Four years and not ready to get engaged?

[Gemini350z]

Hi all-

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is 22 (23 in April) and I am 25 (26 in May). We have a really good relationship, we know that we love each other and want to spend our lives together. I am ready now, but he has his reservations when it comes to taking that next step. He just graduated in December and feels that it is important for him to have a career first, plus the fact that he is "too young". I understand that, truly I do, but I feel as though it is unnecessary. I understand that in order to get married we should be financially stable, but in the year or two that it takes for us to get to that level why cant we be engaged? Is that out of the ordinary? And in regards to him being too young is that a cop out or the truth? Yes- he might be too young, but I feel like I am ready! The age difference was not a big deal when we met, so why would him being "too young" be a problem now.

It has come to the point in our relationship where everyone is asking "when are you guys getting married?" Even his mom is asking, saving jewelry magazines, or even saying "I have my first ring upstairs, so whenever your ready." lol

Now I am dealing with a Taurus and he is very analytical, traditional type of guy, it was the way that he was raised. He always over thinks, while I am the type that goes with my emotions or my feelings. I guess opposites attract, eh? So I understand that he has this old school mentality in his head that he needs to be financially ready to be the "provider" but this is the 21st century. To me it should be a partnership. We both should provide for each other. Am I wrong?

I am not looking for us to get engaged and married in a year. I just feel like the next step would be to get engaged for 2-3 years, and get married when we are financially ready.

What would you ladies do in my position?

 

[Bene]

If you want to get down to technicalities, you two have already know that you want to spend the rest of your lives together and are in agreement that it's going to happen some time in the future.


Congratulations you are already engaged. What more do you want?

 

[kismettt]

a. society roles/rules are very hard to shake. if you are raised to believe you have to be financially stable, its going to be hard to turn away. & thinking you get married at a certain age, that will also be something he may be struggling to shake.

b. he's almost 23. the age difference may not have meant anything initially but when you are 19 & dating someone new, do you really think "this is the last person i'll ever date?" i feel like its not a concern

i really don't think this is huge deal/deal breaker (although im sure some will disagree). at least talking about your future would be a good first step (if not now, then when? what does our future look like? do you want to date other people since you feel you are too young? etc so you can know where his head is at). i think making it very clear how important it is to you to feel like you are moving forward is important. have you discussed what you have told us w/ him?

 

[FlowerHair]

A young man at 23 is usually not ready to marry (at least not where I'm from) and it can be a big difference from a woman at 26.

You are (age-wise) ready to be married and have children already, while that might take another 8-10 years for your boyfriend. That's just the way of the world.

If he says he is too young to get engaged, I would believe him...

 

[Shoediva]

If you both know you want to spend the rest of your lives together. I would focus on building your future. If he is telling you he is not ready to get married.. BELIEVE HIM! It takes more than the love of your life to make a marriage work.

You want to go into your marriage with both feet planted. You dont want him to rush into marrying you for the sake of pleasing you. When the first marital challenge appears, he throws up, "I told you I wasnt ready to be married"

He is 23 and your 25, most women are a lot more mature than men from the jump. 4 years is not that long, when you factor when yall starting dating he was 19 & you were 21. Engaged for 2-3 years would be procrastination in my book thats like giving someone the ring for the sake of them to stop talking about taking the next step. Regardless if his mom is throwing hints, HE is telling you he is not ready.

In the end, you will be marrying HIM and not his momma. He has let you know that YOU are the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I would wait! As long as you both continue to stay committed to your relationship and work together on building a future together. It will happen when the time is right for both of you.

 

[Lenee925]

Like FlowerHair said your man said he's too young so believe him. I would take it a step further and say that at 23 y/o he probably still wants to smash more strange.

 

[loved]

One of my BFFs was in a similar position, except for the age difference. They were together in college and it was always - when he is more stable. Then they went to professional school - then his residency & it was never time, even though he had a ring on her finger for years. Long story short - after all that time together he ended up marrying some1 he had known for a short amount of time & she put a time limit on how long she would be with a man without them being ready for the next step (2 yrs) & married her current husband.

You know your man better than we do. Setting aside the outside pressure, do you truly believe that he will be ready to marry in a timeframe that is acceptable to your wants and desires or will you end up frustrating each other because you're at different stages in your lives?

 

[MissJ]

A young man at 23 is usually not ready to marry (at least not where I'm from) and it can be a big difference from a woman at 26.

You are (age-wise) ready to be married and have children already, while that might take another 8-10 years for your boyfriend. That's just the way of the world.

If he says he is too young to get engaged, I would believe him...

Definitely. The boy is too young.

 

[MissJ]

Like FlowerHair said your man said he's too young so believe him. I would take it a step further and say that at 23 y/o he probably still wants to smash more strange.

Yep.

Exactly what my ex did, and he was 22-23 when he did it.

 

[TayMac]

Getting engaged for the sake of being engaged is pointless. If he was ready to get married, I have no doubt he would initiate it himself. Believe him when he says he is not ready. He is just barely into adulthood so I'm not surprised he is hesitant.

I feel your position because I am ready to get married and the same age as you...but I wasn't ready at 22/23

 

[Bunny77]

Getting engaged for the sake of being engaged is pointless. If he was ready to get married, I have no doubt he would initiate it himself. Believe him when he says he is not ready. He is just barely into adulthood so I'm not surprised he is hesitant.

I feel your position because I am ready to get married and the same age as you...but I wasn't ready at 22/23

Yeah, OP, if you were going to get engaged and then get married within the next year (or at least have a date set), then fine. But I don't see the point of an engagement just to wait for an unspecified amount of time before getting married. To me, the title of "fiancee" means nothing if I don't have a date (which is why LaLa Vasquez is nothing more than Carmelo's GIRLFRIEND, no matter how much they want to say they're fiances). You're still, in theory, a girlfriend.

Sorry, off topic there.

I agree with Loved. What do you want? Do you truly think your man will be ready for marriage in a time period you're willing to wait? Do you want to wait?

Personally, I don't think 23 (which would probably be more like 25 when you all might marry) is too young if you're already in an established relationship with someone. People didn't wait until they got established and they were barely financially established in the past when they were ready to marry... getting established was all part of the process. The true "old school" mentality about marriage was that a man and woman married young and built their lives TOGETHER, not waited until some magical moment of being "financially stable" before tying the knot.

It's new school thinking to feel one has to be financially stable before getting married. Not saying that's a bad thing (I think there are pros and cons to both sides), but since you mentioned it being the 21st century, I had to say that actually, his thinking is more 21st century and yours is a lot more old school in that respect.

Plus, as Liyah said (I think it was Liyah), we say folks are too young to marry, but those same folks live together, sex each other, have kids, etc... basically, married people stuff. Yet, folks are too young to marry? Okay...

Anyway though, if he's not ready though, he's not ready. It's up to you to decide what you want to do with that information and go from there.

 

[awhyley]

This sounds very Kim and Reggie-like. If he doesn't want it to happen, it's not gonna happen.
Take your time and respect his wishes.

 

[mrselle]

In this case I think there are several factors at play. While the two of you have been together for four years, you started dating when he was very young. If he will be 23 next month, that means that the two of you started dating when he was only 19 years old….is that correct? He may love you and he may want to spend the rest of his life with you, but it takes more than feelings to have a successful marriage. You have to be ready. Not just mentally ready, but financially ready and your heart needs to be in it. Another thing you want to consider is that men define themselves by their career. Most men like to take the time to put their all into their career. That might be hard for him to do if he also has to focus on being a husband. I think that every single reason he gave you for not wanting to get engaged or married right now is valid and you have to make the decision for yourself as to whether or not you want to stay or go. Also, I wouldn’t worry about people asking you when the two of you are going to get married, nor would I worry about his mom saving her ring and jewelry magazines. People tend to ask those questions when a couple has been together for a while. They do it to drum up conversation not because they any big insight into your relationship. Every single person on the planet could be pulling for the two of you to get married, but if he isn’t ready, then he isn’t ready and the last thing you want is to be married to a man who wasn’t ready for marriage.

 

[HoneyA]

Whatever you do, do not apply pressure. Back away if you have to but do not apply pressure.

 

[ThickHair]

Hi all-

I am ready now, but he has his reservations when it comes to taking that next step....I understand that, truly I do, but I feel as though it is unnecessary....I understand that in order to get married we should be financially stable, but in the year or two that it takes for us to get to that level why cant we be engaged?....but I feel like I am ready!

Now I am dealing with a Taurus....I am the type that goes with my emotions or my feelings...I guess opposites attract, eh?....So I understand that he has this old school mentality in his head that he needs to be financially ready to be the "provider" but this is the 21st century.

I am not looking for us to get engaged and married in a year.....I just feel like the next step would be to get engaged for 2-3 years, and get married when we are financially ready.

That is a whole lotta "I's". He told you he isn't ready, so YOU do have to make a decision are you going to wait or are you gonna leave. Your answer should really be independent. You can't be mad at him at this point, he told you his answer.

 

[GoingNatural]

Why not just date for 2-3 years? Get engaged and then get married 6-1yr later?

If I was a 22y/o boy I'd be freaked out

 

[Dposh167]

i agree with everyone else in this thread. Take their advice OP, and dont rush just b.c. you are in a position to get engaged. If he's not, you're going to have to deal with it and wait if HE is the one u want. I think women in general get caught up too much in the amount of time they've been together with the person. He has his education and wants money in the bank b4 he walks down that isle. Dont let your need for a ring run someone away who is trying to do the right thing for both of u

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

ummm...let's see here. he is 22 and ur 25 currently. been togetha for 4 years which means *pulls calculator out of bossom* you were 21 and he was 18. awww ain't dat cute.

basically, he wants to experience "life" to put it mildy and you should be doing da same. you've only been with him and ur use to him, which is why u wanna get married. but listen to what ur saying. "I feel that I am ready". An ounce a doubt, and to me, ur not ready. time invested in a relationship does not mean ur ready. all it means is you have tenure with this man. das it n das all. doesn't mean the two of u are ready to get married because yall been togetha for 4 years. and yes, while the age difference wasn't a big deal when yall met, it is a huge issue for him now because ur talkin serious stuff. marriage.

And besides, why are u initiating all this marriage stuff. that's stuff the guy is suppose to do, not you. you, momma n dem plannin da weddin talkin bout first rings and he's planning other things. you are already on two different paths.

him being a taurus and bein analytical doesn't have anything to do with what he is tellin you. a man is a man is a man and if he says it, then he means it. believe that. they ain't dat hard to figure out.

what would I do if I were you?

take heed. you're young. dayum if i would wanna be tied down dis early in da game. get out, travel, get to know yourself first. marriage ain't all about phuckin n havin babies n all dat otha stuff....it's more to it than that. it's hard work and based on what u wrote, i can tell u ain't ready. u think u are but ur not. u said that he just graduated in December. ok. dats fine, but what are u doin? are u progressin in life? do u have all ur paperwork in order? have u travelled, etc. what u need to do is step off da marriage boat for a minute, and go check urself and figure out what you wanna do in life before u start plannin weddings n havin babies. get to know urself first. trust me...you'll appreciate this advice in da long run. but don't do no dumb shyt n get pregnant thinkin he gonna marry u then...cuz then he'll leave ur azzzz alone and start to resent da day he met u, then u'll be on dis board tryna figa out wtf done happened.

in short hon, get a life. you need experience. go out and explore and date others. he won't be ur first, and damn sho won't be da last. wait for him to bring it up when he's ready..not YOU.

 

[Poohbear]

I agree with everyone else. Don't rush into getting engaged just for the sake of having the status of "engaged." At least he's not trying to break up with you or anything. At least y'all are still together. Don't push him away. Respect his views. And don't worry about other people's expectations. Like his mom for instance, you are not dating his mom. And don't worry about people who say "You should get married within 1-2 years of being with someone." That's not true for all couples. It takes time for some while it may take no time at all with some. It's all about both parties being ready. You should rather want him to be ready instead of not being ready and just jumping on the engagement/marriage bandwagon just for the sake of others. Just keep being supportive and loving to him and back off on this engagement/marriage tip. If it's true love and if you two are ones meant to be with each other, let him come to you when he is ready whether it's a year from now or 4 more years from now.

 

[spelmanlocks]

He is 23, he's young, but he's NOT too young to get married in my opinion, but none of that matters if he is not ready. At the same time, your feelings matter also and four years is a good amount of time. You have to weigh your personal feelings on this matter and if you can handle not being married on your timeline. I would say be careful, I have a family member that has been promising his girlfriend a ring for the past six years and he still hasn't proposed. Its important that both people be on the same page for a happy and successful relationship in my opinion. I would give him some time, but it wouldn't be years.

 

[jaiku]

To be honest. I'd be against my 23 year son/daughter getting engaged or married. If its right it'll still be right 5 years from now. I'm personally not a fan of early marriage. I feel like its better to get your career established first.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I agree w/what all the ladies are here saying.

If HE doesn't feel ready, then all the talk in the world is not going to change that. Plus, you don't want to be w/a man whom you had to convince to marry you. You want the man to be so "ready" and so in love w/you that it's bursting to come out!!

Since he's young, you know what I would do??

If I were you, I would back off of the "engagement" talk, continue to be happy with him (don't act stank in other words ), and just tell him calmly and simply that maybe you two should take a break and perhaps come back together when you both have had some more life experiences, or when you two feel more ready to date with view of getting married in mind. Include yourself in this as well. Don't put it all on him.

You both are quite young, and he's VERY young IMO. The fact that you two started dating when you two were so young is also a factor. You two need to get your "living" out of the way first. Establish a career more, travel, do things, go places, meet other people, etc.

Trust me, if it is meant to be with him, then it WILL be! No amount of years will change that. Now, you can go ahead and stay w/him and wait for him to be "ready" if you want, but I think that since he knows that you want to be engaged and he's not ready, he would just continue to feel more and more pressure. But if you let him go with a kind and loving spirit, I think he will come back to you if he really loves you. He'll learn soon enough that he doesn't want to live without you, and perhaps he might be able to make those goals he has in mind quicker

 

[itismehmmkay]

I think he's too young
And that you should move around if you're ready for marriage.

 

[Hair2Here]

Ladies should never press a man into a marriage proposal. I believe it's better when he is not prompted to do it. Then you will not have to wonder whether or not the proposal was done due to pressure or real feelings. Your mate is very young and I would not advise ganging up on him or he may just slip away. If he really wanted to do it, he would have done it by now. Mom and you should leave him be until he makes his own mind up. Besides, he has his priorities in order and there's nothing wrong with a man wanting to have a good job/career before he puts himself in a position to take on more responsibility such as a family.

 

[kayte]

He just graduated in December and feels that it is important for him to have a career first, plus the fact that he is "too young".
I understand that, truly I do,

No you don't

but I feel as though it is unnecessary.

That's cas it's not your career.....you would not say that if it were

I understand that in order to get married we should be financially stable, but in the year or two that it takes for us to get to that level why cant we be engaged? Is that out of the ordinary?

no ...a lot of couples agree to do that ..it is seen as joyful preparation~
but are you a couple in that sense?

And in regards to him being too young is that a cop out or the truth?

He's 22!!! Unless someone lied on their birth certificate
..OP you already know the answer

reframing
are you refusing the truth as a cop-out?...

Yes- he might be too young,

again you are acknowledging the obvious

but I feel like I am ready! The age difference was not a big deal when we met, so why would him being "too young" be a problem now.

and again...ignoring the obvious

It has come to the point in our relationship where everyone is asking "when are you guys getting married?" Even his mom is asking, saving jewelry magazines, or even saying "I have my first ring upstairs, so whenever your ready." lol

shrug

Now I am dealing with a Taurus and he is very analytical, traditional type of guy, it was the way that he was raised. He always over thinks, while I am the type that goes with my emotions or my feelings. I guess opposites attract, eh?

So I understand that he has this old school mentality in his head that he needs to be financially ready to be the "provider" but this is the 21st century. To me it should be a partnership. We both should provide for each other. Am I wrong?
I am not looking for us to get engaged and married in a year. I just feel like the next step would be to get engaged for 2-3 years,
and get married when we are financially ready

if someone handed him a million dollars tommorow he would still
would not marry....it's not the $$$$
it's being emotionally ready

What would you ladies do in my position?

OP are you in love with him? Is he with you?

your post is a little scary and a little sad as you seem only focused on you and the goal of marriage and....his resistance.......
rather than the love relationship itself or even validating him or his feelings ..or ....the career...that's great that he wants one ...where is the support? you present a decent respectful guy who you are not respecting... you dismiss his feelings and his reality and instead present a case for marriage....

his backing away may have to do with his youth but your pressuring.....probably is in the mix

none of this sounds like love

you cannot argue your way out of a break up or
it sounds like what you had is about to change with his going out in the world
and you are trying to do this adlock2:
you mentioned being emotionally driven
your arguments sound fear based..not love-based

let go and date other people....

 

[Nonie]

OP, I wish there was a way I could get through to you and tell you just how much you will grow in the next few years and how differently you will view things. I got married at 35 and if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it exactly the same. Even my mom who got married at 28 told me how proud she was that I didn't rush into it and was so much wiser by the time it happened. Granted, there were times I wished I could be married when I was in my twenties. But looking back I so was not ready.

As much as people might not like Steve Harvey, OP I would ask you to please read his book. I haven't read all of it, but just the beginning made so much sense to me. I think it will help you see things from your guy's point of view.

 

[Lenee925]

You know what I sincerely wish I could do for you right now OP? Give you the mind of a 23 year old male. This thread wouldn't exist. You'd break up with your SO and move the hell on with the quickness. You'd be out working out, saving money, getting your nails done every week, meeting hot new guys and thinking about nobody but your damn SELF.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

23 is not too young to get engaged or married, imo. it just depends on the person. if you are truly ready and he isn't, then you need to decide how long you are willing to wait.

i personally would not want to wait 4 or 5 more years for him to get himself together. there is no magic amount of $$ you need to have in the bank before you get married. i can see that line of thinking when discussing bringing children into a relationship, but it doesn't take a lot of money to get married. your financial situation is something that you can work on together.

bottom line is he isn't ready and you have no idea when he'll be ready, so now it's on you. either you will stick it out for however long and hope he comes around, or you will move on and find a man who is marriage minded and ready to take that step.

 

[Taleah2009]

Getting engaged for the sake of being engaged is pointless. If he was ready to get married, I have no doubt he would initiate it himself. Believe him when he says he is not ready. He is just barely into adulthood so I'm not surprised he is hesitant.

I feel your position because I am ready to get married and the same age as you...but I wasn't ready at 22/23

I totally agree. My pastor always says an engagement is not official until you have a ring and a date. A prolonged engagement just seems like a shut up ring. Steve Harvey says that is like putting a woman on layaway and I totally agree.

 

[Taleah2009]

You know what I sincerely wish I could do for you right now OP? Give you the mind of a 23 year old male. This thread wouldn't exist. You'd break up with your SO and move the hell on with the quickness. You'd be out working out, saving money, getting your nails done every week, meeting hot new guys and thinking about nobody but your damn SELF.

Wow... great advice! I love this for myself!