Emotional unavailability is the number one reason you are single

[VelvetRain]

So ladies what's your stance on this? The past week I have been listening to the Dedan Tolberts show online where he provides advice about relationships and dating that is targeted to black women. He is flat out saying that it's the number one reason there is a very high proportion of single black women because there is a situation in our lives that is preventing us from finding not just a good or average man but disqualifying us from getting an elite man. In terms of elite he has his own definition of what an elite man.

So according to him and the brothers he has on his panel you are emotionally unavailable if you still have connections to your ex and still are sleeping with him. You are emotionally unavailable if your someones jumpoff or out dating a bunch of men instead of investing in one person. He also says there are 3 reasons why we are single and not choosing to be. They are: poor personalities, no respectability, and emotional unavailability. Apparently 90% of black women don't have all three.

I swear if you can check out this show it's some of the realest talk I have heard among the brothers. We speculate on the forum about what black men really think about us in regards to dating and relationships but never get definitive answers because this is an environment full of women. He mildly bashes Steve Harvey because he feels he sugarcoats stuff and tells you exactly what you want to hear which is why his books have sold millions. How can one think like a man when your not one? I just find all this interesting and mildly entertaining.

 

[ThickHair]

Take out black women and put in black men and it is true also.

 

[Bmack]

Take out black women and put in black men and it is true also.

I swear, this was my exact thought!!

 

[VelvetRain]

Very true Thickhair I can easily see how it would apply to men and rightfully it should. However it seems like his focus is not geared to giving the fellas advice. A lot of what I am hearing seems to be a double standard as well. I guess that is life.

 

[Imani]

So ladies what's your stance on this? The past week I have been listening to the Dedan Tolberts show online where he provides advice about relationships and dating that is targeted to black women. He is flat out saying that it's the number one reason there is a very high proportion of single black women because there is a situation in our lives that is preventing us from finding not just a good or average man but disqualifying us from getting an elite man. In terms of elite he has his own definition of what an elite man.

So according to him and the brothers he has on his panel you are emotionally unavailable if you still have connections to your ex and still are sleeping with him. You are emotionally unavailable if your someones jumpoff or out dating a bunch of men instead of investing in one person. He also says there are 3 reasons why we are single and not choosing to be. They are: poor personalities, no respectability, and emotional unavailability. Apparently 90% of black women don't have all three.

I swear if you can check out this show it's some of the realest talk I have heard among the brothers. We speculate on the forum about what black men really think about us in regards to dating and relationships but never get definitive answers because this is an environment full of women. He mildly bashes Steve Harvey because he feels he sugarcoats stuff and tells you exactly what you want to hear which is why his books have sold millions. How can one think like a man when your not one? I just find all this interesting and mildly entertaining.

I have a ton of male friends, always have had more male friends than female friends, and they keep it all the way 100% real w/me. As do many of the other women in the forum. I guess I get a little irked when people say things like this as if all of us women are living in this little bubble and are super clueless about what men are thinking as if they are some foreign alien species or something. Majority of the stuff is just common sense.

"elite man"???erplexed

I don't really have a comment on the rest since I have never seen or heard of this guy, but 90% of sistas having something "wrong" with them just doesn't sit right w/me.

 

[lushcoils]

He doesn't make any sense to me.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Take out black women and put in black men and it is true also.

I agree with him and I agree with you too. The door swings both ways.

 

[ambergirl]

Why are we as black women so quick to entertain anyone who tells us that 90% of us are not relationship worthy? Just throwing out that number puts him in the KIM category for me.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I am gonna check out his show...

 

[Ladybelle]

I agree with the emotional unavailability thing & other baggage that prevents us from being able to obtain what we are looking for. It can be very difficult to look at one's self & especially difficult when our flaws are being magnified, but sometimes it's neccessary to move forward.

 

[VelvetRain]

I honestly posted some of his ideas and viewpoints but just like anything else it's useful to investigate yourself. Do a google search on him and check out what he has to say. He does make some interesting points, ones in which we don't talk about here. Honestly I grew tired of Steve Harvey and is wack advice a long time ago. It's just bad advice all around. Finally someone steps up as another man to prove he gives ridiculous advice. I mean really Steve Harvey? Hes not even in our age group and presents very outdated and silly advice. Sometimes having someone present a different perspective that is in your age group is healthy.

Ladies just take a look into this.

 

[LifeafterLHCF]

My only thought that makes me leary of this is he states your dating a bunch of men and not investing in one.Well dont' men do that all the time and he isn't seen as a unavilable dude he is seen as a champ.But I do believe we hold on to at times will prevent us from allowing other things in.I'm speaking from experience.If we have fist balled up with all the old wounds and old dudes there is no room for anything new fresh..

 

[Katherina]

I'm going to check this out. I like hearing different men give their opinions on relationships, whether or not I agree with their advice. And I don't like Steve Harvey either, so this guy is starting out on my good side.

ETA:

Unsolicited opinions and musings: He's pretty cute in the face, but he looks kinda small for my tastes. How is he defining elite?

 

[Syrah]

So ladies what's your stance on this? The past week I have been listening to the Dedan Tolberts show online where he provides advice about relationships and dating that is targeted to black women. He is flat out saying that it's the number one reason there is a very high proportion of single black women because there is a situation in our lives that is preventing us from finding not just a good or average man but disqualifying us from getting an elite man. In terms of elite he has his own definition of what an elite man.

So according to him and the brothers he has on his panel you are emotionally unavailable if you still have connections to your ex and still are sleeping with him. You are emotionally unavailable if your someones jumpoff or out dating a bunch of men instead of investing in one person. He also says there are 3 reasons why we are single and not choosing to be. They are: poor personalities, no respectability, and emotional unavailability. Apparently 90% of black women don't have all three.

I swear if you can check out this show it's some of the realest talk I have heard among the brothers. We speculate on the forum about what black men really think about us in regards to dating and relationships but never get definitive answers because this is an environment full of women. He mildly bashes Steve Harvey because he feels he sugarcoats stuff and tells you exactly what you want to hear which is why his books have sold millions. How can one think like a man when your not one? I just find all this interesting and mildly entertaining.

Is he saying anything that we didn't already know?

I dunno - I think one of the bigest things we can do is stop waiting around for game changing miracle insights into the minds of men. We overestimate their emotional intelligence and overcomplicate their motivations while second guessing ourselves.

Are people really all that confused by men? Or is more that the confusion lies in meeting, dating and ultimately keeping the men we want?!

 

[RocStar]

Emotional unavailability is the number one reason you are single

Umm...no, I don't buy this for one second.

Emotional unavailability might be a reason, but it ain't the number one reason.

 

[MD_Lady]

I'm going to check this out. I like hearing different men give their opinions on relationships, whether or not I agree with their advice. And I don't like Steve Harvey either, so this guy is starting out on my good side.

ETA:

Unsolicited opinions and musings: He's pretty cute in the face, but he looks kinda small for my tastes. How is he defining elite?

I'd get more enjoyment out of listening to men give their opinions on relationships if so many of them weren't saying variations of the same thing (i.e. placing the VAST majority of the "fault" on black women without acknowledging the role of black men or that fact that there might not be anyone to "blame").

 

[MD_Lady]

...So according to him and the brothers he has on his panel you are emotionally unavailable if you still have connections to your ex and still are sleeping with him. You are emotionally unavailable if your someones jumpoff or out dating a bunch of men instead of investing in one person. He also says there are 3 reasons why we are single and not choosing to be. They are: poor personalities, no respectability, and emotional unavailability. Apparently 90% of black women don't have all three...

Okay... so what if a woman is emotionally available (doesn't engage in any of the behaviors that would classify her as "emotionally unavailable"), has a "good" personality (puts her best foot forward in interactions with others and treats them as she'd want to be treated), and is respectable (is reserved in her words and actions and is mindful of how they maybe received by others),then what? Should she start shopping around for wedding venues because it's only a matter of time before Prince Charming glides into her life and sweeps her off her feet?

 

[VelvetRain]

Look y'all I am not the mans spokesperson lol. Anyone is free to call into his live shows and ask questions or hit him up on Facebook. Just relaying a few of his viewpoints. They are not my viewpoints.

 

[MD_Lady]

Look y'all I am not the mans spokesperson lol. Anyone is free to call into his live shows and ask questions or hit him up on Facebook. Just relaying a few of his viewpoints. They are not my viewpoints.

We know. You're just the messenger.

 

[MD_Lady]

Is he saying anything that we didn't already know?

I dunno - I think one of the bigest things we can do is stop waiting around game changing miracle insights into the minds of men. We overestimate their emotional intelligence and overcomplicate their motivations while second guessing ourselves.

Are people really all that confused by men? Or is more that the confusion lies in meeting, dating and ultimately keeping the men we want?!

And women can stop presenting themselves as being flawed by CONSTANTLY asking why they're still single. Aside from giving opinions, how in the heck can someone who's never met you and is unfamiliar with your personality or dating history tell you why you're single? The fact of the matter is that different people are single for different reasons (heck, I don't have a radio show, haven't written a book, and am not a licensed therapist, but even I've had enough interactions with a variety of people to know THAT as have most of us). As easy as it is to tell a BW that all she has to do is "x" in order to get the man of her dreams, it's not even close to being true (and at this point, I don't know if this advice is meant to profit from insecurities or a false sense of power).

 

[Katherina]

Look y'all I am not the mans spokesperson lol. Anyone is free to call into his live shows and ask questions or hit him up on Facebook. Just relaying a few of his viewpoints. They are not my viewpoints.

I've been listening while I clean up around the house and it's actually interesting. They do "keep it real." I will probably tune in to the program tonight since I don't have anything better to do .

 

[anon123]

Very true Thickhair I can easily see how it would apply to men and rightfully it should. However it seems like his focus is not geared to giving the fellas advice. A lot of what I am hearing seems to be a double standard as well. I guess that is life.

I wish it were. I'm growing weary of everybody telling black women what's wrong with us, as though our potential partners have no part in it, just being the godly gods they are. I mean, it's not like I would even mind hearing some alternative viewpoints sometimes. But so far, doesn't sound very alternative. In fact, it sounds pretty repetitive.

Why are we as black women so quick to entertain anyone who tells us that 90% of us are not relationship worthy? Just throwing out that number puts him in the KIM category for me.

I mean, srsly. I think it makes them feel good about themselves to sit around and discuss what's "wrong" with us, and with dang near all of us. Just like many of us like talking about what's wrong with them.

 

[Syrah]

I'd get more enjoyment out of listening to men give their opinions on relationships if so many of them weren't saying variations of the same thing (i.e. placing the VAST majority of the "fault" on black women without acknowledging the role of black men or that fact that there might not be anyone to "blame").

How is that any different from what we do?

 

[aribell]

So according to him and the brothers he has on his panel you are emotionally unavailable if you still have connections to your ex and still are sleeping with him. You are emotionally unavailable if your someones jumpoff or out dating a bunch of men instead of investing in one person.

This I feel is common sense. The value of dating a bunch of men instead of investing in one would depend on whether one was present who was worth investing in.

He also says there are 3 reasons why we are single and not choosing to be. They are: poor personalities, no respectability, and emotional unavailability. Apparently 90% of black women don't have all three.

This, however, I honestly believe is relative. Even "respectability". I just have to say that continually I see people who I would think have odd personalities, are strange, awkward, "loose"/behaving in what nicola.kirwan would consider unrespectable for a lady, and overly busy with their lives, and they are not single. The thing is that someone who is boring to you is not boring to the next person. Someone whose values you question seems perfectly fine to the next person. And someone who doesn't seem "open enough" to you may seem just fine to the next person. There is a lid for every pot. It's a numbers game, really, so I don't think women need to internalize this too much. It only leads women to go down the whole tailspin, "but I'm fun-loving, can cook and am the woman every mother loves, so why am I still single?"

 

[Syrah]

I wish it were. I'm growing weary of everybody telling black women what's wrong with us, as though our potential partners have no part in it, just being the godly gods they are. I mean, it's not like I would even mind hearing some alternative viewpoints sometimes. But so far, doesn't sound very alternative. In fact, it sounds pretty repetitive.

I mean, srsly. I think it makes them feel good about themselves to sit around and discuss what's "wrong" with us, and with dang near all of us. Just like many of us like talking about what's wrong with them.

Maybe its time we change our point of reference. Why are we listening to a bunch of SINGLE men as if they've got it all figured out? They are in the same boat as the single women. Wanting something they can't seem to find and hold on to.

Maybe we should be interviewing married men and asking them why they married the women that they did. Maybe we should be talking to married women and asking them why they married the men that they did. Where'd they meet. How they dated. What things they both did as single individuals to prepare themselves for the relationship that they always knew they wanted...

 

[MD_Lady]

How is that any different from what we do?

It's not at all different from what many women do. Women couldn't provide a market for this type of "advice" if they didn't present themselves as needing it in the first place because of what they felt they were doing wrong.

 

[VelvetRain]

Maybe its time we change our point of reference. Why are we listening to a bunch of SINGLE men as if they've got it all figured out? They are in the same boat as the single women. Wanting something they can't seem to find and hold on to.

Maybe we should be interviewing married men and asking them why they married the women that they did. Maybe we should be talking to married women and asking them why they married the men that they did. Where'd they meet. How they dated. What things they both did as single individuals to prepare themselves for the relationship that they always knew they wanted...

Actually the dude is married as well as the other co host. I am finding it interesting that they are essentially saying women are not the prize in terms of getting the man. The guy is essentially the prize as the reward for being respectable woman. I listened to how your weave is keeping you single earlier lol.

 

[mischka]

i don't see why it has to be ALL black women are emotionally unavailable. wtf does that even mean anyway bc i know some desperate chicks who are way too FREE with their emotions.... whoever spouted this theory is the wackness

 

[MD_Lady]

Actually the dude is married as well as the other co host. I am finding it interesting that they are essentially saying women are not the prize in terms of getting the man. The guy is essentially the prize as the reward for being respectable woman. I listened to how your weave is keeping you single earlier lol.

Actually, all of these schools of thought are preaching exactly that.

 

[imaccami]

The problem I have is that the underlying text of these types of messages is that it's practically impossible for a black woman to be single if she is well adjusted and emotionally healthy. That just isn't the case. A lot of black men seem to want to ignore the large numbers of black men who are unwilling to work, unwilling to be faithful, refuse to marry, have 2 or more baby mamas etc.

There are plenty of black women who are virgins well into their 30's and 40's, that isn't uncommon in the black community at all, very few women date more than one person at a time, and plenty of black women have great personalities. It's ridiculous to say that 90% of single black women are either not respectable, have poor personalities or are emotionally unavailable.

And a lot of black men are practically mute, it's hard to show off your sparkling personality when the person you're trying to talk to can barely hold up their end of the conversation.