Doing things that your DH/SO does not approve of... (need advice too)

[Te'TahHead]

Have you ever done something that your DH or SO doesn't approve of...

I rarely do, because I am somewhat of a homebody.

But, I have run into a big issue. Like, one weekend, I decided I wanted to go to the club out the blue. I haven't been in almost two years so I thought it would be fun. The club was in another city. So, I let him know that I am going and he says "NO". I politely tell him I wasnt asking him and that I was going. He went on about how I didn't really know the girls (I didn't.. but I just wanted to go anyways to be spontaneous) and that that city is dangerous...blah, blah blah. He blantly told me I wasn't going and if I even thought about it, it would be a serious issue. Mind you, he is NOT my father. So, after deliberation and "wanting to keep the peace"... I didn't go. :Nono: I regret this decision, not because I wanted to go that bad -I didn't- but because I think it set a bad precedent.

So, now I have another issue. I know some of y'all know I want to pro dance. At first, he was against it, because he used to play pro ball and SAID he feels that it not good for a "person like me". I felt that he was jealous and couldn't stand coming to the game and watching me because his career has ended (not by his own decision). I let him know this too. After a long talk, he finally admitted that he was jealous, but he didn't want to stand in the way of my dream, so he will support me. he had been drinking too during this convo. He opens up ater a few drinks. Mind you, he wasn't drunk and he ALWAYS REMEMBERS what we talk about, drining or not. So, last night, I am looking at costumes online and he asks what are you doing. I tell him I'm looking for my tryout (which is in 2.5 weeks) and he says "Te' you didn't talk to me about it". I'm like "WTF...yes I did and you said I have your full support". Well, he acts like he doesn't remember and said "I am not down with that. I don't want you doing that". So I said "You can't tell me what to do, I do what I want". I was very angry as this has been something I have wanted to do my whole life. Do you know this fool said "It's not up for discussion, so I am done". I feel like, just because he is my DH doesn't mean he can treat me like his child or property. I spoke with my g-ma (old school) and my home girl (new school) who both said just don't do it. But, I don't think they understand how much of a big deal it is for me. I don't like this.

He usually isn't so controlling either. He can care less what I do with our money, or what I wear. These seem to be big problems in other rel. but not mine. I notice my friends' husbands/boyfriends have a lot to say about money, and their wives/girlfriend's appearance but not mine. I always felt lucky to have a man that values me as his partner and not his property. Now, I feel stuck.

So, have you ever done something that your DH/SO doesn't approve of? Im not talking about something small, but something larger. Did you ever think about doing something your partner doesn't approve of?

 

[DarkHair]

I am sorry that you are going through this situation. I know that my DH often says 'I have spoken' but then I laugh at him and KIM. I wanted to do pole dancing and he lollygagged around the subject. He asked about price and so forth. I ended up paying for the class. I didn't ask him permission, I just went and did it. I absolutely love my class. So much so that I started on the second level, and I want to go further. My body is looking better as well.

Upon reading what you are going through, maybe you should start dancing and doing routines around the house. Talk to him again about it, even shed some tears so that he can see how serious you are about it. I'm sure that he'll come around. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Te'TahHead]

Do you ask your husband everytime you want to try something new?

Only time I do/did is when it is with his money. But, if I have my own, taking classes is none of his concern.

Girl, crying won't work, because I do it too much. i am a big cry baby. It'll probably make him angry because he HATES to see me cry. LOL!!

I would see any DH being down for the pole dancing because it could benefit him... lol lol. Do you think your DH wouldn't have liked teh idea had you came to him before.

 

[mxdchiq86]

yes, i have. my husband is dead set against the club. i think that's just about the only thing that he really puts his foot down about. needless to say, i've been to the club maybe 10 times in the past 2 years that we've been dating. i've always enjoyed the club atmosphere and used to go every weekend before i met him but, i understand that a marriage is about sacrifice so i practically do not go anymore. sometimes you have to sit back and think, is it really that important that i want to cause friction with the person that i am in love with and plan to spend my life with. there have been things that come up in his life or career that i am dead set against and he complies so i feel it's kind of like a give and take. to be honest, as far as the club goes, i've '' snuck '' out on a few occasions to have drinks with my girls when or if he may be away. this was back when we were dating. since we've been married i haven't been out like that at all.. not to say that i wouldn't do it now.. but, i feel like when you prohibit someone from doing something that you both know does not directly harm the relationship.. someone is going to take it upon themselves to go out and do it on their own accord. nobody wants to feel like anyones property. if i were you, i'd say go for it.. but maybe not persue it as full speed as you would if he weren't around. it's hard finding that perfect balance but, i hope everything works out for you and i know it will. keep trying to find that balance between independance and not stepping on his toes too much.

 

[DarkHair]

Do you ask your husband everytime you want to try something new?

Only time I do/did is when it is with his money. But, if I have my own, taking classes is none of his concern.

Girl, crying won't work, because I do it too much. i am a big cry baby. It'll probably make him angry because he HATES to see me cry. LOL!!

I would see any DH being down for the pole dancing because it could benefit him... lol lol. Do you think your DH wouldn't have liked teh idea had you came to him before.

I don't ask, I mention new things to him. If it involves my money, he doesn't say anything. I almost didn't get to do this new session. He saw how much I loved it and said that I could. I think I paid for this session too.

I think that he would be fine with it if I came to him before. He has his hobby and I think it would only be fair for me to have one as well.

I think if your DH totally realized how much this means to you, he should be your number one cheerleader. Personally, for me (speaking for me only), I'd go ahead and do it, or at least tryout, and see where it goes from there. He may be trying to flex his authoritative muscles.

 

[DayStar]

damn, this is what scares me about marriage..

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I have no advice because i'm not married but just wanted to offer support.

 

[Te'TahHead]

yes, i have. my husband is dead set against the club. i think that's just about the only thing that he really puts his foot down about. needless to say, i've been to the club maybe 10 times in the past 2 years that we've been dating. i've always enjoyed the club atmosphere and used to go every weekend before i met him but, i understand that a marriage is about sacrifice so i practically do not go anymore. sometimes you have to sit back and think, is it really that important that i want to cause friction with the person that i am in love with and plan to spend my life with. there have been things that come up in his life or career that i am dead set against and he complies so i feel it's kind of like a give and take. to be honest, as far as the club goes, i've '' snuck '' out on a few occasions to have drinks with my girls when or if he may be away. this was back when we were dating. since we've been married i haven't been out like that at all.. not to say that i wouldn't do it now.. but, i feel like when you prohibit someone from doing something that you both know does not directly harm the relationship.. someone is going to take it upon themselves to go out and do it on their own accord. nobody wants to feel like anyones property. if i were you, i'd say go for it.. but maybe not persue it as full speed as you would if he weren't around. it's hard finding that perfect balance but, i hope everything works out for you and i know it will. keep trying to find that balance between independance and not stepping on his toes too much.

Y do you think DH s dead set against the club? You know you dead wrong for "sneaking" out cause had he done it to you... you woulda had a fit. . I know I would have. I don't think this thing will cause a disruption in our rel., but I don't want him (if he ever loosens his grip) to become very resentful of me.

I kinda feel like men pick and choose heir battles way more than we do. So, it's like when they have one, you should try and work it out.

That said, I really don't believe in TRUE compromise. I think it's impossible.

 

[Te'TahHead]

damn, this is what scares me about marriage..

Having to answer to your husband?


I told my firend "he is not my damn Daddy" and she said "That's why dads give the ir daughters away to their husbands.

*sigh*

 

[Te'TahHead]

I have no advice because i'm not married but just wanted to offer support.

Are you in a serious rel.? Even if you aren't.. i still like opinions

 

[DarkHair]

Having to answer to your husband?


I told my firend "he is not my damn Daddy" and she said "That's why dads give the ir daughters away to their husbands.

*sigh*

Oh wow. I wish that my hubby would say that. Please let your husband know that fathers give their daughters to their husbands to be their helpmate, rib, and other half of ONE. A wife is not above or below her husband, they are equal.

Regarding the situation at hand, does he do something that you don't agree with but don't want to argue about? We've had that happen, and I observe, evaluate, then react (read mention it and point out observation). He begins to see my side of things and henceforth a compromise is reached. erplexed

 

[JFemme]

That said, I really don't believe in TRUE compromise. I think it's impossible.

IA,

Early in my marriage, I use to sneak a life, but that soon became tiresome.

If you are not careful, you can will compromise away all that makes you, YOU.

All the best, with your SO

 

[calm_delight]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I totally feel him on him not wanting you to go to the club but pro dancing is your dream and it's totally different. I don't even understand that one. Just continue to talk to him and let him see how passionate about it you are and he'll come around. Whatever he's going through that's causing his resistance probably has little or nothing to do with you anyway.

 

[Te'TahHead]

Oh wow. I wish that my hubby would say that. Please let your husband know that fathers give their daughters to their husbands to be their helpmate, rib, and other half of ONE. A wife is not above or below her husband, they are equal.

Regarding the situation at hand, does he do something that you don't agree with but don't want to argue about? We've had that happen, and I observe, evaluate, then react (read mention it and point out observation). He begins to see my side of things and henceforth a compromise is reached. erplexed

He didn't say that, I said my girlfriend said that. I don't believe my girlfriend doesn't think she is not equal to her husband either.

Usually he doesn't do much that I disagree with. Everything he does, he did before we were together, so I knew what to expect.

 

[Te'TahHead]

IA,

Early in my marriage, I use to sneak a life, but that soon became tiresome.

If you are not careful, you can will compromise away all that makes you, YOU.

All the best, with your SO

Wait a min.. how do you sneak a life? LOL. This is crazy

I totally agree with everything you said!

So, do you still have that life you snuck around for?lol

 

[Te'TahHead]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I totally feel him on him not wanting you to go to the club but pro dancing is your dream and it's totally different. I don't even understand that one. Just continue to talk to him and let him see how passionate about it you are and he'll come around. Whatever he's going through that's causing his resistance probably has little or nothing to do with you anyway.

His resistance has NOTHING to do with me. He can't say anything about male attention, because I am pretty and I get that anyway. I also model, so either way I am at public events.

I don't think I can even talk to him. He said "IT. IS. NOT. A .DISCUSSION." and left it at that. When he doesn't speak on things, it kinda shows me he won't move.

I'm gonna make him a glass of champagne and try it again...lol *sigh* Have him sign a contract this time!

 

[DarkHair]

He didn't say that, I said my girlfriend said that. I don't believe my girlfriend doesn't think she is not equal to her husband either.

Usually he doesn't do much that I disagree with. Everything he does, he did before we were together, so I knew what to expect.

My bad erplexed. I think I got too wrapped up in the moment.

 

[JFemme]

Wait a min.. how do you sneak a life? LOL. This is crazy

I totally agree with everything you said!

So, do you still have that life you snuck around for?lol

Its a parallel existence, so to speak...

I termed it, sneaking a life, after many years of doing so...

there are areas of life that are non-negotiable, that in some instances we dont/cant recognize until we are on the other side (married/committed)..

(I'm not talkin bout cheating, either or excessive partying et cetera)

the dream of he and I, happily agreeing, supporting each other through thick and thin needed alteration, if I were to survive ..

I'll stop right here...

 

[Te'TahHead]

So, what were you doing? You just further confused me




I promise I won't tell him.

 

[JFemme]

So, what were you doing? You just further confused me




I promise I won't tell him.

Sowry, lets just say sneaking is really just another part of YOU that needs expression... it'll find it way out in positive ways or in negative. you decide..

In the beginning I took trips alone, rented bungalows for entire months, had friends he knew nada about, had interests that would clearly have threatened him, so many things I kept to myself for myself.. and still do...
( I crave alone time/ventures)

I found it decidedly unfair that any man could/would have the ultimate say so over how I lived my life...SO/husband or no...

I dont subscribe to having to ask or tell them every fringing thing in my head, heart or mind...

as it only complicates things in the long run...imho...

(this is a BIG discussion, hope the above explanation helped)

 

[DarkHair]

Sowry, lets just say sneaking is really just another part of YOU that needs expression... it'll find it way out in positive ways or in negative. you decide..

In the beginning I took trips alone, rented bungalows for entire months, had friends he knew nada about, had interests that would clearly have threatened him, so many things I kept to myself for myself.. and still do...
( I crave alone time/ventures)

I found it decidedly unfair that any man could/would have the ultimate say so over how I lived my life...SO/husband or no...

I dont subscribe to having to ask or tell them every fringing thing in my head, heart or mind...

as it only complicates things in the long run...imho...

(this is a BIG discussion, hope the above explanation helped)

OMG this is sooo me!!! If he knew everything, he'd be asking questions for days. I've stopped though. Except for the wanting/need to go away on my own. Hurrican Hanna ruined my ATL trip.

 

[Arcadian]

There is only once where he actually forbade me to do something, and that was early in our relationship. I had to lay it down to where he could really understand where I was coming from. And yes, even with that disapproval I did what I was going to do. He learned a lot after that particular time to let me do me.

I do not bar SO from doing anything. I'm not his mother, he's had one of those. I'm his mate. If he wants to go to a club without me, he asks, thats courtesy and respect. I tell him to have a good time, dosen't matter what club it is because we are not conjoined twins joined at the hip.

He also knows for every action there will be a reaction, good or bad. Go have fun, but don't do anything to disrespect me. The reaction for disrespecting me and our relationship will be an ugly one.

On the flipside, I know that too. He does get protective of me but also realizes I am going to do me.

So naw, I ain't gonna sneak. I'm very upfront with whatever it is I do (which makes it hard for me to suprise him with anything)


So I have to say do NOT sneak to do it. Do not give him a reason to suspect you are doing something you should not. But, you have to let him know this is what you want to do. Up to you to deal with the consequences of your actions tho.


-A

 

[Te'TahHead]

Sowry, lets just say sneaking is really just another part of YOU that needs expression... it'll find it way out in positive ways or in negative. you decide..

In the beginning I took trips alone, rented bungalows for entire months, had friends he knew nada about, had interests that would clearly have threatened him, so many things I kept to myself for myself.. and still do...
( I crave alone time/ventures)

I found it decidedly unfair that any man could/would have the ultimate say so over how I lived my life...SO/husband or no...

I dont subscribe to having to ask or tell them every fringing thing in my head, heart or mind...

as it only complicates things in the long run...imho...

(this is a BIG discussion, hope the above explanation helped)

Wow....Im tryna figure out how you got away with all of that.

I don't tell him everything, but I do tell him a lot. We are a big part of each others lives. I really crave my alone time too, but I get it at my two jobs and stuff. Often, I force him to go out so I can just sit in the house and chill with the baby in the bed.

This is the thing, I think if I don't atleast ATTEMPT to follow my heart, I am not being true to myself. I believe that he doesn't need a say-so in everything. Some things are part of ME and ME only. People may say that this is selfish, but I don't want to lose myself on the account of bing a mother, wife, sister, whatever! I don't want to be having coulda-woulda-shouldas in my life that are due to him getting mad.

So, I get what you are saying now.

 

[Te'TahHead]

There is only once where he actually forbade me to do something, and that was early in our relationship. I had to lay it down to where he could really understand where I was coming from. And yes, even with that disapproval I did what I was going to do. He learned a lot after that particular time to let me do me.

I do not bar SO from doing anything. I'm not his mother, he's had one of those. I'm his mate. If he wants to go to a club without me, he asks, thats courtesy and respect. I tell him to have a good time, dosen't matter what club it is because we are not conjoined twins joined at the hip.

He also knows for every action there will be a reaction, good or bad. Go have fun, but don't do anything to disrespect me. The reaction for disrespecting me and our relationship will be an ugly one.

On the flipside, I know that too. He does get protective of me but also realizes I am going to do me.

So naw, I ain't gonna sneak. I'm very upfront with whatever it is I do (which makes it hard for me to suprise him with anything)


So I have to say do NOT sneak to do it. Do not give him a reason to suspect you are doing something you should not. But, you have to let him know this is what you want to do. Up to you to deal with the consequences of your actions tho.


-A

Dang Arc. You spit fiyah like Dylan...

Seriously, I agree with what you are saying.

I am not a sneaky person, sneaking IMO is away of avoiding the issue. I want him to know what i want to do, when I want to do it.

I am worried about the consequences, I am also contemplating if they are worth me spending time doing this. I don't want to offset the balance in my home.

 

[JFemme]

Us women folks can be experts at wagging our tongues on or about betrayal, in all its ugliness.

But the biggest lie, sadness, regret is in betraying self.

I learned to let go of my dishonesty about my true intentions as I grew as a woman, however I'll never forget the internal pull for my loyalties...

Nowadays, I call it- a life of my own making...

 

[JFemme]

Sneaking a life has nada to with being sneaky, but its an afterthought -definition-reflection on time spent behaving-living a dual existence.

I was in no way outright sneaking, lying....as such...

 

[hopeful]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My dh used to be kinda like that but over the years he just got that if he wanted to be my dh he had to trust me and he had to want me to be happy. I pretty much just tell my hubby when I'm going to do stuff. Mind you, I don't go to the club or go on vacations without him because I don't want to. I found that it was too difficult discussing stuff and explaining stuff, like you said, you are not a child. I think you are just going to have to do a little teaching, if he's smart and adores you, I think he will come around, especially if he finds that what you do makes you happier/more fulfilled and doesn't change you and you don't put other people/things ahead of him and your relationship. Good luck.

 

[Vinyl]

I had this happen in my last relationship. We were together for four years, but I'm still young so please don't laugh at my examples.

Anyway, he was going out of state for college and I wanted to move in with him, stay for one year and then move out so I could live in a dorm room. The experience was very important to me; being a recluse in Highschool I knew it would force me to get out and make friends.

He was against it, which resulted in a lot of arguing and in the end I said okay, I'd stay living with him throughout college.

Second thing was with going out clubbing; I told him I wanted to go out and have fun at a dance club. He told me no; we had a big argument because he didn't like "clubbers." "I'd rather cut my head off than live with a clubber," were his exact words. This time I said too bad, I was going anyway. (although I did compromise by not doing something else which is too personal to post here.)

What ended up happening is that when it came time to move, he wouldn't compromise on the issue of it being just us living together. And since he told me this one month before we were set to move in together, I decided I was willing to do more to be with him than he was to be with me so I left him.

As far as not doing things your DH/SO doesn't approve of, I think you have to consider if not doing whatever it is will make you resent him down the road. If it will, then go ahead and do it anyway. I think future resentment is worse than him being disappointed that you did something he didn't like.

 

[Arcadian]

Dang Arc. You spit fiyah like Dylan...

Seriously, I agree with what you are saying.

I am not a sneaky person, sneaking IMO is away of avoiding the issue. I want him to know what i want to do, when I want to do it.

I am worried about the consequences, I am also contemplating if they are worth me spending time doing this. I don't want to offset the balance in my home.

you know I'm crazy anyway

Thats it in a nutshell. You're really the only person that can decide if its really worth it for you.

And even though he feels like he has to lay down the law with you, you also have to do the same with him. Nicely and of course with respect.

You want to dance? Then go for it. This is something you feel very strongly about, then do not let him hold you back. Now if you was wanting to pole dance that would be different. I think he will eventually get over this if you decide to do it.

Make him give you a real hardcore reasoning why what you want to do is not workable or feasible in your relationship. That "because I don't" , or " because I said so"stuff is not a real answer. I tell SO to give me concrete evidence backed by some studies.

The clubing thing....well, ok I can actually see his point but, he's also got to realize something; if he's tell you what to do, he leaves himself open for you to do the same.

I would have a nice long talk with him about these things before it gets out of control. Plus I'm amazed he's saying "a girl like you"... it sounds like he dosen't really know the real you.

-A

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I hope everything works out. Ive never had a serious relationship, and even though I would like to be sometimes, your example is why Im glad Im not at this stage in my life. Having to ask to try out for cheering and doing whatever I do would make me very angry and more likely to break up with him, esp since he talked to you about it before. Thats just being plain jealous and spiteful IMO.

There was a girl on our team 2 years ago who was choosen to go on both the Beach Boys troop visit to Germany AND the 2 week long visit to Iraq to perform for the troops .Her boyfriend said that if she goes ,he would break up with her Well needless to say she didnt go mangement had no choice but to release her from the team because she decided 2 days before the trip that she was not going, and because of military policy they couldnt replace her with another girl as it was too short notice and they needed backgroundcehck and passort info months ahead in advance. They spent 2 months putting together a huge show and she let her teammates down by pulling tht stunt. So she basically stole someone else's dream from traveling overseas due to the demands of her wackass SO

As far as the club scene, I can see where he's coming from but again ur an adult and you should not have to ask. The club scene will be the least of my future DH's probs because Im all burnt out from the club. A good 3 or 4 more years and I should be done completely . Its a lifestyle that Im willing to eventually give up because Im technically not missing anything.