Four years and not ready to get engaged?

[Bunny77]

23 is not too young to get engaged or married, imo. it just depends on the person. if you are truly ready and he isn't, then you need to decide how long you are willing to wait.

i personally would not want to wait 4 or 5 more years for him to get himself together. there is no magic amount of $$ you need to have in the bank before you get married. i can see that line of thinking when discussing bringing children into a relationship, but it doesn't take a lot of money to get married. your financial situation is something that you can work on together.

bottom line is he isn't ready and you have no idea when he'll be ready, so now it's on you. either you will stick it out for however long and hope he comes around, or you will move on and find a man who is marriage minded and ready to take that step.

Yeah, I co-sign that 23 isn't inherently too young to be married. Less than 40 years ago, that was the average age of marriage... today's 23 years olds didn't suddenly become too young to get married, but now that society has determined that 23 is young, 23-year-olds have adopted the mindset that they're "not ready" and are usually backed by the majority of the population in that belief.

(Plus, if they married in a year, he'd be about 25.)

Also, I think there's nothing wrong with the OP desiring to get married. Everyone doesn't have to do the sassy, single girl thing of traveling (to where? Bahamas? Most people don't do THAT much traveling that requires them to remain single), "finding yourself," etc... different strokes for different folks. Or maybe she has done a lot of that already and is ready for another phase in her life.

But I think we all agree that no man can be pushed into marriage. And sorry, but him simply saying he wants to be with you for the rest of his life isn't as good as an engagement.

I would have to move on. People can waste too much time waiting on a man and waiting for some great magical moment of "readiness" and "stability" that can always be pushed off. I'd go and date other people, and if the original guy is indeed the one... he'll come back and they can have a serious talk about marriage.

I will also say that Gemini should start operating less on emotion and feeling and start thinking more logically about this whole thing. Whether you marry this man or someone else, your marriage won't get very far if you make all of your decisions based on "feeling." Some cold hard reality needs to be in place as well... and in this case, the cold hard reality might be that you need to move apart from this man.

(Oh, and like everyone else said, what the dude's mama is doing is irrelevant to this situation.)

 

[UmSumayyah]

23 is not too young to get engaged or married, imo. it just depends on the person. if you are truly ready and he isn't, then you need to decide how long you are willing to wait.

i personally would not want to wait 4 or 5 more years for him to get himself together. there is no magic amount of $$ you need to have in the bank before you get married. i can see that line of thinking when discussing bringing children into a relationship, but it doesn't take a lot of money to get married. your financial situation is something that you can work on together.

bottom line is he isn't ready and you have no idea when he'll be ready, so now it's on you. either you will stick it out for however long and hope he comes around, or you will move on and find a man who is marriage minded and ready to take that step.

And there you have it.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

What we have here is a classic example of what happens when people date just to date and aren't dating for marriage. This is common with people who enter into serious relationships at a young age. It doesn't always end up like this, but I see it more often than not.

When you are dating for marriage, stuff like this doesn't become an issue. From the beginning, both people have the goal of marriage in mind. You are seeing if the other person is marriage material, and at the same time you are preparing yourself for marriage. Your SO has done none of that because for the last 4 years, it's been fun, kissing, and hugging--with no real focus on what is to come in the future. The mindset at that age is 'We're too young to be thinking about marriage, you really have to get to know someone first.' Then 4 years later both parties are still not married and at least one person still isn't ready.

This is the new way of approaching relationships, and this is the consequence. People think that just because they like someone now, that a few years later they will magically be ready to take the next step. Meanwhile, there are people out there who start dating in January, are engaged by October, and are married by December. Why? Because they dated with marriage as the ultimate goal.

OP, when he says he is too young...he is right. There are men that age who are ready to be married, but he is not one of them. He's had years of enjoying your company, but now his career is going to become his priority. He's ready to make money, save his money, and enjoy his money. This isn't to say it won't work out, but if you are ready to be married NOW, then it's time to seek that out. It might be time for you to begin what I call Operation Fallback. Start focusing on yourself and keep in mind that there are men out there who will wife you within a year. Once he sees you slipping away, he'll either do what he needs to do to keep you in his life--if that is what he wants--or he'll let you get away. He's not too concerned with that now, because in his mind--you'll wait for him forever.

As for me, I know I'm not ready at all to be married right now, so I am just dating for fun. When I am ready, I'm not waiting longer than a year for a ring, and a date needs to be set soon after. When I'm ready to be married, I am dating for marriage only. If this doesn't work out for you OP, that's what you need to do.

 

[mscocoface]

Stop listening to family and friends about when you are going to get married.

This is between you two, if he ain't ready there is nothing you can do to change that. You have two options, live with it or move on.

You have to ask yourself which options is the best one for you right now? Because either way you will still get input from family and friends and will have to deal with the comments.

My suggestion would be to make sure you have a response from friends and family members for whatever you and he decide, particularly if right now there will be no engagement.

Don't let others sweat you and pressure you about how this relationship should be progressing. Also regarding the 4 years, if this was a situation where you both were in your 30s or 40s it would look and be different than being fresh out of high school and college.

 

[Bunny77]

Broadstreet, LOVED the post! Nail on head!!!

 

[FoxxyLocs]

IA w/BSB. Purposeful dating is what you should be doing if you want to be married. It doesn't mean jumping in and thinking every guy is "the one", but knowing what you want and exiting the relationship as soon as you realize he's not the one, instead of wasting years and years with someone who isn't ready or willing to be married.

before my DH, my longest relationship was only a few months. it doesn't take long to figure out whether or not someone is marriage material if you start out with that goal in mind. once we both decided that marriage was at least a possibility for us, we still dated for a couple of years before we got married, but there was an understanding of what was coming. not just dating with no end in sight.

 

[Bunny77]

IA w/BSB. Purposeful dating is what you should be doing if you want to be married. It doesn't mean jumping in and thinking every guy is "the one", but knowing what you want and exiting the relationship as soon as you realize he's not the one, instead of wasting years and years with someone who isn't ready or willing to be married.

before my DH, my longest relationship was only a few months. it doesn't take long to figure out whether or not someone is marriage material if you start out with that goal in mind. once we both decided that marriage was at least a possibility for us, we still dated for a couple of years before we got married, but there was an understanding of what was coming. not just dating with no end in sight.

And that's the key right there.

This thread make me specifically think of two couples who met in college, dated those four years of college and then married IMMEDIATELY after that. Actually, one couple married before the girl graduated (the guy was a year older, but still, he was about 22), and the other couple's wedding date was a week after their undergrad graduation date.

This was in 1998 and 1999. They are both still married today. Neither couple was "financially stable," nor had established careers. They lived off student loans in grad school or off entry-level pay, but the couples are doing quite well now.

The point though is that in those four years, marriage was discussed and planned and all along, they knew that marriage was going to be the end result. When an engagement happened, a wedding date was set. None of them had to guess and wonder and hope and beg and plead and all that about an engagement date or a wedding date.

It was discussed, planned, and it happened. With "young" people in the modern era. The key is, they all wanted to get married and there was no confusion as to whether or not it would happen.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

if someone handed him a million dollars tommorow he would still
would not marry....it's not the $$$$
it's being emotionally ready

What she said.

It really doesn't have much to do with him being financially ready. That's just an excuse he used to seem "logical". I really don't think he's EMOTIONALLY ready to be married right now. If there's one thing that I've learned from relationship books, life experience, and the experiences of my girl friends, it's that a man gets married when (and ONLY when) he PERSONALLY is "ready" to be married. It may sound crazy and unfair, but it's the truth! That's why so often you hear of a man who was with a woman for 5 or 6 years and she never got an engagement ring, but yet after they break up he meets a woman and 1 year later they're engaged and have a wedding date set.

So, what you need to do is recognize this, and take a break from him IMO. If marriage is TRULY on your mind and what YOU want, then if you stay with him and wait for him to change, you're probably going to grow increasingly more frustrated with him.

But ask yourself this: Do YOU really want to be married because you love him? Or, are you only feeling this "need" to be married because you're getting pressure from family members or friends who are asking: "so..when's the wedding date?" You have to ask yourself that question. Don't let others pressure you or push you into marriage simply because they feel that it's the right time for you to be married. But if you deep down WANT to be married now and feel ready, then you know what you need to do!

What we have here is a classic example of what happens when people date just to date and aren't dating for marriage. This is common with people who enter into serious relationships at a young age. It doesn't always end up like this, but I see it more often than not.

When you are dating for marriage, stuff like this doesn't become an issue. From the beginning, both people have the goal of marriage in mind. You are seeing if the other person is marriage material, and at the same time you are preparing yourself for marriage

EXACTLY! Great post!

This is exactly why I only date with a view to marriage. I KNOW that I want to be married. I have marriage in mind. I feel like I am at a good stage of my life where I could handle those responsibilities if they were to come my way. I also know that I'm not getting any younger, so why would I waste my time w/a guy who doesn't have the same goals and marriage mind-set that I do??

It only leads to frustration, heartache, and a waste of time if you ask me. If you personally know that you are at a place in your life where you FEEL like you want to be married (let's face it...women probably feel it quicker than men mainly because of our biological clocks ticking lol), then try to find some men who think like you do, and who are ready to settle down themselves.

I'm not saying that it's just about his age (because I know of guys around 21, 22, 23 who have all gotten married), but IMO you would probably do better to meet and date guys who OLDER or at least more around your age like 27, 28, 29, etc. Usually guys around this age are starting to feel the "itch" to get married and settle down. Most of them have finished their schooling by now, and have at least a few years of serious experience in the workforce, and therefore feel somewhat "stable" and ready to start a family/have a wife.

At 23, your guy has probably just finished college...or if he didn't go to college, he's still looking to have fun, and "sow his wild oats". It's sad...but it's true!

OP...just do YOU. Take a break from him and see what happens if you know that you really want to get married. Because honestly, what MIGHT end up happening is that if you continue to STAY with him, when he KNOWS that you really want to get married, his respect for you could start to go down, because you're not really respecting yourself and YOUR wishes. He could also dangle that "engagement" ring like a carrot on a stick. You don't want that to happen....

 

[ctosha]

Iam in the exact situation to a tee. Except im 26 and my bf is 25 ill be 27 in July. We have both finished school and working full time. I would love more responses

 

[Bunny77]

Iam in the exact situation to a tee. Except im 26 and my bf is 25 ill be 27 in July. We have both finished school and working full time. I would love more responses

Come on in!

Tell us more, tell us more.

Does your boyfriend initiate marriage discussion? Who brings the topic up? What does he say about the future and what plans has he made?

 

[BroadstreetBully]

IA w/BSB. Purposeful dating is what you should be doing if you want to be married. It doesn't mean jumping in and thinking every guy is "the one", but knowing what you want and exiting the relationship as soon as you realize he's not the one, instead of wasting years and years with someone who isn't ready or willing to be married.

before my DH, my longest relationship was only a few months. it doesn't take long to figure out whether or not someone is marriage material if you start out with that goal in mind. once we both decided that marriage was at least a possibility for us, we still dated for a couple of years before we got married, but there was an understanding of what was coming. not just dating with no end in sight.

There is nothing wrong with this either. If I met a guy today and felt like he was husband material, it would probably be a few years before I was ready to get married, but that is because I don't live with a guy or combine finances before marriage--and there are some things I would like to get established before making that step. I have an idea of when I would feel comfortable seeking out a husband--which is down the line, and at that point I know that within a year there needs to be an actual date of some sort.

There was this guy I dated briefly who told me by the 5th date that he wanted to be married within the next 2 years. He wasn't playing around. He just got his first job out of school, he was tired of the dating game, and he felt like it was time. When a man is ready...it's on.

 

[Gemini350z]

Wow- I did not expect all these responses. I appreciate everyone who replied. I will begin reading now.

 

[MissJ]

You ladies are really putting it down today!

 

[ctosha]

Come on in!

Tell us more, tell us more.

Does your boyfriend initiate marriage discussion? Who brings the topic up? What does he say about the future and what plans has he made?

Well me and my bf have been going out for over 4 years now. He is 25 and im 27. We started dating when he was about 21 and I was 22. He is a really good guy. He put up with alot for the first 3 years. I was very insecure and I was kind of clingy. I hate to say it but I was, and he would tell me not to be there is no reason to be. In the first year we broke up for three months. We missed each other so so much we got back together and never been apart ever since. I didn't bring up the marriage talk until late last year and been on it ever sinceerplexed. He told me that he is not ready. I let him know im not dating just to date and that I want to get married. His response was that although he is not ready he would not be with me so long if he did not want to marry me eventually. I can understand because of his age. We do not live together, no kids.. I would like more of a commitment in terms of engagement ring. But I do respect his decision and I am not into ultimatums. So I am willing to wait it out but honestly not for long. When I mean i will wait I mean until sometime next year. I vowed to myself not to pressure him anymore b/c I have voiced my opinion so he knows what my intentions are. The more you nag the more they push away and I dont want that he is truly a good man. He doesn't initiate conversation b/c to be honest I dont give him a chance I'am always on it. Some ppl say its the ones who resist the most who shock you one day out of the blue and pop the question but I'm not waiting on that.

 

[Gemini350z]

Ok- lol, Where to start!?

First and foremost, I asked the questions here because I wanted advice from those who might have been or is dating a younger man, and felt this way at some point. I do not bring this topic up, yes it comes up occasionally within conversation as it naturally should (ie: him saying "when we get married we have to do this... or when we have kids....). Therefore, it is something that we both think about. Since day one he let me know that he was not looking for someone to just be with for a year and move on to the next. He wanted something longterm. We both have had very "interesting" relationships (putting it lightly) in our short past, and were looking for something substantial not superficial.

In regards to the whole issue of me doing me. I do and so does he. I have been on my own since 17/18 years old. I actually left college to start a business and have been running that ever since. So I am financially stable and secure. I have a social life, go out frequently with my friends and am actually putting myself through school to complete my degree.

When it comes to our age difference, I knew it might be an issue down the road. And we spoke about it, I have said to him "you are young are you sure you want to be in a committed relationship?" and he always answers that yes he is sure, he want's something meaningful that will flourish, and not a one night stand or unnecessary drama from insignificant relationships. Yes, most men would say they don't want to be tied down, they want to live life, and be with other women. However, he has a completely unconventional way of thinking for a 23 year old. So much so that sometimes it scares me and makes me ask are you sure your not older than me...lol.

I really do appreciate everyones comments. I am in it for the long haul, as is he. If he is not ready right now, all we should do is live our life until it is the right time for the both of us. I support him 100% and respect what he says. Yes my outlook on this topic is different than his, but I feel that understanding that and respecting the difference will make us a stronger couple.

I know some people believe that 23 and 25 is too young to get married, but you cant just generalize that because everyone is different. Some individuals in their early 20's can be very mature and financially secure. Just because a majority of that age group is not does not mean that their are not a few that are ready. I guess it is just a matter of personal opinion and various situational factors.
Thanks again ladies!

 

[ctosha]

Ok- lol, Where to start!?

First and foremost, I asked the questions here because I wanted advice from those who might have been or is dating a younger man, and felt this way at some point. I do not bring this topic up, yes it comes up occasionally within conversation as it naturally should (ie: him saying "when we get married we have to do this... or when we have kids....). Therefore, it is something that we both think about. Since day one he let me know that he was not looking for someone to just be with for a year and move on to the next. He wanted something longterm. We both have had very "interesting" relationships (putting it lightly) in our short past, and were looking for something substantial not superficial.

In regards to the whole issue of me doing me. I do and so does he. I have been on my own since 17/18 years old. I actually left college to start a business and have been running that ever since. So I am financially stable and secure. I have a social life, go out frequently with my friends and am actually putting myself through school to complete my degree.

When it comes to our age difference, I knew it might be an issue down the road. And we spoke about it, I have said to him "you are young are you sure you want to be in a committed relationship?" and he always answers that yes he is sure, he want's something meaningful that will flourish, and not a one night stand or unnecessary drama from insignificant relationships. Yes, most men would say they don't want to be tied down, they want to live life, and be with other women. However, he has a completely unconventional way of thinking for a 23 year old. So much so that sometimes it scares me and makes me ask are you sure your not older than me...lol.

I really do appreciate everyones comments. I am in it for the long haul, as is he. If he is not ready right now, all we should do is live our life until it is the right time for the both of us. I support him 100% and respect what he says. Yes my outlook on this topic is different than his, but I feel that understanding that and respecting the difference will make us a stronger couple.

I know some people believe that 23 and 25 is too young to get married, but you cant just generalize that because everyone is different. Some individuals in their early 20's can be very mature and financially secure. Just because a majority of that age group is not does not mean that their are not a few that are ready. I guess it is just a matter of personal opinion and various situational factors.
Thanks again ladies!

@ the bolded this is my bf exactly....scary...lol

 

[Kurlee]

22/23 is too young

4 years may be soon, since he got with you at 18

he just finished school, give him time to find his way

don't pressure him, i think it makes life easier when you have established yourself before marrying

 

[jdvzmommy]

OP, be glad that he loves and respects you enough to not pacify you with a ring.

 

[TheGrimPhreaker]

Not for nothing OP but I'm a Taurus. I know Taurus men very well, too. Anybody who knows Taureans very well know that if they REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to get married, they will tie you down in a heart beat. My guess is, he doesn't want the commitment of even being engaged. Most Taureans hate to make promises that they don't plan to keep.

 

[Lenee925]

OP: You're right, not every 23 year-old guy is the same. I have some other thoughts regarding what will happen but I wish you the best.

 

[Poranges]

I agree with almost of all the ladies in this thread. I also commend your SO for being upfront about his feelings, it is WAY better than him agreeing to marry you and then falling short on his responsibilities.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

OP, it is obvious that the two of you really love each other. Only you know what is best for you. I applaud you for sticking by him and I wish you two the best. From this point on it is best not to pressure him because he made it clear that he is not ready right now. As long as there is no resentment down the line, all is good. He knows your desires and you know his. Leave it at that and enjoy the time you have together.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Ok- lol, Where to start!?


I know some people believe that 23 and 25 is too young to get married, but you cant just generalize that because everyone is different. Some individuals in their early 20's can be very mature and financially secure. Just because a majority of that age group is not does not mean that their are not a few that are ready. I guess it is just a matter of personal opinion and various situational factors.
Thanks again ladies!

Well I agree, hubby and I both married at 25. I asked him if he thought we married too young and he said no it was just perfect. Some guys are mature, meanwhile some of he is friends are near 30 and have no plans for marriage anytime soon. Its a case by case thing.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

In regards to the whole issue of me doing me. I do and so does he. I have been on my own since 17/18 years old. I actually left college to start a business and have been running that ever since. So I am financially stable and secure. I have a social life, go out frequently with my friends and am actually putting myself through school to complete my degree.

Way to go!! Way to go on all of that girl!

That's excellent!

That's good that you seem to be pretty self-suficient in your life. I think however, that this may also be another reason why you are ready and he is not. You've been on your own since you were 18, which is earlier than most women. So technically, even though your physical age is only 25, your "REAL" age might be closer to 30! You see what I'm saying?? Your life experiences, taking care of yourself on your own, and starting a business are things that most women at 18 don't usually do at such a young age. Meanwhile, he JUST finished college!

So...you see where there might be somewhat of a disconnect?? All I know is my family members always told me to find/marry a man who has the same values that I have, and to marry someone who is at your same level. I'm not talking about financial level/status, but more so where the person is in their stage of life. I notice that a lot of times when people get married it's not so much about how "OLD" the person is, but more so what STAGE of life the person is. If you two aren't in the same stage of life, then it might be difficult getting one to settle down. I've known some women who are 6 years older than their husband to get enaged and married. Why?? Because their husband (although younger than them) felt "ready" and at the same stage in life.

So...it's good that you are sticking by him. Only you know how you truly feel, and what you truly want and need. So, if you're okay with it, then by all means...stick with it! But if you're having any doubts....