Feeling Numb...

[pattyr5]

My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. I can't say that I was surprised because I felt it coming. I rationalized about it, and decided on how I was going to act. The plan was to calmly accept it and agree to do whatever he wants. The truth...it's been 24 hours and I am completely miserable. I never wanted to break up and I want him back...want him back now!!!!!!!!!!!!

How the hell am I gonna get over this, when I don't want to get over this?? He has been depressed...maybe has always been, but things got bad when he got laid off. I'm a rock and I can deal with the situation and gave him whatever support he needed. But the last couple of weeks....he just turned to ice. He was angry and distant and quiet. He asked me where did I think the relationship was going and I said it would go wherever it went. I didn't want to tell him how I really felt because we had this talk and he told me that he didn't want the relationship to go anywhere. I didnt accept that answer, partly I guess because I didn't want to...but also because I had been seeing him for almost three years. And in that three year period, he would say things like he didn't want us to be a couple because, I was too short, then it was my age, then we became an exclusive couple and then he says he doesn't know why I not "the one". We break up and then we get back together. After each episode, he gets a little closer and over a different silly issue. Is this man just speaking from his depression and just a commitment phobic? I don't know....I just know that even throughout our drama, I was happier that I am right now.

What can I do about this other than nothing?????????????

 

[ThickHair]

Big hug to you, been there and done it. Take solice in that you do know they reason for the break up. Some women never get that type of closure. If you want, in the privacy of your home scream, kick, get all snotty, let it all go then you can heal. Ya might have a headache and stuffy nose but that is ok.

 

[awhyley]

Before the ending part of your post, I was thinking that he was pushing you away out of his own inadequacies, but that he needed your support more than ever; however, if he's been making excuses from the get go and even before the job loss, I'd say to KIM. I'ts only been 24hours, so you can expect it to hurt like hell for a while, 3 years is a long time, so give yourself time to get over the ending of this relationship. I'm curious though, how long has he been laid off? He may need someone to talk to about his depression, because I do believe that he maybe depressed; but as far as continuing the relationship goes, I'd steer clear from those thoughts.

 

[Transformer]

Pattyr5,

Because you care for him, it hurts. But take some advice from Maya Angelou.....he's told you what he's about......believe him.

 

[Makenzie]

He has a habit of breaking up with you over little things? It hurts now. But when you decide that you deserve to be with someone who you won't have to worry about them constantly breaking up with you, you'll be much happier.

 

[ThickHair]

He has a habit of breaking up with you over little things? It hurts now. But when you decide that you deserve to be with someone who you won't have to worry about them constantly breaking up with you, you'll be much happier.

There is a wonderful man waiting for you to get over that other guy and for you to be emotionally ready to receive him. Who knows it may be a week, month or year, but there is someone perfect for you.

 

[pattyr5]

@ awhley....This last bout with unemployment has been since the first week in January. The problem with employement has to do with his union. There are many members and they put you on a job for six months and then you get a lay-off for six months to allow other people to have a chance to work. At first it seemed like he was gonna handle it well this time around, but that optimism only lasted for two weeks. And once he became angry and down on himself, he then turned on me. I know that he was making excuses before, but I just figured he had some emotional maturity to develop because he always came back to me and grew closer. I believed it was his fears holding him back, because truth be told, I'm a damn fabulous girlfriend. I have it all, at least all of what he claims to have been looking for...but he ran off like a scared child.

 

[Makenzie]

pattyr5, how old are the both of you?

 

[Transformer]

@ awhley.... because truth be told, I'm a damn fabulous girlfriend. I have it all, at least all of what he claims to have been looking for...QUOTE]

Apply your fabulosity to someone that is worth it. The good news is that he is not trying to use you while he's unemployed. Some men will do that and kick the woman to the curve when they have money of their own.

You're expending a lot of effort and emotions into a relationship that's apparently isn't going anywhere but most important isn't very satifying to you.

 

[pattyr5]

He has a habit of breaking up with you over little things? It hurts now. But when you decide that you deserve to be with someone who you won't have to worry about them constantly breaking up with you, you'll be much happier.

I have to admit it was a little stressful worrying about when he was going to have one of these episodes again and want to break up. I just thought I was being supportive in understanding that he has a problem. Before this last reconcilliation, he told me that he thought he was less in control of his emothions...and I thought that was a good things. I felt like he was being to rigid and trying to control way too much.

 

[pattyr5]

pattyr5, how old are the both of you?

He is 32 years old and I am 39....a very young looking 39 lol

 

[phynestone]

I understand he just lost his job, but that's no excuse for him to mistreat you. If he's making a habit of breaking up with you over silliness, then good riddance. There is so much better out there. Don't believe the hype over 1 man.

 

[pattyr5]

There is a wonderful man waiting for you to get over that other guy and for you to be emotionally ready to receive him. Who knows it may be a week, month or year, but there is someone perfect for you.

@Thickhair....thank you so much for saying that. I thought it was him...before we met, I used to really pray on this and hope to find somebody that I could fall in love with. I happen to be a bit picky when it comes to men but he....he was what I was looking for....minus the mental illness. erplexed

 

[Transformer]

He is 32 years old and I am 39....a very young looking 39 lol

Pattyr5,

From your posts, I thought you were 24 years old.....not nearly 40. I'm sorry but this behaviour is a lot immature on your behalf. Looking young and acting young are two entirely differently things.

 

[Makenzie]

I have to admit it was a little stressful worrying about when he was going to have one of these episodes again and want to break up. I just thought I was being supportive in understanding that he has a problem. Before this last reconcilliation, he told me that he thought he was less in control of his emothions...and I thought that was a good things. I felt like he was being to rigid and trying to control way too much.

Of course it was stressful. Listen, you are a grown woman of 39. I am sure you have responsibilities you handle. Those no doubt place stress in your life. Your romantic relationship should not be one of these that add stress. You shouldn't have to worry when the other shoe is gonna drop and he dumps you. People in love shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with their partner/mate. Have a good cry, or two. Take your fabulousness and get with some friends and family who love you and do something fun and spontaneous to take your mind off him! A grown man does not behave that way.

 

[Transformer]

Originally Posted by JustKiya
Yes. It's a lovely slice of WTF with an exquisite icing of Straight Up Delusional, and a mind-numbingly Stupid flavored cream filling.

 

[pattyr5]

Pattyr5,

From your posts, I thought you were 24 years old.....not nearly 40. I'm sorry but this behaviour is a lot immature on your behalf. Looking young and acting young is two entirely differently things.

Sorry to you hear that you think being hurt by a break up or suportive of a man with issues is immature. But of course we all are entitled to our own opinions.

 

[itismehmmkay]

OP, it has only been 24hrs. This is the toughest part. Get through today and it'll be a bit easier each day. I would not recommend getting back w/ him even if he wanted to; he appeared to be unsure of the relationship even throughout.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

First of all...I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. Breakups are HARD. They can be emotionally-draining as well. So, I can understand how you must be feeling right now.

My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. I can't say that I was surprised because I felt it coming. I rationalized about it, and decided on how I was going to act. The plan was to calmly accept it and agree to do whatever he wants. The truth...it's been 24 hours and I am completely miserable. I never wanted to break up and I want him back...want him back now!!!!!!!!!!!!

How the hell am I gonna get over this, when I don't want to get over this?? He has been depressed...maybe has always been, but things got bad when he got laid off. I'm a rock and I can deal with the situation and gave him whatever support he needed. But the last couple of weeks....he just turned to ice. He was angry and distant and quiet. He asked me where did I think the relationship was going and I said it would go wherever it went. I didn't want to tell him how I really felt because we had this talk and he told me that he didn't want the relationship to go anywhere. I didnt accept that answer, partly I guess because I didn't want to...but also because I had been seeing him for almost three years. And in that three year period, he would say things like he didn't want us to be a couple because, I was too short, then it was my age, then we became an exclusive couple and then he says he doesn't know why I not "the one" . We break up and then we get back together. After each episode, he gets a little closer and over a different silly issue. Is this man just speaking from his depression and just a commitment phobic? I don't know....I just know that even throughout our drama, I was happier that I am right now.

These are all RED FLAGS to me.

I know that usually it's best to look at a man's ACTIONS instead of listening to his words, but in SOME cases, it's best to LISTEN to what a man is telling you. A man who is truly into you and wants to have a serious long-term relationship with you won't be:

-Making silly excuses for why you two can't date such as you're "too short".
-Telling you that you're not "the one"
-And lastly...he won't be breaking up with you

Honestly, I know it's hard to see it right now, but based on what you've written it's probably best that he's out of your life at the moment.

What can I do about this other than nothing?????????????

First things first: Do Damage Control.

Right now you should be pampering yourself and doing little things to make yourself feel better. Take a nice warm bubble bath, hang out with friends, grieve and cry if you have to, go shopping, read a good book, wash and pamper your hair , get a spa/manicure/pedicure, just do ANYTHING to make yourself feel better.

Next...(and most importantly) DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONTACT HIM! He broke up with you, and right now...he's probably thinking that you'll be like most "predictable girls" and contact him begging him back. No no and NO! Don't do this! More than likely it will just push him away further, or give him an ego boost. Remember...HE broke up with you. Let him miss you (if he's going to). Also, if he's as "depressed" as you say he might be, then maybe it truly is best for the both of you to have space right now. He may need to work on his OWN issues or problems at the moment.

Right now all you need to do is to take care of yourself. Love yourself, and remember that even if you and your ex don't ever get back together, there are PLENTY of other fish in the sea. I know it may not seem like it right now, but TRUST me...there are. You deserve a guy who truly loves you and thinks that you ARE "the one".

 

[pattyr5]

Of course it was stressful. Listen, you are a grown woman of 39. I am sure you have responsibilities you handle. Those no doubt place stress in your life. Your romantic relationship should not be one of these that add stress. You shouldn't have to worry when the other shoe is gonna drop and he dumps you. People in love shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with their partner/mate. Have a good cry, or two. Take your fabulousness and get with some friends and family who love you and do something fun and spontaneous to take your mind off him! A grown man does not behave that way.

I appreciate your advise, and I came here looking for it...the good and bad. Of course at this stage in my life I have responsibilities and I hold them all down. You all are not saying anything new to me that I haven't heard from my people and some that I've said to myself. But you know how it goes when you are speaking to people in your circle, sometimes they don't want to come at you with the hard truth. My age, for the record has nothing to do with my deciding to be with or not. My intellect, my emotions, my maturity is all where it needs to be. Some people seem to think that going through a difficult relationship implies immaturity for some reason. But I stayed with a man who when not going through a depressive episode was very loving and kind to me. But as you said walking on the eggshells should not have to be done. It was under the advise of his therapist that I remain understanding of his situation, and not abandon him during his difficulties.

But it seems that many people walk at the first signs of trouble. I'm old school, watching my grandmother take care and nuture them family, grown people and all throughout various trials. So if that is not the way people handle their business today, it is kinda sad. Because we all at some point need that support and understanding.

 

[LilMissRed]

Im sorry ur feeling down today, but can I ask why ur feeling so badly when he seems to have been telling u all along that he didnt want to be with u?? Dont u want to be with a man who wants u all the time and not just when its convenient for him/his feelings? personally, I think u deserve better, BUT thats just IMO

Hope things work out for u

 

[Transformer]

Sorry to you hear that you think being hurt by a break up or suportive of a man with issues is immature. But of course we all are entitled to our own opinions.

Being hurt is not the immature part....it's going back for a repeat of the same behaviour over and over again. I'm not one to be mean....but I think a dose of reality is needed here.

You don't have any legal ties or vows to stand by this man....but you're putting up with bad behaviour. You apparently are sacraficing your mental health for his.

Maybe he's being kind and has someone already that he thinks is a better fit. Or he's straight being manipulative.

 

[Transformer]

I
But it seems that many people walk at the first signs of trouble. I'm old school, watching my grandmother take care and nuture them family, grown people and all throughout various trials. So if that is not the way people handle their business today, it is kinda sad. Because we all at some point need that support and understanding.

Pattyr5,

I'm a 51 year old that has been married to the same man for 33 years, so I definitely do not take off at the first sign of trouble. Behaving "old school" is warranted when the man also behaves "old school." Having an on again/off again relationship with a man that tell you "you're not the one" is just plain " fill in the blank."

Okay, what would grandma do?

 

[ThickHair]

I appreciate your advise, and I came here looking for it...the good and bad. Of course at this stage in my life I have responsibilities and I hold them all down. You all are not saying anything new to me that I haven't heard from my people and some that I've said to myself. But you know how it goes when you are speaking to people in your circle, sometimes they don't want to come at you with the hard truth. My age, for the record has nothing to do with my deciding to be with or not. My intellect, my emotions, my maturity is all where it needs to be. Some people seem to think that going through a difficult relationship implies immaturity for some reason. But I stayed with a man who when not going through a depressive episode was very loving and kind to me. But as you said walking on the eggshells should not have to be done. It was under the advise of his therapist that I remain understanding of his situation, and not abandon him during his difficulties.

But it seems that many people walk at the first signs of trouble. I'm old school, watching my grandmother take care and nuture them family, grown people and all throughout various trials. So if that is not the way people handle their business today, it is kinda sad. Because we all at some point need that support and understanding.

From what I have read, most folks IMHO were trying to get at, that you were treating him like a spouse instead of a boyfriend. Yes, a spouse you stay through thick n thin, a boyfriend eh not so much. That is what I am getting from everyone's posts. I may be incorrect though. I just SMH at his therapist advising your to remain understanding in this situation. What about your mental health? Understanding and remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy are not the same thing.

 

[pattyr5]

From what I have read, most folks IMHO were trying to get at, that you were treating him like a spouse instead of a boyfriend. Yes, a spouse you stay through thick n thin, a boyfriend eh not so much. That is what I am getting from everyone's posts. I may be incorrect though. I just SMH at his therapist advising your to remain understanding in this situation. What about your mental health? Understanding and remaining in a relationship that is unhealthy are not the same thing.

I suppose as his therapist, he was more concern with his patient and what the break up or lack of a support system in his life would do to him.

 

[Transformer]

I suppose as his therapist, he was more concern with his patient and what the break up or lack of a support system in his life would do to him.

Pattyr5,

What does your therapist say about your mental health?

 

[ThickHair]

I suppose as his therapist, he was more concern with his patient and what the break up or lack of a support system in his life would do to him.

Your ex needs support from his family who would only have his interest at heart. I am not saying that you don't, BUT keeping him happy would in turn keep your relationship going (possibly) AND that may not be the best thing for him right now. In the background you would be risking your mental health to keep him happy and now you are mucked up. When you have family support they want you well regardless, there should be no agenda. Now I am talking about fairly normal families with little dysfunction. This may not have come out sounding right but I can't thoroughly express my point. Your BF need more than your support, if he doesn't have family then it's going to be rough going no matter what YOU do, you were ONLY a gf. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. A gf is great but there is nothing like family and at this point in time you are not family, no matter if you feel like it. Not trying to start a wife v GF thread but that is why in healthy relationships a WIFE has more of a upper hand than a GF and even a GF that is allegedly like a WIFE IMHO.

BTW a major reason why my marriage failed is that my exspouse shut down on me all the time and I went through heck and highwater for this man. I wanted to make him better, I exhausted everything because I wanted to know that I did everything possible to save my marriage, but in the end there was nothing I could do. He went into his cave and never made an exit. I felt like a faliure because I couldn't help my HUSBAND, my friggin HUSBAND. Would I have done that for a boyfriend? Me thinks not, I would have given it the old college try but, eh that would have been his problem after a while, rots of ruck with that fella.

 

[pattyr5]

Being hurt is not the immature part....it's going back for a repeat of the same behaviour over and over again. I'm not one to be mean....but I think a dose of reality is needed here.

You don't have any legal ties or vows to stand by this man....but you're putting up with bad behaviour. You apparently are sacraficing your mental health for his.

Maybe he's being kind and has someone already that he thinks is a better fit. Or he's straight being manipulative.

I don't know what or who you are in your day to day but you are being mean right now....however, it's okay because it is this level of criticism that I expected. Hell, I have family and friends and co-workers who are more than happy to throw a pity party for me. And from I've gathered from each and every one of your posts...you ain't gonna be sending out any invitations on my behalf any time soon.

No, I don't have any legal ties or vows to stand by, other than those that I make in every realtionship I have with people, friend and lover alike. You are married for 30+ years, I applaud you. Many are not so fortunate. And with your 51 years of wisdom, I know you are well aware that that piece of paper and vows means nothing when a person means to walk away. My parents are together for 41 years, but only married now for about 7 of those years. So I don't place all importance on the paper, but that is just me and the environment that I was raised in.

As for what would grandma do????? My grandmother actually would open the door for him....but once he walked in she would be putting her foot up his ***.

 

[Transformer]

. My parents are together for 41 years, but only married now for about 7 of those years. So I don't place all importance on the paper, but that is just me and the environment that I was raised in.

As for what would grandma do????? My grandmother actually would open the door for him....but once he walked in she would be putting her foot up his ***.

I now understand your actions. Good Luck.

 

[pattyr5]

Your ex needs support from his family who would only have his interest at heart. I am not saying that you don't, BUT keeping him happy would in turn keep your relationship going (possibly) AND that may not be the best thing for him right now. In the background you would be risking your mental health to keep him happy and now you are mucked up. When you have family support they want you well regardless, there should be no agenda. Now I am talking about fairly normal families with little dysfunction. This may not have come out sounding right but I can't thoroughly express my point. Your BF need more than your support, if he doesn't have family then it's going to be rough going no matter what YOU do, you were ONLY a gf. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. A gf is great but there is nothing like family and at this point in time you are not family, no matter if you feel like it. Not trying to start a wife v GF thread but that is why in healthy relationships a WIFE has more of a upper hand than a GF and even a GF that is allegedly like a WIFE IMHO.

Unfortunately for him, his family is not very supportive. He has no realtionship with any of them, with the exception of a younger brother who he took in after their mother threw him out. That makes things much more difficult because he doesnt have a strong support system and not many reliable friends that can help him through. Hopefully he will find the strength to deal with it all on his own.