Happy Marriage Secrets: It's All About The Wife

[yardyspice]

Now I'm really wondering if the perspectives and expectations of marriage differ if someone has been exposed to healthy marriages all their lives (mainly their parents). Keyword: healthy, not step ford wife faux perfection.

My dh and I are from divorced families but we both come from families were we did see long lasting, health marriages. (His grandparents were married for over 70 years and mine for 50.) He and I have made a pact to never get divorced and I think that changes the way we handle problems. If you think you have an easy out, then there's no need to resolve problems/issues.

 

[ambergirl]

Out

 

[yardyspice]

^They sound like us!

My husband is a trained race car driver and an amazing driver and me....um...not so much. We used to argue all the time in the car until we decided that he would always drive when we anywhere. I look up the directions and he drives. No more arguing.

 

[FemmeFatale]

ambergirl your parents sound off the hook..

 

[Holla]

I believe yardyspice and caltron are discussing two separate topics. You both make valid points. It's true that one can create a happy life and happiness is a choice and caltron - you are so very right with your point. I have seen this play out right before my eyes and it had been a lesson learned for my own marriage.

And to expound further on your point yardyspice, with some women, creating a happy life for themselves includes putting themselves first like caltron is saying and not being so self sacrificial to your own eventual detriment.

I agree with this. My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last month. They also have about 6 siblings who have each been married 40-50 years too. The women kept themselves up, relatively speaking, and by doing so, they made a need of theirs a priority over the years. They didn't prioritize all their needs, as they made some sacrifices along the way but in at least one area of their lives, they came first. Choosing to be happy was a definite choice for all of them.

I read this quote today and it is so true. My parents decided to stay together and they decided to be happy about it.

Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.
Erich Fromm

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl your parents sound off the hook..

Them Negroes are crazy!

This is their thing...fussing and laughing, laughing and fussing. They still flirt with each other every. single. day. I hand it to them because that is really something when you're pushing 50 years of marriage.

 

[yardyspice]

Love is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgment and decision.
Erich Fromm

Holla Holla!

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Loving this thread! I agree with the posters who mentioned focusing on your own internal happiness. I have a naturally negative disposition but I've recently discovered things are so much better when I work on making myself happy (of course not in a selfish way) and focusing on all the things I love about my husband.

 

[TrueSugar]

Everyone thanks for sharing!!!

 

[Aviah]

I share the ambivalence. I sort of wonder what the concrete benefits of marriage are today for a middle-class woman under age 50. Unless you have a true love match or marry someone much wealthier than you, I just can't see how marriage is a win. That's probably why over 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

It's strange to me that men get so much more out of marriage, yet women chase it the hardest.

Its very true. However from what I have seen or understand, women are raised to view marriage as a necessity, whereas men view it as an option. I think a lot of women see marriage as their "happily ever after" and give everything they have to make it work. Sometimes they just have a good man that isn't proactive in the little things, or have a man that could not care less. They may take it personally, and think dude doesn't care and become resentful. But in the end, it ends up being not what they thought and instigate divorce, generally speaking.

ETA, the article seems to suggest there was a link between the ability of the wife to calm down quickly and the contentment of the marriage, not that one was the cause of the other.

 

[guyaneseyankee]

Bumping this awesome thread.

Someone may need it.

 

[Lylddlebit]

Excellent thread! I wanted to thank nearly every post I read in here. So writing the quick note ended up being faster. Wonderful dialogue on both sides.

 

[movingforward13]

This article is 100% true.

Yeah it really is sad sometimes. It feels like the responsibility of being mature and doing the hard lifting to keep the relationship together falls mostly on the woman. I love the book Men are Mars, Women are From Venus because I think it is helpful, but OMG it really drives home the point that women have to put up with a lot of crap to keep a relationship going. Once we no longer feel it's worth it the relationship is OVER.

This hit me

 

[luckiestdestiny]

I haven't seen this article and it seems interesting, constructive and/or dangerous depending on how it's taken. It puts the responsibility on women yet again to maintain the relationship and to grin and bear it so to speak. I think if it were framed in another way it could be positive: If women release anger faster it permeates the relationship so it is the man's responsibility to listen, honor his wife, and attend to her needs so that she can release said anger.

Is that just naïve or too much to ask for married ladies? I would think it's about selecting the right partner in the beginning, though and seeing how mature they are when these "fight" things happen. A guy who wants "happy wife" happy life instead of using something like this to tell a woman to shake it off and get over it for the sake of the relationship, makes all the difference. Because one side is a woman self sacrificing and eating her needs so that a relationship can last versus really being heard, feeling taken care of and attended to so that she can easily release anger when a fight occurs (like it just isn't worth it if the man is trying super hard, pretty much works hard to make you happy and succeeds most of the time), etc.

I am interested in married ladies responses in reference to this and/or those who were married and what they learned in the experience (divorced). I am of course interested in all responses but I don't want to speak for those who are married as I am not. I know that theories do not always hold up but I am hoping that this is a realistic possibility. I do realize we can't always be in a happy love bubble nor will everyone be reasonable at all times of course.

 

[scarcity21]

Bumpingggggg