He used to go to sex parlors and swapping clubs...

[yokoyokogirl]

A good friend of mine and I had lunch today. She has been married to her hubby (who seems like a nice, hardworking, regular guy) for almost two years now. They are pretty much happily married and trying to have a kid now.

She's pretty close to his mom and was helping her do some early spring cleaning in her house, packing up stuff to go to the resale shop. When she got to her hubby's old room, she found some odd looking receipts and party invites, which she checked out.

Seems as tho loving hubby used to frequent sex parlors and swapping clubs back before they met. Now she pretty much trusted him 100% before she saw this (and she told me he once told her he paid for sex once when he was younger) Even tho this stuff she found is from almost a year before they started dating, she said the fact that he did that makes her wonder about their future together. And she said "what would I (me) do"??

I really didn't know what to say, as I don't have the best dating record myself and kinda distrust most men in general. What say you ladies?

 

[hopeful]

I would stay out of it if I were you. It sounds like he may not be who she thought he was or the type of man she wants to spend her life with. She needs to have a long talk with him. Stories like this are not going to help you heal from your past hurt. She needs to handle this with her husband and/or talk to someone else.

 

[JustKiya]

So, he used to be a hound-dog - and? A whole lot of people used to do things before they were married that they don't do anymore......... ........ unless their partner wants to do it, too.

I would wonder why it makes her wonder about their future - does she have fears that he will cheat? Is she concerned that she's not enough 'woman' for him? Does she think he has a hidden sex addiction?

What would I do? over it, and move on.

 

[Day Dreamer]

I think that this is something that she should ask him about; not in an accusatory way but just ask in a nice conversational way and see what he says. This is a topic that should be discussed between them and them alone and not involve her friends or his friends. What would I do? I would do exactly as i wrote and once he gives me an answer depending on what it is, I would know what to do or say next.

 

[Solti]

Why he saved that stuff is beyond me but I'm married and don't think I would care if it were me. The only problem I would have is if it seemed like he was still dipping into that lifestyle behind my back, like she has seen some suspicious behavior but finding that alone, is nothing to trip on, its in his past, let it stay there.

 

[mscocoface]

Has she been tested for STD's first? You said she is trying to have a baby now right?

Sorry just came out of another thread.

If he can turn that off just like that kudos to him. I have not seen that done before, but there is always a first time for everything. It would give me a reason to stop and wonder if he is through with that though.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

.... I'm going to be un-PC and not go along with what will inevitably be posted:

He told her about it in the past. Depending on the rules of engagement and the company, he was probably required to use lots of protection or show a clean bill of health (as would others). The fact that you can document that he's been sexually free doesn't make him any more or less of a free bird than if he were a man who: 1) Refused to tell you how many women he's been with and how he got with them or 2) Lied to you so you would STFU and move on anyway.

Unless he's demonstrated a desire to cheat and emotionally/sexually/physically/spiritually there's something going on, she needs to let that ish go. And if she wants to talk to ANYONE about it... it need not be you, but him. (And that's NO offense to you, but you're not him.)

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Thanks. Yeah I'm pretty sure she didn't ask me cause she wanted me to get involved, but she was just really torn up about it and I guess needed to talk to someone.

Looking at him, I would never imagined him as that type of man--but geez, what do I know??!

I don't think she had any concerns of him doing that type of stuff, but like she said, it was in some old stuff in his room at his parents house. I got the idea that she was packing his stuff up, taking things out to the resale shop. And he knew she was there helping his mom, so I pretty sure he wouldn't knowingly let her pack up his stuff if he knew there were hints to his past hanging round in the closet. So he prolly forgot all about that stuff...

Anyways I think they have been tested for STDs, cause she works in healthcare, but you never know.

I kinda agree with JustKiya--ppl can do things in the past and move on from that, but at the same time I dunno how I would feel knowing my hubby used to do that type of stuff...I just don't know.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Yeah thanks for the reply Lauryn...you are usually on it. But I think when we met today she was just a little devastated about the whole thing. Kinda like, "how do you approach talking about that with your hubby?"

"Um I love you but it appears you used to ho around?" I really had no words. I always think, "what would a man say if he found something like that out about me, his wife???"

Then again, I added, "ppl shouldn't be asking me about relationship advice, as I don't have a man."

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Yea I'd probably need to talk too, but got damned girl what have you done in your past life?

all types of freaky people all in your aura... we gotta sweeten and purify your soul baby... sweeten it ...purify it.... *throwing florida water, and powdered sugar at your aura*


ETA --- Well, I don't know. I guess I would have to mellow out - maybe she could have some wine... and then say, "Hey baby I found these receipts, cards, etc. in your room. I remember you telling me you did x/y/z before, and I want to know if this was related to all of that?"

It's hard but if you go in as sweet and unassuming (while letting him know you've connected the dots)... you can probably get him to tell you what you want to know (as long as you can handle it). lol

 

[yokoyokogirl]

I haven't done anything crazy myself in the past, I just had bad relationships with men and am overall distrusting of them all.

(Which prolly isn't healthy)

So that's why I'm like "don't ask me, I think all men hiding secrets and am no longer suprised by anything"---so that's why I was like "Yoko isn't the best person to ask about these things..."

 

[awhyley]

*just lurking*

 

[Zaynab]

I don't think it's that big of a deal. It doesn't mean he's a cheater, that he will cheat, etc. Sounds like typical single man stuff, especially now that it's pretty common. If I were her I probably wouldn't even say anything to him about it unless she's with it It would probably make him feel embarassed. Men do try to tame their wild side when they get married.

I wonder though if he went to sex clubs and swingers setups, wouldn't she have an inkling of that kind of thing by...errmm...umm when they have sex? Meaning that folks like that aren't just in there straight missionary

Anyway, I think women are often surprised at the things single men do. I'm not, I hear it all and don't forget the whole "college train thing" that's like a single man's rite of massage almost

 

[Zaynab]

Yea I'd probably need to talk too, but got damned girl what have you done in your past life?

all types of freaky people all in your aura... we gotta sweeten and purify your soul baby... sweeten it ...purify it.... *throwing florida water, and powdered sugar at your aura*


ETA --- Well, I don't know. I guess I would have to mellow out - maybe she could have some wine... and then say, "Hey baby I found these receipts, cards, etc. in your room. I remember you telling me you did x/y/z before, and I want to know if this was related to all of that?"

It's hard but if you go in as sweet and unassuming (while letting him know you've connected the dots)... you can probably get him to tell you what you want to know (as long as you can handle it). lol

Yeah, she'd have to be seem "sexually curious" for him to open up about it, if she hasn't seen that side to him. And it might be that's just how he was when he was single.

Lauren your other post was dead on--folks that swing and swap have more "papers" that a thorough bred horse so he's most likely disease free, IDK

 

[yokoyokogirl]

Yeah, she'd have to be seem "sexually curious" for him to open up about it, if she hasn't seen that side to him. And it might be that's just how he was when he was single.

For some reason she seems so not like the person who would be adventurous in bed. I remember having the whole anal convo with her and she said "her husband is so not into that" erplexed

Lauren your other post was dead on--folks that swing and swap have more "papers" that a thorough bred horse so he's most likely disease free, IDK

ITA

 

[Zaynab]

For some reason she seems so not like the person who would be adventurous in bed. I remember having the whole anal convo with her and she said "her husband is so not into that" erplexed


ITA

Sheeiiiittt...I betIf he's gone to sex clubs, I'm sure he's down for backdoor action

 

[ambergirl]

The real question is, was this some sort of phase or is this type of sexual behavior still attractive to him and he's just laying low for the time being (or engaged on the sly). One or two receipts = experimentation. Much more then that and you gotta wonder if this is how homeboy rolls. That your friend is not sexually adventurous REALLY makes me wonder because I find it hard to believe someone into group sex wouldn't want something more daring than vanilla sex.

Either is completely possible and really it's only an issue if this is something he is still involved with or wants to revist at some point. And trust, there are plenty of men out there with secret sex lives. Case in point....one of my mom's best friends found out her man was an active transvestite 30+ years into the marriage!

The trick is how to figure out what the real deal is. It doesn't sound like she found this stuff out by snooping so I think its fair game to raise it with him. But in a very light hearted, non judgemental and non accusatory way. And she should be VERY prepared for the answer....it could go a lot of different directions so unless she's ready for that she should leave it alone.

 

[JustKiya]

Okay I'm going to go against the flow and say

The real question is, was this some sort of phase or is this type of sexual behavior still attractive to him and he's just laying low for the time being (or engaged on the sly). One or two receipts = experimentation. Much more then that and you gotta wonder if this is how homeboy rolls. That your friend is not sexually adventurous REALLY makes me wonder because I find it hard to believe someone into group sex wouldn't want something more daring vanilla sex.

Either is completely possible and really it's only an issue if this is something he is still involved with or wants to revist at some point. And trust, there are plenty of men out there with secret sex lives. Case in point....one of my mom's best friends found out her man was an active transvestite 30+ years into the marriage!

The trick is how to figure out what the real deal is. It doesn't sound like she found this stuff out by snooping so I think its fair game to raise it with him. But in a very light hearted, non judgemental and non accusatory way. And she should be VERY prepared for the answer....it could go a lot of different directions so unless she's ready for that she should leave it alone.

I'm not disagreeing with you - it's all possible.

But, sometimes you feel like a nut. From a whole lot of different trees. And that sometimes can last for years. And then, you grow a bit, learn a bit, love a bit, hurt a bit, and decide that vanilla tastes damn good.

I'm just saying.

 

[PJaye]

Has she been tested for STD's first? You said she is trying to have a baby now right?

Sorry just came out of another thread.

If he can turn that off just like that kudos to him. I have not seen that done before, but there is always a first time for everything. It would give me a reason to stop and wonder if he is through with that though.

This was my first thought after reading the OP.

I wouldn't advise her to do anything other than getting a complete physical work-up, but I would tell her that I would support any decision she made.

 

[ambergirl]

I'm not disagreeing with you - it's all possible.

But, sometimes you feel like a nut. From a whole lot of different trees. And that sometimes can last for years. And then, you grow a bit, learn a bit, love a bit, hurt a bit, and decide that vanilla tastes damn good.

I'm just saying.

Yeah girl...if you're a woman! We all know men rarely learn squat!

Okay maybe he just passed through this lifestyle and has moved on...and maybe he hasn't....wouldn't you want to know either way?

 

[Bene]

This was before they got married. It was before they even started dating. If these things were dated AFTER they were in a committed relationship, then she would have something to worry about. She needs to step back and assess the situation. She really can't hold this against him because this was before they had anything serious going on.


Also, I don't know if this is the right time or place to ask this, but do sex parlors give receipts that say "Sex Parlor" on them, or have bills itemized to indicate some sort of sexual favor? Maybe, for the sake of argument, he went into one of those places and got a massage with a happy ending?

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ To me it's not about holding his past behavior against him. It's about what's up with him today because we know past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

But you raise a good point. Maybe the so called evidence is not very incriminating or clear. Still I would say something - not to judge, condemn, accuse - but to better understand the man I'm married to.

 

[Bene]

^^^ To me it's not about holding his past behavior against him. It's about what's up with him today because we know past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

But you raise a good point. Maybe the so called evidence is not very incriminating or clear. Still I would say something - not to judge, condemn, accuse - but to better understand the man I'm married to.

That doesn't always hold true. People do sometimes change. It would kind of suck to treat the man like a suspect just because of some things he did in the past, especially if there's no evidence that he's doing something now.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I feel ambergirl and Bene's points.

and aside of recommending she get tested (anyone should, really)... no crazy arse remarks have entered this thread... they're all in Ellis' thread...

 

[ambergirl]

That doesn't always hold true. People do sometimes change. It would kind of suck to treat the man like a suspect just because of some things he did in the past, especially if there's no evidence that he's doing something now.

Of course that's not always true. Of course people change.

But come on now, how many times have we when some one posts a story about how they hooked up with some dude with a shady history and then were so surprised when said dude proceeded to do shady things?

Personally I would ask him about it. I like Lauren Doll's approach. Keep it mellow and light hearted. But understand that not everybody would want to take that approach.

 

[JustKiya]

Yeah girl...if you're a woman! We all know men rarely learn squat!

Okay maybe he just passed through this lifestyle and has moved on...and maybe he hasn't....wouldn't you want to know either way?

Hrm. I don't know, honestly. It's - it's a hard question to wrap my mind around, because knowing me, I would have known a minute ago. If I was, and had always been, super vanilla, and found these in DH's pre-Kiya stuff - - I might ask him for tales and a a reasoning as to why he went there - but, even still, I don't think I would honestly be concerned about him still going. I dunno.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^^ I hear you...the thing is if you go there you have to be ready for what ever follows....could ease your mind, could rock your world, could have you changing your religion

I'm one of those fools who just gotta know! That's why I find myself in trouble on the regular

 

[Cheleigh]

I'd ask him if we could go together....

But more seriously, we all have skeletons in our closet. And even if I was a freak before marriage, it doesn't mean I'll continue to be so. Since ol' boy did all this before he dated his wife, it seems that it was something he was experimenting with. Maybe it will bubble back to the surface after 10, 15 years of marriage, but that would be the case anyway (that someone gets a hankering to do something different after a long time of the same). Maybe it's an opposites attract thing--a guy into rocky road picks a gal into vanilla.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

This was before they got married. It was before they even started dating.

I was thinking about this and kinda agree. I mean if it was some back door action, then I'd be like "Hell naw..." but actually how many married, straight, seemingly honest men get handjobs, bjs, or flat out sex while abroad? I know quite a few Navy guys here who think it's no big deal, and cheaper (less of a hassle) than having a gf. So maybe it is possible that he did this all before, when he was wilder and is over that now that he's happily married.

I do remember her talking about he was pretty popular in high school, a part of the football team and an avid surfer. He had a different "girlfriend" every month, but now he seems so happy to just be with her.

Also, I don't know if this is the right time or place to ask this, but do sex parlors give receipts that say "Sex Parlor" on them, or have bills itemized to indicate some sort of sexual favor? Maybe, for the sake of argument, he went into one of those places and got a massage with a happy ending?

I was thinking that too...you know how I be investigating after stuff...but it wasn't anything like that, just flyers for what basically seemed to sex clubs and those "Asian Massage places"--the receipts said something like "Total Enterprises"--which sounds flat out kinky anyways.

She wasn't snooping at all either, she was helping his mom clean out the rooms in the house in order to move the great-grandma in.

I haven't talked to her about it since, but I'm going to ask her what she will do.

Thanks for your insight!

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

^^ Do you mean given or received back door action? If the latter its DEFINITELY a NO and she'd be lucky if she found out now so she could go running before they had any kids. As far as just the hetero stuff, I don't think it's a dealbreaker although I'm sure I'd have a very hard time with it. It's up to her and how she's going to deal with her feelings on it, I don't think advice can help much here. I have a feeling it's something that's going to haunt her for a while...

I wonder why he kept those receipts, there wouldn't have been a money back guarantee lol. They must be good memories for him...