Have You Ever Considered Leaving Your Husband???

Have I considered it? All the time :lol:

I have heard there is a lot of judgment tho, especially when you decide to leave your husband and he isn't known as an abuser, addict, etc. Simply "being unhappy" is not a good enough reason for a lot of people. We are expected to forgive, forget and suffer... :rolleyes:

I would be VERY happy if my mom dumped my dad.
 
If you pulled the trigger and filed for divorce was there any regret afterward?

Were your children mad at you?

How has dating life been since your divorce?

Asking for a "friend" :look:


Speaking as someone who is the product of a broken union (I'm not married): my parents were divorced, often times we just think about how it will come across to others, not even thinking about the dire consequences for ourselves and our children. The world is sustained by reaping and sowing, you're always either building up or tearing down. When you divorce your spouse, you introduce the spirit of division into your family tree and that spirit is free to wreak all kinds of havoc in all aspects: financially, emotionally, relationally,...etc.

If you have some time, try to Google the four types of adult children that are brought forth out of dysfunctional families. In my family: it's just a myriad of single mothers, because we never saw healthy relationships growing up and even adult males unable to find their way in life. All this to say: think before you decide to go forward with this. Obedience is much better than sacrifice, can a cycle like that be broken afterwards? Absolutely, but when you know better, it's best to do better. I see the difference even now with my lil nieces who are growing up in a two parent household, I see it even with my friends. They have their issues, but they are well balanced and surmount them easily.

Don't introduce pathologies into your family tree, that will long outlive you after you're gone, it's NOT worth it. I have photographs of women in my family while they were in committed relationships and afterwards, the difference is just so striking and makes me so sad. Pray about whatever is going on in your marriage, if you feel like you're not getting the necessary counsel from your surroundings, just go to Jesus. He has the answer. HTH
 
Yes, and I struggled with the thought of leaving for 5 years before I found the courage to accept that my happiness matters. Like @Petal26 said one of the hardest part of deciding to leave was explaining to my family why I could no longer stay in a loveless unhappy marriage. My ex-husband proclaimed to the world (our church, friends, family) that he loved me and gave off the impression that we were in a solid relationship but behind closed door we could barely sit in the same room without arguing. We couldn't even agree on the type of counciling to get to try to fix our marriage. We grew apart and had absolutely nothing in common anymore.

Our kids did not take the divorce well. My oldest was very sad and angry with me because his father made sure to let him know I was the one splitting up the family. I allowed him to be angry, feel his feelings and ask questions for what he couldn't understand. There were times we talked, times we argued and times I told him to just suck it up because this is how life is now. It took about 2 years but we are in a much better place and our relationship is getting back to where it used to be. I never regretted my decision to leave my exhusband even through the worst parts of my son and I going through it. I knew we were displaying a unhealthy relationship to him and didn't want him to grow up thinking people are supposed to argue all the time and be unhappy in their marriage. During this time I reiterated to him over and over that marriage can be a beautiful experience but you have to be very careful to choose the right person.

Dating. For me dating was a fun new hobby. I had no intentions of getting into a serious relationship so I had zero expectations. I was on no fertility clock to find the right man and have babies, I was divorced and not interested in finding a replacement husband. The only thing I wanted in life was peace and happiness and my kids, hobbies and career provide that. I was not a broken vessel looking for someone to fix me. That mindset allowed me to date with discretion and keep my standards high.

I'm now in a absolutely beautiful relationship with my soulmate and getting married soon. My children love and respect him. He's the only man they have met while I was dating and I waited until he and I had the conversation of wanting to get married to introduce him to my kids. There was no need for my kids to meet men I was just dating.
Everyone's experience is different, I would encourage counciling first. But your happiness matters. My unhappiness lead to depression and affected the way I mothered and reacted to my children. I knew I had to leave and create my own happiness to be the best mother I could be to my children. I wish your "friend" the best with this very difficult decision. :bighug:
 
Have I considered it? All the time :lol:

I have heard there is a lot of judgment tho, especially when you decide to leave your husband and he isn't known as an abuser, addict, etc. Simply "being unhappy" is not a good enough reason for a lot of people. We are expected to forgive, forget and suffer... :rolleyes:

I would be VERY happy if my mom dumped my dad.

Not married, but I agree with everything else, esp. the bolded. Ditto. :yep:
 
Have I considered it? All the time :lol:

I have heard there is a lot of judgment tho, especially when you decide to leave your husband and he isn't known as an abuser, addict, etc. Simply "being unhappy" is not a good enough reason for a lot of people. We are expected to forgive, forget and suffer... :rolleyes:

I would be VERY happy if my mom dumped my dad.

Thats why you have to live your life for yourself and not others. Life is too short to be miserable.
 
If you pulled the trigger and filed for divorce was there any regret afterward?

Were your children mad at you?

How has dating life been since your divorce?

Asking for a "friend" :look:

Any regret?
Sometimes I do regret. But that's only because I didn't always think of the end goal. I probably should have stuck around until I was finished with my doctorate. BUT My happiness was so stifled I got to a point where he HAD to get out. When I have regret these days I realize it's because I don't trust the universe enough to trust the process and KNOW what I want is just right around the corner. As I work on this, all my problems are greatly lessened.

How my son took it?
My son doesn't understand what is going on.He was only 1 when we divorced. At first he cried anytime we would separate but now this is the only thing he has ever known. In fact when he sees us together he's slightly confused. The only world he knows is one where both of us is happy....and apart.

How has dating been?
At first it was a learning curve. I haven't dated in 6 years. Now it's a breeze. I know how to put my best parts forward. I know how to have fun. I know how to let my personality glow. I know how to go alone to places. I know how to look FIONE. I'm starting to understand why boundaries are needed. One thing is that I'm a LOT happier.
 
Yes, and I left him twice. Marriage isn't all roses and sunshine.

We were in our early 20s and arguing all the time. He filed for divorce and pissed me off even more because I was about to file. :lol:

The only reason we are together to this day is because he came to me and begged me to give us another chance. He fought hard for me too. I was stubborn and mad.

We celebrated our 25th anniversary this week. Our 'baby' will be going to college this fall. We aren't planning an escape from each other. We are looking forward to being empty nesters and living our best life together. :) No regrets and I haven't thought about leaving him for a while.

I don't believe in staying together for the children only. The kids are a huge factor, but they don't need to see their parents arguing and miserable all the time.
 
So I'm not divorced; happily married for just under a year. But I'd like to respond.

I'm also another poster who, as soon as i was old enough to understand things, didn't understand why my mom wouldn't divorce my dad. It honestly made me lose some respect for them, over the years. My mom never seemed like she really even liked my dad. I can't recall ever seeing them kiss or show any kind of affection (or niceness, even) toward one another in my 28yrs of life. They're still married. Now, I hope they stay together forever. Im too old to be visiting/ calling 2 different people/households now :look: So they can be miserable together. But I know they'd be happier apart, but oh well now.

I had always kinda tried to date men whose parents were still married, cuz i believed married households just somehow produced more well balanced people with better familial relationships. Until i met my husband. His parents divorced when he was like 11. He's said that he was mad at them for a while and so of course it affected him. But he has the best relationships with both of his parents now. And his parents seem so happy and like they're thriving in their new marriages. Seeing his family really inspires me to get divorced if our marriage suffers some extreme, years long unhappiness lol. If i had to choose between ending up like my parents or his, id always choose his.
 
Have I considered it? All the time :lol:

I have heard there is a lot of judgment tho, especially when you decide to leave your husband and he isn't known as an abuser, addict, etc. Simply "being unhappy" is not a good enough reason for a lot of people. We are expected to forgive, forget and suffer... :rolleyes:

I would be VERY happy if my mom dumped my dad.

This... and yes I've often thought about leaving. I would date but doubt I would ever get married again...twice is enough.
 
We both considered it over the years. We married young and had a lot of growing pains.

I'm glad we didn't because we hit our stride years ago and it's been good ever since. I credit the fact that when we both presented deal breakers at various times (i.e. this particular thing sucks and I cannot deal with it forever), we took it to heart and did the work to make the other person happy.

If I/he had not been willing to do the work, divorce would have happened for sure.

My advice is this: present your dealbreakers openly and honestly. Your spouse will show you exactly how he feels in response. If he doesn't care about your happiness, there's really no debate. You can fix issues but you can't fix apathy.
 
I did divorce my husband because he was passive-aggressive and for some people that wasn't a reason to divorce my husband. They with telling all of his good qualities and I was told that I was crazy by some of my girlfriends because it's hard dating...... I don't know if a lot of people knows what it's like to live with someone who is PA but it's extremely difficult and I practically begged him to get help and he wouldn't so I left. That's when he decided to get help after we got divorced and he's worked really hard to change. 5 years after the divorce we started dating again and lived with each other for a year because I had to experience the change. We are now happily married again.

I did not regret it because he didn't take me seriously but he paid attention after he got those papers and he begged me not to leave but I was over it. He became the man that I knew he could be and I didn't want my children to learn bad behavior. I would do it all over again even if it meant that we wouldn't be a couple again because I finally had peace.

My children were very young so they weren't mad but confused about daddy not living a home. I did date some but that wasn't my main concern because again my children were very young at that time.
 
No regret. Nothing was going to make me stay in a marriage where I was a pseudo-slave AND he was cheating just to say I had a husband. I think I ended up better off.

Dating is for the birds but between this and staying married- I would choose this 100 times.

My son was too young to know what happened but now- our relationship is awesome. We have a really strong bond- whereas he doesn’t have that relationship with his father.
 
:bighug:@momi

I've only been married for less than four years (2nd marriage) and WE consider divorce all the time. But he says, Divorce is not an option. Also every time, I huff and puff I remember the good outweighing the bad.
I'm trying to keep the focus on my behavior and growth because he is not THAT BAD.
At this stage in the game, I really am happy with my husband and I love his crazy self. He deals with a lot from me, the least i can do is deal with him.

It all about balance for me right now, and keeping the focus on the bigger picture.

No kids are involved to determine whether or not we stay together.

Haven't even considered dating after divorce, my well has run dry at the moment. :lachen:

Finally, the only thing I know for sure, is only you have to deal with the consequences of the decisions you make. ONLY YOU
Choose happiness.
 
Any regret?
Sometimes I do regret. But that's only because I didn't always think of the end goal. I probably should have stuck around until I was finished with my doctorate. BUT My happiness was so stifled I got to a point where he HAD to get out. When I have regret these days I realize it's because I don't trust the universe enough to trust the process and KNOW what I want is just right around the corner. As I work on this, all my problems are greatly lessened.

How my son took it?
My son doesn't understand what is going on.He was only 1 when we divorced. At first he cried anytime we would separate but now this is the only thing he has ever known. In fact when he sees us together he's slightly confused. The only world he knows is one where both of us is happy....and apart.

How has dating been?
At first it was a learning curve. I haven't dated in 6 years. Now it's a breeze. I know how to put my best parts forward. I know how to have fun. I know how to let my personality glow. I know how to go alone to places. I know how to look FIONE. I'm starting to understand why boundaries are needed. One thing is that I'm a LOT happier.


Divorce is not my favorite but I am SO proud of you @PrissiSippi. Your struggle was real but you did what was best for you and your sanity. You seem much happier. Continue to be happy and in love with yourself.
 
If you pulled the trigger and filed for divorce was there any regret afterward? I did divorce. It's been 4 years since I filed and 3.5 since it was final. When I first did it, I did question it as we had been married for 26 years and being on my own (even though I was alone in the marriage) was daunting. I knew I would miss having someone with me, even though it was just a piece of somebody.

Were your children mad at you? My children were adults. They were privy to the struggle, the fights and arguments, and the unhappiness. They wanted me to be happy; less concerned about him. lol

How has dating life been since your divorce? I remember when I first started dating, I was very discouraged and worried that I'd never find anyone that I felt like I could be with forever. Every man I met, I picked apart. I wanted companionship, but everyone was just not right.

Then one day, I had a epiphany. I realized I hadn't allowed myself to grieve over everything that had happened within a 6-month period. My divorce was final, I had to sell the home I'd built because he wanted half of the proceeds, moved into another brand new home and all that that entails, then the worst thing that could ever happen was my Mom passed away suddenly. I was a wreck and in no condition to entertain dating. So I stopped. I focused on me and my mental health and allowed myself to feel all of the emotions of grief. I took a year off and when I felt better, I stepped back out with a vision for the type of man I wanted. Many rejects and three months later, my SO and I swiped right and we've been together a year this coming Friday.

Divorce is not for the faint of heart. It brings out the worst in people and if you happen to be married to a narcissist like I was, you have to be ready to have both guns ready to blaze because they go for the jugular. You must protect yourself, your assets and your future at all costs.
 
@momi - I love what you said about feeling different and free. Much of my identity was wrapped up in being married and a mom. I filed not long after my youngest finished college so when I first lived alone, I would sit up late at night and ask myself: Who are you? My family and friends had their ideas of who I was/am, but I was clueless. LOL. My journey of self discovery has been energizing and enlightening.

Congrats to you for starting your own journey!!
 
Wish I had left sooner. My children were upset but not angry with me. It’s hard to let go of the fairytale, the comfort that comes with everyone living under one roof (even if it’s really stressful and smoke & mirrors). Have not dated yet. Focused on healing from the marriage, my childhood, etc. and what it was about me that I could endure so much misery, chaos, and hot/cold, and lukewarm behavior for so long. I am looking forward to dating but I’m very happy that I’ve taken this time to heal and really get to know me.
 
@momi glad to hear it!

Another point that was brought up in this thread that I want to highlight.

Don't lose yourself in marriage.

I get it. I'm a wife and mom. I've gone to stuffy cocktail parties to help dh's career. I can't tell you how many school projects I've helped with and 'mom' school committees I've been on.

However, with all of that, I'm still me. I have my own friends who don't have anything to do with dh. I take time for me all the time. Not once a month or when dh and the boys 'let' me. I TAKE it. Everybody is used to it now.

When other wives complain to me that they don't get any time to themselves, I blame them. :look: Men are so clueless sometimes. When you tell him you need an uninterrupted hour to chill, he'll look at you and say ok.

Anyhoo, don't wait to get a life. Do it now! What are you going to do when the kids are grown and your husband is playing golf 5x a week? Sit at home waiting for him to come back or hanging with your besties doing things you like?

Compromise - yes
Lose yourself - no
 
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The only regret is the time I wasted. Still working on healing, and getting to know who I am, my purpose, and what I really want in life. I’m still “mommy” though, but I’m slowly moving away from enabling and trying to make sure everything is perfect. I’m starting to allow the children to make mistakes and learn from them, without mommy running to the rescue. I do not plan on dating in the near future. I like not having to share my time, energy, or space with a man.
 
If you pulled the trigger and filed for divorce was there any regret afterward? No regrets. Nothing is better than having peace!

Were your children mad at you? We had no kids!

How has dating life been since your divorce? Dating is fun!.. Being able to have a roster is the best part. Who does not like a free meal and drink every now and then, some eye candy to enjoy it with occasionally.

I was married in my early 20's and got a divorce in 2015 (he was finally ready to let go), I had initially filed in 2012. I was head over heels in love with the image of who I thought my husband was and what we could have. Instead I ended up with a man that was a man-child, pathological liar, and a cheater all in one. He had a kid during our first year of marriage (found out when his son was 6 months on this earth). After going through all of this I got closer to my family and most importantly God. I can thank my ex for making my Faith even stronger and recognizing that I am stronger than I think. Coming out of all of that I went back to school completed my bachelors, focused on myself, recognized I didn't want a commitment. Made new friends, traveled the world. Spent a lot of time alone, finding things that I love to do. Going through all of that I now know exactly what I want for my future. Spent lots of time in therapy and funny thing is just last year, I got closure with him (fool had the audacity to ask if I felt I owed him something lol). I just call it a learning experience which made me stronger, when I meet people, whether dating or friends I do not hold on to toxic relationships.
 
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yes my husband and I separated for a while and it was the best thing we could of done. We ultimately got back together and were very happy but it took a lot of hard work. As you know he passed away last year.
It took a lot of courage to walk away but I didn't want to live the married life I saw my mom live. I wish she would of left my dad because we would of all been ok. I think my mom died unhappy and that's hard to live with but it was her choice.
 
Thank you ladies for being so candid with the responses.

I'd like to know if there were any signs that your ex wasn't a keeper and if anyone tried to warn you ahead of time.

Do you still believe in the institution of marriage?

What would you go back and tell your old self prior to the marriage?

Serious questions, btw.
 
Thank you ladies for being so candid with the responses.

I'd like to know if there were any signs that your ex wasn't a keeper and if anyone tried to warn you ahead of time.

Do you still believe in the institution of marriage?

What would you go back and tell your old self prior to the marriage?

Serious questions, btw.

Actually I had a girlfriend warn me in a subtle way, suggesting I come and stay with her for a while. I don't believe anyone wants to be on that end of having to explain to a friend, what their spouse may or may not be doing. Yes I still believe in marriage. I come from a two parent home, where I have watched my parents work through better or worse. I have friends that are in healthy marriages, so it makes me hopeful. I have even dated men that are great marriage material lol (I just wasn't ready for that when I met them).

Honestly I would tell my younger self to pay more attention to the signs. Recognize when a man shows you certain qualities, it is exactly who he is. Be more patient, good things come to those who wait.
 
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