Happy Marriage Secrets: It's All About The Wife

[beebstt]

When it comes to a happy marriage, in both the long and short term, a new US study says that wives hold the power.

University of Berkeley researchers have found a wife's ability to keep calm and quickly regain composure after an argument was the key to long-term marital satisfaction, and was far more important than a husband's post-fight reaction.

The findings appeared online this week in the journal Emotion.

"When it comes to managing negative emotion during conflict, wives really matter," said psychologist Lian Bloch, lead author of the study. "Emotions such as anger and contempt can seem very threatening for couples. But our study suggests that if spouses, especially wives, are able to calm themselves, their marriages can continue to thrive."

Bloch and her team analyzed the videotapes of 80 couples in their 50s and 60s who had been recorded periodically over 13 years as part of a long-term study. In the videos, couples discussed a subject of conflict, with the scientists measuring and coding facial expressions, gestures, and emotional and physiological responses, such as blood pressure and sweating, to identify the point at which each of them was most upset and how long it took for each to calm down.

More than 10 years later, the team asked the couples to assess how satisfied they were with their relationships. Findings showed that the length of time each member of a couple spent being upset strongly correlated with their long-term marital happiness. When wives calmed down quickly, the couple was likely to be happier in both the long and short term. The cooling down period for the husbands didn't have the same effect.

"When wives discuss problems and suggest solutions, it helps couples deal with conflicts," said UC Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson, senior author of the study. "Ironically, this may not work so well for husbands, who wives often criticize for leaping into problem-solving mode too quickly."

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/11/07/happy-marriage-secrets_n_4235162.html

 

[yardyspice]

ITA. That's why they say if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. The problem is that some women take it too far and then wonder why their marriage isn't happy. We have the power to have a happy marriage AS LONG AS WE PICKED A GOOD MAN. This kind of advice doesn't work if the guy has a bad character.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

From watching my parents 30 year marriage I can say this is 100% true! If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy LOL.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

ITA. Happy wife, happy life.

 

[kaykari]

Makes me think about that book facinating womanhood

 

[brownb83]

I like the idea but It makes me think women cant show negative emotions. A married woman should be able to act or voice her displeasure sometimes.

If she can't do it with her spouse then where? Oh well.

 

[vtoodler]

Here's a good book loosely related to this subject:

For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men

.

 

[caltron]

This article is 100% true.

I like the idea but It makes me think women cant show negative emotions. A married woman should be able to act or voice her displeasure sometimes.

If she can't do it with her spouse then where? Oh well.

Yeah it really is sad sometimes. It feels like the responsibility of being mature and doing the hard lifting to keep the relationship together falls mostly on the woman. I love the book Men are Mars, Women are From Venus because I think it is helpful, but OMG it really drives home the point that women have to put up with a lot of crap to keep a relationship going. Once we no longer feel it's worth it the relationship is OVER.

 

[brownb83]

This article is 100% true.

Yeah it really is sad sometimes. It feels like the responsibility of being mature and doing the hard lifting to keep the relationship together falls mostly on the woman. I love the book Men are Mars, Women are From Venus because I think it is helpful, but OMG it really drives home the point that women have to put up with a lot of crap to keep a relationship going. Once we no longer feel it's worth it the relationship is OVER.

Oh I know it's 100% true to. I also think it 100% sucks lol and It can cause resentment.

 

[ambergirl]

But haven't you all seen relationships that are driven by the wife's demands?

To me the article is saying the death of a marriage is when a woman holds on to anger which can morph into contempt because we know when a woman is fed up she will instigate the divorce, not the man. Men will stay in jacked up relationships and just get their needs met in other ways.

 

[thatscuteright]

But haven't you all seen relationships that are driven by the wife's demands?

To me the article is saying the death of a marriage is when a woman holds on to anger which can morph into contempt because we know when a woman is fed up she will instigate the divorce, not the man. Men will stay in jacked up relationships and just get their needs met in other ways.

Have seen this too many times.
Seems the marriage only ends when the women decides to end it.

 

[caltron]

But haven't you all seen relationships that are driven by the wife's demands?

To me the article is saying the death of a marriage is when a woman holds on to anger which can morph into contempt because we know when a woman is fed up she will instigate the divorce, not the man. Men will stay in jacked up relationships and just get their needs met in other ways.

Most of the time what I see is that women have to constantly nag men to do the simplest things--I'm not sure that's what you're talking about though. Men hate it but what else is a woman to do when they're not responding?

One thing I have learned is that men will always make sure their needs are met no matter what. This is an admirable quality in some respects but it leads to a lot of marital strife. Women IMO are conditioned to be pleasers and to make sure everyone else's needs are met before tending to their own. Then we get upset when men don't do the little things for us that we do for them without having to be asked.

It has taken a long time for me to understand how men are and not to take it personally.

 

[brownb83]

Most of the time what I see is that women have to constantly nag men to do the simplest things--I'm not sure that's what you're talking about though. Men hate it but what else is a woman to do when they're not responding?

One thing I have learned is that men will always make sure their needs are met no matter what. This is an admirable quality in some respects but it leads to a lot of marital strife. Women IMO are conditioned to be pleasers and to make sure everyone else's needs are met before tending to their own. Then we get upset when men don't do the little things for us that we do for them without having to be asked.

It has taken a long time for me to understand how men are and not to take it personally.

Yep men are naturally selfish. It eye opening when you realize it.

 

[ambergirl]

Most of the time what I see is that women have to constantly nag men to do the simplest things--I'm not sure that's what you're talking about though. Men hate it but what else is a woman to do when they're not responding?

One thing I have learned is that men will always make sure their needs are met no matter what. This is an admirable quality in some respects but it leads to a lot of marital strife. Women IMO are conditioned to be pleasers and to make sure everyone else's needs are met before tending to their own. Then we get upset when men don't do the little things for us that we do for them without having to be asked.

It has taken a long time for me to understand how men are and not to take it personally.

Yep that's definitely what I'm talking about.

If a woman either refuses to nag and let's things go or doesn't take a man's selfishness and refusal to do even the simplest things personally, and especially doesn't hold on to anger....the marriage tends to work.

That's a hard row to hoe though it's one of the reasons I've always been ambivalent about marriage because for all the wonderfulness that comes with having a life companion and partner, I've seen many of my friends become shrew-like and angry because they end up having to nag 24/7 or just do everything themselves.

 

[sunnieb]

ITA. That's why they say if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. The problem is that some women take it too far and then wonder why their marriage isn't happy. We have the power to have a happy marriage AS LONG AS WE PICKED A GOOD MAN. This kind of advice doesn't work if the guy has a bad character.

Yes ma'am!!!

This is why if my dh didn't spoil me rotten I would've 18 years ago!

When the wife is happy it spreads throughout the household and touches everyone. Everyone is happy.

If the wife is miserable, that misery spreads like a disease and destroys everyone in its path.

Men ain't stupid ladies. There's a reason they wine and dine us at the beginning of the relationship. They know it's what we want. And best believe they know how to keep us.

'Cause if they piss us off enough, we are gone. I totally agree that a lot of marriages end because the woman is through. That's all I've seen IRL.

 

[JaneBond007]

Here we go again...read, "it's all her fault." EVeryone should control his anger. Social construct says that a man can and should have his way and thus, those marriages that survive are those in which the wife resigns herself to his every demand. Defer oneself and basically, 'PUT UP WITH' his nonsense.

 

[JaneBond007]

ITA. That's why they say if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy. The problem is that some women take it too far and then wonder why their marriage isn't happy. We have the power to have a happy marriage AS LONG AS WE PICKED A GOOD MAN. This kind of advice doesn't work if the guy has a bad character.

And people change and temptation is realzzz. It's not only about picking a good man from the start, it's about a man that STAYS good. If his arse doesn't...beech outta there! You can have a good man who doesn't cheat, buys you everything but becomes emotionally unavailable. Depression, financial changes, job, his family troubles etc....you name it. I'm just speaking it real. I don't think we can emphasize "GOOD" enough...that he stay good. I've seen some ratchet junk evolve with temptation and stories that will fill a ratchetness novel, religious or not.

 

[FemmeFatale]

People change. It's not only about picking a good man, it's about a man that STAYS good. If his arse doesn't...beech outta there!

Unpopular opinion but I don't buy this..most people (adults) don't change that much fundamentally.

 

[brownb83]

Unpopular opinion but I don't buy this..most people (adults) don't change that much fundamentally.

THIS^^^^
They will hide who they are or the behavior but changing?

No.

 

[crazytrish75]

Most of the time what I see is that women have to constantly nag men to do the simplest things--I'm not sure that's what you're talking about though. Men hate it but what else is a woman to do when they're not responding?

One thing I have learned is that men will always make sure their needs are met no matter what. This is an admirable quality in some respects but it leads to a lot of marital strife. Women IMO are conditioned to be pleasers and to make sure everyone else's needs are met before tending to their own. Then we get upset when men don't do the little things for us that we do for them without having to be asked.

It has taken a long time for me to understand how men are and not to take it personally.

ITA with this entire post, especially the bolded

 

[mychai]

Yep that's definitely what I'm talking about.

If a woman either refuses to nag and let's things go or doesn't take a man's selfishness and refusal to do even the simplest things personally, and especially doesn't hold on to anger....the marriage tends to work.

That's a hard row to hoe though it's one of the reasons I've always been ambivalent about marriage because for all the wonderfulness that comes with having a life companion and partner, I've seen many of my friends become shrew-like and angry because they end up having to nag 24/7 or just do everything themselves.

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

 

[thatscuteright]

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

 

[PopLife]

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

You do have a point there....

 

[silverbuttons]

I'm a very selfish person, I think marriage will ultimately benefit me more than my husband. I will have all my needs met and my long-term life plan basically established.

But then again, I don't think I have ever been what has been considered a people pleaser.

 

[ambergirl]

THIS^^^^ They will hide who they are or the behavior but changing? No.

Hiding behavior is real!!! Couple of friends found out about substance abuse, other kids, health issues after the wedding.

But also I think people change after marriage because the expectations of a spouse are different then that of a boy/girlfriend. Have seen it with both men and women.

Almost all of my friends went through 1 to 2 years of straight up relationship h*ll after getting married. Even the ones who had lived together for some time before the marriage.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

What do you want from marriage?

 

[sweetvi]

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

Deeeeeeeeeeep

 

[FemmeFatale]

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

there are still women that love and appreciate masculine energy..for a woman I would say security, provision look, a business partner, a friend, sex partner, and most important: a family.

 

[caltron]

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

I think a lot of that is because of our biological clocks and it puts us at a disadvantage. As for the concrete benefits of marriage, I'd say a big part of it has to do with children.

You hit the nail on the head about why divorces are most often initiated by women and it's probably why widows are able to cope such much better to losing a spouse than widowers.

 

[ambergirl]

there are still women that love and appreciate masculine energy..for a woman I would say security, provision look, a business partner, a friend, sex partner, and most important: a family.

Lot's of women love masculine energy so that's kind of moot. The question is what are you willing to do (or not do) to have the things you list. Because the issue isn't loving men or wanting certain things, it's that for some women they 're not getting enough of those things to make it worth it or the price for those things is too high.