Friends

[syze6]

I had a get together at my home with food and fun. We got in a discussion about marriage/relationships and friends. There was two guys who said that women are being unrealistic when they think they have to know their husband's friends. The whole she should be my friend as well, is being unreasonable. One guy had friends that he just met in the last year and was causing a problem with his wife. The wife found out about her from answering his phone. The female told her they were friends and she used to work with him etc. They had been communicating for about 6 months off and on. So when asked by the women in the room, why he couldn't share that with his wife his response was that it was pointless. He believed it to be innocent and not like it was a relationship.

So I said why the need for so many female friends if you have a wife. He said men need a woman's perspective. He said his wife doesn't need to know his female friends and if he is even communicating with her. He said women misconstrue things all the time. Expecting a man NOT to have female friends is setting yourself up for a let down.The other men were nodding, so of course the women called BS! The women in the room was trying to convey that it's the hiding it that is the issue, not her being his friend.

I know being married doesn't mean you are dead, but how many friends of the opposite sex does one really need to communicate with. I know people get different perspectives from others BUT why does the friendship have to be hidden. Women are not as unreasonable as men make us out to be. My hubby told him he was digging a grave for himself with the women! LOL!

 

[qchelle]

I think some people don't understand how easily emotional affairs can happen. Either that, or they just don't care. Maybe to some people, the sex part is all that matters. I think if you can effectively convey how phucked up his life will be if he starts telling another woman about his day,hanging out and ish, then maybe he'll see the light. You know, if you care about that.

The guy in the OP sounds like a phucking retarded douchebag who doesn't care about his wife's feelings.

 

[qchelle]

And the friendship shouldn't be hidden, of course. That's insane.

 

[syze6]

I think some people don't understand how easily emotional affairs can happen. Either that, or they just don't care. Maybe to some people, the sex part is all that matters. I think if you can effectively convey how phucked up his life will be if he starts telling another woman about his day,hanging out and ish, then maybe he'll see the light. You know, if you care about that.

The guy in the OP sounds like a phucking retarded douchebag who doesn't care about his wife's feelings.

I along with another woman told him that if you talk and share with a person enough you WILL become attached in some type of way. You look forward to talking and sharing so you ARE encouraging an emotional relationship and that is the foundation for most relationships. Later on he told my hubby that there was a disconnect with his wife. He said she was a great friend, strong woman, driven, focused and a great mother to their son. When it came to their marriage he didn't feel she felt an emotional connection to him. My hubby said he cracked on him and said maybe it has to do with the friends he keep finding and the cheating that has occurred with such friends. I said no wonder he was in there trying to sell his position and no wonder he had a wife that felt that way about friends! LOL! Iswear these men can be so silly!

 

[TwistedRoots]

Funny we just had this talk... I don't mind him having female "friends" I definitely need to know who she is ESPECIALLY if she's calling you! He knows Im not down with that "lending an ear" to another woman's problems.... Don't check for her or on her and we'll be Good... You better call your mama, auntie, and grandmama nem for a "females" perspective and even that's to a certain degree... Don't have them *****s in our business

 

[Layluh]

DH and I just talked about this too. I guess spring is coming up soon, a bunch of horny arse womens trying to holla.

No new friends, no new friends, no new friends no no no

 

[Prettymetty]

New friends are ok in certain situations. Usually they become mutual friends. Dh wouldn't associate with anyone that he knew I wouldn't like. Secret friends or non mutual friends are a big NO.

 

[Kindheart]

It depends on what the intentions of keeping this friendship are . Is it for an ego boost or he actually value this person as a friend,why does he feel the need to have such friend ,especially if she popped out after the relationship started . It's a thin line . One of my closest friends is a man ,we ve been friends for 12 years,all his gf s had a problem with me so I keep my distance while he s involved and chat with him much less frequently .

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

My law school BFF is going through this right now with her SO. While she was studying for the bar last year a new woman started working right next to him and he's doing all kinds of things for her that has my friend like "no." He says she's just a sister-friend (she apparently reminds him of his cousin and he's an only child) but my BFF's like if you met her before me, then fine but she came after me.

 

[syze6]

Funny we just had this talk... I don't mind him having female "friends" I definitely need to know who she is ESPECIALLY if she's calling you! He knows Im not down with that "lending an ear" to another woman's problems.... Don't check for her or on her and we'll be Good... You better call your mama, auntie, and grandmama nem for a "females" perspective and even that's to a certain degree... Don't have them *****s in our business

I don't have an issue with friends who are genuine friends that came before me. When you just met a young lady and one who may be a co-worker, I don't think there is much to talk about UNLESS the job requires you to. When you are married and still feel the need to confide in someone of the opposite sex, that the wife has no knowledge of, that is the issue. I have brothers and uncles and a strong father. That is where my male perspective comes from and the women I trust in my family. I think a married person who keeps opposite friends they need to hide were not ready for marriage or a committed relationship.

 

[Farida]

If you have a friend of the opposite sex that you don't want your spouse to meet and you have secrets...that's just a recipe for disaster. You need to question your own motives.

 

[ladysaraii]

My law school BFF is going through this right now with her SO. While she was studying for the bar last year a new woman started working right next to him and he's doing all kinds of things for her that has my friend like "no." He says she's just a sister-friend (he apparently reminds him of his cousin and he's only child) but my BFF's like if you met her before me, then fine but she came after me.

Nah none of that sister friend nonsense. She ain't your sister.

 

[FemmeFatale]

My law school BFF is going through this right now with her SO. While she was studying for the bar last year a new woman started working right next to him and he's doing all kinds of things for her that has my friend like "no." He says she's just a sister-friend (she apparently reminds him of his cousin and he's an only child) but my BFF's like if you met her before me, then fine but she came after me.

Your friend is not entirely wrong, I have literally watched a colleague/friend relationship fall apart (I met the ex gf) and the Indian colleague chick that he was so friendly with all the time is now his woman and I know he's going to marry her. This happened in the time span of 1.5 years but I saw it coming from day 1.

 

[FemmeFatale]

I think the thing that women fear the most is the intimacy being shared and that's why a woman should be with a man that is her genuine friend, someone that he can confide in, share goals and dreams with and vice versa. If your foundation is solid then other women shouldn't really be so much of a threat. However I do believe in establishing healthy boundaries.

My BFF is going through something similar, she said she feels like her dude is just her lover, a man she dates and sleeps with on a consistent basis, not her friend and that he's always last on the list to call and that it's mutual on his end..she even said that if I were a dude she'd marry me, lol. To me that is a huge problem. My SO and I talk about everything and he's my go to person for things and vice versa.

 

[Kindheart]

I think the thing that women fear the most is the intimacy being shared and that's why a woman should be with a man that is her genuine friend, someone that he can confide in, share goals and dreams with and vice versa. If your foundation is solid then other women shouldn't really be so much of a threat. However I do believe in establishing healthy boundaries.

My BFF is going through something similar, she said she feels like her dude is just her lover, a man she dates and sleeps with on a consistent basis, not her friend and that he's always last on the list to call and that it's mutual on his end..she even said that if I were a dude she'd marry me, lol. To me that is a huge problem. My SO and I talk about everything and he's my go to person for things and vice versa.

I see what you re saying ,I had similar conversations with my BFF ,but to me it's the total opposite ,the more I talk about my life ,share stories of my personal life and talk about men to a guy friend the more Likely i see him as just a friend with little to no attraction towards him . The male friends I have for one reason or another are unattractive to me . I told this to a couple of them ,once I m talking to you about other guys that's it ,we re 100% friends.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Your friend is not entirely wrong, I have literally watched a colleague/friend relationship fall apart (I met the ex gf) and the Indian colleague chick that he was so friendly with all the time is now his woman and I know he's going to marry her. This happened in the time span of 1.5 years but I saw it coming from day 1.

I think the thing that women fear the most is the intimacy being shared and that's why a woman should be with a man that is her genuine friend, someone that he can confide in, share goals and dreams with and vice versa. If your foundation is solid then other women shouldn't really be so much of a threat. However I do believe in establishing healthy boundaries.

My BFF is going through something similar, she said she feels like her dude is just her lover, a man she dates and sleeps with on a consistent basis, not her friend and that he's always last on the list to call and that it's mutual on his end..she even said that if I were a dude she'd marry me, lol. To me that is a huge problem. My SO and I talk about everything and he's my go to person for things and vice versa.

Men will not rock the boat. They will sit with what they have and move when presented with what they want. So if the man you're with isn't making moves towards whatever you've identified as mutual goals you may very well be his holding piece. Too many women jump to claim a man before he's shown he's actually all in with you then act like a victim afterwards.

Your BFF needs to figure out why she is laying up with someone she doesn't feel like is her friend. Guarantee when he finds someone that he has that connection with he will bounce.

If your colleague had that connection at home he wouldn't have been open to the new woman. Especially if they're heading to marriage 1.5 years in. Betcha his ex was in for 4 years or more and still seething instead of moving on and recognizing red flags.

In both of these cases the "friends" female or not were not the real problem.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

If you are hiding an opposite sex friendship from your spouse, you are clearly up to nothing good.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Men will not rock the boat. They will sit with what they have and move when presented with what they want. So if the man you're with isn't making moves towards whatever you've identified as mutual goals you may very well be his holding piece. Too many women jump to claim a man before he's shown he's actually all in with you then act like a victim afterwards. Your BFF needs to figure out why she is laying up with someone she doesn't feel like is her friend. Guarantee when he finds someone that he has that connection with he will bounce. If your colleague had that connection at home he wouldn't have been open to the new woman. Especially if they're heading to marriage 1.5 years in. Betcha his ex was in for 4 years or more and still seething instead of moving on and recognizing red flags. In both of these cases the "friends" female or not were not the real problem.

Right but I also believe in establishing healthy boundaries. Everyone fully understanding their position and its up to the man to establish that.

 

[NOEChic]

You should have asked the men if they would have a problem with their wives and girlfriends having male friends that they didn't know about.

I bet you they would have a serious problem with it. And their reasoning will be that they know men and what they want. Then you counter with well if you know men and what they want, it's safe to say that's whatYou want from your friend.

Watch them squirm. That messed up their world when you call them on their bs.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Your friend is not entirely wrong, I have literally watched a colleague/friend relationship fall apart (I met the ex gf) and the Indian colleague chick that he was so friendly with all the time is now his woman and I know he's going to marry her. This happened in the time span of 1.5 years but I saw it coming from day 1.

I won't be surprised if that happens here. Especially because I think her SO is ready to marry her but she keeps him at arms length. If he's not into his coworker it may be his way of acting out to get her attention.

 

[Fine 4s]

You should have asked the men if they would have a problem with their wives and girlfriends having male friends that they didn't know about. I bet you they would have a serious problem with it. And their reasoning will be that they know men and what they want. Then you counter with well if you know men and what they want, it's safe to say that's whatYou want from your friend. Watch them squirm. That messed up their world when you call them on their bs.

NOEChic

The problem with reversing the situation is that you MIGHT be with someone who doesn't care about male friends. What would be the basis for your argument then? I say just let them know what you will and will not accept regardless of what THEY would do.

 

[NOEChic]

NOEChic The problem with reversing the situation is that you MIGHT be with someone who doesn't care about male friends. What would be the basis for your argument then? I say just let them know what you will and will not accept regardless of what THEY would do.

that is when you get a male friend lol.

 

[**SaSSy**]

If he was my husband, he wouldn't be having any females friends...period!