For Discussion: He Doesn't Want Children...

[PrettyBrownEyes]

I'd like to hear opinions on this: Say a couple had discussed having children and the man stated that he didn't want any. The woman was okay with this and continued the relationship. After some time it's discovered that she is pregnant due to failed birth control. He urges her to get an abortion, she doesn't feel comfortable with that but, wants to go ahead and keep the baby against his objection and the demise of the relationship. Is she wrong for this? Can their be a happy medium?

Love to hear opinions, please post!



confirm to failedbirg

 

[PrettyBrownEyes]

Ignore the letters at the bottom, using my phone...

 

[Michelle1971]

First, if he doesn't want kids then he should get a vasectomy that way they decrease the likelihood that their birth control will fail.
She most likely hoped he'd change his mind about kids after dating for awhile, which is why she kept going with the relationship instead of being truly honest with herself. IDK about keeping the baby though. She should be fully prepared for the relationship to end and for the "father" to be absent.

 

[ThickHair]

Me, thinks she kind of made her own BC fail.

 

[MzLady78]

Hmm, I'm not convinced that the woman was ever "ok" with not having children. I know that I would NEVER give up my desire to have children to be some man who doesn't want them, I'd keep it moving and find one who does. Like Michelle said, I think she probably hoped he'd change his mind or quite possibly, did it on purpose like ThickHair stated.

If she wants to keep it, she should. She just needs to be prepared to go it alone.

 

[FlowerHair]

Any man (and woman) knows that there is always a chance that birth control fails. Therefore they should have been using both condoms, pills and vasectomy to be on the safe side...

Once the baby is created, it's up to the woman to make the final decision about what should happen to her body. Her husband doesn't get a say when it comes to that, unfortunately for him. Therefore he should have made double sure that it didn't happen.

I know that most women can protect themselves from pregnancy if they really want to. The responsibility lies on the person who doesn't want a baby. You never really know what goes on in another person's mind...even if you live under the same roof!

 

[PrettyBrownEyes]

Thanks for the responses. This of course, is a real situation, the woman already had one older child and the man had three older children. They were using the withdrawal method that worked for years until...

 

[LadyPBC]

Perhaps if they both agreed that they did not want children she should have gotten a tubiligation (sp?) and he should have gotten a vasectomy. Use of the withdrawal method, in my mind, does not indicate that you do not want kids (just sayin') it means perhaps that you don't value that life that you could create if your easy answer is abortion. If they still conceived, after being responsible enough to take those precautions, then they'd have to accept the child for just what it is ... A GIFT... and keep, love and raise the baby. Hope I didn't come off as judgemental because I don't mean to be.

 

[deltadreamland]

I always say that a man that is not in control of his own birth control (vasectomy, condoms) is NOT in control of his life. This happens all the time, especially with my white friends. They slip up and get pregnant all. the. time. Against their husbands/ so's wishes, but they tell their husband that their birth control failed.

I say if the birth control TRULY failed, then I'd have to put my unborn child's life ahead of my relationship with the mate. I had a situation somewhat similar to this that happened to me as well, but he was happy with the pregnancy (not due to failed bc). He later lost his job and conveniently decided that he was no longer happy with the pregnancy and tried to force me to get an abortion. He didn't want to pay for the abortion and neither did he want to take me to get it; he just wanted me to "get it done". I refused because that was my walk with God, not his.

 

[prettyinpurple]

Thanks for the responses. This of course, is a real situation, the woman already had one older child and the man had three older children. They were using the withdrawal method that worked for years until...

Now see that shows he wasn't acting seriously about not having children. If you are serious, you take actions to permanently prevent it.

Not to get too off-topic: It always bothers me when I read that a man says he's done having children, but he depends on the women to ensure it doesn't happen. Or in this case, he's just stupid TBH. When women are done having children, it shows in their actions.

 

[FlowerHair]

Now see that shows he wasn't acting seriously about not having children. If you are serious, you take actions to permanently prevent it.

Not to get too off-topic: It always bothers me when I read that a man says he's done having children, but he depends on the women to ensure it doesn't happen. Or in this case, he's just stupid TBH. When women are done having children, it shows in their actions.

ITA.

Withdrawal method???!! What kind of foolishness is that?
Didn't he go to school at all?

 

[Kneechay]

I think if the man is the one who doesn't want babies AT ALL, he needs to get a vasectomy. I don't think the woman should have to go through a medical procedure at all just in case she changes her mind in another relationship.

 

[ThickHair]

ITA.

Withdrawal method???!! What kind of foolishness is that?
Didn't he go to school at all?

They sound very immature. I am sorry the withdrawal method isn't even an option if I do not want to have a child.

IMHO they both were down for having kids, because the failure rate for withdrawal is very high. I didn't know that people still did that if they were serious about not having kids.

 

[awhyley]

If that baby is his (which it probably is), he might as well stay and stick it out, cause he's on the hook for child support anyways.

 

[pisceschica]

I'd like to hear opinions on this: Say a couple had discussed having children and the man stated that he didn't want any. The woman was okay with this and continued the relationship. After some time it's discovered that she is pregnant due to failed birth control. He urges her to get an abortion, she doesn't feel comfortable with that but, wants to go ahead and keep the baby against his objection and the demise of the relationship. Is she wrong for this? Can their be a happy medium?

Love to hear opinions, please post!



confirm to failedbirg

There is no happy medium in that situation. They are talking about carrying out or aborting a pregnancy. Its not like "oh you can get your designer purse if you let me get my 52" plasma." There is nothing to compromise on.

If she chooses to keep the baby then she has to be prepared to be a single mother with the help of child support. I think when people ESPECIALLY men are strong about their feelings against having children they usually don't budge.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

My friend had a child by a guy who specifically said he did not want no kids. She ended up pregnant because she said, "they both engaged in risky behavior." To make a long story short, she ended up having the baby and this man hasn't worked since. He doesn't spend time with the child and refuses to work so her or the child can benefit. His license is suspended and he has done brief time in the county jail. I'm so glad my granny taught me to not mistake sex for love. Now the child is 7 and is starting to ask why this and why that. If this man is not my husband, I'm not gonna try and get pregnant and he should not be going in someone raw. This is just bad all the way around.

 

[hopeful]

So, the lady had sex with a man who was not her husband for years and depended solely on the withdrawal method? I would not have sex for years with someone who was not my husband. I would not use the withdrawal method with anyone but my husband.

 

[daydreem2876]

She allowed that to happen so I really don't understand what there is to discuss. She made her choice with full knowledge, now she must deal with the consequences (positive or negative) of HER choice.

 

[BrownieBrie]

Anybody who uses the withdrawl method is NOT serious about not having kids. 16 years olds who missed sexed use the withdrawl method, not adults who have made a conscious decision not to have children. I don't know if there is a happy medium for this situation. They will pribably just have to go their separate ways.

 

[TayMac]

If they depended on the withdrawal method for birth control they were not serious about prevention. I'm not surprised that a woman would feel a change of heart once pregnant.

 

[MD_Lady]

Thanks for the responses. This of course, is a real situation, the woman already had one older child and the man had three older children. They were using the withdrawal method that worked for years until...

If he was serious enough about not having children to ask her to have an abortion, he should have been serious enough to not even THINK to use the withdrawal method. erplexed This shouldn't have even been in his birth control vocabulary.

 

[MD_Lady]

Now see that shows he wasn't acting seriously about not having children. If you are serious, you take actions to permanently prevent it.

Not to get too off-topic: It always bothers me when I read that a man says he's done having children, but he depends on the women to ensure it doesn't happen. Or in this case, he's just stupid TBH. When women are done having children, it shows in their actions.

Those men are selfish, presumptuous, and irresponsible, but many women tolerate and enable it (i.e. "oh, I just went ahead and got my tubes tied because he was scared" or "he wasn't trying to let the doctor anywhere NEAR there so we're just going to take our chances") instead of holding him accountable.

 

[Amcd]

Thanks for the responses. This of course, is a real situation, the woman already had one older child and the man had three older children. They were using the withdrawal method that worked for years until...

Good thing they had this smilie because this is what I literally did when I read the bolded (only one hand though). They are BOTH really irresponsible, but if she keeps the baby she should get used to the idea he may very well leave her, and blame her also.

 

[TinyBlu]

"failed birth control"... the withdrawal method??? I'm sorry.... that is NOT birth control. In fact, that is the LEAST most effective method.

I agree with other posters. If he was that adamant about having more children (having three already), why didn't he have a vasectomy?

....and if the woman in the situation knew deep down that she wanted more children, why didn't she consider pursuing a relationship with someone with the same goals?

It's unfortunate that there is a fetus involved, but hey this is 2011. More children are raised in single parent households than back in the day, so if she wants to keep the child and has the resources to do so, why not? The child could still be very loved and happy in the absence of the father, and who's to say that she won't meet someone who will want her and her children... the whole package (Heidi Klum was pregnant with someone else's child when she hooked up with Seal)?

A key take-away is the reality check. "When people show you who they really are, believe them..." He was very clear about his desire not to have more children, and from the sounds of it pretty set in that considering he had three already.

I just hope the birth control didn't "fail" because she was hoping he would come around or stick around because of the child. Getting pregnant to keep a man hardly ever works and the child ends up suffering...

I'm just saying...

Best of luck to her in her situation ...

 

[*CherryPie*]

Child, or not, I wanna slap him just for being STUPID! Withdrawal method?!? AND he don't want children?!?

What garden was he picked from?

 

[Crystal]

Thanks for the responses. This of course, is a real situation, the woman already had one older child and the man had three older children. They were using the withdrawal method that worked for years until...

lol... You know what they call people who use the withdrawl method? Parents.

 

[PrettyBrownEyes]

Lol! Lots of good points you ladies posted.

 

[Dee Raven]

If they depended on the withdrawal method for birth control they were not serious about prevention. I'm not surprised that a woman would feel a change of heart once pregnant.

Really. The withdrawal "method" has like a fifty percent rate of working. That is not a method at all. That's luck of the draw. That is so not smart. I wouldn't make the mistake you're describing, OP; but if that were my situation, I would do whatever I wanted to do as far as the abortion goes. I would honestly be so disgusted with any man who even had the nerve to ask me to get an abortion. Thanks for not giving a rat's about my soul. What a jack***!