He Said "Let Me Be"......

Monilove122

Monilove122

New Member
I haven't posted in quite some time anywhere in LHCF and happened upon here today to check out recipes and here I am in the relationship forum.

So, just a little history...My Mom SUDDENLY and UNEXPECTEDLY passed away in May which left me devastated to say the least. Prior to her passing I was just starting to date this guy that she actually knew. His Dad and my Mom grew up together and we've known eachother for years. After her passing we grew even closer as he had a storm going on in his life as well. It just seemed we "fit"....we started doing everything together and because we were already friends, we had a ball together. Now mind you, we both tried our best to keep in perspective the fact that it could be that we were using eachother as distraction but because we were dating before things happened we pushed it off to the side. We were talking marriage and everything. Now, I know he had alot on his plate ad obviously I did too but we committed to one another to be honest and to do everything we could to make things work.

Okay, so now here is the scenario....this past Sunday morning I left him after sharing a great evening on Saturday of just movies and chilling at his house and things were fine. He kissed me and said I'll call you later because he was headed to work. Sunday night goes by, no phone call or word, Monday I get off work and have not heard from this boy so I go to his house after calling him and texting him all day and he's not home. Tuesday, no word...I text his best friend who tells me he's heard from him and he's fine...WAIT, HOLD UP!!!!

I finally hear from him Wednesday late afternoon, and he tells me "Sorry for making you worry about me. I truly don't deserve your concern but, I've been busy and I have alot going on in my life. I'm not happy with my life right now and need to be by myself. I don't want to go into detail or explain any further."

PUMP YOUR BRAKES.....I'm left with one question that he hasn't answered which is WHAT HAPPENED??!!!!!! I'm heartbroken as I just knew he was "the one". I'm confused and actually sent him several text messages saying NO, I will not just leave you alone and let you be. This is not how you handle things but rather I will give you 3 weeks of space and we will revisit this whole thing. However, after sleeping on it I think I'll just give him what he wants. Again, I know this boy has alot going on that I won't get into but, what happened from Sunday to Sunday night? He says it's nothing I did and that I did everything right...

I just don't get it. *HEARTBROKEN*
 
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I'm really sorry you're going through this. Heartbreak is a terrible thing, especially when there is no closure.

I think he's pretty much told you he doesn't want you around. I suggest you believe him and try your best to move on. I would appreciate the fact that he's let you know now, rather than when things had progressed even further.

I would not pester him. Let him be, as he requested.

The way, I think of it is this: When you spend time pining after someone who doesn't want you, your real soul-mate could be walking right past you, and you'd never notice him. Obviously it's way too early to start think about dating other people, but just keep in mind that the sooner you allow yourself to heal, the better it will be for you in the long run.

HTH. E-hugs!!
 
Moni, first I'd like to say my heart goes out to you for your sudden loss. May your mom R.I.P. and I hope each passing day gets better for you. (((BIG HUG)))

What really stood out to me in your above post was the below comment as highlighted:

Monilove122 said:
Now mind you, we both tried our best to keep in perspective the fact that it could be that we were using each other as distraction but because we were dating before things happened we pushed it off to the side. We were talking marriage and everything. Now, I know he had alot on his plate ad obviously I did too but we committed to one another to be honest and to do everything we could to make things work.
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It sounds like you got caught up before there was an official title. It also appeared there were excuses used by him (so busy, so much on his plate, blah blah) to not pursue something long-term with you.

We can speculate as to why he suddenly pulled the rug up under you, but I think the writing was on the wall and you just chose to ignore it (possibility of using each other).

I think your energy right now should focus on moving on with your life. He is not serious about you. Wanna bet he comes back knocking a few months or years later? They always do. ALWAYS. Just don't let him back in, please.

Stop with the texting and asking why, and do not bother to give him time to think things through. He's already made his decision and his actions speak it. He's not worth your time, hun.
 
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Rastafarai said:
It sounds like you got caught up before there was an official title. It also appeared there were excuses used by him (so busy, so much on his plate, blah blah) to not pursue something long-term with you.
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Thanks for the responses ladies....we actually did have titles, we were boyfriend/girlfriend. That happened back in June so it was 2 months of us being "official" that's why I'm like WHAAAAAAT??!!! I'm your woman, how do you just tell me that? Sorry I left that part out. LOL

And thanks for your hugs because I certainly need them...missing my Mom like crazy and getting over heartbreak is something I've never experienced before of course!!!

I consider myself a VERY good judge of character and am always the type that bounces when I see stuff that doesn't add up (probably too quickly according to some of my friends, lol). But when I tell you this caught me completely off guard, I mean it caught me COMPLETELY off guard.
 
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I agree with the other posters. Him pulling away suddenly is not a good sign for a long term relationship, including marriage. He was not being considerate of your feelings and emotional state, especially given the sudden loss of your mother. Why put you through that a second time (a sudden loss)? Whatever he is going through, wish him well but move on. You both came together at a time when life was equally chaotic for both of you but that is not a sign that he is meant to be your husband.

I also agree that you were not his girlfriend. Many people talk about marriage but that does not mean that they want to marry the one they are talking to. I'm of the opinion that your relationship status should be CLEAR every step of the way. Simply talking about marriage or kissing a person does not mean that you are his girlfriend in an exclusive relationship. Who knows..maybe he is seeing someone else. Maybe not. But it appears that there is room for interpretation as to your relationship status with him.

I'm sorry for your pain bc it has to be extra sore given the sudden loss of your mom. I pray that you get comfort from the right people at this time in your life.
 
Sorry this happened to you. Let him be. If a man says he wants you to leave him alone, trust that be means it. You pursuing him is not going to make him want you back. Leave him alone.

Sorry about the loss of your mother. Take care of yourself.
 
Holla said:
You both came together at a time when life was equally chaotic for both of you but that is not a sign that he is meant to be your husband.

I also agree that you were not his girlfriend. Many people talk about marriage but that does not mean that they want to marry the one they are talking to. I'm of the opinion that your relationship status should be CLEAR every step of the way. Simply talking about marriage or kissing a person does not mean that you are his girlfriend in an exclusive relationship. Who knows..maybe he is seeing someone else. Maybe not. But it appears that there is room for interpretation as to your relationship status with him.

I'm sorry for your pain bc it has to be extra sore given the sudden loss of your mom. I pray that you get comfort from the right people at this time in your life.
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Thanks for your response and I apologize that I left out that we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend (sounds funny using that as a grown woman, lol) back in June and were dating about 3.5 months before my Mom passed away. This is why I'm extra confused about what's going on. I have decided (since this just happened yesterday) to let him be and won't contact him but I've NEVER had this happen to me before...EVER so I didn't know how to take this.

Thanks for your prayers too, they are SO appreciated!!!
 
That is beyond rude and inconsiderate of him. Obviously with all these issues he is not at a stable place in his life and not relationship material. Personally I would back off and be done with him. I know it will be hard especially since he broke up with you with no explanation.
 
A man that wants you will stop at nothing to be with you. Don't waste your energy on him. There is someone out here who will love and cherish you the way that you are meant to be loved and cherished. A man that loves you and cares about you is concerned with your emotional health and well being. A man that plays disappearing acts, leaving you guessing at the status of your relationship does not. Don't worry yourself any longer.
 
Monilove122 said:
Thanks for your response and I apologize that I left out that we were officially boyfriend/girlfriend (sounds funny using that as a grown woman, lol) back in June and were dating about 3.5 months before my Mom passed away. This is why I'm extra confused about what's going on. I have decided (since this just happened yesterday) to let him be and won't contact him but I've NEVER had this happen to me before...EVER so I didn't know how to take this.

Thanks for your prayers too, they are SO appreciated!!!
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That's even worse. That he pulled away from you without explanation or warning as his girlfriend. Yeah....leave him alone.

I will say that nothing surprises me anymore. The older I get, the more situations happen that leave me like...."I can't believe this ish" :lol: That said, count it as a lesson learned.
 
Thanks Ladies...I appreciate your words and encouragement. I've decided to just let him be. If he wanted to be with me as Ms-gg stated, he would stop at nothing to make that happen. He was the one that always felt like he wasn't "worthy" of being with me because I'm a social butterfly so to speak and he's rather quiet. We would get around his friends and I would laugh and talk and never seemed like I didn't fit in. I don't think he was used to that at all and part of him almost didn't like it. BUT, I'm not trying to figure out his reasoning....I am a good woman and I know it and I have a TON on my plate grieving the loss of my Mom and still handling her business as I live in a different stat than she did.

So, I'm looking at this as a way to free up my time and energy to handle my matters and take care of myself and my son.

Rather now than after the wedding :).
 
Wow sorry for your loss. I lost my dad and can totally relate to that type of pain. You say you were gf and bf but was he claiming you publically? It sounds as if you were fulfilling an emotional need for him and nothing else. I would cut all existing ties from this man and start the healing process. Your emotions are still vested in your moms passing and that alone will take time to heal from.
 
Aww..Moni ((big hug)). Sorry to read about your mother's passing and this current issue.

Think of it this way..even if he suddenly decided to explain himself, knowing the 'why' won't change what 'is'....which is, he doesn't want you in his life.

Having closure doesn't always mean getting an explanation from the other person. It can simply begin by realizing the bottom line, understanding that the way he chose to behave isn't a reflection of you and accepting that especially for now, he isn't meant to be in your life.
 
@Monilove122 - first off, sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the way you're feeling right now. You will definitely be in my prayers.


As for the man...I agree with everyone else. If he asked you to let him be, let him be. Don't text, don't call, don't chase this man...it should be the other way around. Don't give this man the attention that he doesn't deserve. I know it's difficult, but honestly it's better that this has happened now than later on down the line.

Honestly, I feel that a man will not truly be able to settle down unless he is happy with himself. Until he feels that he is able to take care of himself and his family a real man won't be able to commit. The fact that he avoided you was messed up, however the fact that he has explained to you that he isn't happy with his life (not you, but HIS life) and that until he is he needs to be alone, that was the right thing to do (still, real messed up he couldn't say it face-to-face...that to me says something about his character).

While he is busy with his life, you get busy with yours. In regards to your loss, if you need to reach out to someone for comfort...talk to friends, relatives, church members, etc. Go out, get some hobbies if you don't have any...enjoy life. Like you said, take care of you and your son. You're a beautiful woman and you seem to have a kind spirit based on your posts. The right man will come along eventually.


:bighug:
 
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VelvetRain said:
Wow sorry for your loss. I lost my dad and can totally relate to that type of pain. You say you were gf and bf but was he claiming you publically? It sounds as if you were fulfilling an emotional need for him and nothing else. I would cut all existing ties from this man and start the healing process. Your emotions are still vested in your moms passing and that alone will take time to heal from.
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Oh yeah, he was claiming me...it wasn't this secret relationship, LOL. EVERYBODY including his friends knew we were together. We went everywhere together and it was one of those, if I want him to know about anything I'll tell his girlfriend. This was a true relationship. I didn't first say that part about girlfriend and boyfriend because I'm almost 40 so the idea of talking about marriage and NOT already being in a relationship didn't make sense to me but now I see that I guess shouldn't have made that assumption, lol.

As this just happened yesterday I really had to take time to process what he did. I mean I know I need to move on but this was my man so moving on is going to be a process and I was just really in limbo like "What just happened."
 
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I'm so sorry about you losing your mom, and so suddenly, it's really heartbreaking. I would definitely leave him alone. Like you said, you need to focus on handling your mom's affairs, healing and grieving, and taking care of your son. That really is enough for now. Be grateful for the time you and this guy had together. I'm sure he was a great source of comfort to you. Remember the good and let him go. Who knows all of the reasons he is moving on, but just remember that this is not your fault and let him completely own the abruptness and rudeness of the break up. Don't shoulder an ounce of it. You already have enough to carry. You are a pretty lady too with a lovely smile, the right guy will be happy to stick by your side and be honored to be your bf, FH, and then your husband.
 
Thanks @hopeful...you are right, he was a great source of comfort for me and truly without him I don't know how would have gotten through the initial shock and loss of my Mother. He was there for me in a way that even my own family was not (you know black folks act up when someone passes) and being an only child....and I didn't share that I lost my Dad 8 years ago suddenly (again) while I was pregnant so I mean, this was deja vu for me. ANYTHING he could do to make my day brighter he would do, if I said I wanted a piece of cheesecake and he had just gotten off work and was tired he would bring it to me. We shared eachother's likes and dislikes...I'm a natural hair fanatic (teeeeheeee) and he races motorcycles and we each went to events with the other to show that we were committed to knowing what eachother loved, what made us tick. I couldn't walk through any door without him opening it, or get in his car or any other without him opening the door, he pulled out my chair, one time the lock was messed up on the front door to one of my homes and while I was changing clothes he took the whole lock out, fixed it, and put it back in. When he saw me Saturday night he hugged me so tight I couldn't breath (lol) and told me how much he missed me. We layed in eachother's arms all day Saturday, went to sleep, and then Sunday morning he kisses me tells me he'll call me and that was the end of our relationship. Now, had I picked up on any signs....he had told me one time before he didn't like were his life was but he was glad he had me to help him get through things. But this time, it just came out of nowhere like BAMMMMM....leave me alone!!!

Sorry for the long response this time I'm just trying to replay things in my head to see what I missed....where I could have picked up on what was about to happen but didn't. And for the life of me, I just don't see it....*SUCKAPUNCHED*

But, I'm going to let him be....it doesn't stop my mind from racing though....*sigh*
 
Girl I hear ya. You totally don't look almost 40. 38 is knocking on my front door. Although I'm not dating if I was it would be for the purpose of marriage. I will praying for you that Jehovah comforts you and helps you deal with your grief.
 
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VelvetRain said:
Girl I hear ya. You totally don't look almost 40. 38 is knocking on my front door. Although I'm not dating if I was it would be for the purpose of marriage. I will praying for you that Jehovah comforts you and helps you deal with your grief.
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Thank you....:grin:. I will be 40 in just a few months and was planning to have a ball on a party bus that I got along with him and some other couples. I'm still going to have a ball though, you can believe that!!! lol
 
You didn't see the signs because there likely weren't any. He didn't want you know that he needed a break. He didn't want to hurt you, only wanted to help you. He didn't have the courage to break up with you in a proper fashion. He didn't want to see you upset and crying, and didn't want to have to answer your questions. He was there for a season and a reason, but it was not meant to be forever.
 
hopeful said:
You didn't see the signs because there likely weren't any. He didn't want you know that he needed a break. He didn't want to hurt you, only wanted to help you. He didn't have the courage to break up with you in a proper fashion. He didn't want to see you upset and crying, and didn't want to have to answer your questions. He was there for a season and a reason, but it was not meant to be forever.
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That is so true, it was a season and I cannot sit here and tell you that being with him didn't help me because it did. I cannot take away how he made me feel loved in a way that no man has in a LONG time because he did, I hadn't been in a REAL relationship in 10 years before him (I've dated but nothing substantial), so while I understand by his actions it was just a season....IT'S EFFED UP cause I could have and wanted to be with him until.....
 
OP

this is heavyyyy---realllll heavyyyy
my sincerest condolences go out to you

cry it out get all of your emotions out about both sudden losses outtttt...dont hold it in....
grieve

he actually doesn't deserve you--one thing i do know is he will be back at some point soon he will realize what he did to you was horrible...you served a purpose in his life as well--i just hope you don't open that door upon his return

want you to get up and get out and start living life...again...celebrate your life..Im sure thats what your mom would want you to do

you have the wonderful ladies of lhcf to vent to and share so feel free...but this too shall pass
 
I think there may be something else at play rather than the old "he's just not ready for a relationship thing"...There may be something going he doesn't want you to know about and is doing you a favor.
 
Lenee925 said:
I think there may be something else at play rather than the old "he's just not ready for a relationship thing"...There may be something going he doesn't want you to know about and is doing you a favor.
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I agree, he's hiding something and it's either something he doesn't want me to know because it will hurt me or he's in some kind of trouble. I'm not the type to make excuses for people....I'm really not but that was just too sudden and out of character for "he's just an a**hole". He's always been concerned about my feelings and sensitive to how I feel until this week. Of course again since this just happened I can't yet just forget about him but a man that everyone has seen almost worship the ground I walk on in a matter of a day has become cold and shown me a side I never even knew he had. I certainly may NEVER know the reason but I believe there is much more to this story......

I've had several good cries (including one right now) because what I miss most is that I don't have my Mom to help me heal my broken heart....
 
I have no advice for you regarding him, aside from telling you to give him time.

I just wanted to give you a huge e-hug for the double whammy you're going through. It feels tough, it feels impossible, and it feels unlucky - but things will be better for you soon. Find strength inside of yourself and don't falter.
 
Monilove122 :hug2: My heart goes out to you!

I'm so sorry about your mother and your heartbreak. Please know that you have every right to be upset. My first true love broke up with me in a same way. I thought myself the luckiest girl in the world one day, and my ex broke up with me without explanation the next. We were together for over a year. My heart was so broken I did not know how I would ever stand it.
He wanted to be friends, and I tried for a while, but eventually I cut him off for hurting me so bad. Then something positive happened. All the love I had for him, I started giving to myself.

I'm in a happy relationship again. He loves me. I love me. :look: I still miss my ex because we were sooo perfect for each other, but I'm actually much happier now because my world revolves around me and my happiness depends on myself and no one else. Your ex helped you get through tough times, and you can be grateful for that, but he simply isn't who you think he is, and that's that. You'll get through this. Leave him be. Know and love the strength you have inside.
 
Sorry for your loss :(


With situations like that, it could be anything, he's just not ready. I'm sorry that you're hurting. Don't be surprised when he starts ringing your phone again once his "situation" clears up. They always come back. Hopefully, you will have moved on to a better place
 
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