Financial Responsibilities: Men vs. Women!

[LoveLongLocks]

Personally, as I looked for a marriage potential - he had to demonstrate to me that he saw it as his responsibility to be the provider. Why? Because I believe in the traditional structure of the family. My potentials were young men that would cringe at me offering to pay, or felt that it was his role to take care of me (in this sense). My Husband was this way, and I know that this has allowed for us to have a functional trusting relationship.
I have family members that do the 50/50, and they are constantly bitter about money. It is not a pretty sight to see a couple talk about you "owe" me ect. to the tone of $20, and then keep tabs on every $1. Responsibilities in the marriage change/shift, kids, chores, social relationships, ect. it is impossible to equally split any of this - that is just how it is... I would think twice, but discuss this with him first.
I hope you the best OP

 

[Love Always]

LoveLongLocks, loved what you said and the key word is "provider". He should want to make sure his future wife is taken care of .

 

[Dellas]

My dad and his wife, been married almost 30 years:
Split Joint bills 50/50: Mortgages, light,electricity. Have a joint acct.
Individual bills are their own personal responsibility: Car notes, etc..
He has been taking her on Friday night dates since the 80s
She take care of the interior part of the house
He takes care of the exterior.
It has worked for them.

I don't know how they do groceries but I doubt they try to split split. I think this man is cheap and looking out for his interest at the expense of his wife. I remember someone doing me like that. He always had to come out on top financially, even if it was a dollar. If he spent 50 cents on me, he would remind me. But he did tell me upfront he was raised to be a taker and to be selfish. This same man is a so called Christian Republican who worship Reagan. My friends recognized he was a tool well before I did. Thank God someone was talking in my ear.

....back to your situation, 50/50 is okay in most cases but he seem petty. If you treated him that way, I am sure it would not be received well.

 

[Zaynab]

Splitting bills is a roomate thing. If you split before marriage and live together-most likely will split after. I have strong views on men being providers.

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[MamaBear2012]

I see both sides of it. I would have a problem if I felt that I was being nickeled and dimed, but with that being said, most of the financial advisors that I've listened to or read (Suze Orman, Dave Ramsey, etc.) all say not to pool your money and to split things 50/50 if you aren't married. You pay for your stuff and he pays for his.

Have you talked about how your money will be spent when you get married? I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way, but it just has to be something that works for both of you and something that you are both happy with.

 

[MD_Lady]

...We do not have any kids but we are engaged and live together. He insists on us splitting everything down the middle when it comes to costs/bills but somehow that never seems fair to me. If I ask him to pick me up something from the store e.g a prescription he requests my debit card but he wont mind picking up a bar or two for himself at the same time. I do not know if it because this goes against my upbringing where my father handles it all and when things get tough and/or there is a major expense my mom pitches in. However, I do not want to seem "entitled"...

IMO, the comments in bold/blue are what matters MOST. There is no one right way to handle finances and having preference (whether it stems from your upbringing or other factors in your relationship) or taking exception to your SO's opinion is not even CLOSE to being entitled. I also think that the manner in which finances are handled in your relationship is a reflection of a larger problem and you are TREMENDOUSLY lucky (even though it might not feel that way now) that you found this out before getting married.

 

[tibb1908]

I can't get to the household finances because I guess I'm still stuck on the fact that I need something and you can't pay for it. Unless you're talking about very expensive meds, I just don't get it. Regardless of who makes more in this instance he can't extend a courtesy to the love of his life, best friend etc. to buy something for her. I guess you have to ask yourself is this a deal breaker.

 

[Curly Lee]

But he did tell me upfront he was raised to be a taker and to be selfish. This same man is a so called Christian Republican who worship Reagan. My friends recognized he was a tool well before I did. Thank God someone was talking in my ear.

OT: But I would have ran at the bolded. I can support political differences but Reganomics is just a whollllle nother moral standard.

I see both sides of it. I would have a problem if I felt that I was being nickeled and dimed, but with that being said, most of the financial advisors that I've listened to or read (Suze Orman, Dave Ramsey, etc.) all say not to pool your money and to split things 50/50 if you aren't married. You pay for your stuff and he pays for his.

Have you talked about how your money will be spent when you get married? I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way, but it just has to be something that works for both of you and something that you are both happy with.

I think the operative word is financial advisors. Those people are skilled in providing financial advice not relationship advice. I think the consensus is that you should discuss finances before marriage and agree upon some standard that's comfortable for the both of you. OP isn't truly comfortable with splitting things and she shouldn't have to be.

I wish you the best OP, I know you have a tough decision to make. I think women feel guilty when they encounter potential deal breakers breakers because you see his many other wonderful traits. Don't feel guilty and do what's best for you (and in the long run him too) He's still a good man he just may not be the man for YOU.

 

[LoveHairGirl]

Ladies, I thank you guys very much for taking the time to help me out. Since I posted the question, I have set things in motion for us to come to a decision on how finances will be handled and see if this works out...if not, this qualifies as a deal breaker for me.



Thanks again!

 

[Ms_Delikate]

^^^^Good luck. I really hope it works out for you.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

Ugh. Part of me is like "can you just leave him?"
I mean, I just....first of all, take this with a grain of salt because I don't know him as a person except for what you've typed and you clearly don't know me from Adam, but ugh. What is the point of living with a man if you have to pay the bills like a roommate and he can't even get your prescription? And then, while he won't pay for something you need, he will get himself something off your money? Like "better she spends on me than vice versa." Ugh.

Unless he honestly didn't have it and that's a whoooooole 'nother matter because if yall are splitting the bills and he still doesn't have pocket money, then, clearly....I'm confused because the reason people split the bills is because they'll have more money to...I just can't. I'd be cranky as hell with him on a day to day basis.

And there's nothing wrong with feeling entitled, you just need to be with someone (I hate telling someone to leave their man so again I say take this with a grain of salt, and I'm sure you will) who wants his woman to be entitled. If you love someone, you won't take advantage of that, and if they trust you, they'll know that. So then he'll be generous, you'll be entitled. Bada bing, bada boom--we all we got! Ionno. That's all I have to say

ETA: Oh, I see it's been said. Well, then, yeah: I agree with them. Get gone, OP

 

[Miss_C]

OP, it seems you should have a talk. Money is serious. I have ex-bfs, platonic friends, etc that won't even let me pick up the check. Some of them are younger than me/make less money. They wouldn't ask for my card for anything, even to pick up something for me from the store. I believe that's just part of being a man. You aren't being a gold digger by wanting him to take care of you. Every man I've ever know expects to pay. It's the man toll lol.

 

[hopeful]

LoveHairGirl
Any updates? I hope things worked out for you guys.

 

[sky_blu]

Funny I found this thread. I was just talking to my coworker the other week (btw who's pregnant) and been with her boyfriend for about 8 years. They've purchased a house together, been together for awhile, and are now having a kid together BUT they split EVERYTHING right down the middle. Even when they go on "dates"..mmh yeah. Now Im independent, pro woman, but I just can't see myself with a man who's not willing to take care of me. It's like I don't need him to take care of me but its nice to know that he could or would if the possibility happened. I haven't ran across too many of these yet.

 

[LoveHairGirl]

Hello Ladies, I just peeped at this thread and realized it's still going! So as an update, I have decided to leave the relationship for this reason amongst others. Dating is one thing, but giving my hand in marriage to someone that I cannot trust is a pure self sell out. I can compromise on many things but I should not have to lose my morals to maintain a relationship.

Thanks to all you ladies and feel free to keep commenting on this thread as it is truly about financial responsibilities in a relationship

 

[Fine 4s]

I think my SO makes more than me but I HATE to see him paying for dinner, movie and sometimes groceries every time we go out. I'm learning to let go of that as my ex hated when I'd fork out money in the grocery store but...seems so unfair. But in this case I'm glad you made your decision OP!

 

[jeanghrey]

Well I need numbers since there's a difference between a couple where the woman makes $200,000 and the man makes $150,000 versus where the man makes $75,000 and the woman makes $300,000. But I can tell you that men are socialized to be the providers for their family, it's part of their manhood. So even if he's making $1, the fact that he insists on splitting everything down the middle is unsettling. Even my former male roommate would pick me up something if I asked him to, and we were just friends. OP, I think you need to have a serious talk about this because you two have vastly different views on money, which would be a deal breaker if I was in your shoes.

Agree with this wholeheartedly, if the two of you are talking about sharing lives together this is not the way to start it off. He's not demonstrating a head of household mindset and if I can be frank sounds more like he wants a roommate he can sleep with.