Getting A Man By Not Playing Hard To Get?

[L.Brown1114]

has anyone here gotten a man by not playing or being hard to get?

You answered his phone calls when you wanted to. Didn’t over think it. Hung out with him when you had time. Didn’t lie and say you’re seeing multiple guys or actually dated multiple guys. Didn’t make him wait months to sleep with you, slept with him when you wanted to. Etc?

Is this possible? Everyone keeps asking why I’m single and my only response is “Every man wants to chase and I don’t have the energy to run right now” I just want a relationship where we kind of just “crash” into each other. It’s simple, not complicated. Is there anyway to do this and not be friend zoned?

 

[LostInAdream]

Are you implying that by being unavailable all the time is playing hard to get? Or am I reading this wrong?

I do what you describe in your first paragraph with everyone in life Its all on my terms when I desire to interact with people which depends on that person's energy. If I am around one person, who fills energy my cup my interaction with others dwindle. However, if someone's energy isn't enough for me, I get it from multiple sources, but I typically enjoy my own company if that happens.

 

[NaturalEnigma]

has anyone here gotten a man by not playing or being hard to get?

You answered his phone calls when you wanted to. Didn’t over think it. Hung out with him when you had time. Didn’t lie and say you’re seeing multiple guys or actually dated multiple guys. Didn’t make him wait months to sleep with you, slept with him when you wanted to. Etc?

Is this possible? Everyone keeps asking why I’m single and my only response is “Every man wants to chase and I don’t have the energy to run right now” I just want a relationship where we kind of just “crash” into each other. It’s simple, not complicated. Is there anyway to do this and not be friend zoned?

I haven’t been in the dating game for a while and I’ve been soaking up advice from relationships books, and forums. I started dating recently and I noticed all those silly tactics (i.e. not texting immediately after receiving a text, pretending to be busy, being mysterious and not telling him too much about your day or whereabouts, etc) to make a man chase you just created confusion, distance and frustration. I’m just going to be open and honest whatever happens happens. I don’t feel like I’m being authentic. I think when you find the right man all that other stuff is not needed. Rather then do all those things I thinks it’s important to have respect for yourself and set healthy boundaries discussing and showing him what you like, desire and expect in a healthy relationship that way he can try to rise to the occasion and meet those needs. But that’s just my opinion.

 

[natural in ATL]

This is how it was when I met my husband. I'm sure this is why we worked together. No games, just honest communication.

 

[L.Brown1114]

I haven’t been in the dating game for a while and I’ve been soaking up advice from relationships books, and forums. I started dating recently and I noticed all those silly tactics (i.e. not texting immediately after receiving a text, pretending to be busy, being mysterious and not telling him too much about your day or whereabouts, etc) to make a man chase you just created confusion, distance and frustration. I’m just going to be open and honest whatever happens happens. I don’t feel like I’m being authentic. I think when you find the right man all that other stuff is not needed. Rather then do all those things I thinks it’s important to have respect for yourself and set healthy boundaries discussing and showing him what you like, desire and expect in a healthy relationship that way he can try to rise to the occasion and meet those needs. But that’s just my opinion.

Exactly!! I was looking up YouTube videos and the advice he mentioned were giving I was like “Jesus do men have low self esteem or something?” But other commenters said this is advice to turn a player into a good man or to find a broken man looking to be saved. I don’t want either of those. Like you I just want open and honest communication with a great vibe and energy that makes me want to be around him

 

[L.Brown1114]

This is how it was when I met my husband. I'm sure this is why we worked together. No games, just honest communication.

Omg thanks for giving me hope!! Can you give me a little more info? Like what his personality so like? Maybe those traits go together and that’s what I can look for in the next guy. Or what happened? How did you meet in details of you don’t mind

 

[LdyKamz]

I don't know any decent advice out there that says play hard to get and actually works. Look at even the threads on this forum. The advice isn't to play hard to get. No game playing and pretending you have a life. The trick is to actually have a life! When you pretend and play games it never works. You respond when you want but because you have a life it isn't always immediately. You see him when you want but because you have a life it won't be everyday or at the drop of a hat. Men want to chase yeah but the real thing is men want women who won't be and aren't consumed by them and/or dating. When you have friends, hobbies, other engagements, etc. you seem more (and really are) more interesting. That's all there is to it.

Find a man you like (which is really the most difficult part) and fit him into your life not work your life around him. That way there's no running, game playing or chasing or whatever. If you can handle dating one man without getting consumed by him and understanding that it won't be an instant relationship then do it. The real point of dating around is so you aren't attaching yourself to one guy but you can "circular date" with friends so no need to pretend you're seeing other men.

As far as sex -- everyone is different. You do whatever makes you feel comfortable, as long as you can take whatever happens after. If you can have sex on the first or second date without hoping for a full commitment tomorrow then go for it. If you want to wait until you feel like the relationship is going somewhere then do that.

None of this is game playing. It's being authentic, being able to manage your own feelings and being busy enough that you don't have to pretend to be something you aren't so he'll chase you. He'll be chasing you anyway to fit into your already full life.

 

[Black Ambrosia]

There are so many books and rules. It's disheartening to date honestly and then when the guy starts acting strange your friends say things like OP mentioned. But when you play the games it turns into something else altogether. It's exhausting.

 

[natural in ATL]

Omg thanks for giving me hope!! Can you give me a little more info? Like what his personality so like? Maybe those traits go together and that’s what I can look for in the next guy. Or what happened? How did you meet in details of you don’t mind

So happy my post gave you hope!

DH is a nice guy, family oriented, very loyal, funny and smart. So he did genuinely want to get to know me - he wasn't trying booty calls, etc. We were dating long distance, so that helped by forcing us to get to know each other on a deeper level without as many distractions. Usually when you're first dating someone, you're doing so many activities that it may take longer to truly get to know them.

We both knew we were "the one" early on and weren't afraid to express that. He told me he loved me first, etc but I wasn't hiding that I was feeling him.

We met at a sports bar, which was a great source of decent guys that I met while single. Highly recommend.

I also agree with @LdyKamz - I was truly busy when we met. I was working full time in a challenging role, getting my MBA, traveling the world with my MBA program and friends, and pretty heavily involved in church and volunteering. So I was not always available due to my schedule.

 

[Keen]

I agree with @LdyKamz . It’s really like dieting. Many people don’t see it as a lifestyle change. Therefore, it becomes a chore or game.

Let’s remember leaning back don’t work for everyone. It won’t work with everyone man. Some men wants to be chased. That just wouldn’t work for me because we both would be leaning back.

 

[Maracujá]

This is how it was when I met my husband. I'm sure this is why we worked together. No games, just honest communication.

Yup! Same thing for my sister who is in her early 40s now. It's my preferred way really, it's what I saw growing up, but it's very hard to come by nowadays. Even just the way guys used to let you know that they had no interest in you, was done in a more classy way.

 

[LiftedUp]

I dont play games or play hard to get it's just not my personality. If I'm playing hard to get it's because I'm genuinely not interested.

It's so bad these days that I've had to explicitly say that I'm playing I'm not interested for confused folk lol.

It has worked for me over the years. My dh and I met and got married in less than a year without game playing on either part.

I should add that I let my moral compass be my guide. I don't chase men, approach men, do heavy lifting in relationships etc.

 

[Maracujá]

I dont play games or play hard to get it's just not my personality. If I'm playing hard to get it's because I'm genuinely not interested.

It's so bad these days that I've had to explicitly say that I'm playing I'm not interested for confused folk lol.

It has worked for me over the years. My dh and I met and got married in less than a year without game playing on either part.

I should add that I let my moral compass be my guide. I don't chase men, approach men, do heavy lifting in relationships etc.

Care to expound on the bolded, please? I'm starting to feel this way, but am almost feeling bad for it, because all my life I've been given some kind of recipe that should work, but surprisingly, hasn't worked. It's somewhat similar to what Steve Jobs said about living with someone else's dogma.

 

[LiftedUp]

Care to expound on the bolded, please? I'm starting to feel this way, but am almost feeling bad for it, because all my life I've been given some kind of recipe that should work, but surprisingly, hasn't worked. It's somewhat similar to what Steve Jobs said about living with someone else's dogma.

Sure, I'm Christian and believe in being a lady. So those two aspects are my guiding principles when it comes to what I'm willing or not willing to do.

 

[L.Brown1114]

So happy my post gave you hope!

DH is a nice guy, family oriented, very loyal, funny and smart. So he did genuinely want to get to know me - he wasn't trying booty calls, etc. We were dating long distance, so that helped by forcing us to get to know each other on a deeper level without as many distractions. Usually when you're first dating someone, you're doing so many activities that it may take longer to truly get to know them.

We both knew we were "the one" early on and weren't afraid to express that. He told me he loved me first, etc but I wasn't hiding that I was feeling him.

We met at a sports bar, which was a great source of decent guys that I met while single. Highly recommend.

I also agree with @LdyKamz - I was truly busy when we met. I was working full time in a challenging role, getting my MBA, traveling the world with my MBA program and friends, and pretty heavily involved in church and volunteering. So I was not always available due to my schedule.

Thanks for the quick response!! I’m glad everything worked out for you! I h e done long distance but when we met there was no chemistry. I’m not shallow but he was a 100 lbs larger than he said he was. I thought he was chubby but he was very over weight and being healthy is very big to me. Not to mention he smelled like BO when we met so I’m a bit scarred for life on that one lol

 

[L.Brown1114]

I don't know any decent advice out there that says play hard to get and actually works. Look at even the threads on this forum. The advice isn't to play hard to get. No game playing and pretending you have a life. The trick is to actually have a life! When you pretend and play games it never works. You respond when you want but because you have a life it isn't always immediately. You see him when you want but because you have a life it won't be everyday or at the drop of a hat. Men want to chase yeah but the real thing is men want women who won't be and aren't consumed by them and/or dating. When you have friends, hobbies, other engagements, etc. you seem more (and really are) more interesting. That's all there is to it.

Find a man you like (which is really the most difficult part) and fit him into your life not work your life around him. That way there's no running, game playing or chasing or whatever. If you can handle dating one man without getting consumed by him and understanding that it won't be an instant relationship then do it. The real point of dating around is so you aren't attaching yourself to one guy but you can "circular date" with friends so no need to pretend you're seeing other men.

As far as sex -- everyone is different. You do whatever makes you feel comfortable, as long as you can take whatever happens after. If you can have sex on the first or second date without hoping for a full commitment tomorrow then go for it. If you want to wait until you feel like the relationship is going somewhere then do that.

None of this is game playing. It's being authentic, being able to manage your own feelings and being busy enough that you don't have to pretend to be something you aren't so he'll chase you. He'll be chasing you anyway to fit into your already full life.

Thanks so much for this!! I’ll look into filling up my schedule and seeing what happens. Plus that will open up new sources to meet men

 

[Southernbella.]

When I told dh I wasn't dating, I meant it. No games. I truly wasnt interested, but he wanted me so much he waited around until I was ready.

I think there's something to be said for being geniune. I don't think he would have waited if he thought I was playing or jerking him around or testing him. Like it or not, men have feelings too.

 

[Froreal3]

I’m like this and this is how it was when I met my SO. He has the qualities I want in a man and I was never into games. If I wanted to call, I did. If I wanted sex, I got it. If I didn’t, I didn’t. It was all on my terms. All that game stuff is exhausting, but like pps have said, I already had a lot on my plate professionally and socially so SO had to get in where he fit in. I made time for him because I enjoyed his company and vice versa.

 

[Maracujá]

This is a very interesting conversation, hope more ladies can chime in, given the state of male-female relationships nowadays.

 

[ckisland]

I know that I'm too early in this new relationship to be chiming in, but I've done the same thing in the past.

In real life, and especially with online dating, I am extremely blunt about what I want and what I don't want in a relationship. I'm not dancing a magic dance or hiding what I want under baskets. If you can't meet my basics, you're cut. Politely cut, but I'm letting you know that this isn't passing go. It saves both of us time LOL!!

Another thing is that I have too much personality to hide it under trying to play games. I do what I want, and go with what my intuition says. Now if you're a calm, laid back person, I don't know how that works in getting snatched up because that's the opposite of who I am

 

[PrissiSippi]

I don't know any decent advice out there that says play hard to get and actually works. Look at even the threads on this forum. The advice isn't to play hard to get. No game playing and pretending you have a life. The trick is to actually have a life! When you pretend and play games it never works. You respond when you want but because you have a life it isn't always immediately. You see him when you want but because you have a life it won't be everyday or at the drop of a hat. Men want to chase yeah but the real thing is men want women who won't be and aren't consumed by them and/or dating. When you have friends, hobbies, other engagements, etc. you seem more (and really are) more interesting. That's all there is to it.

Find a man you like (which is really the most difficult part) and fit him into your life not work your life around him. That way there's no running, game playing or chasing or whatever. If you can handle dating one man without getting consumed by him and understanding that it won't be an instant relationship then do it. The real point of dating around is so you aren't attaching yourself to one guy but you can "circular date" with friends so no need to pretend you're seeing other men.

As far as sex -- everyone is different. You do whatever makes you feel comfortable, as long as you can take whatever happens after. If you can have sex on the first or second date without hoping for a full commitment tomorrow then go for it. If you want to wait until you feel like the relationship is going somewhere then do that.

None of this is game playing. It's being authentic, being able to manage your own feelings and being busy enough that you don't have to pretend to be something you aren't so he'll chase you. He'll be chasing you anyway to fit into your already full life.

You’re the VIP for this post. You spoke a word.

 

[Mai Tai]

With my husband (or with any man I've dated previously), I never had to PLAY hard to get because I actually WAS hard to get. Even today after knowing him for over 14 years I still am not always readily available to my husband. I work, am developing 2 businesses, like to go out with my friends, shop, party, spend time alone, and participate in things that may not center around him. You don't have to play games when you have or are too busy building your life according to your wants, needs, and boundaries.

I don't know why any woman would want to win over a man who probably would have never wanted her to begin with had she not been playing hard to get. Tricking a man into chasing you is never necessary. When he is interested and invested in learning about the dynamically beautiful and powerful woman that you are, he will do so naturally.

My husband and I had an instant mutual attraction and he has always expressed a heartfelt interest in me. While dating, if I didn't answer his calls/texts, it truly was because I was either genuinely busy or not in the mood to chat. When I was ready to be intimate, I let him know and didn't care about anyone's 30/60/90 day rule. When he told me he loved me, I responded authentically and he has never placed me in a position to feel like I needed to play games to be loved or desired by him.

I've never had to act mysterious, complex, or multi-dimensional because all of those characteristics are naturally a huge part of my personality. My husband tells me all the time that just when he thinks he knows everything about me, I'll say or do something that surprises the heck out of him causing him to look at me with new eyes. I don't know what it is because I don't do this on purpose but I think that since I'm normally so curious about life, always reading, learning, and trying new things with or without him, I unknowingly keep him on his toes by just being me.

 

[Keen]

With my husband (or with any man I've dated previously), I never had to PLAY hard to get because I actually WAS hard to get. Even today after knowing him for over 14 years I still am not always readily available to my husband. I work, am developing 2 businesses, like to go out with my friends, shop, party, spend time alone, and participate in things that may not center around him. You don't have to play games when you have or are too busy building your life according to your wants, needs, and boundaries.

I don't know why any woman would want to win over a man who probably would have never wanted her to begin with had she not been playing hard to get. Tricking a man into chasing you is never necessary. When he is interested and invested in learning about the dynamically beautiful and powerful woman that you are, he will do so naturally.

My husband and I had an instant mutual attraction and he has always expressed a heartfelt interest in me. While dating, if I didn't answer his calls/texts, it truly was because I was either genuinely busy or not in the mood to chat. When I was ready to be intimate, I let him know and didn't care about anyone's 30/60/90 day rule. When he told me he loved me, I responded authentically and he has never placed me in a position to feel like I needed to play games to be loved or desired by him.

I've never had to act mysterious, complex, or multi-dimensional because all of those characteristics are naturally a huge part of my personality. My husband tells me all the time that just when he thinks he knows everything about me, I'll say or do something that surprises the heck out of him causing him to look at me with new eyes. I don't know what it is because I don't do this on purpose but I think that since I'm normally so curious about life, always reading, learning, and trying new things with or without him, I unknowingly keep him on his toes by just being me.

I think some people are naturally mysterious, complex, multi-dimensional and hard to get like @Mai Tai . They don't have to put any extra effort. When all those gurus started popping up on LCHF last year, I read an article on Katarina Phang. The writer said no contact don't work. Most people initially tried to e-jump her because she dared to question KPs teaching. But they totally misunderstood what the writer was trying to say. The writer was trying to explain if "no contact" is used as a game, which is how most people use it, it's not going to work. If you are busy living your life, you're not going to notice people who don't want to be in it, hence no contact.

I was intrigued by KP's teaching to the point I got a hold of her e-book. I couldn't understand for the life of me, why would someone want to put so much effort dating an emotionally unavailable man.

 

[Transformer]

@L.Brown1114

Son married the girl that didn’t play games. Previously he was dating the girl that wanted to save sex for marriage. My now DIL would spend every weekend at his place.

Thinking about it now, she was taking away the opportunity for other ladies to slide in there.

 

[NijaG]

@L.Brown1114

Son married the girl that didn’t play games. Previously he was dating the girl that wanted to save sex for marriage. My now DIL would spend every weekend at his place.

Thinking about it now, she was taking away the opportunity for other ladies to slide in there.

In (broad) general, I wouldn’t really consider saving sex until marriage game playing. At least not that aspect on its own.

More like difference in lifestyle choices.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

In (broad) general, I wouldn’t really consider saving sex until marriage game playing. At least not that aspect on its own.

More like difference in lifestyle choices.

Exactly and there are people that it works for. You need to find the right person for you. I'm sure Ciara and Russell managing to wait still went down the aisle and also Megan Good and Devlin Franklin . Waiting is a choice that has its benefits but again it's only for the right couple. So if someone can't wait, they're just not right for that person imo. Le shrug.

 

[Transformer]

In (broad) general, I wouldn’t really consider saving sex until marriage game playing. At least not that aspect on its own.

More like difference in lifestyle choices.

Exactly and there are people that it works for. You need to find the right person for you. I'm sure Ciara and Russell managing to wait still went down the aisle and also Megan Good and Devlin Franklin . Waiting is a choice that has its benefits but again it's only for the right couple. So if someone can't wait, they're just not right for that person imo. Le shrug.

Totally agree and he initially agreed to the plan. However, my understanding it was on and off commitment to celibacy. I don't know if you would could it a moment of weakness or game playing. But in the end he considered it game playing and she considered her spiritual soul in jeopardy.

 

[THicknLong]

I don't know any decent advice out there that says play hard to get and actually works. Look at even the threads on this forum. The advice isn't to play hard to get. No game playing and pretending you have a life. The trick is to actually have a life! When you pretend and play games it never works. You respond when you want but because you have a life it isn't always immediately. You see him when you want but because you have a life it won't be everyday or at the drop of a hat. Men want to chase yeah but the real thing is men want women who won't be and aren't consumed by them and/or dating. When you have friends, hobbies, other engagements, etc. you seem more (and really are) more interesting. That's all there is to it.

Find a man you like (which is really the most difficult part) and fit him into your life not work your life around him. That way there's no running, game playing or chasing or whatever. If you can handle dating one man without getting consumed by him and understanding that it won't be an instant relationship then do it. The real point of dating around is so you aren't attaching yourself to one guy but you can "circular date" with friends so no need to pretend you're seeing other men.

As far as sex -- everyone is different. You do whatever makes you feel comfortable, as long as you can take whatever happens after. If you can have sex on the first or second date without hoping for a full commitment tomorrow then go for it. If you want to wait until you feel like the relationship is going somewhere then do that.

None of this is game playing. It's being authentic, being able to manage your own feelings and being busy enough that you don't have to pretend to be something you aren't so he'll chase you. He'll be chasing you anyway to fit into your already full life.

I completely agree with everything you stated. I feel it should be organic. My BF and I just connected, we spent our first date talking about ourselves, families, careers, goals. We both are busy people and have our own things going on, which I appreciate. The beginning of our dating relationship was just natural. He would call or text and ask my availability he was always accommodating when it came to my time. I wouldn't always be available and neither would he. I did make the decision on our second date to color lol because, we both knew what we were looking for.

I would say date multiple people and just feel everyone out, while I was dating my BF, I was dating someone else, he managed to eliminate himself just by saying he didn't go into dating with intentions. Where as my BF showed me everything and more I was looking for in my future husband. He still does little things that lets me know I am with the person I am suppose to be with. He has the biggest smile on his face every time he sees me and gives me the longest hug when its time for me to leave. We don't talk everyday and thats ok with me, we check on each other at least twice a week due to our schedules, we also let each other know what our week looks like so we have an idea of when we will see each other again. I still feel like he is chasing me!! I said all this to say FIND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

 

[B_Phlyy]

I completely agree with everything you stated. I feel it should be organic. My BF and I just connected, we spent our first date talking about ourselves, families, careers, goals. We both are busy people and have our own things going on, which I appreciate. The beginning of our dating relationship was just natural. He would call or text and ask my availability he was always accommodating when it came to my time. I wouldn't always be available and neither would he. I did make the decision on our second date to color lol because, we both knew what we were looking for.

I would say date multiple people and just feel everyone out, while I was dating my BF, I was dating someone else, they manager to eliminate themselves just by saying they didn't go into dating with intentions. Where as my BF showed me everything and more I was looking for in my future husband. He still does little things that lets me know I am with the person I am suppose to be with. He has the biggest smile on his face every time he sees me and gives me the longest hug when its time for me to leave. We don't talk everyday and thats ok with me, we check on each other at least twice a week due to our schedules, we also let each other know what our week looks like so we have an idea of when we will see each other again. I still feel like he is chasing me!! I said all this to say FIND WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

100% this right here. This is how I met my DH. There are no games to play when you are legitimately a busy person with a life and interest. I was in my last year of nursing school, dealing with the death of my granna, and it was the holiday season when I decided to seriously date for marriage. Believe me, fools, users, and time wasters will remove themselves from your life without you having to do much. You won't even miss them if you have another date, conversation, hobby check in or whatever already lined up. And by dating multiple people, you have greater variety to compare and contrast who is worth it and who isn't.

 

[Highly Favored8]

This is how it was when I met my husband. I'm sure this is why we worked together. No games, just honest communication.

This !