Financial Responsibilities: Men vs. Women!

L

LoveHairGirl

New Member
Hello Ladies, this question has been burning me for a while and since I subscribe to the forum I figured I should ask other women out there how they feel about this situation. Should a woman pay more bills since she brings in more income her man?

Just a little history here:

We do not have any kids but we are engaged and live together. He insists on us splitting everything down the middle when it comes to costs/bills but somehow that never seems fair to me. If I ask him to pick me up something from the store e.g a prescription he requests my debit card but he wont mind picking up a bar or two for himself at the same time. I do not know if it because this goes against my upbringing where my father handles it all and when things get tough and/or there is a major expense my mom pitches in. However, I do not want to seem "entitled".

I dont know ya'll this may be a deeper issue than the question I asked, just give me your raw thoughts please.

Thanks in advance
 
It would bother me too, but you know I gotta ask: did you have the money talk before you got engaged and moved in together? What did his parents do? Have you told him this bothers you? Do you intend on mixing money after marriage?

My main problem is I don't think I could handle a man who didn't take pride in " taking care of me". DH doesn't even like me to give the waiter the credit card, even though it's a joint account.

I know a married couple who was splitting bills 50/50 even though the wife was making 25k and the DH was making 60k+.... they even put 2 cards down to pay for dinner!!!!! I couldn't live like that.


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Why don't you feel that you should be entitled? (I know why but still) There is nothing wrong with feeling entitled to have certain things.

To me this is a values issue and is in deal breaker territory.
 
From reading your note, I would wonder why he ask for your debit card to pay for something? That seems very odd to me and is a behavior he may carry through to you guys marriage.

I've been married for almost 15 years now (got hitched young lol) and we do not split the bills. We pool our money together and pay the bills. Whatever is left we split (well I get most of it because I'm a woman lol). We never did the "this is your bill, this is my bill" since we had to depend on each other very early in our marriage.

You have to also consider, God forbid, what happens if one of you lose your job? It happens, my hubster lost jobs before. How will he/you react to the whole splitting the bill thing then? Perhaps, you both need to sit down and discuss financial responsibilities.
 
I think it would depend on how much more income you're talking about. If one person makes $25K and the other person makes $75K I would think that the person who makes $75K would contribute more money to the bills [based on a set percentage]. I don't think it's fair to ask the person who makes $25K to pitch in 50%. And this is regardless if it's the husband or the wife who's making more. Make more=contribute more. Please keep in mind that my POV comes from the way I was raised and what my parents did/do. My dad makes much more money than my mom so he pays the bulk of the bills.

This is why I will marry someone who makes as much as, or more than me :look: because I agree with you...I'm a woman and shouldn't have to pay for the majority of bills lol.

Oh, and you said it goes against your upbringing because your dad paid for everything basically. Did your dad make more money than your mom? If so, that's probably why lol. And based on your second sentence, I'm assuming you make more money than your guy?

And don't feel bad about feeling entitled! You're supposed to!!! :grin:
 
My SO and I have discussed it, and for right now, I'll be contributing 25% of my income. He pays for all dates except when I try to do something special. When we get married, we'll be pooling our money and paying bills from there. I definitely would not feel comfortable in your situation. Can't believe he won't even buy your prescription.
 
I think it depends on the couple how to divvy up the finances, but from what you've written, it seems you are not on the same page when it comes to this important issue. Many women don't want to be the primary breadwinner, so they don't marry men who don't make at least as much as they do. Also, most men need and want to be the primary breadwinner as a part of their manhood.

So I guess the deeper question is, aside from your agreement on the finances, are you *really* going to be okay with a man that makes less than you. You're not being a golddigger by admitting that it bothers you. Also, if your SO is not up to par on other issues, his lack of willingness to step up to the plate may be a red flag and a reason for you to rethink your decision to walk down the aisle with him.
 
I don't think "entitled" is the word. You're used to seeing things done in a traditional manner. I would feel somekindaway if I asked my fiance to pick something up for me and he asked for my debit card and then proceeded to get items for himself as well.

Suzie Orman would say you should split the bills proportional to your income but she's no expert on male-female relationships lol. The idea is, the person who makes less may resent having to pay a higher percentage of their income. Makes sense. :-/

Raw thoughts: It's a HUGE turn-off to me, personally ... and I was raised by a sinlge mom. My good friend made more money than a couple of the guys she dated and, on occasion, I'd see them pass her the bill/ wait for her to pay. Each time my gag reflexes would kick in. I just don't respect it.

Every couple has different circumstances, but I wonder how far he'd go with it.
 
@ JayAnn513 Sadly, we have not really discussed it prior to engagement and moving in together. I covered the electricity bill and internet bill for over a year while he covered groceries and a few months ago I requested a swap of the bills and he openly proclaimed that I make more money than him (approx $800 difference). I told him I am uncomfortable but nothing has changed. I am not sure what his parents does because they live in a different country.

sugarwater He does not do 50% of the housework and I run my own business on the side to and there is no contribution to that either.

Aveena I don't really know why I don't feel entitled, I guess I dont want to incorrectly come across as a gold-digger although asking for better should not label me as such.

thecurlycamshow I hear you, but my greatest fear is what happens when the kids come along...split the cost of diapers too ????I really have to work this out.

@ qchelle Basically I make about $750 more than him monthly. In the case of my parents, they are both within the same range with my dad taking in a bit more. I never thought that I would have to face this as an issue but now I understand why some women opt to marry someone with an equal to or greater income, although we are not really that far from being equally paid.

Ediese The arrangement you have is almost how my parents operate. The prescription this is really shameful but I have to be real about how bad it is.

caltron You hit the nail on the head....walking down the isle after realizing this! It almost seems as though he is not at all inspired to be the primary breadwinner.

@ ~VicTorIAn~ I hear you girl...The trouble is I am turned off and even to some extent disgusted by the behavior. I am almost to the point of jumping ship over this because I believe if I have to "convince" him to step up, then it is not worth it.

Thanks ladies, you guys have all been helpful and I just needed some support outside of the scope of close friends and family. Further comments are welcomed!
 
I would move out and get a roommate. :nono:

At least my roommate might pick up my scripts from the pharmacy on the way home without to much fuss and won't add additional things to the bill. :rolleyes:

OP you don't seem like a gold digger based on your post and I think you know you aren't one either. You should not let what other people feel about so called gold digging affect what you really want out of a relationship. You can get a roommate to share expenses but require a lot more from a mate.

It sounds like you are doing well with getting your own gold now you just need someone who is on the same page as you as far as working together in a relationship.
 
LoveHairGirl I don't think you can convince him to be the primary breadwinner if he's not already in that mindset. I think you can change secondary traits to someone but it's hard to change primary traits. Think hard on this one and I wish you the best in your decision.
 
Well I need numbers since there's a difference between a couple where the woman makes $200,000 and the man makes $150,000 versus where the man makes $75,000 and the woman makes $300,000. But I can tell you that men are socialized to be the providers for their family, it's part of their manhood. So even if he's making $1, the fact that he insists on splitting everything down the middle is unsettling. Even my former male roommate would pick me up something if I asked him to, and we were just friends.:ohwell: OP, I think you need to have a serious talk about this because you two have vastly different views on money, which would be a deal breaker if I was in your shoes.:nono:
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
Well I need numbers since there's a difference between a couple where the woman makes $200,000 and the man makes $150,000 versus where the man makes $75,000 and the woman makes $300,000. But I can tell you that men are socialized to be the providers for their family, it's part of their manhood. So even if he's making $1, the fact that he insists on splitting everything down the middle is unsettling. Even my former male roommate would pick me up something if I asked him to, and we were just friends.:ohwell: OP, I think you need to have a serious talk about this because you two have vastly different views on money, which would be a deal breaker if I was in your shoes.:nono:
Click to expand...

She said there is a $750 per month difference. So about 9k annually.


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I think that you need to think about what you want and discuss it with him. Some men have to learn how to "share" (you have to make him share). If he has other qualities that make him worth working on this issue, you need to start now. Don't wait until you get married to just start working on it. Hopefully he will get to the point where he understands what you want, stops being so selfish, and gets with the program. :look:
 
LoveHairGirl said:
He insists on us splitting everything down the middle when it comes to costs/bills but somehow that never seems fair to me. If I ask him to pick me up something from the store e.g a prescription he requests my debit card but he wont mind picking up a bar or two for himself at the same time. I do not know if it because this goes against my upbringing where my father handles it all and when things get tough and/or there is a major expense my mom pitches in. However, I do not want to seem "entitled".
Click to expand...

It doesn't seem fair to me either OP. These bills should be split proportionately. If he uses more water, electricity, etc. does he still expect the bill to be paid 50/50? The highlighted bothers me because it seems that he thinks that he's entitled to spend your money because he's running your errand. More importantly, does he know your pin number? I would get that changed immediately.

(eta: If you're going to continue from this point on, I would get a joint account, but you have to discuss money matters before you marry him.)
 
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Is he thinking you are netting $800 extra per month? He's probably thinking he's being generous splitting things down the middle vs. asking you to pay a little more since you make more. Also it's hard to understand what that $800 means too. If you make $5,800 and he makes $5,000 that's not that big of a deal but if you make $2,000 and he makes $1,200 that is a really big deal IMO. I like to feel taken care of but that often means marrying a very ambitious, generous man who makes more than you. If you want a guy who can take care of you, you may need someone who makes more money. I have said this before but it is very hard to teach a man to be ambitious and generous. A lot of stuff they can be taught but this is an area that is very difficult. The way I see it is he is not as ambitious as you nor is he super generous. If you don't want to be in a 50/50 relationship money wise I think you are headed for trouble. Asking for your debit card sounds petty to me but it seems to me he thinks 50/50 is the way to go -- very business-like and not very chivalrous. I think nowadays there are so many trifling men that ones like yours feel like they are really doing something by carrying their share.
 
Sweetie, I know you probably want to be married, and maybe even think you are in love. The buying the "extras" on your debit card is all you need to know. RUN!!! You know your own momma wouldn't pull some crap like this. Ole boy done thought he done hit the mother load! His money is his money, and your money is "ya'll" money. He may even straighten up for a minute, but we aware you will see this behavior again once ya'll all in. If you marry then divorce, come back and tell us how he's trying to get you for spousal support!


Please don't take offense. I am trying to shock/scare you cause I see you headed for a world of hurt. This man lacks scruples. This is something that you don't just do. He is already taking advantage of you.

Love yourself and what you believe in and get out while you can.

Be Blessed.
 
It sounds like you're getting nickel & dimed. Offputting to me.

Entitled has negative connotations, but I understand your meaning. You are not used to being nickel & dimed.

If it was me, I'd grow to resent the behavior and ultimately the man. (but that's just me)
Maybe you need to sit down and have a serious money talk...there may be a deeper issue here. Is he one of those people who doesn't trust or doesn't want to be "used" or taken advantage of by a woman?

Do you share other things 50/50? (or 45/55 cuz he's dippin into your debit card lol) or is it only with just money?
 
I don't like this one bit:nono:. He can't even pick up a prescription? I wouldn't be comfy with that arrangement.:nono:
I'm not married but if i were, i'd like an arrangement where i buy the groceries and general household buys- (i don't trust men with food shopping because they come home with half the stuff on the list and weird gadgets that no-one needs); and the smallish bills (ADSL, Lights etc) and my car installment and he sorts out the big boys like the mortgage, insurances etc...
Most married people i know have a similar system
 
OP please listen to me! My ex husband is exactly like this and I saw the signs when we were dating and engaged and now we are divorced and trust me finances are a major part of our demise. We are now divorced, and have a 2 year old and he is dodging child support. That 50/50 mentality he had Never worked for us! He still to this day thinks like that and I always think back to the fact that the signs were there for me just as they are there for you....Please listen to what these ladies are telling you we don't want to see you in a bad situation a year from now while married to the man.

Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100
 
lesedi said:
I don't like this one bit:nono:. He can't even pick up a prescription? I wouldn't be comfy with that arrangement.:nono:
I'm not married but if i were, i'd like an arrangement where i buy the groceries and general household buys- (i don't trust men with food shopping because they come home with half the stuff on the list and weird gadgets that no-one needs); and the smallish bills (ADSL, Lights etc) and my car installment and he sorts out the big boys like the mortgage, insurances etc...
Most married people i know have a similar system
Click to expand...

OMG @ledesi I literally laughed out loud reading that bold part.
I once sent DH out for pads, entenmenns cookies and advil.
He came back with advil, tampons and an A.M. RADIO!!!:lol:
 
I say yall need seperate housing. He would have been hit with a hot pot of grits the minute he used my card for something extra without asking. He is assuming since yall are doing 50/50 he's doing you a favor and you owe him something.

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I agree with the other ladies... that is a red flag & would be a deal breaker for me. DH & I pool our income and pay for everything from one account. We did this while living together prior to marriage & it worked out well. DH makes more than I do btw.

I lived with my ex & we did the same thing with no problem and I made more than him.

The refusal to p/u an R unless he uses your ATM kinda scares me

Sent from my SPH-D700
 
This would be a huge turnoff for me. Even a man who makes much less than you should still try to show that he's "taking care" of you in some way. Taking your debit card to the drugstore seems really petty. Plus it will be difficult to keep up this 50/50 thing when you get married. What happens if you are out of work? Or on maternity leave? Are you going to owe him money when you go back to work? What happens if you decide to be a SAHM or cut back to working part-time?

I doubt I would have made it to the engagement phase with this guy, but now that you're there it's not so easy to just walk away. I do think you should think long and hard about what kind of marriage you two will have and you both need to communicate and discuss your expectations. If you aren't on the same page it may be best to go your separate ways.
 
Whimsy said:
OMG @ledesi I literally laughed out loud reading that bold part.
I once sent DH out for pads, entenmenns cookies and advil.
He came back with advil, tampons and an A.M. RADIO!!!:lol:
Click to expand...
Whimsy
He heard 'antenna' when you said entenmenns:lachen::lachen:
Gotta love men:lol:
 
LoveHairGirl said:
@ JayAnn513 Sadly, we have not really discussed it prior to engagement and moving in together. I covered the electricity bill and internet bill for over a year while he covered groceries and a few months ago I requested a swap of the bills and he openly proclaimed that I make more money than him (approx $800 difference). I told him I am uncomfortable but nothing has changed. I am not sure what his parents does because they live in a different country.

sugarwater He does not do 50% of the housework and I run my own business on the side to and there is no contribution to that either.

Aveena I don't really know why I don't feel entitled, I guess I dont want to incorrectly come across as a gold-digger although asking for better should not label me as such.

thecurlycamshow I hear you, but my greatest fear is what happens when the kids come along...split the cost of diapers too ????I really have to work this out.

@ qchelle Basically I make about $750 more than him monthly. In the case of my parents, they are both within the same range with my dad taking in a bit more. I never thought that I would have to face this as an issue but now I understand why some women opt to marry someone with an equal to or greater income, although we are not really that far from being equally paid.

Ediese The arrangement you have is almost how my parents operate. The prescription this is really shameful but I have to be real about how bad it is.

caltron You hit the nail on the head....walking down the isle after realizing this! It almost seems as though he is not at all inspired to be the primary breadwinner.

@ ~VicTorIAn~ I hear you girl...The trouble is I am turned off and even to some extent disgusted by the behavior. I am almost to the point of jumping ship over this because I believe if I have to "convince" him to step up, then it is not worth it.

Thanks ladies, you guys have all been helpful and I just needed some support outside of the scope of close friends and family. Further comments are welcomed!
Click to expand...

When you break it down like this, I'm seeing a bunch of personal red flags. He might be the golddigger in this relationship. My husband (of a week and a half lol) does not pay 50% of the bills and he makes Waaaaaay less than me. But he does more than his fair share of housework and child care. And still, if he needs to pick up a prescription for me, he'll pay the five dollar copayment just so he doesn't have to bother me. What I'm trying to say is, although he can't provide financially like he wants to, he does it in other ways, and it doesn't seem like your SO is compensating.
 
I believe bills should be split proportionately to income, I don’t think anyone should feel that they have more money in a marriage just because they make more.

You definitely have to talk to him about finances because you two obviously have different beliefs. I can’t imagine telling a man I am sleeping with to pick up something for me and this fool asks for my debit card :nono:
 
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