Spinoff from Usher- When men are ready, they're ready?

[SvelteVelvet]

Oh yes, this is very common. I had an ex track me down through e-mail a couple of years ago. He was actually my first everything, young love and all that. Anyway, he was settling in ATL and about to purchase his first home and wanted a 'wife' to go with it so he contacted me at the time I was in a serious relationship but it was such a 180 from him being a young wild boy not trying to settle down. He'd give me little clues and I could feel and tell back then that if this was a different time and we were at different points in our lives that he'd probably want to wife me but when that day came it was kinda weird.

I have a guy friend that I met in college he was in a few of my classes and he chased me big time but in the most courteous way, not even knowing me he just walked up to me while I was in a study hall and gave me a 3 page front and back letter. It was real talk, he was intelligent and sweet I couldn't NOT talk to him so we became really tight friends but I couldn't see him in a romantic way. He'd say things like "She's my wife, she just doesn't know it yet" Little things like that and even tried to have one of my friend intervene on his behalf. Like "Why don't you just try dating him?" Which was soo unlike her, I know he put her up to it. Anyway, he finally started dating and I ended up moving out of the state and we lost contact and when I came back I learned that he married a girl from our school. And me and the girl could be sisters. I'm happy for him though, but he was really serious about finding him a wife and he did that.

I have a friend this type of situation happened to, too. There was this guy who was in her H.S. class, they didn't date, they just knew each other through their class. He may have had a crush on her and she may have known but nothing ever happened between them. Well after they graduated high school he came to her house that night and proposed to her, ring and EVERYTHING She was like "WHAT!?" She thought he was joking but he was serious, of course she's like no, we haven't even dated, I can't just married you. He got mad, never talked to her again and probably a couple of months later we got wind that he had gotten married. We all wondered if she knew she was 2nd choice, or how many other girls doors he went knocking on with a ring until someone said yes.

 

[FlowerHair]

I recently let go of someone that would not commit...after 12 years. How stupid am I? I am mad at me for wasting my child bearing years on him.

I am sure that he is close to getting married to someone else. I am not jealous or hurt because I know what she is getting....a minute man with bad credit.

Don't feel stupid. You're just human. In 12 years you will be so grateful that you didn't spend another 12 years with him all while you are enjoying yourself with the true love of your life

 

[SweetCaramel1]

I recently let go of someone that would not commit...after 12 years. How stupid am I? am mad at me for wasting my child bearing years on him.

I am sure that he is close to getting married to someone else. I am not jealous or hurt because I know what she is getting....a minute man with bad credit.

ah lawd don't feel bad girl i was stupid too. he may come back around.

my ex chased me down at the fabric store last week. i mean what in the hell was he doing in a fabric store. he also looked in my car and saw an expectant mothers sign. i was pissed because i felt like he was stalking me and invaded my privacy. he told me he just had a four month old baby.......................... i'm like............................. well how would your baby mama feel if she knew you were chasing down your pregnant ex girlfriend that was disrespectful to me and her on so many levels

i'm so happy we're through. enjoy your freedom dear!

 

[ClassicBeauty]

Oh yes, this is very common. I had an ex track me down through e-mail a couple of years ago. He was actually my first everything, young love and all that. Anyway, he was settling in ATL and about to purchase his first home and wanted a 'wife' to go with it so he contacted me at the time I was in a serious relationship but it was such a 180 from him being a young wild boy not trying to settle down. He'd give me little clues and I could feel and tell back then that if this was a different time and we were at different points in our lives that he'd probably want to wife me but when that day came it was kinda weird.

This is so strange! I really think they are all the same!

The last time I saw my Mr. Big, I went with him to look for houses and condos. He was recently promoted by his job and had to relocate. He bought the one I liked the best, and now he's trying to get me to help him decorate it. I know that I can't go back there. He's on his own from here. I let him sucker me into helping him sort through the contracts and the realtor. He needed my legal advice...yeah right! (He knows how to make me feel needed!) While we were looking at the condo and checking out the comps in the neighborhood, he was trying his best to paint the picture of our wonderful future.

It's so sad that so many of them are functioning along the same pattern, but I don't think they know it.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

The only issue I have with this type of situation is that sometimes you are holding a person accountable for things they did as a child. He is a grown man now! I dated someone when I was 19, we were serious and things ended up not working out. He tried for 10 years to get back with me but I was always hesitant because of the past. In late 2005, he was killed and after his passing I read some old letters he wrote me when we were 19 and up until his death he was still trying to make everything he said a reality.

I feel sad from time to time because now as a grown woman reading his letters, analyzing what happened, and thinking about his attempts through the years I know that he truly loved me but we were kids becoming adults. People make mistakes and grow up. I know that at the time of his death he was a mature man and he would've been a great husband but it's possible that I was still too immature myself to see pass the past in order to move forward with him.

That's another way to look at things. But in your situation (sad that that happened that way) it's easier and more common to look in hindsight when that's all you have left and see things fonder than they were or could have been after a death. It's one of those "you'll never know" things and it's common for grief to make one sensationalize the unknown.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

It's so sad that so many of them are functioning along the same pattern, but I don't thenk they know it.

YES they are and NO they don't! I was talking with a co-worker the other day who divorced her husband after she found out he cheated when he went on vacation with his buddies. He thought he'd just kick it with the young girl from the DR eventually move her the states and what not. Well my co-worker just continued to build herself up taking care of her and her kids, she hasn't been in a relationship but she's cool being single and taking care of her own. A little after their divorce he went to check up on his little jumpoff in the DR and she was pregnant by another dude, he was burned by another chick after that and now he's sniffing back around my co-worker, begging and pleading trying to make things right.

Same thing with me and my ex. We weren't married but I had to build back my life without him and I did so with flying colors and I'm soooooo happy and content with him out of my life, just going on and doing me and doing what I want to do. It feels so great. Now...surprise sur-freakin-prise, after months and months he's just contacting to 'see how I'm doin'

Just as they see their exes fine without them, not thinking about them that's when they get all re-interested. I swear with men you can never fully surrender, I take that back, some men. And with a man that it needs to be like that with, I don't want him. I'd rather keep him wanting me without having me while I share myself someone I can just be me with and surrender to loving security.

 

[FlowerHair]

YES they are and NO they don't! I was talking with a co-worker the other day who divorced her husband after she found out he cheated when he went on vacation with his buddies. He thought he'd just kick it with the young girl from the DR eventually move her the states and what not. Well my co-worker just continued to build herself up taking care of her and her kids, she hasn't been in a relationship but she's cool being single and taking care of her own. A little after their divorce he went to check up on his little jumpoff in the DR and she was pregnant by another dude, he was burned by another chick after that and now he's sniffing back around my co-worker, begging and pleading trying to make things right.

Same thing with me and my ex. We weren't married but I had to build back my life without him and I did so with flying colors and I'm soooooo happy and content with him out of my life, just going on and doing me and doing what I want to do. It feels so great. Now...surprise sur-freakin-prise, after months and months he's just contacting to 'see how I'm doin'

Just as they see their exes fine without them, not thinking about them that's when they get all re-interested. I swear with men you can never fully surrender, I take that back, some men. And with a man that it needs to be like that with, I don't want him. I'd rather keep him wanting me without having me while I share myself someone I can just be me with and surrender to loving security.

I can't help but chuckle at the bolded. What goes around comes around.

And yes, I think men - after seeing that their ex is doing fine and is happy, thriving and living life to the fullest will wonder "how come she's doing so fine without me in her life? How come my life isn't so grand anymore?"

Many men overestimate the dating scene.

 

[treybaby2005]

I can't help but chuckle at the bolded. What goes around comes around.

And yes, I think men - after seeing that their ex is doing fine and is happy, thriving and living life to the fullest will wonder "how come she's doing so fine without me in her life? How come my life isn't so grand anymore?"

Many men overestimate the dating scene.[/quote]


AMEN!!!!!!!!

 

[Finesse]

I think that they respect and marry those that demand it. My cousin is going thru this right now....she lived with him for 14 years. They have kids 14, 11, and 7. He has thru their whole relationship messed around with this other chick :-(. The other chick has a baby by him and she tells him( heard this from one of her friends) she is ready to get married. Me, personally I would not want his ***...but anywho, they are gettin married next month! My cousin is devastated.....I feel bad because he hurt her, but she allowed him to!

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I think that they respect and marry those that demand it. My cousin is going thru this right now....she lived with him for 14 years. They have kids 14, 11, and 7. He has thru their whole relationship messed around with this other chick :-(. The other chick has a baby by him and she tells him( heard this from one of her friends) she is ready to get married. Me, personally I would not want his ***...but anywho, they are gettin married next month! My cousin is devastated.....I feel bad because he hurt her, but she allowed him to!

I've seen the very opposite happen with women who vocally pressed the marriage issue all the time while IN the relationship with them. I believe this statement is more generally true in the sense that the woman demands it through her actions or lack thereof, showing him she'll for nothing less and he won't get a bit of her without marriage and she's gotta show that she's fine waiting for the man that will be that. They are so competitive by nature, they really have to see the prize and some times it takes someone else to be in the game for them to want to play. But right there, that just means he's a dummy, I like a man that know what he wants and goes for what he wants.

 

[scorpian]

I recently let go of someone that would not commit...after 12 years. How stupid am I? I am mad at me for wasting my child bearing years on him.

I am sure that he is close to getting married to someone else. I am not jealous or hurt because I know what she is getting....a minute man with bad credit.

I don't think that you were being stupid...I'm happy that you're not jealous or hurt...
It's his loss not yours. I'm glad that you let the minute man with the bad credit go

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

The guys I know have confirmed this to be true. A while a go a friend of mine broke up with his gf that he really cared about, he just didn't see it going any where and she was ready. He said he wasn't when he is ready he will be married. We talked about this factor and he confirmed it. Guys get ready, females think they are ready.

 

[Monilove122]

I think that it's really about the right person + the right time. Usually when men are hunting down a wife because they are ready, it's never for the right reasons. Yeah, they'll pick a winner but it won't work out because of the reasons many of you said. I've really learned to appreciate that sometimes that person "isn't the one". Doesn't mean anything is wrong with them but that their not the right one for you.

There was a guy who wanted to date me for years (his 1st cousin is married to my 2nd cousin) and everyone would push us together. Well, I finally dated him and found out he was a very good man, respectful, came from a good family, very good looking, God-fearing AND church going, great job, etc. just all of the things I wanted but...he didn't do it for me. No sparks, nothing!!! I ended it and so many people were mad with me but I explained when someone isn't the one they just aren't. Can't be explained it just is what it is.

That's why when I hear about women who've dated men for years then the guy leaves them and marries someone else within 6 months I don't automatically think he is a bad guy or that anything was wrong with the woman he was dating. It's just that the right person + right timing didn't add up.

Sometimes it can also be our fault for compromising what we want waiting on him. If you know you want to be married and he isn't sure what he wants, STEP!!! Don't try to change his mind or put what you want to the backburner cause that's time wasted you could have been with the REAL person meant for you. Make it plain is one of my mantras cause you've got but one life to live so make sure it means something in the end.

 

[localhost]

I can't help but chuckle at the bolded. What goes around comes around.

And yes, I think men - after seeing that their ex is doing fine and is happy, thriving and living life to the fullest will wonder "how come she's doing so fine without me in her life? How come my life isn't so grand anymore?"

Many men overestimate the dating scene.

Okay!!! I think you've hit the nail on the head. Also, from my experience, some men just marry the rebound chick because "he's confused" and really doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he was on track to be married, so marrying somebody, ANYBODY will do the trick. The aftermath is headache and heartache because he's now with something he really does not love, but he figured the grass had to be greener, when it really wasn't.

IMO, the average man doesn't know what he wants out of life and cannot detail it without feeling flustered and annoyed at the very question. Try it: go ask one of your single guy friends or single coworkers what exactly they want out of a relationship and what they're trying to do to meet those goals and see what they say. I've had plenty of runaway conversations with these dudes who complain about their relationships but when I ask the above question, they tell me they haven't thought about it or they'll know when they experience it. What kind of mess is that??

And to the comments that men really want someone who are going to be on top of things and hold them responsible for goals, well....that's not always the case although it is sometimes the case. I think that some men run from independent and responsible women and end up seeking someone they can control and nanipulate in order to "wear the pants" in the new relationship because he was such a punk in his last relationship.

 

[syze6]

I dated this guy in college who dogged me. At the time he was 19 and just wasn't ready. We dated for about 4 years and as time went by, he was constantly after me. This was a relationship and two children later.He grew up strarted his own business and wanted a wife and family. He wanted me and the packages that came along.

He sent me this sweet email that made me cry. He apologized for hurting me and admitted that he was young and really didn't know about committment. He wished me all the love and success in the world with my relationship. He told me he loved me and always will and because of who I was, he was the man he is today.

He got married last year the same month I did, and I wished him all the love and success in the world.

 

[glamazon386]

While reading the thread about Usher having a baby on the way I noticed the comment from MzLady78 and others saying that "a man will settled down with whoever happens to be in his life when he decides he's ready."

This is so true!!! It's not really about the woman. Women before the wife could have been a good match. There may not have been anything wrong with them. It's just that he wasn't ready.

 

[thiccknlong]

my answer is to pray, let GOD lead you and be ready. Thats it.

now USHER ? thats a whoooole nother story. he trashed on record a sweet worthy partner like chili and got a married woman preggers who JUST got a divorce.

he's not worthy of comparison.

 

[blasianbeauty]

This is what I call the slot machine theory.

One woman will warm up the slot machine only to have another hit the jack pot.

Interesting, but unfortunately true.

 

[FlowerHair]

my answer is to pray, let GOD lead you and be ready. Thats it.

now USHER ? thats a whoooole nother story. he trashed on record a sweet worthy partner like chili and got a married woman preggers who JUST got a divorce.

he's not worthy of comparison.

Yes I wonder about that with Usher too. Chilli seems like the type of woman every woman wants as a friend, but apparently she's not successful in the man department.

My conclusion is that I think Tamika is tougher and knows what she wants, Chilli is too nice.

"Nice" girls rarely get what they want from men, look at me erplexed I'm learning this at a pretty late stage in life. *Going back to study WMLB.*

 

[PeopleTalkDaily]

THIS IS A GOOD THREAD..
I MUST GO TO BED AND COME BACK AND READ...

ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE SO TRUE

 

[Kiadodie]

A favorite quote of mine is:

"A woman meets a man, then decides she wants to marry him.......A man decides he wants to get married, then goes to find a woman"


So, I think it's true to an extent.

YES, this is true for MOST men. I've seen time and time again. THey don't marry based on emotional ties but when they are ready.

 

[caribeandiva]

A favorite quote of mine is:

"A woman meets a man, then decides she wants to marry him.......A man decides he wants to get married, then goes to find a woman"


So, I think it's true to an extent.

I didn't think it was true... until it happened to me. I'm going through this right now. I've liked him for years but nothing happened between us. a few months ago he tracked me down and all of a sudden he wants us to start dating. I'm making sure to take things really slow.