Feeling Numb...

[ThickHair]

Unfortunately for him, his family is not very supportive. He has no realtionship with any of them, with the exception of a younger brother who he took in after their mother threw him out. That makes things much more difficult because he doesnt have a strong support system and not many reliable friends that can help him through. Hopefully he will find the strength to deal with it all on his own.

For the most part but not ALWAYS, folks who don't have healthy family relationships have usually, but not ALWAYS had issues maintaining healthy relationships. I know 100% of men who I know who had\have issues with their mother, have never maintained a healthy relationship with women. Having a relationship and having a healthy relationship is very different.

I didn't realized that until I was divorced. Ex and his mother have a very twisted relationship, yes it is a relationship but is isn't healthy at all. He had a better (healthier) relationship with his grandmother and after she passed that is when WE went down hill.

 

[Makenzie]

I appreciate your advise, and I came here looking for it...the good and bad. Of course at this stage in my life I have responsibilities and I hold them all down. You all are not saying anything new to me that I haven't heard from my people and some that I've said to myself. But you know how it goes when you are speaking to people in your circle, sometimes they don't want to come at you with the hard truth. My age, for the record has nothing to do with my deciding to be with or not. My intellect, my emotions, my maturity is all where it needs to be. Some people seem to think that going through a difficult relationship implies immaturity for some reason. But I stayed with a man who when not going through a depressive episode was very loving and kind to me. But as you said walking on the eggshells should not have to be done. It was under the advise of his therapist that I remain understanding of his situation, and not abandon him during his difficulties.

But it seems that many people walk at the first signs of trouble. I'm old school, watching my grandmother take care and nuture them family, grown people and all throughout various trials. So if that is not the way people handle their business today, it is kinda sad. Because we all at some point need that support and understanding.

I am really surprised his therapist would advise you to endure such treatment to a man you are not married to. Enduring emotional abuse is not the same as standing by them to help through a tough time. He has broken up with you time and time again. When you are with him he makes comments telling you he didn't want to be a couple, doesn't know where the relationship is going, etc.. Depressed or manipulative, why do YOU need to put with this ongoing treatment? After 3 years when do YOU get to say "I don't want him to make me feel like this anymore?"

There is a sticky I encourage you to read - Act Like a Goddess get treated like one. No one is encouraging you to run at the first sign of trouble. But you have to think of your mental health as well. He is draining you and I don't think you see it. You are so focused on 'being there for him' you don't see the detriment it is doing to. All for a man not your husband. So you go through all this for him now and what do you get out of it? Nothing. Just emotional baggage for you to take into your next relationship.

 

[Makenzie]

Unfortunately for him, his family is not very supportive. He has no realtionship with any of them, with the exception of a younger brother who he took in after their mother threw him out. That makes things much more difficult because he doesnt have a strong support system and not many reliable friends that can help him through. Hopefully he will find the strength to deal with it all on his own.

You can only help so much. No matter how much you want to help because he has no one else, you truly can only do so much. Truth be told, there is a possibility he may not even appreciate all you have done for him. Doesn't seem like it, otherwise he would not keep treating you badly.

 

[tada1]

im sorry you're going through this. you sound like a very loving and patient person and I think those are amazing attributes to have even in tough circumstances, but I'll like to encourage you to answer this questions honestly: what are you benefiting from this relationship?

 

[pattyr5]

First of all...I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are HARD. They can be emotionally-draining as well. So, I can understand how you must be feeling right now.



Right now all you need to do is to take care of yourself. Love yourself, and remember that even if you and your ex don't ever get back together, there are PLENTY of other fish in the sea. I know it may not seem like it right now, but TRUST me...there are. You deserve a guy who truly loves you and thinks that you ARE "the one".

Thank you sooooo much for this Crystalicequeen123, I really needed to hear advice on what to do to get my mind off of things. I know everyone here has tried to assist me in seeing the ugly part of this relationship....and I actually do appreciate it. But since it is just a day after, I would really love to get past this painful part, before I actually get on with the business of moving on. The pampering, shopping etc, would feel really good right now and take my mind off of everything. I think that once I get past feeling bad, I can put together all the reasons why this break-up is a good thing. Thank you for your truth as well as your sensitivity.

 

[pattyr5]

I am really surprised his therapist would advise you to endure such treatment to a man you are not married to. Enduring emotional abuse is not the same as standing by them to help through a tough time. He has broken up with you time and time again. When you are with him he makes comments telling you he didn't want to be a couple, doesn't know where the relationship is going, etc.. Depressed or manipulative, why do YOU need to put with this ongoing treatment? After 3 years when do YOU get to say "I don't want him to make me feel like this anymore?"

There is a sticky I encourage you to read - Act Like a Goddess get treated like one. No one is encouraging you to run at the first sign of trouble. But you have to think of your mental health as well. He is draining you and I don't think you see it. You are so focused on 'being there for him' you don't see the detriment it is doing to. All for a man not your husband. So you go through all this for him now and what do you get out of it? Nothing. Just emotional baggage for you to take into your next relationship.

I think the therapist had advised that I support him because the previous break-ups occured before my ex started going to counseling. I dont want to imply that he is a bad therapist or uncaring about me in the process, I just think he may not have given a lot of consideration to me because I am not the one who is in the chair so to speak. And my ex had begun to show lots of improvement, emotional growth and understanding under this doctors care. Sadly the unemployment made continuing therapy a luxury he could not afford.

I will take a look at that thread, because although I don't have any issues with my standing by him, I have some things to examine as a walk that fine line between being supportive and caring and being a doormat and an enabler.

Yes he is draining and I know it....has it always been, no...but I guess I have to look at just how much crap is allowable for a simple bf gf relationship.

 

[ThickHair]

Sadly the unemployment made continuing therapy a luxury he could not afford.

He can seek out some sorta free assistance. He can contact a local university, local mental health\mental retardation agency, United Way or even visit the local DPW office for a referral. He doesn't have to apply for welfare, but he could just stop into the office and pick up some free pamphlets. Also he can check out the local hospital emergency rooms. There is a lot of free assistance out there and he can even check with the unemployment office because they are aware that unemployment can pose some issues. So him not seeing a therapist because of $$ is not an excuse. I can understand him being upset about not seeing HIS preferred therapist but, hey you gonna use what you have access too.

 

[pattyr5]

im sorry you're going through this. you sound like a very loving and patient person and I think those are amazing attributes to have even in tough circumstances, but I'll like to encourage you to answer this questions honestly: what are you benefiting from this relationship?

That is a good question, and when I have a good answer I will get back at ya. Before the break up I had a friend, a lover, a companion, a person who was very accepting and understanding and we used to laugh and have a good time. But it would seem that this situation places all the good times or good elements into question.

 

[Makenzie]

I will take a look at that thread, because although I don't have any issues with my standing by him, I have some things to examine as a walk that fine line between being supportive and caring and being a doormat and an enabler.

Yes he is draining and I know it....has it always been, no...but I guess I have to look at just how much crap is allowable for a simple bf gf relationship.

It is a very fine line between caring/supportive and doormat/enabler. if you don't know where the boundaries are he's not either and is going to do whatever he feels he can get away with.

That is a good question, and when I have a good answer I will get back at ya. Before the break up I had a friend, a lover, a companion, a person who was very accepting and understanding and we used to laugh and have a good time. But it would seem that this situation places all the good times or good elements into question.

Ummmm according to your initial post it don't seem like you had all you think you did in a SO. I don't care how may laughs we have together, if a SO keeps breaking up with you, talk about breaking up and that you have no future together, he is not accepting and nor understanding. He's in it for the moment and what he can get from you.

Anyway, sorry you're hurting. It will take time to heal. Hopefully, you will come out of this situation with a clear idea of what you will and will not accept in a relationship.

 

[Goombay_Summer]

Run don't walk to the nearest emergency exit. This bum is actually telling you everything you need to know with his words and his actions. Would you ignore a smoke alarm if it went of in the middle of the night and the smoke is actually assaulting your nostrils and billowing into the room. Your relationship is that house that's burning down in the middle of the night, if you allow him back in your life its analogous to being in a burning building and not trying to save yourself. This may hurt a little but he's just not that into you. Like you I loved playing with fire, actually married the bum because I loved him and didn't want to be alone. In every way that counts you are alone because he's not emotionally supportive, in fact a cat or dog could fill his role right now an added bonus is that they take up less space. Third degree burns later, after I'd let him erode myself-esteem, and cost me 7,000 in attorney fees, and not to mention the time wasted I stood in the charred remains of my life. I know that I am being dramatic but after reading your post I wonder if you were actually dating my ex the description fits him to a tee.

 

[pattyr5]

Run don't walk to the nearest emergency exit. This bum is actually telling you everything you need to know with his words and his actions. Would you ignore a smoke alarm if it went of in the middle of the night and the smoke is actually assaulting your nostrils and billowing into the room. Your relationship is that house that's burning down in the middle of the night, if you allow him back in your life its analogous to being in a burning building and not trying to save yourself. This may hurt a little but he's just not that into you. Like you I loved played with fire, actually married the bum because I loved him and didn't want to be alone. In every way that counts you are alone because he's not emotionally supportive, in fact a cat or dog could fill his role right now an added bonus is that they take up less space. Third degree burns later, after I'd let him erode myself-esteem, and cost me 7,000 in attorney fees, and not to mention the time wasted I stood in the charred remains of my life. I know that I am being dramatic but after reading your post I wonder if you were actually dating my ex the description fit him to a tee.

Ok, you actually made me laugh....thank you for that. I hope this is not your ex...but apparently there are a few men out here with similar issues.

As far as telling me what I need to know with words and actions....he walks in circles. He actually called and said that he "couldn't put anything into the relationship right now" and with all that is going on it's too stressful and he thought I deserved better but assumed I would get fed up and leave so he was being nasty instead of being honest and didn't want to sound like a child or a weakling. Instead he opted for sounding like a cruel, uncaring, cold-hearted nut.

 

[Transformer]

I think Pattyr5 is seeking help on dealing with a person that she considers mentally ill versus getting over a relationship. I don't think the relationship is over for her.

I believe the scenario is " he gets better and we live together" I don't think happy ever after is a requirement.

 

[coconow2007]

OP based on what u wrote about him it just seems like he is just not that into u - With that said move on do u and open urslef to being found by a man who will want u just for u with no excuses

 

[pattyr5]

I think Pattyr5 is seeking help on dealing with a person that she considers mentally ill versus getting over a relationship. I don't think the relationship is over for her.

I believe the scenario is " he gets better and we live together" I don't think happy ever after is a requirement.

Happy ever after would be nice, but one has to believe that actually exists. I certainly hope that it does...I'm thinking all you ladies here have fantastic men in your lives, because not a single friend or family member I have has a happy ever after situation. Not to say that they are miserable, but they all have challenges in their relationships. So, I need to take a lesson from you all that have it all together, like you Ebonybee

 

[Transformer]

Happy ever after would be nice, but one has to believe that actually exists. I certainly hope that it does...I'm thinking all you ladies here have fantastic men in your lives, because not a single friend or family member I have has a happy ever after situation. Not to say that they are miserable, but they all have challenges in their relationships. So, I need to take a lesson from you all that have it all together, like you Ebonybee

At the PRESENT moment, yes I do have it together. However, DH and I have spent our entire adult lives together. Yes, folks have challenges....but the nature of the challenge does matter.

I'm certainly not flexible and I've never had a strong emotional reliance or attachment too anyone. So for me, "happily ever after" 95% of the time is a requirement. I absolutely LOVE MYSELF. Certainly to the point where if I was ever told. I'm not the one...I would only hear it once. I was absolutely miserable as a child....I never had any intentions of allowing misery to invade my adult life.

I have 5 older sisters....I've learned you can't change men....and you certainly can't make them love you. You can't make their hearts feel something that it don't.