Girls approaching guys - what do YOU think?

[Glib Gurl]

Okay so yesterday I was talking to a black relationship coach at this speed dating thing I went to and I asked him what he thought about women approaching men and he said that women should . . . in fact, he called it the number 1 mistake women make (not approaching men). His rationale was that if at least 50% of all men are introverts, then a guy may be interested but has such a high anxiety level about approaching women (for fear of rejection) that they don't do it . . .therefore women should approach guys more.

I tend to disagree . . . just based on my own experience with Dutch Chocolate, who has low self-esteem and is afraid of his own shadow, if HE was bold enough to step to me aggressively, then I'm not so quick to say that guys need women to approach them. If they really want to talk to you, they will.

What do you think about this?

 

[cheetarah1980]

If a man is not approaching you, there's a reason (and it ain't cause he's shy). Plus, even if he is responsive to your approach, how do you know if he's genuinely interested or just being polite. When he does the approaching, I don't even have to wonder about it.

1910 or 2010, some dynamics just don't change.

 

[dlewis]

I don't agree with approaching guys. I've never seen a relationship workout when that happens. But I don't know to many happy couples, so I guess, why not?

 

[dlewis]

If a man is not approaching you, there's a reason (and it ain't cause he's shy). Plus, even if he is responsive to your approach, how do you know if he's genuinely interested or just being polite. When he does the approaching, I don't even have to wonder about it.

1910 or 2010, some dynamics just don't change.

I agree with this.

 

[Nina_deF]

If a man is not approaching you, there's a reason (and it ain't cause he's shy). Plus, even if he is responsive to your approach, how do you know if he's genuinely interested or just being polite. When he does the approaching, I don't even have to wonder about it.

1910 or 2010, some dynamics just don't change.

Wrong.

Women have evolved, why do you think that men haven't.

Women have changed alot since, let's say, 1910.
It was "easier" back then because men were the prize and women could do nothing without them. It used to be "I am man and I will have you as my wife" sort of thing.

2010, men aren't reallly "necassary" anymore, we can even have babies without having to deal with them. I'm sure that this is pretty daunting to any man.

And yes, one can tell the difference with them being polite or interested.
It's the men that can't.

I don't sit around waiting to be "picked".
If I see a man I want I will go for it.
That said I don't get depressed if I'm shot down.
If it's not right, that's alright.

Next!

 

[C(squared)]

Its okay to appear friendly or smile but that is where I draw the line. Those signals may serve as a yellow or green light to walk up, introduce themselves and go from there. However, initiating the 1st contact? No thanks. How you do things in the beginning will a lot of times set the pattern for the rest of the courtship.

 

[cheetarah1980]

Its okay to appear friendly or smile but that is where I draw the line. Those signals may serve as a yellow or green light to walk up, introduce themselves and go from there. However, initiating the 1st contact? No thanks. How you do things in the beginning will a lot of times set the pattern for the rest of the courtship.

Truer words were never spoken. I have yet to see a case where the woman initiated things work out in the long run. If the couple is together the woman is always complaining that she's putting more into maintaining it.

 

[hopeful]

Glib I think you should go ahead and be more forward. Correct me if i'm wrong (and I'm sure you will ), but I think you aren't sure you will meet "the one" unless you are the initiator. It seems you are itching to be more aggressive even though that hasn't worked. I remember awhile back you saying you took a guys phone and programmed your number in his phone, and then you were pretty forward with Dutch Chocolate. Part of you thinks it's not the way to go and part of you thinks you will have no chance at all if you sit back and wait. I say go ahead and be more forward for maybe the next year and see where that gets you. Maybe you will be successful, maybe you will discover it really doesn't work. It just seems to me that you kind of need to get this out of your system.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

So....let me get this straight....

Men can go to war facing enemy lines, compete to get into a good college/school, compete to climb UP the corporate ladder, and compete aggressively in active sports, but yet they're "too shy" to walk over a few steps and at least introduce himself to a woman he might be interested in?

Come again??

I'm sorry...I'm just not buying it.

Okay so yesterday I was talking to a black relationship coach at this speed dating thing I went to and I asked him what he thought about women approaching men and he said that women should . . . in fact, he called it the number 1 mistake women make (not approaching men). His rationale was that if at least 50% of all men are introverts, then a guy may be interested but has such a high anxiety level about approaching women (for fear of rejection) that they don't do it . . .therefore women should approach guys more.

I tend to disagree . . . just based on my own experience with Dutch Chocolate, who has low self-esteem and is afraid of his own shadow, if HE was bold enough to step to me aggressively, then I'm not so quick to say that guys need women to approach them. If they really want to talk to you, they will.

What do you think about this?

If a guy is interested enough, he will approach. I'm a firm believer in that. Plus, I've known quite a few "shy guys" to pursue me in the past, and let me tell you....I didn't "initiate" one bit. I was just nice, smiled, and was pleasant. I didn't call him, didn't ask him out, and didn't even get his number first.

Yes, it took a WHILE for these guys to express or actually SHOW some interest forwardly, but I noticed that in each and every instance, the guys eventually DID show interest and I was fully aware that they were interested in me in a romantic way.

If a man is not approaching you, there's a reason (and it ain't cause he's shy). Plus, even if he is responsive to your approach, how do you know if he's genuinely interested or just being polite. When he does the approaching, I don't even have to wonder about it.

1910 or 2010, some dynamics just don't change.

Thank you.

Even if things HAVE changed in 2010 for women, would you necessarily say that they have changed (relationship-wise) for the BETTER? I wouldn't. I see women more now days just spread opening their legs for any old thing that comes along, believing any type of hype a guy spouts out of his mouth, allowing a man to string them along with a multiple slew of other women through text messages, etc, and not even really respecting themselves. Personally, I don't think things have necessarily changed for the better.

Times have changed...yes....but human nature doesn't change so quickly with the "times".

Truer words were never spoken. I have yet to see a case where the woman initiated things work out in the long run. If the couple is together the woman is always complaining that she's putting more into maintaining it.

What she said.


Honestly, I voted...."It Depends", because really there are many variables. For example...What do you mean exactly by "approaching"? If you're talking about a woman putting herself in the view of a man then I don't see anything wrong with that. I see nothing wrong with a woman saying hello, or asking a man for help just in order to start a conversation going.

But for a woman to ACTIVELY pursue a man (especially in the beginning)
ie:
-Getting his number
-Asking him out/inviting him somewhere before he's invited you anywhere
-Seeming more interested in him than he is in you
-Calling him/Texting him first
-Expressing interest verbally before he does
Etc.

....that just leads to disaster IMO. It also depends on what the woman actually WANTS. Some women like men who they have to chase, pursue, and control in order to get to like them. Some women don't mind doing this for the remainder of the relationship/marriage. But for me? Naw babe. I need a MAN. Not some boy who I have to continue to "make things happen" with. Ugh..

If he's that "shy" to even talk to you/call you, then how "shy" will he be in other areas??

 

[Glib Gurl]

Glib I think you should go ahead and be more forward. Correct me if i'm wrong (and I'm sure you will ), but I think you aren't sure you will meet "the one" unless you are the initiator. It seems you are itching to be more aggressive even though that hasn't worked. I remember awhile back you saying you took a guys phone and programmed your number in his phone, and then you were pretty forward with Dutch Chocolate. Part of you thinks it's not the way to go and part of you thinks you will have no chance at all if you sit back and wait. I say go ahead and be more forward for maybe the next year and see where that gets you. Maybe you will be successful, maybe you will discover it really doesn't work. It just seems to me that you kind of need to get this out of your system.

It's not so much something that I have in my system . . . but I'm a pretty outgoing person generally. *shrug* I do think that I need to increase the number of eligibles I meet and interact with and in order to do that, I think will have to break the ice with some folks . . . that doesn't mean there will be a "love connection" but that doesn't mean there won't be either.

Just interested in what you ladies think . . . keep the feedback comin!

 

[Britt]

If a man is not approaching you, there's a reason (and it ain't cause he's shy). Plus, even if he is responsive to your approach, how do you know if he's genuinely interested or just being polite. When he does the approaching, I don't even have to wonder about it.

1910 or 2010, some dynamics just don't change.

Totally agree with this!
I also agree with it sets the dynamic for other things too.

There is nothing wrong with giving a green light to let a dude know you are interested, smile and let him know. A man will take notice and initiate some sort of convo with you. But if he wants to go out w/ you, call you, etc he'll do it. Just that simple.

 

[Okay]

I have asked a guy out and we went on a date. I will never do that again.

Im sure there are some couples out there where the girl approached the guy(I had a friend who dated a guy for quite a while and he was that shy! to approach her..)

To each their own though. Not for me.

 

[Britt]

It also depends on your personality. I met someone over the summer and 3 of my friends were adamant that I should be 'in his face' so to speak b/c he's in the limelight, he's a dj - he's prob use to having women pursue him. They reasoned since he's not a regular dude, I should be more upfront and say 'when are we gonna hang out' etc... but all 3 of the women who told me this are far more bold by nature. I am not bold like that when just meeting someone. Just be yourself.

Another friend of mine also suggested one time that I walk up to a dude while he was w/ his friends and make my presence known, that I should say something to him. I was like uhhh erplexed. If I were in dude's eye sight, I'd def give a flirtatious smile or look where he'd know w/o a doubt that I was interested and then he'd come over and talk to me. But to walk up to a guy while he's with his friends, chilling... Ummm.. nah... that's just not me. If that's how you are be true to yourself and do what you feel comfy with. Then again, this is the same friend who kicked her SO out of the car and left him on the side of street while I sat in the backseat of the car like this . She emasculates him any chance she gets .

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Shyness my foot!!! If a guy is really interested he will make the first move. Starting a conversation, smiling or making it clear you're available is fine but anything farther is a set-up for disaster. Some things just don't change.

 

[cheetarah1980]

In fact, a lot of men don't like it when a woman makes the first move. They see it as her "jumping the gun." For example. I'd been conversing with a guy I met online for over a month. He lives about 90 miles away from me and was going to be in my town over the weekend. However, I was going out of town the day he was arriving. He asked me when my flight left. I told him and then asked why he wanted to know. He said he was just curious. Then without him asking I said, "I'm returning late the same night, in case you were curious about that too." And that man tells me, "I was, but you jumped the gun." That right there let me know that he wanted to be the one to broach the subject of us meeting up and he did not even need me to open that door for him. He did wind up asking me out to breakfast and we had a great time. And now I know that from now on no matter how slow I think he is in getting around to asking me out, he's gonna do it and I just need to let him. Too many women jump the gun and take all of the fun out of it for a man.

 

[Nina_deF]

Shyness my foot!!! If a guy is really interested he will make the first move. Starting a conversation, smiling or making it clear you're available is fine but anything farther is a set-up for disaster. Some things just don't change.

The bolded is what I meant about approaching a guy. I'm not much of a wallflower.
How else can one do it?

I don't give out my number or ask a man his unless I'm interested, and I can tell if he is. I mean, sometimes things can take too long so if I feel the need to bounce (I get restless) I'll ask his number... I rarely offer up mine.
I've made that misstake, men calling/texting multipal times after one date when I am clearly not interested.

 

[Lucie]

I don't believe in approaching men. I can smile, and if spoken to, carry on a conversation but it seems IMHO that relationships that do work out well, are normally with men that did the approaching. I know many women do not like to hear/read that, but I still feel a man should like/love you more than you love him. Often times men need to feel like they took the first step to make things happen. When you take that away from them, it does not end well more often than not. Yes, I am sure they are many exceptions to the rule. But those are exceptions. Even the shyest man will find a way to speak to you. The only time I ever kicked it to a man I was dared to approach this cutie on Jamaica Avenue. That was like 15 years ago, LOL! My friends had to give me $20 for actually going through with it.

 

[gabulldawg]

I don't agree with it. The guy's reasoning makes no sense IMO. My DH is an introvert, but he still approached me. He was terrified of rejection, but he took the chance because he was interested. If a guy wants you he will find a way to get to you.

 

[aribell]

If a man is not approaching you, there's a reason (and it ain't cause he's shy). Plus, even if he is responsive to your approach, how do you know if he's genuinely interested or just being polite. When he does the approaching, I don't even have to wonder about it.

1910 or 2010, some dynamics just don't change.

ITA with the bolded. I also think that approaching a man starts things off with the wrong attitude and energy. Before anything has gotten off the ground, the woman has already put herself in a position of developing an interest in and figuring out how to make things work with someone who isn't doing the same toward her.

At the same time, I think it also depends on how the man takes it and what his feelings are. I have a friend who confessed her romantic feelings for her best guy friend. He felt the same and the rest is history--they have a great relationship and are married now. It may have been different because they were already really good friends and he already had feelings for her but hadn't said anything (there was distance and she was in and out of relationships with other guys). But it wasn't a strategic move...it was more like, "I don't know if I can be friends with you anymore because of these feelings."

 

[ParagonTresses]

Its okay to appear friendly or smile but that is where I draw the line. Those signals may serve as a yellow or green light to walk up, introduce themselves and go from there. However, initiating the 1st contact? No thanks. How you do things in the beginning will a lot of times set the pattern for the rest of the courtship.

This!

I will make myself approachable but I will not do the approaching. Also, if he's too "afraid" to seek me out, I'll pass anyway. A man not initiating contact with me for fear of "rejection" is not the confident man I'd be interested in dating.

 

[softblackcotton]

Wrong.

Women have evolved, why do you think that men haven't.

Women have changed alot since, let's say, 1910.
It was "easier" back then because men were the prize and women could do nothing without them. It used to be "I am man and I will have you as my wife" sort of thing.

2010, men aren't reallly "necassary" anymore, we can even have babies without having to deal with them. I'm sure that this is pretty daunting to any man.

And yes, one can tell the difference with them being polite or interested.
It's the men that can't.

I don't sit around waiting to be "picked".
If I see a man I want I will go for it.
That said I don't get depressed if I'm shot down.
If it's not right, that's alright.

Next!

I disagree with the bolded. Women were a prize to be won in 1910. Women were courted, wooed, and their fathers were asked for their hand in marriage. Men actually worked hard to get a good woman, because back then it wasn't the norm to pass the cookies out for FREE. Men needed wives to build families, to create homes, to be respected in the community and most of all to have sexual relationships. Families with fathers were the norm. Life-long marriage was the norm. Nowadays, women do the most for a man including playing the meaningless downgraded roles like "wifey" and "baby mama." Men don't have to do any work. Men don't have the respect for family and marriage that they used to. Women have given them all the power.

They don't even really pursue women anymore. At least here in Atlanta, the decent-looking men just stand around trying to look pretty while women clamor for their attentions. I believe this is all due to the perceived or real "man shortage" being pushed down women's, esp black women's, throats. In 2010, Men are prizes to be won. My how the roles have flipped!

I also don't really believe in approaching men. I believe if a man is really interested. I mean REALLY interested, nothing will stop him from trying to approach you or let you know his intentions. Even the most shy guys, approach women they want in whatever round about or indirect way they can. Women can usually pick up on these hints WAY better than men; shy guys have that to their advantage. I'm only 25, but I'm very old-fashioned in the way that I want to pursued, courted, and wooed. I also want whatever guy to ask my father for my hand in marriage! I believe I am worth it.

 

[kismettt]

i think it depends. i'm not attracted to introverted men (i'm an introvert & i like balance), so i wouldn't. do as you like/whatever works best for you. but please notice patterns & what actually...works.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I am against it. There was a survey quoted, I think it was by "shay the date diva" where 95% of men said they like or liked it when a woman approached them. However when those same men were asked did they marry or enter into a long term relationship with those same women, only 2% said yes.

Here is the video YouTube - The Top 5 Lies Men Tell

 

[preciouslove0x]

I always thought it was okay to approach guys (never done it personally though). But after reading this thread, my opinion is changing..

 

[HoneyA]

I've known about two women who "approached" their guys first and they are happily married to them. If you are just talking about saying hi and having a conversation within a specific setting, nothing wrong with that. You are just being friendly. If you are talking about going up to a guy and introducing yourself and asking him for his number with the intention of calling him and asking him out, forget it.

There is a way to do it. You put yourself in the vicinity of a guy you might be interested in and the meeting happens naturally especially if you have been staring at each other or something. You two will start talking then HE asks you what your name is and introduces himself, gets your number/exchange numbers, calls you, asks you out, etc.

If you get his, you delete it because if he likes you he will call. It really is that simple. Somebody mentioned jumping the gun, that really is what it's about. Let him be the man and do certain things even if you have to lead him, it has to be his idea.

For men who are used to having women all over them because they are so cute or popular or whatever else, then for sure you have to make them see you differently to be able to stand out from the rest. So if you start to pursue by approaching him, you're like the rest of them to him. You've already lost. There are many variables but the best thing you can do is virtually nothing but smile and look cute.

 

[Damaged but not out]

2010...really I don't believe it.

I have approached almost every man i was interested in. I've been shot down once( wayyy embarrassing). Being in the vicinity, smiling and waiting seems rather stalkerish ( to me).

I just can't wait and see. It's so pointless, there too many possible variables. I've had too many men come to me later and mention an interest( in me) never explored because, of assumptions .

I'm not saying I go to every man reasonably attractive hand out my #, and preen. But if I see you, and I get that spark i'm gonna risk it.


Small talk never killed nobody.

 

[Skyfall]

I will approach a guy to casually talk and maybe flirt, but ask him for his number? forget it.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

So, what's the man's excuse for being able to talk/approach everyone else yet when he comes around you, he gets stone cold silent?

 

[celiabug]

I don't know if I would say that I make the first move but if I think someone might be looking at me then ill be the first to say something. I initiated the chatting with the person I'm talking to now. He said that he likes when a girl aproaches him because then he can tell they are interested.

 

[SweetTea]

I disagree with the bolded. Women were a prize to be won in 1910. Women were courted, wooed, and their fathers were asked for their hand in marriage. Men actually worked hard to get a good woman, because back then it wasn't the norm to pass the cookies out for FREE. Men needed wives to build families, to create homes, to be respected in the community and most of all to have sexual relationships. Families with fathers were the norm. Life-long marriage was the norm. Nowadays, women do the most for a man including playing the meaningless downgraded roles like "wifey" and "baby mama." Men don't have to do any work. Men don't have the respect for family and marriage that they used to. Women have given them all the power.

They don't even really pursue women anymore. At least here in Atlanta, the decent-looking men just stand around trying to look pretty while women clamor for their attentions. I believe this is all due to the perceived or real "man shortage" being pushed down women's, esp black women's, throats. In 2010, Men are prizes to be won. My how the roles have flipped!
I also don't really believe in approaching men. I believe if a man is really interested. I mean REALLY interested, nothing will stop him from trying to approach you or let you know his intentions. Even the most shy guys, approach women they want in whatever round about or indirect way they can. Women can usually pick up on these hints WAY better than men; shy guys have that to their advantage. I'm only 25, but I'm very old-fashioned in the way that I want to pursued, courted, and wooed. I also want whatever guy to ask my father for my hand in marriage! I believe I am worth it.

Thank you! The lengths that some women go to get men these days, especially young women. They act like their eggs are going to dry up any day now. I look at some of my peers (19-23) and just wonder what exactly they are doing.