Don't Like My Friend's New Boyfriend

[natural_one]

I have a bit of a dilemna...My friend just started dating a guy who is very outspoken and eccentric. He is a nice person, but our personalities dont mesh very well. I've never been mean or disrespectful to him but lately I have stopped hanging out with her because I don't want to be around him..I understand that this is my issue not hers or his, but I do miss my friend and she told another friend that she noticed that I am bowing out of a lot of activities. How should I approach this? Should I talk to her about it or just keep my distance when I know he is going to be around?

 

[CaraWalker]

just offer to hang out with her when she is alone, and if she mentions bringing the boyfriend gently but consistently redirect her to one on one hanging out activities.

 

[sky_blu]

This happened to me and I lost a friend... but he treated her like shht then she married him and had a baby. We confronted her about him and she didn't listen. We didn't speak for years and when we did our relationship was never the same. He died about 3-4 years ago so she's a young widow raising their son solo and I've never met her son. I'm not sure what advice I can give you bc the reason we stopped speaking is bc she didn't believe anything we said about him and brushed it off to be with him. So if you make that choice be aware of the consequences.

 

[natural_one]

Thanks...I'm thinking i'll start planning one on one/girl only activities so I can see hang with her and avoid the boyfriend..I just feel uncomfortable feeling this way and not saying anything, but you just never know how people are going to react..

 

[hopeful]

Thanks...I'm thinking i'll start planning one on one/girl only activities so I can see hang with her and avoid the boyfriend..I just feel uncomfortable feeling this way and not saying anything, but you just never know how people are going to react..

It's hard too because it's hard to accept someone not liking your guy. If you tell her it may hurt her feelings. On the other hand if you don't address the situation she may come to her own conclusions. Is there anyway you can hang with the group and just focus on everyone else? Or is he seeking you out? I'm assuming that other people are with you guys and it's not just you and them because well that would be kinda weird.

 

[lux10023]

i would just hang with her minus him..had a situation like this..my friends guy didn't have any friends so he was always with us..i told him and her nah boo...we became distance...

i attempted to make sure he was welcomed into our group nicely but no dude was just a big biotech i think he wanted to isolate her and have her all to himself..which he did briefly until she felt it wasnt cute anymore...
we still hangout but the friendship changed..i accepted it and moved along....but she knew that i wasn't fond of him and why and as long as everything was communicated respectfully and out in the open...she was clear on why we didn't hangout as often since dude was a buzzkill...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Thanks...I'm thinking i'll start planning one on one/girl only activities so I can see hang with her and avoid the boyfriend..I just feel uncomfortable feeling this way and not saying anything, but you just never know how people are going to react..

Good idea..

Quick question though... Is it that you just personally don't really care for his personality? Or is it that you are witnessing things about him that you don't like (ie. him treating her disrespectfully, being mean/cold/distant, the way he treats people around him, comments he makes, etc). The reason I ask is because the former may just be a simple personality clash...big deal. But the latter could actually be huge, glaring red flags that you might want to let your friend be aware of.

I told my girlfriend (ex-roomie) that her boyfriend gave me red flags. EVERYONE tried to warn her about him. She saw the signs too, but she ended up marrying him anyway. They haven't even been married for a year yet and she already wants a divorce. Her marriage is HORRIBLE! I tried to warn her....I did it in a loving and kind way. She just chose to do what she wanted to do. So...she made her bed now she has to lie down in it. But my thing is, I DON'T regret at all telling her how I felt about him and the red flags I saw. I would want someone to do the same if it were me.

I can't tell you what to do, but if you spot HUGE red flags, maybe telling her in a kind and calm way would be best. If it's just that he's loud, brash, opinionated, then your idea of just planning one-on-one girl time is the best option imo.

 

[lana]

You received good advice here, but here is my two cents:

Invite her to things like pedicures, manicures, hair appointments, shopping, etc. Girly things.

If it's just that you don't like her boyfriend's personality, don't say anything mean about him and just try to reach out to her as a girl friend.
If it's that he's borderline abusive, crazy, jealous, whatever the case - red flag city - you might need to tell her at the risk of losing her as a friend.

 

[CoilyFields]

Just tell her.

Everyone doesn't have to like everyone. Don't go overboard, don't get into bashing him. Just say your personalities conflict and that you'd prefer to spend most of your time with her as "girl time" when possible (but you don't mind the occasional group outing). But help her understand that it's not because he did or said anything inappropriate and there is nothing wrong with him.

I had a friend who disliked one of my ex's. It was straight annoying because she constantly talked about it. But for me it was fairly easy to keep them apart because our friendship activities did not include each others SO's anyways. Now if our relationship had progressed to marriage it would have been a different story.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

Your intuition is bothering you for a reason. Trust it but you're under no obligation to share how you're feeling.

She's in that phase where she doesn't want to hear your truth. If she just started seeing him she needs to spend time with him not bring him around all of her friends on group outings (unless that's how you all are). For now, hold your tongue and plan some girl only outings. You're under no obligation to interview or entertain her new boyfriend. She's the one dating him not you.

 

[quirkydimples]

If you are seeing red flags and choose not to tell her, then don't ever tell her. It's really irritating for friends and family to tell you after things have blown up that they knew x,y,z but didn't say anything because "it's not my business." Just my two cents...

 

[krikit96]

If she told a mutual friend that she noticed you were pulling back, why didn't she come to YOU about it? That makes me think that she isn't so open to talking to YOU about things either... so I wouldn't tell her jack unless she specifically asked you about it. Sounds like she'd talk about you behind your back too. Could just be me, but it doesn't sound like it's far from her turning it into something petty if you tell her.
I would stick with planning girl only outings. And also, like someone else said, I wouldn't harp on it if the conversation comes up, tell her politely that he's just not your cup of tea, but if she likes him you love it... you just don't want to insert yourself into their situation.

 

[caribeandiva]

It sounds like you just don't like his personality. In that case, I'd tell her that I don't like him and don't want to be around him. So please quit inviting me to things that involve him. I'd much rather spend that time hanging out with you one on one.