(((LadyP))) you make me misty-eyed because I know exactly what you mean.
When I met hubby-mine, my best friend was a guy. Not my BF at all, but a very good friend and the BF of my good friend. We all got along very well and it was clear where everyone stood. Before my hubby, he was the big brother I never had and if I didn't know any better (or if he didn't date my friend) I'd think he was gay because he had the gentle understanding you get from fellow girlfriends, where you can cry over silly stuff and not annoy them because they might cry with you.
Hubby (then BF) was OK with my friendship and I thought it could continue to be. But then one day my male BFF called me to let me know the entire posse was going to the movies and wondered if I was going to join them. I had plans with my BF so I passed. Later they were to stop at my place at a certain time but came earlier while BF and I were still out. I found a note that was cussing me out for being inconsiderate. I immediately called because I got home half an hour earlier than our planned meeting. He cussed me out in ways I had never been talked to before. This is someone I would have gone to my death bed defending that he would ever raise his voice at me or say a mean thing. I hung up and then waited for him to calm down before calling him back. He never did calm down and continued to call me names. You'd swear I had dont a horrible thing to this guy. We never spoke again.
All I could think of is because I was now "unavailable" to hang out, there was some sort of jealousy, like that a mother has when her young boy leaves home or gets married. Hubby's interpretation was different, and I couldn't argue with him because I don't know and he might see it from a guy's perspective. Anyway, I lost a very dear friend for reasons that even to this day make no sense to me. And it took a long time to fathom that I'd have to learn to live life without my friend in it again. My sister met him when things were cool and she admonished me a few years later saying that I should never lose a friend over some silly argument and that I should track him down. But heeding my hubby's "sense" of what dude's problem was, and having respect for my rlp and for myself, I had ignore my sister and keep that limb that I cut off back then in that pit I threw it in back then.
So it will hurt, if you have to let go. But where a door closes, another opens that leads to happiness too, perhaps even more than you knew. It's been 11 years since I lost my BFF, and I can tell you it gets better.
I don't miss him anymore. And I'm grateful for the short time he was in my life because I grew and was happy and have memories of our whole gang laughing and "joshing" till we were all crying and bent over unable to breathe from laughing so hard. And they were my "family" when I was new in the US. But I'm happy again without them in my life and can remember those days without feeling sad. Even that shocking exchange that ended our friendship doesn't make me teary anymore.
You'll be OK, Hun, whichever way honesty takes you.
ETA: It is 11 years since my BFF and I spoke, not 14 as I had first posted.
He has seen the back to back emails from my friend on the screen. Knowing him, he's probably logged into my email behind my back and read every.single.one anyway. So he should KNOW there's nothing untoward going on.
now he's buying a farm with his wife 
It's all just friendly chit-chat.
Nonie you make an excellent point. I also don't want my friend's wife to find out we have been in contact and for her to get jealous or hurt and make complications for him. 
) reminds me of how I used to feel, long ago. 
When we got together she claimed that she had attempted suicide and my ex ran over there playin captain save-a-ho. 
