Happy Marriage Secrets: It's All About The Wife

[Zaynab]

@LaBelleLL @barbiesocialite Now that I am home I can answer.

People get very defensive here and IRL when I say that it is easy to have a happy marriage if you choose wisely and treat kindly because it's hard for most people to look at the part they play in the demise of their relationships. It's not so hard for me because I am a perfectionist and I am constantly going over every move I make and I am always trying to learn something new about myself and how to grow as a person.

My first marriage lasted for a short time because I was way too young. At my age though, I know I can make just about any marriage work as long as the guy isn't abusive, addicted, etc. because the formula for most people in relationships is the same: treat the person the way you want to be treated even if you don't feel up to it, it's cold, I see women making the same mistakes I made -- we feel entitled to being treated a certain way even if we aren't making the effort and we think our feelings are facts.

All my friends are married so one of the main topics is marriage and the main thing I've observed is that people who choose to be happy are happy. That's it. Sorry if it's rambling but I wanted to respond because most of the relationship advice around here is dead wrong and is counter to everything I know to be true. The formula to a happy marriage is dead simple. I recommend Dr. Laura's book, even though she can be loathsome, because she talks about what I learned from my previous marriage and what makes my marriage successful.

For example, I used to nitpick my day, we now have a ritual at dinner where we talk about something good/great that happened that day. It changes the way you act and think through out the day because it makes you look for something good. A text from my husband makes me happy so I focus on that instead of the lawn being frozen. Happiness is a choice in every aspect of your life so why wouldn't it be with marriage?

People for whatever reason do not believe that their happiness is based on them and what energy they are putting out.

ETA: This is a great book too.

 

[Southernbella.]

Nope, I think both are bad in different ways. I think that we should strive for different but equal. I don't want to be led and I don't want to lead anyone.

Got it. I misinterpreted. I thought you were saying you didn't believe patriarchy was real. I have no idea why I read it that way. Carry on.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using LHCF

 

[caltron]

I know all of this and there's nothing like experience to make you a good teacher. For example, I have made mistakes that I have vowed to never make again and I use these mistakes when I give advice without rehashing what I did. I am assuming that's what she does so she tells people not to marry people when they have little kids because divorce and re-marriage are bad for kids.

No Dr. Laura is nothing but a fraud. If she told me water was wet, I'd still want to go and verify it. I see no evidence she has learned anything from her experience other than how to make her own pockets fatter.

One thing I've learned from my experience is that you can't just trust what anyone says. You have to look at their actions. And if they don't match up...

 

[Zaynab]

Nope, I think both are bad in different ways. I think that we should strive for different but equal. I don't want to be led and I don't want to lead anyone.

Yes this. This. This.

 

[thatscuteright]

barbiesocialite

Well I'm mainly speaking from a u.s perspective because I definitely think other countries are way more family oriented. But here I think it's a very me me me society and very individualistic. The whole sex and city mentality is very strong. Not mention most high paying jobs are not conducive for marriage and family. Cities are not family friendly, it's all about attracting young professional singles. Nightlife is not family friendly, compared to other countries especially European. It's so much easier for single women to advance professionally because they don't have to take into consideration a mate, or family. I mean other than the tax bs I think single women have it made especially in America.

Interesting. I never thought about it that way before.

 

[ambergirl]

yardyspice on point in this thread.

- if you choose wisely you will choose a man who knows the value of treating kindly. The challenge is that there are fewer men then women who know this at prime marrying age so a lot of women end up doing hard time with some hard headed men until they figure this out....which most do when they are over 40.

- Patriarchy and stereotypical feminism (e.g white feminism) are both undesirable....but I think we have to let go of the notion that all women embrace their femininity the same way or want the same things in relationship. The real value of the women's movement was giving women the freedom to be the who they want to be...no more, no less. Eliminating options or pigeonholing people into set gender roles serves no one.

- Happiness is a choice!!!! My father taught me that with regards to my parents marriage. Again the challenge is finding a partner knows and practices this as well.

 

[Layluh]

I agree with yardy. You can have a relationship with anyone as long as they're mature. That way they know how to transcend addictions, if money needs to be made they'll know to go out and get it without being told, they'll protect you by bringing nothing but positivity into your life. And a host of other things.

Dh and I had a long talk about this cause he has immaturity issues and he realized a lot of BM aren't cut out for marriage due to low levels of maturity.

 

[SmileyNY]

Subbing

 

[ambergirl]

I agree with yardy. You can have a relationship with anyone as long as they're mature. That way they know how to transcend addictions, if money needs to be made they'll know to go out and get it without being told, they'll protect you by bringing nothing but positivity into your life. And a host of other things.

Dh and I had a long talk about this cause he has immaturity issues and he realized a lot of BM aren't cut out for marriage due to low levels of maturity.

Which is why the choose wisely thing can sometimes be tough and why a lot of women marry potential rather than actualized maturity...

 

[Layluh]

ambergirl


I married for potential and it turned out...not so well. Potential to me meant dh is smart as hayle. he can break down high level physics, but self sabotages due to immaturity.

 

[Loving]

@yardyspice Which book is it that you recommend? TIA

 

[calliope]

This discussion reminds me of this scripture in Proverbs:

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

I wonder why some women nag and scream all day and walk around all angry-like? It almost looks like treating your spouse badly because you can and because they are there and it's just easier to hurt/be mean/take out your day on someone you feel isn't going anywhere? Am I the only one who sees this?

 

[ambergirl]

This discussion reminds me of this scripture in Proverbs:

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

I wonder why some women nag and scream all day and walk around all angry-like? It almost looks like treating your spouse badly because you can and because they are there and it's just easier to hurt/be mean/take out your day on someone you feel isn't going anywhere? Am I the only one who sees this?

You should meet the men they're dealing with. I try not to judge women who are in that space because often times they are dealing with some serious nonsense.

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl I married for potential and it turned out...not so well. Potential to me meant dh is smart as hayle. he can break down high level physics, but self sabotages due to immaturity.

So many of my friends are in the same place. Sounds like you're fortunate that your DH recognizes his need for growth. I'm not married so take it with a grain of salt, but what I've seen over and over again is if you can make it to a certain point in the marriage it gets way better.

I saw this with my parents when I was growing up. They are about as different as two people can be but at about the 20 year mark, when we kids were leaving the house, they reached a real decision point. My dad has always been very responsible, steady, reliable, and stable guy but....he's a guy! And I distinctly remember some of his selfishness when I was a kid and my mother having to navigate that.

But when it was just them they had to decide how are we going to live together for the rest of our lives. And I remember driving with my dad in the car in year 25 and him talking about this decision point and he said something like "you know we reached a point where it was all in or all out and I chose all in...and I've never allowed myself to revisit that decision. Come what may we're in it til the end"....and they are still going strong. It helps that they laugh ALOT and still chase each other around the house...ALOT.

Again, it's that question of are you getting enough to make giving and forgiving outside of your comfort zone worth it. Because if not, that's what I think takes people to the breaking point.

Best to you and your DH

 

[biznesswmn]

This discussion reminds me of this scripture in Proverbs:

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands."

I wonder why some women nag and scream all day and walk around all angry-like? It almost looks like treating your spouse badly because you can and because they are there and it's just easier to hurt/be mean/take out your day on someone you feel isn't going anywhere? Am I the only one who sees this?

Sad case: i am now tryg to unlearn my childhood lessons on being a wife/woman in LTR bcuz it is jackg up my marriage. Many of these women were not married (on paper) but been w man so long that i couldnt tell. Yes, they gave me good advice but they did not LIVE this good advice. I so agree w yardyspice when she said we dont see how we screw thgs up. I grew up watchg these angry women and since they were my only role models i ended up doing the same dumb ish. Now i am tryg to figure me out and make thgs right. Commitment, workg thru the issues... Its a lot

 

[caltron]

You should meet the men they're dealing with. I try not to judge women who are in that space because often times they are dealing with some serious nonsense.

ITA. And isn't it interesting how whenever this topic comes up, the conversation always turns to "what is the woman doing to keep the man happy?" However, women are the ones who most often file for divorce so the question should be, "how do we keep the women happy?"

I'm at an age where a lot of my friends are getting divorced, and I'm also seeing marriages of 30+ years suddenly and seemingly inexplicably going down the tubes. Most recently my aunt revealed she wanted a divorce from her husband, and she has been married almost 40+ years. A common thread in a lot of them is not infidelity, but just that the woman is fed up and burned out after years of putting herself last. It happens over and over and over again.

The problem is, men don't get together discussing how they can build strong relationships and how their behavior contributes to the breakdown of marriage, so it's up to women to fight the impulse to put their needs second and feel they are worthy of getting what they want. As we age, our self esteem grows, we grow more confident and less tolerant of BS. While in our 30's we may have been content to cater to our husbands and children to keep the peace, we are less likely to maintain that kind of stance for the rest of our lives.

I think for woman to have a happy marriage, she has to get more selfish, and by that I don't mean that she should disregard her husband and children's needs, but she needs to recognize that her needs are just as important as everyone else's. It may mean that there is more conflict in the short term, but it makes for a more successful and fulfilling relationship for everyone in the long term.

 

[Ogoma]

^^^ have you read lean in? The relationship advice there is from a career angle, but I really like what she had to say about marriage and how the partner you choose should align with your goals. She points out the most successful women are in married/committed relationships and really highlights how a woman really limits herself by choosing wrong.

/not sure how relevant it is to this topic as I have only read the last few posts so sorry if OT.

 

[caltron]

^^^ have you read lean in? The relationship advice there is from a career angle, but I really like what she had to say about marriage and how the partner you choose should align with your goals. She points out the most successful women are in married/committed relationships and really highlights how a woman really limits herself by choosing wrong.

/not sure how relevant it is to this topic as I have only read the last few posts so sorry if OT.

I haven't read of it but I've heard of it. It sounds really interesting.

 

[ambergirl]

ITA. And isn't it interesting how whenever this topic comes up, the conversation always turns to "what is the woman doing to keep the man happy?" However, women are the ones who most often file for divorce so the question should be, "how do we keep the women happy?" I'm at an age where a lot of my friends are getting divorced, and I'm also seeing marriages of 30+ years suddenly and seemingly inexplicably going down the tubes. Most recently my aunt revealed she wanted a divorce from her husband, and she has been married almost 40+ years. A common thread in a lot of them is not infidelity, but just that the woman is fed up and burned out after years of putting herself last. It happens over and over and over again. The problem is, men don't get together discussing how they can build strong relationships and how their behavior contributes to the breakdown of marriage, so it's up to women to fight the impulse to put their needs second and feel they are worthy of getting what they want. As we age, our self esteem grows, we grow more confident and less tolerant of BS. While in our 30's we may have been content to cater to our husbands and children to keep the peace, we are less likely to maintain that kind of stance for the rest of our lives. I think for woman to have a happy marriage, she has to get more selfish, and by that I don't mean that she should disregard her husband and children's needs, but she needs to recognize that her needs are just as important as everyone else's. It may mean that there is more conflict in the short term, but it makes for a more successful and fulfilling relationship for everyone in the long term.

Amen to all of this.

What I find so disappointing is that women get it from both ends - men and women judging who they are and what they're doing. For the most part men don't judge other men's behavior.

I know some of these long married women who aren't playing that any more and that's one reason why I think marriages can get better over time. The tables often flip. Men mellow out and women get fierce! Either the men deal with it or the women leave.

 

[sunnieb]

Amen to all of this.

What I find so disappointing is that women get it from both ends - men and women judging who they are and what they're doing. For the most part men don't judge other men's behavior.

I know some of these long married women who aren't playing that any more and that's one reason why I think marriages can get better over time. The tables often flip. Men mellow out and women get fierce! Either the men deal with it or the women leave.

The bolded ain't nothing but the truth!

Signed,

Married for 19 years

 

[yardyspice]

@yardyspice Which book is it that you recommend? TIA

Loving It's called the "Proper Care And Feeding Of Marriages".

 

[yardyspice]

caltron

And isn't it interesting how whenever this topic comes up, the conversation always turns to "what is the woman doing to keep the man happy?"

I don't think the conversation is about this at all. For me, it's about me having the power to create a happy life. Most people do things that annoy us, not to annoy us and people who choose to be happy focus on the former and KIM. When you have an antagonistic with your spouse/relative/friend it is impossible to see this point because you are constantly on the look out for slights. It's amazing the difference it makes IN YOUR OWN LIFE when you look for the good things.

THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU HAVE CHOSEN WISELY. IF YOU HAVE A MAN WHO IS ABUSIVE, ADDICTED, OR CHEATING THIS DOESN'T APPLY.

In short, if you have a man who shoots to make you happy 80% of the time, don't focus on the missing 20%.

 

[LaBelleLL]

I believe yardyspice and caltron are discussing two separate topics. You both make valid points. It's true that one can create a happy life and happiness is a choice and caltron - you are so very right with your point. I have seen this play out right before my eyes and it had been a lesson learned for my own marriage.

And to expound further on your point yardyspice, with some women, creating a happy life for themselves includes putting themselves first like caltron is saying and not being so self sacrificial to your own eventual detriment.

 

[HoneyCurlz]

Amen to all of this.

What I find so disappointing is that women get it from both ends - men and women judging who they are and what they're doing. For the most part men don't judge other men's behavior.

I know some of these long married women who aren't playing that any more and that's one reason why I think marriages can get better over time. The tables often flip. Men mellow out and women get fierce! Either the men deal with it or the women leave.

Well, a lot of the reason for this is that marriage is mainly "sweated" by women. I personally never knew about the "status" that came w/being a married woman--especially a black women---until after I married. At that's the truth! erplexed

So men are typically not the ones who are running around trying to see if another man is sporting a ring. lol

To your second point...I see this a lot w/people who marry young. late teens (18-19) or early 20's....I don't notice this effect too much with people who get together while in their 30's and up.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Now I'm really wondering if the perspectives and expectations of marriage differ if someone has been exposed to healthy marriages all their lives (mainly their parents). Keyword: healthy, not step ford wife faux perfection.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Now I'm really wondering if the perspectives and expectations of marriage differ if someone has been exposed to healthy marriages all their lives (mainly their parents). Keyword: healthy, not step ford wife faux perfection.

interesting statement.

I was raised by my grandparents half of my life and when I mentioned this thread to my grandmother she was like "marriage is simple.people make it hard."

That said, I only knew my grandparents the last 25 years of their marriage when it as happy--after they figured things out and nailed it. From what I hear from my aunts/uncles it wasnt always that simple. In fact, my aunt snitched and said my grandparents have been separated before. A separartion period akin to the common point in a marriage when many people decide to divorce. They got back together, others go their separate ways and learn better the second time around. All of this brings me back to my initial thoughts that some things seem to be acquired experience & knowledge and not necessarily immediate for most--including the simplicity aspect.

I also know a few couples that have divorced because things werent meshing as simply and fluid as they initially expected. So while agree with yardy, I think it's dangerous to present marriage in such a romanticized & simple form. IDK, my thoughts on this are all over the place. lol

eta: I'm talking about this with my grandmother as I'm typing, she said early years of marriage are sometimes analogous to 'Survivor'

 

[ambergirl]

Now I'm really wondering if the perspectives and expectations of marriage differ if someone has been exposed to healthy marriages all their lives (mainly their parents). Keyword: healthy, not step ford wife faux perfection.

In a weird way my parents long, long, happy marriage has made it harder for me to settle down. Their marriage is far from perfect but there is so much genuine love and care for each other and FUN. I just don't see how I can settle for less then that. Half the time when I call over there they are fussing and laughing about something.

My dad is one of the best men I've ever met, far, far, from perfect but just a genuinely awesome person. And then I see what the men I've dated have been like in relationship and I'm like .

So I think it cuts both ways. Especially since I think men in general seem less substantial then they were back in the day.

 

[FemmeFatale]

interesting statement.

I was raised by my grandparents half of my life and when I mentioned this thread to my grandmother she was like "marriage is simple.people make it hard."

That said, I only knew my grandparents the last 25 years of their marriage when it as happy--after they figured things out and nailed it. From what I hear from my aunts/uncles it wasnt always that simple. In fact, my aunt snitched and said my grandparents have been separated before. A separartion period akin to the common point in a marriage when many people decide to divorce. They got back together, others go their separate ways and learn better the second time around. All of this brings me back to my initial thoughts that some things seem to be acquired experience & knowledge and not necessarily immediate for most--including the simplicity aspect.

Right..I think back more people held onto the belief that divorce wasn't an option and worked through the bumpy roads.

Case in point, my cousins husband..his parents have been married for 40 years and he's a by the textbook, conservative good guy (fione too) He and my cousin have been married for 10 years..they're like the quintessential black couple and he knows how to deal with my cousin's moodiness.

She has expressed to me that he loves her more (I already knew, lol) and has told her that divorce isn't an option, lol. This guy is just like his parents..mainly his dad.

 

[FemmeFatale]

In a weird way my parents long, long, happy marriage has made it harder for me to settle down. Their marriage is far from perfect but there is so much genuine love and care for each other and FUN. I just don't see how I can settle for less then that. Half the time when I call over there they are fussing and laughing about something.

My dad is one of the best men I've ever met, far, far, from perfect but just a genuinely awesome person. And then I see what the men I've dated have been like in relationship and I'm like .

So I think it cuts both ways. Especially since I think men in general seem less substantial then they were back in the day.

I know exactly what you mean..my mom still calls my dad while he's away to laugh about a lame joke that's gone over our heads or something she's heard. I used to be like y'all stay in cahoots

 

[caltron]

Now I'm really wondering if the perspectives and expectations of marriage differ if someone has been exposed to healthy marriages all their lives (mainly their parents). Keyword: healthy, not step ford wife faux perfection.

My parents were happily married for over 35 years until she died in 2009. They truly were soulmates. They would spend hours every day just talking and laughing. They didn't go out that much and just enjoyed each other's company. They married when my mom was 18 and my dad was 22 and I was born a year later. Their families were next door neighboors. The first few years were really rocky, but as time went on they both mellowed. But even in the later years, mom still had to light a fire under my dad from time to time to get him to do stuff.

My dad was head over heels in love at first sight over my mom, but it took her a while to come around. She was a little "fast" and treated my dad horribly at first, but he was persistent and she soon fell madly in love with him. When I was younger I couldn't understand why he would want to be with a girl who was so evil to him. He had some other girl who was in love with him and he said that she was smart, pretty, sweet, came from a good family, but he only had eyes for my mom.

I think having been a product of that loving union, I know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. It's also good to see how couples work through issues and deal with conflict, how to fight and how to make up.

I've also been aware of the marriages of some of my aunts and uncles, and that has also shaped my views on marriage. We don't have many people who divorced, so most of them have been married over 30 years and are still going strong. But after seeing what goes on in a lot of their marriages, I don't think that divorce is always a bad thing. I've seen some of the women put up with stuff and all I can say is it couldn't be me. But if they're happy that's all that matters I guess.