Where do I go from here???(Kinda Lengthy)

[fivetimestwo]

I'm not giving advice per say (I hate to give "advice"), but I will say this: I know it hurts. It's okay. Speaking from experience, please allow yourself to feel what you feel. Surround yourself with people who care about you and involve yourself in things that matter to you. I sincerely hope you don't feel like you have to explain or feel ashamed. This is not your fault. Never for one second should you blame yourself for this situation. A man should never have so much power (either directly or indirectly) that he thinks he can do whatever and you will be right there waiting. I have a name for that type of woman/girl: thirsty. You never want to be the thirsty woman/girl. It's not a good look.

I know right now it doesn't seem like you will get through this, but you will. Two years seems like a long time because you are young. I can say that I know a lot of women who wish they could've gotten the signs that early. Better two years, than three, four and so on. Another poster stated that be happy he got the other chick preggers and not you (ITA). Trust me kids only skew your vision more when you have a jerk on your hands. You and him have no ties (other than to your heart strings). That's a blessing right there.

Just know that you are much stronger than you think and you will get through this and things will be better.

 

[frizzy]

I really hated reading your story. You probably will never forget him, but you will move on. It sounds like you are still in denial, but when you start to get angry-that's when the healing begins.

Sometimes life sucks, but it only lasts a little while.

 

[chokolate miss]

well he keeps calling me after the last time he said some hurtful thngs and i told him if he doesnt reply to me he can just stop period. he called yesterday nite left a message with a song tat i loved and tat was when we were just together and happy he said nothng just played the music on my voicemail. i didnt answer ut was so tempted.

ladies...

why is he still calling erplexed

i think maybe because he is selfish. i am really rooting for you, honestly. this is quite corny, but i am going to say it: you have to take the power away from him. i really does not matter why he is calling. no man that cared about you would make you hurt so much from the inside. i know that we do not know each other IRL, but it pains me to read your story. i always ask my friends advice for my relationships. i would ask "well if he does not want to be with, me like he says, why does he keep coming back?" well one reason is because he knows that he can. a lot of men seem to not want you, or may neglect you, but yet they do not want you to move on. it is about having control. as i said before you need to take power back. you need to take control of the situation. like others stated dont answer the phone. dont go by his place when he tells you that he misses you and wants to see you. it's not going to be easy. work on it day by day. next thing you know a week will have gone by. then a month and so on and so on. i'm praying for you

 

[leona2025]

You should either change your number, or start blocking his calls. As long as he keeps calling you/contacting you in some way, it'll make the process SO much harder than if you just cut him out of your life completely.

As long as he can call and text he will. You need to change your number and don't give him the new one. I did that before. If you keep rehashing. If you keep going over the good and the bad in him. You'll never get over him. How can you when you are dwelling on it everyday? We can give you all the advice in the world. We can tell you how we got through these same obstacles, but until you are really ready to put it down and let it go we're just wasting our keystrokes. When I decided that I was really through with my ex, I did change my number and it hurt to know that I might be missing that call where he finally made up his mind that he was ready to do right. The only reason I can really see for not changing the number is becasue you want him to be able to reach you. You can't wait around on a man.

 

[treybaby2005]

well he keeps calling me after the last time he said some hurtful thngs and i told him if he doesnt reply to me he can just stop period. he called yesterday nite left a message with a song tat i loved and tat was when we were just together and happy he said nothng just played the music on my voicemail. i didnt answer ut was so tempted.

ladies...

why is he still calling erplexed

because he can.Why are you concerned with someone elses's man now?Because that is what he is.You didn't want to change your number and he will probably continue to call long after his new girl is the next you.
I know it can be hard to get over but you are wasting your valuable 20's crying over this arsehole when you could be with your king who respects you.No man with another woman is going to be calling me and I would be sitting back thinking "why is he calling me" crap.Its because he can.Its what guys do to keep their one foot in the door rule incase the new girl messes up or you decide to get with the program in his eyes and be down with him having two women.

 

[Recovering Weave-aholic]

Lady Cee - my sister sent me your original post and i just read the entire thread. Thank God for you, your post and all the responses. It was like therapy for me (and it was free). I am going through a very similar situation right now. When I graduated from college I met a man and we were together for 4 years. This was my first relationship and I gave it all I had to give (and some stuff i didn't have to give). I opened up my heart, soul, mind, home, BANK ACCOUNT to this man. Over the course of the relationship I essentially molded myself into the woman that I thought he wanted - not the woman God intended me to be.

Fast forward 4 years of BS (he cheated, got arrested more times than I can count, physical abuse, I paid ALL the bills, etc.) he ended up getting a girl pregnant (she is 19, he is 34). I did everything he ever asked of me for 4 years of my life and he just left me.

I still struggle with it (certain songs send me down that path) but by the grace of God I realize that all things happen for a reason and through all the pain I am a better woman now (alone) than I was when I was with him. And I might get lonely sometime I would rather be alone and working on ME than be back in that situation.

I have to remind myself that I did the best I could in that relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I sowed good seeds (supportive, loving, honest, dedicated) and God willing I will reap the same. Right now focus on redirecting all the energy you gave him back to yourself.

I also realized that I had to come to terms with the fact that I don't hate this man. I thought the best way to get over it was to make myself hate him - to focus on all the pain he caused me. But when you think about it that doesn't make sense. Hate is a negative emotion and how can I expect something positive when i am putting negative energy out there? I am far from in love with him but like it or not there is still some sort of love there. I pray that he becomes the man that God intended him to be. God had to teach me lessons in life and he was a part of those lessons. 'He is a part of your story but by no means the end of it.'

I am praying for you sis - and just remember you are not the only person going through this. And go buy the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill...good CD for this phase of life.

God bless.

 

[LadyCee]

I'm not giving advice per say (I hate to give "advice"), but I will say this: I know it hurts. It's okay. Speaking from experience, please allow yourself to feel what you feel. Surround yourself with people who care about you and involve yourself in things that matter to you. I sincerely hope you don't feel like you have to explain or feel ashamed. This is not your fault. Never for one second should you blame yourself for this situation. A man should never have so much power (either directly or indirectly) that he thinks he can do whatever and you will be right there waiting. I have a name for that type of woman/girl: thirsty. You never want to be the thirsty woman/girl. It's not a good look.

I know right now it doesn't seem like you will get through this, but you will. Two years seems like a long time because you are young. I can say that I know a lot of women who wish they could've gotten the signs that early. Better two years, than three, four and so on. Another poster stated that be happy he got the other chick preggers and not you (ITA). Trust me kids only skew your vision more when you have a jerk on your hands. You and him have no ties (other than to your heart strings). That's a blessing right there.

Just know that you are much stronger than you think and you will get through this and things will be better.

yeah i am trying alot to just let it go and not think of it as my lost. i know i did everythng i could to make us happy and in the end it wasnt enough. im not trying to say i want to be w him anymore im just digusted y his ways. i pray and will continue to pray that one day i will not cry a this anymore but be grateful.

 

[LadyCee]

I really hated reading your story. You probably will never forget him, but you will move on. It sounds like you are still in denial, but when you start to get angry-that's when the healing begins.

Sometimes life sucks, but it only lasts a little while.

tanx for the hugs need them badly. its somethng i would never wish on anyone cuz its a terrible feeling. i hate thinking about too just want it gone its so funny how u can make urself forget somethngs and usually quickly but sometimes others r so difficult to forget. i rather let go then think about this everyday and cry about all the time its not healthy and not worth it but seems like my mind is playing w me n wont let me.

 

[LadyCee]

i think maybe because he is selfish. i am really rooting for you, honestly. this is quite corny, but i am going to say it: you have to take the power away from him. i really does not matter why he is calling. no man that cared about you would make you hurt so much from the inside. i know that we do not know each other IRL, but it pains me to read your story. i always ask my friends advice for my relationships. i would ask "well if he does not want to be with, me like he says, why does he keep coming back?" well one reason is because he knows that he can. a lot of men seem to not want you, or may neglect you, but yet they do not want you to move on. it is about having control. as i said before you need to take power back. you need to take control of the situation. like others stated dont answer the phone. dont go by his place when he tells you that he misses you and wants to see you. it's not going to be easy. work on it day by day. next thing you know a week will have gone by. then a month and so on and so on. i'm praying for you

yeah as much as he said that he cared its apparent tat he really didnt. actions most def. speak louder den words and hmm im seeing the light now i just have to turn away or block it from my eyes cuz its burning .i no corny oh well. yeah i quess he had tat over me and im still allowing him to have it. i need prayer tats all i know cuz ive tried alot of thngs. i want to go back to the way i use 2 be but he took a g piece out of me.

 

[LadyCee]

As long as he can call and text he will. You need to change your number and don't give him the new one. I did that before. If you keep rehashing. If you keep going over the good and the bad in him. You'll never get over him. How can you when you are dwelling on it everyday? We can give you all the advice in the world. We can tell you how we got through these same obstacles, but until you are really ready to put it down and let it go we're just wasting our keystrokes. When I decided that I was really through with my ex, I did change my number and it hurt to know that I might be missing that call where he finally made up his mind that he was ready to do right. The only reason I can really see for not changing the number is becasue you want him to be able to reach you. You can't wait around on a man.

yeah i thought of doing tat but den i was like why do i have 2 be the one changing my number and hiding. its him tat caused all the pain to me. he should be miserale not me! by the looks of it its reverse mode.umm i am going to look into blocking his number actually and not answer unknown numbers or private calls nemore...

yeh dwellving sucks no lie but i dnt want to dwell it just always creeps in my mind i dont ask it too. heh. well hopefully when classes start again in fall ill have other thngs 2 occupy my mind with.

and no i really appreciate everyones advice, yall definetly not wasting my time i feel like through this people actually care and arent annoyed with me quite yet.erplexed

 

[LadyCee]

[/b]
because he can.Why are you concerned with someone elses's man now?Because that is what he is.You didn't want to change your number and he will probably continue to call long after his new girl is the next you.
I know it can be hard to get over but you are wasting your valuable 20's crying over this arsehole when you could be with your king who respects you.No man with another woman is going to be calling me and I would be sitting back thinking "why is he calling me" crap.Its because he can.Its what guys do to keep their one foot in the door rule incase the new girl messes up or you decide to get with the program in his eyes and be down with him having two women.

very true.hes a jerk. cant believe i fell for him.ughh neways.i dont want 2 be tat girl becauze i wouldnt want no1 to either.

 

[LadyCee]

Lady Cee - my sister sent me your original post and i just read the entire thread. Thank God for you, your post and all the responses. It was like therapy for me (and it was free). I am going through a very similar situation right now. When I graduated from college I met a man and we were together for 4 years. This was my first relationship and I gave it all I had to give (and some stuff i didn't have to give). I opened up my heart, soul, mind, home, BANK ACCOUNT to this man. Over the course of the relationship I essentially molded myself into the woman that I thought he wanted - not the woman God intended me to be.

Fast forward 4 years of BS (he cheated, got arrested more times than I can count, physical abuse, I paid ALL the bills, etc.) he ended up getting a girl pregnant (she is 19, he is 34). I did everything he ever asked of me for 4 years of my life and he just left me.

I still struggle with it (certain songs send me down that path) but by the grace of God I realize that all things happen for a reason and through all the pain I am a better woman now (alone) than I was when I was with him. And I might get lonely sometime I would rather be alone and working on ME than be back in that situation.

I have to remind myself that I did the best I could in that relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I sowed good seeds (supportive, loving, honest, dedicated) and God willing I will reap the same. Right now focus on redirecting all the energy you gave him back to yourself.

I also realized that I had to come to terms with the fact that I don't hate this man. I thought the best way to get over it was to make myself hate him - to focus on all the pain he caused me. But when you think about it that doesn't make sense. Hate is a negative emotion and how can I expect something positive when i am putting negative energy out there? I am far from in love with him but like it or not there is still some sort of love there. I pray that he becomes the man that God intended him to be. God had to teach me lessons in life and he was a part of those lessons. 'He is a part of your story but by no means the end of it.'

I am praying for you sis - and just remember you are not the only person going through this. And go buy the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill...good CD for this phase of life.

God bless.

im happy tat it has helped you a little. this helps me too. and whenever i go through the slumps of this ridiculous breakup i write. even if no says nethng i feel like i got it off my chest and it seems better at tat moment. when u feel down try writing too. im sorry it has happened to you. seems like its a repetitive thing going on nowadays so i shouldnt allow it to talk so much of a toll on me right? hmm.

talking about therapy i kinds think ill go to my skewls counselors office and see if i can get better through tat. ive contemplated it and imagined wat people will say and w.e and wat the people in the office will think of me since im sobbng over this and theres way worse out there but some take this better den others and unfort. for me im not doing too well. and plus i thnk its free and cant afford one anyways.

i guess guys tend to do these thngs to the girls tat basically allow cuz like you said and like ive done i gave my all and was always there but they still ended up f'ing around. so i really do see my lesson. altho it hurts to say i did make some mistakes. i never did hurt him, but i allowed him to hurt me and i should have just stopped there in the beggining but i didnt. if anythng i wont allow any other person 2 do tat 2 me again. i guess once a cheater always a cheater so juss let them go before u end up broken hearted.

i dont hate him. im just completely angry. when i finally let tat anger go and hopefully soon maybe ill be in a happer place in my life. til den ill keep praying and im praying for ya too!! ill look into the lauren hill cd. ty.

 

[new-life]

Yeah i so understand what u mean and where u r coming from and i tell myself all the time i cant wait until years from now and ask myself wat da heck was i thnkng but time is taking to long and i dnt wanna feel all these emotions i juss want them to go away i honestly feel like he wants me miserable and im so on the verge. the feeling of being by urself isnt all tat great.

OBVIOUSLY. Misery loves company, and you're giving him what he wants.

ETA: I read the rest and it seems like you're understanding what was said above. I hope you get through this because it makes me mad and sad to read this because I was the same way not too long ago- even though our situations were completely different. Just know that TIME DOES HEAL (as cliche as that sounds). Ppl used to tell me that all the time and I would just roll my eyes because I still didn't feel better; but now that I'm over it, those 3 words mean so much more to me.