the him: and I feel sorry for any girl that crosses his path. When I see him around, we talk and I don't really feel anything to be honest. I don't think I ever really loved him anyway... I think I just liked the company and familiarity. You may find this yourself in the future. Sometimes you think you love a person, but you only miss them because they were 'familiar'.
I have done so much better for myself without him around and I have been in a new relationship for some time now. Actually, I started seeing my current partner very close to the time I broke up with my ex, and I was 18/19 at the time... I think it really helped that I had someone else to spend time with.

In time, you'll probably forget the positives about this guy and remember the negatives more.
There are too many guys out there to be worrying about this fool. One day, not too far from now, you will meet a decent one!

 

[LadyCee]

Hey ladies,

Okay im back on this thread because things aren’t settling in for me till dis days
and im seriously at a lost of words. It’s been a couple months since my ex and I
haven’t been together and im still here in shambles and everything thing seems
good w him I broke down one day and ended up seeing him and I am kinda
regretting it but at the same time I find it so hard to get over him. I really don’t want
to call my frnds and cry to them and be the annoying frnd(and yall know how low
that can make u feel) but I feel soo alone as im typing now im deleting thngs
because I do not want you guys to be like damn wats dis girl problem im just
totally at a lost of words and lost if someone could really go thru this for me I thnk
I would help a lot. I really feel like God has forsaken me becaus I don’t see and
reason why im still going thru dis and I have seriously done everything to try to
help myself ive prayed, cried, started working out again and it seems worthless cuz
and its like not helping me get thru it better. Til dis day my ex says and does things
that strikes me so hard I can even bear. Im just venting now.Tears r juss fallng and
I still don’t understand why dis is going on I know to a certain extent it has sumthng
to do w.me but its been about 4months and I feel like im exactly where it all
started. I thnk im going to stop talking to him again because obviously I still have
feelings and have done dum thng til dis day(crying, ive even begged sad
,etc).juss imagining happy and to add happy w.o me make me sick and wat
didn’t I have? Ohh this is hard
=(

 

[chokolate miss]

Hey ladies,
. I thnk im going to stop talking to him again because obviously I still have
feelings and have done dum thng til dis day(crying, ive even begged sad
,etc).juss imagining happy and to add happy w.o me make me sick and wat
didn’t I have? Ohh this is hard
=(

Are we the same person?! I have the same problem with my ex of one year. I blame myself for a lot of the mess. He told me months ago that he got someone pregnant. I knew about her, but he told me it was over and I believed him(stupid). I thought that I would be able to deal with the baby, but I would get so jealous. I wanted him to love me the way that he said he was going to love the baby when it got here. It cut deep. Well after a while we cut things off, because I would get so upset about things. He said that he wanted to be friends and I told him that I couldn't because it hurt so bad. And like you I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about the baby and I would pray that the Lord would take those thoughts away from me. Reading this thread is like therapy to me. I am still going through it, but I have told myself to let go. Does anyone know why a man will tell you that he does not want to be with you, but he won't leave you alone? I think after reading this I need to take control. Don't call him. Don't pick up his calls. LadyCee I think that your feelings are normal (this is coming from me, LOL!) But what your actions after this are what matter. Will you accept these behaviors from another man? Insanity is repeating that same behavior and expecting a different outcome. We have to STOP the INSANITY!!! You'll make it. Some time from now you are going to wonder what the fuss was all about! (((hugs)))

 

[heywenny]

You need to close that chapter of your life and start a new one. One where you find yourself and you will no longer need to go back to the pages of your past with him. Trust, it'll get better ...Been there, done that and 20 years later I plead temporary insanity for those times!

 

[LadyCee]

Are we the same person?! I have the same problem with my ex of one year. I blame myself for a lot of the mess. He told me months ago that he got someone pregnant. I knew about her, but he told me it was over and I believed him(stupid). I thought that I would be able to deal with the baby, but I would get so jealous. I wanted him to love me the way that he said he was going to love the baby when it got here. It cut deep. Well after a while we cut things off, because I would get so upset about things. He said that he wanted to be friends and I told him that I couldn't because it hurt so bad. And like you I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about the baby and I would pray that the Lord would take those thoughts away from me. Reading this thread is like therapy to me. I am still going through it, but I have told myself to let go. Does anyone know why a man will tell you that he does not want to be with you, but he won't leave you alone? I think after reading this I need to take control. Don't call him. Don't pick up his calls. LadyCee I think that your feelings are normal (this is coming from me, LOL!) But what your actions after this are what matter. Will you accept these behaviors from another man? Insanity is repeating that same behavior and expecting a different outcome. We have to STOP the INSANITY!!! You'll make it. Some time from now you are going to wonder what the fuss was all about! (((hugs)))

Thanks alot chokolate

it is alot easier said den done and i never really thought i would e one of the ppl that do such awkward thngs and here i am doing dem. i dont usually realize what ive said or done until after the fact and den im like wow tat wasnt smart ut its hard to come to the realization that i feel so alone and was so use to the person everyone can say just let it go ut when i try i just thnk of the memories and tat i use 2 e happy yeahh im still searching for a remedy or even a shining knight to rescue me like in the movies now i see movies are an exaggeration!

 

[LadyCee]

You need to close that chapter of your life and start a new one. One where you find yourself and you will no longer need to go back to the pages of your past with him. Trust, it'll get better ...Been there, done that and 20 years later I plead temporary insanity for those times!

Yeah i so understand what u mean and where u r coming from and i tell myself all the time i cant wait until years from now and ask myself wat da heck was i thnkng but time is taking to long and i dnt wanna feel all these emotions i juss want them to go away i honestly feel like he wants me miserable and im so on the verge. the feeling of being by urself isnt all tat great.

 

[heywenny]

I used to write letters to him, but never mail them. It was my way of writing off the hurt and getting my feeling out there. I sooo understand what you are going through and it's normal to be hurt, angry, etc. it's all part of the grieving process so to speak, but these feelings can one day, hopefully, be replaced with ones of joy, peace, love and calm (I sound like Soul Train and telling my age!). It's all a learning process and you will not be so easily coerced as time goes. I had a girlfriend who told my husband that I wasn't always the "B" that I am today.

 

[chokolate miss]

Thanks alot chokolate

it is alot easier said den done and i never really thought i would e one of the ppl that do such awkward thngs and here i am doing dem. i dont usually realize what ive said or done until after the fact and den im like wow tat wasnt smart ut its hard to come to the realization that i feel so alone and was so use to the person everyone can say just let it go ut when i try i just thnk of the memories and tat i use 2 e happy yeahh im still searching for a remedy or even a shining knight to rescue me like in the movies now i see movies are an exaggeration!

It's never easy "to just let it go" I really don't like when people tell someone else that. Like cleary you know that you need to do, but c'mon you're hurting right now. I know the feeling of loving someone so hard and they act like they can't stand you at times. Then turn around and beg you to be a part of their life. You are going to make it. It's so crazy to hear you describe the way you feel because I feel the same way. I think your night is around the corner!! We just have to let go of these peasants first...don't let this "man" make you miss your blessing.

 

[LadyCee]

iT DOES seem like we are in the sam situation im just waiting for the day where i wake up and im happy again no longer worrying or thinkng of him cuz i no he isnt of me you know? juss want to be happy again. it juss so hard to detach from a person esp when u were w. dem alot and everyone knew them no ones perfect just never seen him doing me so wrong even after i reconsidered hes obviosuly not caring ughh tanx im going to try really hard not 2 speak 2 him anymore and get over d ut at time i even annoy myself thnx for listening ladies i appreciate ur kind words

 

[chokolate miss]

iT DOES seem like we are in the sam situation im just waiting for the day where i wake up and im happy again no longer worrying or thinkng of him cuz i no he isnt of me you know? juss want to be happy again. it juss so hard to detach from a person esp when u were w. dem alot and everyone knew them no ones perfect just never seen him doing me so wrong even after i reconsidered hes obviosuly not caring ughh tanx im going to try really hard not 2 speak 2 him anymore and get over d ut at time i even annoy myself thnx for listening ladies i appreciate ur kind words

LadyCee,
I just came in to see if you were feeling any better. It does get better, but I think only with time. You look around and realize that x amount of time has passed and you are still alive, still kicking. Even thought you thought that you would not make it. I just want to get myself fully together(for me first) and then for him. Baging body, banging attuitude...So when I see him he just looks dumbfounded. And even if the does't care that's okay, because I'll be doing me. You know, I want to get to the point where my chest isn't heaving and hoeing and you feel like you are about to throw up your heart. Okay, maybe that is just me. You know that Leona Lewis song, Better in Time? Kinda like that. Blessings..chok

 

[Lishaboo]

Oh my! This sound like the loser bf I just broke up with, except he didn't get anyone pregnant. Just thank God for everything that he taken you through b/c if will only make you stronger.

 

[LadyCee]

tanx alot i am doing a lil better im tryng to just forget all of it he was totally mean to me and even after the fact so now im gonna try my est to work on my and not thnk of hym anymore i no it aint going to e easy but ill keep praying..rrally hope thys make me stronger cuz boy did it hurt and i have heard tat song its real nice ill go listen to it now. im trying my best are u doing better??

 

[ebonylocs]

Ummm. Sorry, but what were you doing with this guy in the first place? It sounds like you were just a-giving and he was just a-taking. He was a user.

You sound very young. Chill. Stop messing your head around with this "love" stuff, and go take care of what's important in your life at this point in time.

And yes, most of what you see in the movies about love is exaggeration. Pure fantasy, in fact. This is something we should all know by the time we're 14 years old.

 

[hurricane]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Believe me God is a jealous God. He will take your ( idol ) and turn it against you. I had to learn just like you did. You have to be faithful to him first then he will bless you with someone he has chosen for you and he don't make no junk. He is a glorious King and you are his daughter. Begin to think of yourself as the daughter of a King who loves you more that anyone in this wold. Keep you head up.

 

[LadyCee]

Ummm. Sorry, but what were you doing with this guy in the first place? It sounds like you were just a-giving and he was just a-taking. He was a user.

You sound very young. Chill. Stop messing your head around with this "love" stuff, and go take care of what's important in your life at this point in time.

And yes, most of what you see in the movies about love is exaggeration. Pure fantasy, in fact. This is something we should all know by the time we're 14 years old.

yeah i have realized tat ab the movies lol yeah i guess im still young and i am tryng my best to focus on more impotant thngs like finishing undergrad i should be done in dec and find my path from there i juss wanna be happy with me but sumtimes i lose it lol its not even funny he called me today why? i really dont know i didnt answer and i dont thnk i will anymore ive seen how it was tryng to be his frnd even after the fact and he still made litttle to no effort anywho i need to get back to me i want to reconnect with my family and stuff so ladies please pray for me n tanx again!!!

 

[LadyCee]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Believe me God is a jealous God. He will take your ( idol ) and turn it against you. I had to learn just like you did. You have to be faithful to him first then he will bless you with someone he has chosen for you and he don't make no junk. He is a glorious King and you are his daughter. Begin to think of yourself as the daughter of a King who loves you more that anyone in this wold. Keep you head up.

Aww tats such a great way to look at it...i never really thought of it as that. yes i see now tat God is a jealous God cuz i sure did do alot for this person more den anythng and to make it worse he did me dirty and tats wat furiarted me and made me so confused cuz i never really could see how a person u cared for so much and would do so much for would be the one tat did u amongst the worse. i juss dont want to end by myself i no it sounds dum to say but i did. it did sting really bad but im tryng very hard to move on although i sumtmes throughout the day find myself thnkng of the past and memories and im like ughhh get out of my head NOWW everytime tat happens i pray to God and im like plz rid me of this. all i no is tat he sure did hurt me so bad so bad i still feel it even now

 

[tocktick]

i typed out a whole post regarding your latest update and then lost it. however, i'll just cut to the chase, in order to keep the post shorter.

1) god has not forsaken you. do not absolve yourself of responsibility by bringing god into this. god has shown you many, many times this guy is pathetic. stop punishing yourself by listening to what he has to say.

2) if your friend was going out with a guy who took money from her, cheated multiple times, GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT and was very manipulative what would you tell her? i would hope that since you love your friend, you'd tell her she's worth more and should put this dude on ignore. until you learn to love your self, you'll always be dependent on this guy to make yourself feel valued and validated and as thus you'll keep accepting his calls.

3) this man does not love you. AT ALL. he likes what you are providing (be it money, sex, ego-boosting etc). but you could seriously be any other chick that would fall for this. some men FEED off getting women to be their ride or die. something in your heart is holding on to that little bit of hope that this guy will see he was wrong all along and will get back with you but he will never truly realise this. he may pretend like he does but he is not genuine.

4) men will only get away with what you allow them to. remember this saying for the rest of your life so that you do not spend another 2+ years on some loser dude who is sitting back laughing at you and a bunch of other girls falling for his BS.

5) the best way to heal is to cut out the source of pain and misery. if you stop listening to him talk, you don't give him the power to effect you. take back control.

all the best to you.

 

[Vinyl]

You should either change your number, or start blocking his calls. As long as he keeps calling you/contacting you in some way, it'll make the process SO much harder than if you just cut him out of your life completely.

 

[2Cute!]

I know it hurts now, but honestly, you should be glad that he showed his true colors early on. Trust me, things are good with her NOW, but over time, he will more than likely start treating her the same way. You deserve someone much better. A person never misses their water until their well runs dry. One day, he'll realize what he had...and will probably try to come back. By then you will have moved on and be better off for it.

 

[LadyCee]

i typed out a whole post regarding your latest update and then lost it. however, i'll just cut to the chase, in order to keep the post shorter.

1) god has not forsaken you. do not absolve yourself of responsibility by bringing god into this. god has shown you many, many times this guy is pathetic. stop punishing yourself by listening to what he has to say.

2) if your friend was going out with a guy who took money from her, cheated multiple times, GOT ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT and was very manipulative what would you tell her? i would hope that since you love your friend, you'd tell her she's worth more and should put this dude on ignore. until you learn to love your self, you'll always be dependent on this guy to make yourself feel valued and validated and as thus you'll keep accepting his calls.

3) this man does not love you. AT ALL. he likes what you are providing (be it money, sex, ego-boosting etc). but you could seriously be any other chick that would fall for this. some men FEED off getting women to be their ride or die. something in your heart is holding on to that little bit of hope that this guy will see he was wrong all along and will get back with you but he will never truly realise this. he may pretend like he does but he is not genuine.

4) men will only get away with what you allow them to. remember this saying for the rest of your life so that you do not spend another 2+ years on some loser dude who is sitting back laughing at you and a bunch of other girls falling for his BS.

5) the best way to heal is to cut out the source of pain and misery. if you stop listening to him talk, you don't give him the power to effect you. take back control.

all the best to you.

tanx for ur advice i no wat u are sayng cuz if my frends were going thru tat i would want them to let it go but the thng is i do want to let it go its just like some dum part of me wont allow it. i have tried and i still am i am just tryng to get all the memories out of my mind but dey juss creep rite ack in it can e so annoying and makes me sad and all

 

[LadyCee]

You should either change your number, or start blocking his calls. As long as he keeps calling you/contacting you in some way, it'll make the process SO much harder than if you just cut him out of your life completely.

yeah its hard...he is calling still and sending me random texts like do i still have a cell phone for sell and it makes me wonder so after ive decided to cut you off again u feel like u want to talk 2 me and the only way to do it is ask me such an insignificant question uggghh this frustrates me girls i no he is a jerk i force my self to remember the bad and all but i still seem to get down. it seems like hes still in my mind i wonder if he even thnks of me i doubt oh well i just dont get it. why if u want to forget sumthng ur mind wont allow you i even pray and ask God to help me forget but den i wake up da next day and im like oh great here it is again..

i dont want to be the person tat couldnt live w.o dis person cuz he obviously was and is able to live w.o me. i do hate him i no i do at least i thnk i just want him to feel the pain i feel cuz he use to juss make me thnk we could get thru anythng obviously not okay watever i just cant wait till im like who is he??? tat will be great!!!

btw how do u block calls? dont want to chang my #

 

[LadyCee]

I know it hurts now, but honestly, you should be glad that he showed his true colors early on. Trust me, things are good with her NOW, but over time, he will more than likely start treating her the same way. You deserve someone much better. A person never misses their water until their well runs dry. One day, he'll realize what he had...and will probably try to come back. By then you will have moved on and be better off for it.

yeah true colors alrite i just wanted thngs to be good between us cuz he was my first bf and all and m 21 and i look around and see so many ladies are able to bounce back from sucky relationships in no tyme and im here styll mopping and it gets to me. but i also notice it can be easier for most ppl other den me to meet new guys its really difficult for me idk if its me and if i have a naturally mean look but i find it hard to meet a cool and nice guy tat im attracted to i seem to get guys tat im not so into so when he was around i didnt want him gone cuz i feared i wouldnt find neone else and tats wat its looking like

its not like i dont like being by myself its just seeing others happy and it makes me think wat am i lacking you know???

 

[LadyCee]

well he keeps calling me after the last time he said some hurtful thngs and i told him if he doesnt reply to me he can just stop period. he called yesterday nite left a message with a song tat i loved and tat was when we were just together and happy he said nothng just played the music on my voicemail. i didnt answer ut was so tempted.

ladies...

why is he still calling erplexed