He Puts Himself Before The Kids..

[Kinkyhairlady]

I tend to over analyze things but this comment my dh made really annoyed me. He said he sees himself first then our kids. He claims it’s because he needs to be healthy and able to work to provide for them. If he’s not then they will suffer and so will I. I don’t know if it’s the mommy in me but my kids come first then myself. His reasoning is backwards in my opinion and selfish. I did not talk to much about it but I wanted to seek advice before I brought it up again. Am I right I’m thinking it’s wrong he puts himself first?

 

[mrselle]

I can see where he is coming from and I agree with him to a certain extent. I think as women we've been conditioned to think that we're selfish if we prioritize ourselves. It sounds like your husband lives a balanced life because he knows he's no good to you or your family if he doesn't take care of himself. I have friends who prioritize themselves and I have friends who don't. I won't say one group is happier than the other, but I do see a marked difference in overall level of contentment. As a mother of three I recognize that there are moments when kids have to come first. They're kids and they need their parents. That said, I also recognize the importance of living a balanced life. It makes me happy, which means my husband and kids are happy too.

 

[abioni]

He is right. You come first too.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I was raised in an old school household where the children were a part of the household not the center of the household. So I understand what your husband is saying. If Mom and Dad aren't whole, the inadequacy filters down to the children. Putting yourself first doesn't mean neglecting your children. It means prioritizing what you need to function at an optimal level so that you have more to give.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

Depends on what he means. Does putting himself first mean he’s eating if there isn’t enough food to go around or he’s saving himself if the house is on fire? If that’s the case then he’s wrong but if he’s just talking about staying centered and healthy as an individual then it sounds fine.

 

[Evolving78]

I tend to over analyze things but this comment my dh made really annoyed me. He said he sees himself first then our kids. He claims it’s because he needs to be healthy and able to work to provide for them. If he’s not then they will suffer and so will I. I don’t know if it’s the mommy in me but my kids come first then myself. His reasoning is backwards in my opinion and selfish. I did not talk to much about it but I wanted to seek advice before I brought it up again. Am I right I’m thinking it’s wrong he puts himself first?

I try to take care of myself, so I can be there for my family. I get checkups, try to eat right, work on my mental and emotional health, work on increasing my income, etc.. it really depends on what he means. You are not suppose to neglect your family. Engaging in toxic behaviors is selfish and neglectful. Evolving yourself in toxic relationships is selfish and neglectful. Taking care of you, but leaving it to someone else to take care of your children (Other parent/caregiver) is selfish and neglectful.
You know who your DH is and how he operates to decide if he is being self-centered and inconsiderate.

 

[Theresamonet]

You should ask your DH what putting himself first means to him. That’s what I’d want to know.

 

[Sosoothing]

I don't see the issue with what your DH said. I'm assuming the delivery was mature and genuine because how something as sensitive as that is said matters too.

I will also add that as a mother of 2 little cuties, my children don't always come first. Sometimes it's necessary that I put myself first for everyone's well being.

 

[sunnieb]

He's right. He told you exactly why he said what he said. He sounds like a provider. What's wrong with that?

Is he neglecting the kids? You? Stop over analyzing. There are way too many other things our husbands do that annoy us. Being a provider shouldn't be one of them.

I tend to over analyze things but this comment my dh made really annoyed me. He said he sees himself first then our kids. He claims it’s because he needs to be healthy and able to work to provide for them. If he’s not then they will suffer and so will I. I don’t know if it’s the mommy in me but my kids come first then myself. His reasoning is backwards in my opinion and selfish. I did not talk to much about it but I wanted to seek advice before I brought it up again. Am I right I’m thinking it’s wrong he puts himself first?

 

[nyeredzi]

People say all sorts of things that sound good and reasonable to them, like platitudes or something. But what do they really mean? If he had not said that, would you have known that he puts himself first?

IMO no one always comes first. True balance requires the discernment to know whose time it is to be put first, and also where compromises can be made. I don't always succeed at this myself. But in a world where we have limited resources and not everyone can have everything, it is also unwise for an adult to always put themselves first, as this is bound to leave the kids lacking.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

I agree that it depends on what that means to him specifically.

I do think people tend to put kids above all else and that’s not good, but sometimes the parents have to come first too.

It’s a careful balance and there’s no clear cut rules. It’s based on the situation and the personalities involved.

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

Thanks ladies for all the responses. I admit I took it the wrong way. I definitely have not put myself first since having kids and I need to work on that. DH is a provider and gives his all to our kids I just could not see his perspective until some of you all pointed it out. Thank u