Does Co-habitation before marriage = higher chance of divorce?

[imstush]

didn't read the entire thread so sorry if repeating....I would only, only live with my FIANCE a month before the wedding. That means the wedding date has already been set. But not for nothing I'd rather do like we do now...I stay over at his apt X amount of days and always have my own place to go to.

 

[carcajada]

I don't want to deal with all the drama and stress of being a newlywed on top of finding out that having my husband around annoys the crap out of me.

I'd rather co-habitate and not have those kinds of surprises, people can always change, but alot of the shock that comes right after marriage and leads to counseling are people trying to figure out how they fit together in one home and how to compromise when it comes to common things like cleaning, money, decor, food shopping, etc.

I would never marry anyone I hadn't lived with first. JMO - if I never get married, that's fine b/c I haven't decided it's definitely something I want to do either way.

That's exactly how I felt. It was worth it, but I don't recommend it.

 

[SoniT]

I lived with my husband for a year before we got married. It worked for us. Everyone's different though. Do what's best for you.

 

[MissScarlett]

I don't want to deal with all the drama and stress of being a newlywed on top of finding out that having my husband around annoys the crap out of me.

I'd rather co-habitate and not have those kinds of surprises, people can always change, but alot of the shock that comes right after marriage and leads to counseling are people trying to figure out how they fit together in one home and how to compromise when it comes to common things like cleaning, money, decor, food shopping, etc.

I would never marry anyone I hadn't lived with first. JMO - if I never get married, that's fine b/c I haven't decided it's definitely something I want to do either way.

Yes, there is alot of stress of being a newlywed, looking back, I think it lasts for a couple of years. Most of it are things like a greater level of compromise, personal identity, sacrifice, adjustment....but they are things that you wouldn't really address on that deep of a level just being boyfriend/girlfriend. I know that people that are dating feel their relationships are the alpha and omega but its not unti you committ to the marriage that you really know what truly being married is.

I don't see how living together prior to marriage could help with that transition because alot of the issues you are dealing with as a couple, boyfriend/girlfriend are complete opposites of the ones you'd deal with as husband and wife.

Small nuances like clothes, food, shopping, decor, are not serious enough to make a test trial of marriage by living together IMO.

 

[Soliel185]

I don't think you can address any of those things to the uptmost level w/o being married or at least making that ultimate commitment to one another (legally binding or not). However, I think add those deeper issues to every day stresses and people get fed up. I've seen people get married and the things they fight about are SO mundane. I'm not saying that living together will stop that - but I think that it could ease the transition and get those kinds of things settled so you can focus on the deeper issues that may really be bothering.


I guess it depends on how you view living with someone. If both people go into it with the same expectations it should'n't be a problem. I've never lived with anyone that I DIDN'T think ( at least initially ) that I might one day marry. In living with the first guy I realized that marrying him would be a mistake, and so our relationship never got to that point. I believe the divorce rates could be padded by couples who get together, then co-habitat for like 3 years, and then finally get married not so much b/c they WANT to but b/c they feel societal pressure to, they feel it's the next step, or they're so comfortable that they settle. Those are the couples that're together forever, then get married and suddenly divorce - I think marriage forcing them to really look at the situation and realize just b/c nobody's rocking the boat doesn't mean it's a good relationship.

 

[foxxymami]

My parents got together when they were 15 moved in together at 22 and didn't get married until they were 34 and they are still going strong. My grandparents got married then moved in together and had children and he left her with six kids to raise.

I guess my answer is I don't know. If I end up getting divorced I don't think it will because we lived together before we got married, it would be because our marriage wasn't working out.

Wise words......

 

[LongHairDreams]

My choice would be:
(d) no, it helps determine if I really want to marry this person.

 

[thefineprint]

i am pro-cohabition.

usually i find that the people who are against it:

(1) have never done it
or
(2) reek of bitterness because of their own personal failed relationship

don't project that negativity on me. we lived together before and are happily married. sorry if your's didn't work out...

*edited to add - i don't think that people should even consider moving in together unless they are in a mature and committed relationship from the get-go. it should be a well thought out and communicated decision.

 

[Arcadian]

Cohabiting isn't for everyone. Women especially need to go into it with a clear goal in mind.

I think that people are not willing to compromise and work together to keep a relationship together. That after the first blush of passion is gone, they barely like each other.

There's lots of people who think that if you get married cohabiting or not, so and so will change their ways, be it, skid mark draws, staying out late and drinking with their buds, financial irresponsibility,whatever, and it don't work that way. You either have to take them as is or leave them to find what you want.

These are the things that contribute to divorce, not the fact that people live together beforehand.




-A

 

[Spongie Bloom]

its not for me...i just dont believe in shacking up.

the only time i will live with a man is when i have a ring on my finger (and i have walked down the aisle) im not playing house with anybody

and if the marriage doesnt work (God forbid) it wont be because i didnt shack up with him

 

[EMJazzy]

Personally I am against co-habitation. That being said here are a quite a few real life scenarios that I have personal knowledge of:

First couple: Engaged for 2 years, moved in together, 3 months after moving in he left her for another woman he met on the internet

Second couple: Lived together for 6 years, female gets preganant, they get married, separate when child is 1 year old, divorced by time child turned 4

Third couple: Married young (him 21 her 19) never lived together prior to marriage, have 2 children, still happily married 18 years later

Forth couple: Co-habitated prior to marriage (not sure how long) 6 kids and 15 years later they are now divorced

Fifth couple: Living together for the past 8 years, one child (together) female wants to get married, the man doesn't (he won't even look for a job and lives in HER home)

Sixth couple: Living together for almost 40 years(?) never married, have one child together, both are happy

Seventh couple: Co-habitated for 3 years prior to marriage, have 2 kids, still happily married 12 years later

Eighth couple: Co-habitated 6 weeks prior to marriage, have one child together, separated for a few years, reconciled, now living happily together

Ninth couple: Don't live together, been together for 4 years, female wants to be more than "just the girlfriend", man keeps making promises but not backing them up with action, female frustrated, male oblivious

Tenth couple: Lived together for 7 years prior to marriage,no children (together) 2 years after the "I do's" female starts cheating with other married men

 

[Maynard]

i am pro-cohabition.

usually i find that the people who are against it:

(1) have never done it
or
(2) reek of bitterness because of their own personal failed relationship

don't project that negativity on me. we lived together before and are happily married. sorry if your's didn't work out...

*edited to add - i don't think that people should even consider moving in together unless they are in a mature and committed relationship from the get-go. it should be a well thought out and communicated decision.

This is funny. I know it wasnt mean to be but it is!

 

[Princess4real]

I feel that cohabitation is a devastating mixture of SELFISHNESS (*on the man's part*) that results in desperateness (*On the woman's part*). A lot of men will PURPOSELY prolong the marriage process so long that by the time they DO get ready (After he's taken YEARS of secret affairs to realize that the woman he has is as good as it's going to get) to propose, they hope that they won't have to; since they're already "Being Husband & Wife" through common law. The woman will have already had kids with the man and will have been living with him for an "X" amount of years. By then, the situation has really distastefully lost it's luster because HE will have already got what he wanted from the woman (Free room and board with *Perks*, but with no REAL COMMITMENT) but she never got what she wanted from him. So personally, I wouldn't participate in cohabitation before marriage because I feel like I would be settling for whatever my partner would be forcing me to accept. As for the statistics of all the women's relationships (that I've seen) so far, they've all co-habitated and none are married to this very day. For those women who it has worked out for, I'm not one to say for sure, but there must be an awful lot of love that's keeping those couples together. Nonetheless, each woman has to do what she feels will work for her.

Sorry for PREACHING! I'm just real passionate about questions like these...lolz

Good post! I'm feel like you do when it comes to marriage, but to each his own.

 

[divya]

I am against co-habitation before marriage for reasons already given...

 

[kismettt]

it really depends on the couple. i'm not to big on using studies to prove any point because i know if wanted to, i could find tons of studies proving the inferiority of the black race from "reputable sources". so yeah. i'm not going that route. but i do think that before cohabiting, there should be clear plans for what each person wants out of it. if they decide this is a stepping stone to get married, then yes, they should set some type of deadline. i do think its important to live with someone before marriage because it's more than leaving the toilet seat up, etc. anyone who has had a roommate/lived with someone else knows this.

 

[filthyfresh]

I think that it's good for people to live together for a short time before they get married. Like probably a year before they get married. I've never lived with anyone, but living together shouldn't determine the relationship if you have a strong foundation. It doesn't matter when people decide to live together. Their real issues will surface eventually. And the true test is how they deal with them.

 

[Farida]

Very well-said filthy fresh.

I'm not going to encourage anyone to live together. At the end of the day though, whether you remain together or not has to do with your foundation rather than whether you lived together or not.

These are reasons for cohabitation that I believe may lead to failed marriage. This is just what I think and makes sense to me, not fact or projections.
1. They wanted to "test" the waters before they decided whether or not to get married. I don't think anything can really tell you what marriage is like apart from marriage itself. So if you live with someone thinking that now you know what marriage is, you'll probably get a rude shock when you discover the truth.
2. Are afraid of commitment. Some people I know choose to live together to get SO off their backs about marriage. They have one foot in the door and one int he hallway. Many of these people end up getting married because it is what is expected, social pressure etc.
3. More often than not, are less conservative, or have less conservative views of marriage, family and divorce.
4. Tend not to receive familial, social support. Family can break up a marriage, but having family can help your marriage. Most people I know who live together before marriage get a lot of flack from everyone.
5. Some cohabit and still keep everything 'yours' and 'mine' and they find it hard to abandon that mindset.

I would be interested to see a breakdown of the studies.

 

[filthyfresh]

Very well-said filthy fresh.

I'm not going to encourage anyone to live together. At the end of the day though, whether you remain together or not has to do with your foundation rather than whether you lived together or not.

These are reasons for cohabitation that I believe may lead to failed marriage. This is just what I think and makes sense to me, not fact or projections.
1. They wanted to "test" the waters before they decided whether or not to get married. I don't think anything can really tell you what marriage is like apart from marriage itself. So if you live with someone thinking that now you know what marriage is, you'll probably get a rude shock when you discover the truth.
2. Are afraid of commitment. Some people I know choose to live together to get SO off their backs about marriage. They have one foot in the door and one int he hallway. Many of these people end up getting married because it is what is expected, social pressure etc.
3. More often than not, are less conservative, or have less conservative views of marriage, family and divorce.
4. Tend not to receive familial, social support. Family can break up a marriage, but having family can help your marriage. Most people I know who live together before marriage get a lot of flack from everyone.
5. Some cohabit and still keep everything 'yours' and 'mine' and they find it hard to abandon that mindset.

I would be interested to see a breakdown of the studies.

ITA with you viv. A lot of people move in for the wrong reasons. Some think that it might improve their relationship since they'll be together all the time.

 

[Colliecole]

I feel that cohabitation is a devastating mixture of SELFISHNESS (*on the man's part*) that results in desperateness (*On the woman's part*). A lot of men will PURPOSELY prolong the marriage process so long that by the time they DO get ready (After he's taken YEARS of secret affairs to realize that the woman he has is as good as it's going to get) to propose, they hope that they won't have to; since they're already "Being Husband & Wife" through common law. The woman will have already had kids with the man and will have been living with him for an "X" amount of years. By then, the situation has really distastefully lost it's luster because HE will have already got what he wanted from the woman (Free room and board with *Perks*, but with no REAL COMMITMENT) but she never got what she wanted from him. So personally, I wouldn't participate in cohabitation before marriage because I feel like I would be settling for whatever my partner would be forcing me to accept. As for the statistics of all the women's relationships (that I've seen) so far, they've all co-habitated and none are married to this very day. For those women who it has worked out for, I'm not one to say for sure, but there must be an awful lot of love that's keeping those couples together. Nonetheless, each woman has to do what she feels will work for her.

Sorry for PREACHING! I'm just real passionate about questions like these...lolz

............ You sound like you've been through this before......

 

[MzLady78]

I don't think so.

I do think it might lessen the chances of you actually making it down the isle though.

But I will say that living with my ex gave me a MAJOR glimpse into what married life with him would have been like and it would have been an absolute nightmare. While he did alot of damage to my finances, at least it wasn't anything I can't dig out from. If we'd gotten married my credit, etc. would have been SHOT. So I'm glad I dodged that bullet.

Also, I was very clear that there would be no babies, no joint anything until we got married.

 

[Softresses]

According to some studies, yes. But if I remember correctly (I read these a few years ago), they said that people who have cohabitated with multiple partners are more likely to divorce and the rationale was that people who do that take actual marriage "less seriously" and are more willing to jump to divorce instead of trying to make the marriage work.

It kinda made sense but I'm skeptical.

This i what I was taught in college I tend to believe it.

The reasonig makes sense.

Softresses

 

[Spongie Bloom]

In Kenya, a LOT of couples simply move in together, some get married eventually, others stay together so long that they are considered common-law marriages, others stay together till they die. The society is different there. You don't move in to "test" waters or evaluate people. Once you move in everyone will pretty much consider you married. It is not taken lightly.

So, I don't think it is the act itself, rather than the values and mindset of those involved.

whereas where i come from (south africa) shacking up is something that is NOT done, it is sort of looked down upon...if a couple does that they are asked why they just dont get married...there is no testing the waters or just movin gsimply cause you want to shack up....you have to be married first