Happy Marriage Secrets: It's All About The Wife

CarLiTa said:
Wouldn't that give Yardy's statement weight, though? Basically that she tried one way, it didn't workspace, then she chose more wisely and treated more kindly, and now it does?
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IMO, no.

some things only experience can teach. experience, persistence and tenacity.

Unfortunately, some things people learn for themselves IMO.

(via avid dating long term dating relationships or actual marriage)

eta: I'm a fan of shacking post 26 yrs old. :look:
 
LaBelleLL said:
Well I think even if you choose wisely, it's not all very easy.


And maybe that post is hitting me harder than anyone else. I thought this way before entering a full fledged relationship. I thought it would be easy. It would just flow and go. Boy was I wrong. I didn't realize that even if your man is good and great, you have to work on your relationship (and on yourself sometimes). And working is not a bad thing - it's just the nature of relationships.

So I had to grow up and grow up a lot in my relationship and realize that it's not easy and all fairytales and that you will be challenged. And you have to work. You just need to pick the right person to go through those wonderful and awful times with.

Ps - my personal epiphany happened in the last year and a half so this is all very fresh.
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We are actually on the same page. I've learned so much from my last 2 relationships: 1st) that you have to put in considerable work, and 2nd) the limit of that work, sometimes, when 2 people are fundamentally too different, or have two opposing live languages. It's hard! I used to think relationships were easy, too, before my first very serious one, and I realized that thinking that way sometimes made me a mediocre partner... in the sense that I was letting the relationship fend for and grow itself. But sometimes you have to treat it like a plant you love!

And I absolutely agree with having the right person to do that learning with. Someone who's very growth-oriented. Had that the first time, and discovered that the other person was subtly into maintaining the status-quo, at least on a particular aspect of his life.
 
Well I guess I'm not the typical woman because it takes me a long time to calm down after an argument :look: I would need a man that is less of a hot head.
 
There is a huge difference between having an easy marriage and having a happy marriage. I rather liken it to being in a relationship with G-d. Just because I'm happy to be in a relationship with G-d and that He loves me greatly, doesn't mean it's going to be an easy walk. There will be hills and valleys. What about telling the truth here? Some people do have an easy marriage. What's the downside, though? What has that partner conceded in order to never rock the boat? Is there deep-down honesty of feeling in both partners? Often, the one who finds it a very easy and happy relationship does not deep-down realize that the other partner is feeling lack in some way. But commitment is the cement to healing that.
 
It is really counterproductive to compare one marriage to another. It's just like Facebook. Everyone is going to show the side of their marriage that they want people to see, but you never get to see what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe that woman with the marriage that looks so easy from the outside is having to deal with things you wouldn't be able to put up with in a partner, or maybe that husband is lacking something that you need to be fulfilled. Yes maybe that husband gives his wife foot massages everyday but is allergic to full time jobs.

It's best just to focus on your own marriage and how to improve it because otherwise you're guaranteed to get depressed.
 
I found marriage to be easier than my long term relationships. I believe this is because I know that I have no choice but to work it around. The only times DH and I don't get along is when one of us is being inconsiderate/has an attitude. Otherwise things go pretty smoothly. Honestly, outside factors like his family cause us more issues than eachother.
 
That's why I just focus on my own happiness, my relationships got better when I started focusing inward rather than outward. Kinda counterintuitive but it worked for me.
 
lovenharmony said:
Well I guess I'm not the typical woman because it takes me a long time to calm down after an argument :look: I would need a man that is less of a hot head.
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I calm down and get over arguments fast. But this is a universal character trait I have not to hold grudges.

I honestly think your style is more indicative of the typical woman which is why I dont think marriage or relationships are always simple;. :yep:
 
SincerelyJane said:
That's why I just focus on my own happiness, my relationships got better when I started focusing inward rather than outward. Kinda counterintuitive but it worked for me.
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Another topic, but that's exactly it. Happiness comes from within and a lot of inward change for the better, self reflection produces wonderful results. Relationships are about the other person but they're not if that makes sense.

Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
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i think marriage is hard work because you are dealing with 2 human beings who are constantly growing and changing. I have learned to pick and choose my battles, some things are not worth arguing over. He has learned to ignore my mouth sometimes, half the time its my moodiness talking. I tell all my my friends the first year or 2 maybe hard, but don't give up especially if they are no major problems.

My first real boyfriend was a kang:nono::nono::nono: I'm so glad i went through that cause its no way in hayle i'd put it with any of those shenanigans again. I know the signs soon as a man starts talking what he's about.
 
LaBelleLL said:
It's very hard for me to digest this. I'm not married but I find that even in my own relationships, happiness has ebbed and flowed. What seemed to save things was that each person was committed to working through things - whatever they may be.

I also think happiness comes from within so even if you are with a good person - if you yourself aren't happy - the marriage wont be a happy one.

Back to it being easy to have a happy marriage - I even see how not foolproof this in the married ladies thread in relationship forum. Some of the longer married women have expressed times where there were dark clouds over their marriage and even some of younger women are expressing their frustration over particular issues.

I just think it all takes work. All relationships take work and you just want to be working with the right kind of partner for you. There is no "very easy" from what I see and from my limited experience.
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barbiesocialite said:
Yardy, I love you. but let's be fair, it took you 2x around to have this epiphany.

My point is that it takes most women, hell most people, to go through a couple of people (be it serious relationships or marriages) to realize how simple relationships really are.

Honestly, the women I know with the happiest relationships/marriages at present have been through a previous husband or been through several serious previously *healthy* relationships (including shacking) to have the "ah-ha" epiphany that relatiojships are simple and its all about the woman. It's a 'keep trying' mentality that most learn from experience.
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@LaBelleLL @barbiesocialite Now that I am home I can answer.

People get very defensive here and IRL when I say that it is easy to have a happy marriage if you choose wisely and treat kindly because it's hard for most people to look at the part they play in the demise of their relationships. It's not so hard for me because I am a perfectionist and I am constantly going over every move I make and I am always trying to learn something new about myself and how to grow as a person.

My first marriage lasted for a short time because I was way too young. At my age though, I know I can make just about any marriage work as long as the guy isn't abusive, addicted, etc. because the formula for most people in relationships is the same: treat the person the way you want to be treated even if you don't feel up to it, it's cold, :blah::blah::blah: I see women making the same mistakes I made -- we feel entitled to being treated a certain way even if we aren't making the effort and we think our feelings are facts.

All my friends are married so one of the main topics is marriage and the main thing I've observed is that people who choose to be happy are happy. That's it. Sorry if it's rambling but I wanted to respond because most of the relationship advice around here is dead wrong and is counter to everything I know to be true. The formula to a happy marriage is dead simple. I recommend Dr. Laura's book, even though she can be loathsome, because she talks about what I learned from my previous marriage and what makes my marriage successful.

For example, I used to nitpick my day, we now have a ritual at dinner where we talk about something good/great that happened that day. It changes the way you act and think through out the day because it makes you look for something good. A text from my husband makes me happy so I focus on that instead of the lawn being frozen. Happiness is a choice in every aspect of your life so why wouldn't it be with marriage?
 
yardyspice said:
@LaBelleLL @barbiesocialite Now that I am home I can answer.

People get very defensive here and IRL when I say that it is easy to have a happy marriage if you choose wisely and treat kindly because it's hard for most people to look at the part they play in the demise of their relationships. It's not so hard for me because I am a perfectionist and I am constantly going over every move I make and I am always trying to learn something new about myself and how to grow as a person.

My first marriage lasted for a short time because I was way too young. At my age though, I know I can make just about any marriage work as long as the guy isn't abusive, addicted, etc. because the formula for most people in relationships is the same: treat the person the way you want to be treated even if you don't feel up to it, it's cold, :blah::blah::blah: I see women making the same mistakes I made -- we feel entitled to being treated a certain way even if we aren't making the effort and we think our feelings are facts.

All my friends are married so one of the main topics is marriage and the main thing I've observed is that people who choose to be happy are happy. That's it. Sorry if it's rambling but I wanted to respond because most of the relationship advice around here is dead wrong and is counter to everything I know to be true. The formula to a happy marriage is dead simple. I recommend Dr. Laura's book, even though she can be loathsome, because she talks about what I learned from my previous marriage and what makes my marriage successful.

For example, I used to nitpick my day, we now have a ritual at dinner where we talk about something good/great that happened that day. It changes the way you act and think through out the day because it makes you look for something good. A text from my husband makes me happy so I focus on that instead of the lawn being frozen. Happiness is a choice in every aspect of your life so why wouldn't it be with marriage?
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thank you yardyspice :kiss:

your responses help me (personally), a lot :yep:
 
yardyspice said:
@LaBelleLL @barbiesocialite Now that I am home I can answer.

People get very defensive here and IRL when I say that it is easy to have a happy marriage if you choose wisely and treat kindly because it's hard for most people to look at the part they play in the demise of their relationships. It's not so hard for me because I am a perfectionist and I am constantly going over every move I make and I am always trying to learn something new about myself and how to grow as a person.

My first marriage lasted for a short time because I was way too young. At my age though, I know I can make just about any marriage work as long as the guy isn't abusive, addicted, etc. because the formula for most people in relationships is the same: treat the person the way you want to be treated even if you don't feel up to it, it's cold, :blah::blah::blah: I see women making the same mistakes I made -- we feel entitled to being treated a certain way even if we aren't making the effort and we think our feelings are facts.

All my friends are married so one of the main topics is marriage and the main thing I've observed is that people who choose to be happy are happy. That's it. Sorry if it's rambling but I wanted to respond because most of the relationship advice around here is dead wrong and is counter to everything I know to be true. The formula to a happy marriage is dead simple. I recommend Dr. Laura's book, even though she can be loathsome, because she talks about what I learned from my previous marriage and what makes my marriage successful.

For example, I used to nitpick my day, we now have a ritual at dinner where we talk about something good/great that happened that day. It changes the way you act and think through out the day because it makes you look for something good. A text from my husband makes me happy so I focus on that instead of the lawn being frozen. Happiness is a choice in every aspect of your life so why wouldn't it be with marriage?
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Which book by Dr. Laura?
 
yardyspice I totally agree that happiness is a choice and that you should treat your partner how you want to be treated. I just think that's not generally easy and in of itself - to always treat others as you wish to be treated is not always easy.

For some it can come naturally, for others, it's a constant internal conversation. I too am like you in that I am always actively evolving and I'm very deliberate with my personal growth and development. I know that I fall in the latter group. In the past, many times, I found myself having that internal conversation. It wasn't easy. My personality doesn't allow me to snap back quickly to act right or, depending on the situation, my hurt or anger doesn't dissipate as quickly. However, I do know with my future intimate relationship, I do hope the dynamics of my relationship will allow that process of treating my bf or husband how I want to be easier. But all in all, I just know, for me, it's not easy and this is something I have worked on and continue to do so.

Saying marriage is very easy IMO skips all of these steps of basically figuring yourself out, how you are in conflict, and having the tools to consistently treat your partner how you wish to be treated. To me, relationships, knowing how to be in relationships are a process and a development. Clearly, your history shows that you had to learn some lessons, learn yourself, so today, you can say perhaps your marriage is easy. But in general, globally, no, I don't think that marriages are very easy. I do think there is a clear cut and simple formula for great success and happiness, but it's not very easy. Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
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barbiesocialite said:
SophieDulce explain?

I think the world and societal institutions are very married woman friendly, not single woman or child friendly.
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barbiesocialite

Well I'm mainly speaking from a u.s perspective because I definitely think other countries are way more family oriented. But here I think it's a very me me me society and very individualistic. The whole sex and city mentality is very strong. Not mention most high paying jobs are not conducive for marriage and family. Cities are not family friendly, it's all about attracting young professional singles. Nightlife is not family friendly, compared to other countries especially European. It's so much easier for single women to advance professionally because they don't have to take into consideration a mate, or family. I mean other than the tax bs I think single women have it made especially in America.
 
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yardyspice I know what book your talking about :)

One of the things I noticed is when I start getting irritated and naggy with my DH is because it something im unhappy about in my life. Not taking out time to do things for myself causes me to shift the blame on dh when half the time it has nothing to do with him.
 
SophieDulce said:
@yardyspice I know what book your talking about :)

One of the things I noticed is when I start getting irritated and naggy with my DH is because it something im unhappy about in my life. Not taking out time to do things for myself causes me to shift the blame on dh when half the time it has nothing to do with him.
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Yep :yep: It's the proper care and feeding of marriages.
 
yardyspice said:
My first marriage lasted for a short time because I was way too young. At my age though, I know I can make just about any marriage work as long as the guy isn't abusive, addicted, etc. because the formula for most people in relationships is the same: treat the person the way you want to be treated even if you don't feel up to it, it's cold, :blah::blah::blah: I see women making the same mistakes I made -- we feel entitled to being treated a certain way even if we aren't making the effort and we think our feelings are facts.
Click to expand...

I think the problem I have with this advice is that men and women tend to want different things out of relationships. Men and women are fundamentally different in many respects and need different things out of relationships.

I think most people try to make their mates happy, but they don't understand what it is that their partner wants. For a woman, it might just be hearing "I love you" on a regular basis. For a man, it might be regular sex.

Finally, I can't let this one go, but Dr. Laura is the last person I would go to for relationship advice. With her track record, listening to her is about as wise as listening to Steve Harvey. I'm all for the idea of learning for your mistakes, but the things she did in her past relationships are so disturbing to me I can't take her seriously.
 
caltron said:
I think the problem I have with this advice is that men and women tend to want different things out of relationships. Men and women are fundamentally different in many respects and need different things out of relationships. I think most people try to make their mates happy, but they don't understand what it is that their partner wants. For a woman, it might just be hearing "I love you" on a regular basis. For a man, it might be regular sex. Finally, I can't let this one go, but Dr. Laura is the last person I would go to for relationship advice. With her track record, listening to her is about as wise as listening to Steve Harvey. I'm all for the idea of learning for your mistakes, but the things she did in her past relationships are so disturbing to me I can't take her seriously.
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Oh care to share. What did she do?

Sent from my iPad using LHCF
 
caltron said:
I think the problem I have with this advice is that men and women tend to want different things out of relationships. Men and women are fundamentally different in many respects and need different things out of relationships.

I think most people try to make their mates happy, but they don't understand what it is that their partner wants. For a woman, it might just be hearing "I love you" on a regular basis. For a man, it might be regular sex.

Finally, I can't let this one go, but Dr. Laura is the last person I would go to for relationship advice. With her track record, listening to her is about as wise as listening to Steve Harvey. I'm all for the idea of learning for your mistakes, but the things she did in her past relationships are so disturbing to me I can't take her seriously.
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lol, I think you have to take each relationship book with a grain on salt and just see what works for you.
 
caltron said:
I think the problem I have with this advice is that men and women tend to want different things out of relationships. Men and women are fundamentally different in many respects and need different things out of relationships.

I think most people try to make their mates happy, but they don't understand what it is that their partner wants. For a woman, it might just be hearing "I love you" on a regular basis. For a man, it might be regular sex.

Finally, I can't let this one go, but Dr. Laura is the last person I would go to for relationship advice. With her track record, listening to her is about as wise as listening to Steve Harvey. I'm all for the idea of learning for your mistakes, but the things she did in her past relationships are so disturbing to me I can't take her seriously.
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Again, you can choose to give them what they want because it makes them happy. If you have two people in a relationship who are doing their best to make each other happy, then the relationship works.

As for the bolded, it goes back to choosing wisely. I can't be married to someone who isn't willing or able to communicate. That is a deal-breaker for me. As for Dr. Laura, my mother told me that you can learn from anyone and I am as liberal as they come, I don't believe in patriarchy or feminism, I am for gay marriage, socialism, etc. BUT I believe that her simple mantra of choosing wisely and treating kindly works. Scratch that, I know it works.
 
yardyspice said:
Again, you can choose to give them what they want because it makes them happy. If you have two people in a relationship who are doing their best to make each other happy, then the relationship works.

As for the bolded, it goes back to choosing wisely. I can't be married to someone who isn't willing or able to communicate. That is a deal-breaker for me. As for Dr. Laura, my mother told me that you can learn from anyone and I am as liberal as they come, I don't believe in patriarchy or feminism, I am for gay marriage, socialism, etc. BUT I believe that her simple mantra of choosing wisely and treating kindly works. Scratch that, I know it works.
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Well, I would be more inclined to give her a pass if she actually practiced what she preached. She is the textbook definition of a hypocrite. She has said some extremely judgmental and cruel things about single mothers, gays, women in interracial relationships--you-name-it. She is steadily judging others but at the same time, she has been married twice. The second marriage was to a married man with three kids. The married man separated from his wife and after meeting her and married her soon after. She has had affairs with other married men.

I know the saying goes "don't attack the messenger" but here one really has no choice.
 
caltron said:
Well, I would be more inclined to give her a pass if she actually practiced what she preached. She is the textbook definition of a hypocrite. She has said some extremely judgmental and cruel things about single mothers, gays, women in interracial relationships--you-name-it. She is steadily judging others but at the same time, she has been married twice. The second marriage was to a married man with three kids. The married man separated from his wife and after meeting her and married her soon after. She has had affairs with other married men.

I know the saying goes "don't attack the messenger" but here one really has no choice.
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I know all of this and there's nothing like experience to make you a good teacher. For example, I have made mistakes that I have vowed to never make again and I use these mistakes when I give advice without rehashing what I did. I am assuming that's what she does so she tells people not to marry people when they have little kids because divorce and re-marriage are bad for kids.
 
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